


Scenes from Forlini's (and other, less important places)

by IreneSpring



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Best Friends, Fix-It, Fluff, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Multi, Post-Episodes, a lot of h/c, but the ships happen, for the sake of our collective sanity let's just say that the latter half of season 19 didn't happen, mostly it's just friendship, the ships are mostly in the background, there are other characters that aren't in enough of it to warrant their own tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:00:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 65
Words: 91,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26681827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IreneSpring/pseuds/IreneSpring
Summary: Rafael meets Alex on one of the worst nights of his life. She helps him. Over the course of the following years, they become close friends and confidants. This story is a bunch of smaller scenes as Alex and Rafael help each other navigate both their jobs and their meager excuses for personal lives.Set over the course of seasons 3-19.Most recent chapter set in: mid season 19
Relationships: Alexandra Cabot & Rafael Barba, Olivia Benson/Alexandra Cabot, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 413
Kudos: 124





	1. A new friend

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so many things to say about this project:  
> First, this is my first Law and Order: SVU fanfic, so wish me luck, I guess. Alex and Rafael are my favorite characters, and neither really get much in the way of emotional support in canon, so I figured that it would be fun to write a story where they are friends and support each other. It is fun. I already have 33 pages on the doc I'm using to write this.  
> I'll probably post chapters every few days, but if school picks up it might take longer to update once I exhaust what I've already written.  
> All characters and ships are now in the story! If you are here for Barisi and uninterested in anything that comes before it, season 16/Sonny start in chapter 40.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you check my profile, you can probably tell I primarily write stuff for the The West Wing, and that kind of infiltrated my Law and Order writing. I think C.J. Cregg in the seventh season is very similar to Rafael in general, and so that comparison influenced the start of this story. Since C.J. ends the show in an extremely unhealthy relationship in The West Wing canon, I figured it would be realistic for Rafael to be in a similar situation.
> 
> Trigger warning for chapter one: descriptions of abusive relationships and domestic violence

Alex really needs a social life. Or maybe just a release from work. Her entire life is her work; it keeps her up all hours of the day, ensures she has very few friends outside of the precinct and DA’s office, and has screwed up her eating schedule potentially beyond repair. Even now, when she’s not technically at work, she feels like she’s work-adjacent, volunteering at a shelter for domestic abuse victims. She could go home, if she wanted to, but she knows she needs to do this. Special Victims is a whole lot different from everything she’s prosecuted before, and she needs to understand it better, to see what they’re facing first hand.

Her work is valued here, her legal expertise is often essential. Her cool, objective way of talking about options relaxes the women, and few men, that she’s worked with. So the shelter has her number on speed-dial. Most often she can’t come in, but she can always send an email with some resources or legal theories. Tonight, however, she’s here in person, sitting on an old couch, waiting for arrivals, writing the beginnings of a restraining order request. 

Her rhythm is interrupted by a voice from just outside the room.

“Does anyone work here?” The voice is tired and anxious.

“I’m Alex Cabot, I can help,” she says, rising to her feet and leaving her notepad on the couch. The voice belongs to a short man with green eyes, who is looking around the room like he can’t fully believe he’s here.

“I need a place to stay for the night,” he explains, not looking her in the face, embarrassment in his expression. 

“That can be arranged. Why don’t we go somewhere we can talk?” she suggests, grabbing her notepad off the couch. The man looks up at her briefly, then looks away. He nods.

“Yes, that’s fine.” She motions for him to follow her, and she nods at one of the women who run the shelter. Usually they try to have one of them interview new arrivals, but Alex has been volunteering for the better part of the year and knows domestic abuse cases backwards, forwards, and sideways. They trust her. Alex enters a small room with two couches and a table. She motions for the man to sit and she takes the seat facing him.

“Let’s start with your name,” she says, flipping her notepad to a blank page.

“Rafael Barba,” he replies curtly. Alex vaguely recalls that name but can’t place it.

“Why are you here today, Mr. Barba?” Alex asks.

“I’m in the process of separating from my partner. They’ve been violent on a few occasions, but tonight was particularly bad. I would stay with my grandmother, mother, or friends but my partner knows where they all live and probably expects me to go there, and so my being there would put them in danger. I would go to a hotel but I’m not sure if they’re tracking my credit cards and well, they don’t… _ let me  _ have that much cash,” he practically spits out. “You must think I’m rather pathetic.” Alex shakes her head vehemently, which seems to be an acceptable response going by the way Rafael relaxes slightly. 

“So, for how long do you think you will need assistance?” she asks, because judging by how he anticipated her question about a support system he’s likely familiar with this process in some capacity, and probably just wants to get through it. There will be time for emotional support once the facts are settled. 

“Just for tonight. Maybe tomorrow. I’ve been in touch with my local precinct, and they say that they can move my stuff out tomorrow. I’ve been slowly diverting money to a separate account with the plan to get new cards for a couple of weeks, but the biggest transfer will be in the next few days. I’ve found an apartment I can stay at, but I just… need my stuff and money to actually be able to, you know stay there. Not to mention that I can’t risk my partner finding out the location of the apartment before everything’s done. My plan was just to hang in there until everything was ready, but tonight…” he stops, looking at Alex as if he’s trying to communicate what happened without actually having to say the words. He adjusts his sleeve slightly and Alex can see the beginnings of a bruise. She puts a reassuring hand on his other arm.

“Have you contacted a lawyer?” she asks.

“I am a lawyer,” he practically hisses. “I’ve been drafting a restraining order. It’s on my laptop. Which is in my office.”

“Documents such as restraining orders can be different from others. If you don’t have experience in criminal law-”

“I’m a prosecutor. In Brooklyn. Homicide,” he says simply. “That’s why I’m here. I’ve told enough women to go to places like these and I figured I should follow my own advice. Manhattan seemed far enough away so I wouldn’t be recognized and no one would think to find me.”

“That’s smart,” Alex says with a solemn nod. “I’m a prosecutor as well. Manhattan Special Victims Unit.” Rafael looks slightly relieved and Alex smiles. She can now place where she heard his name. Her boss mentioned it. 

“Special Victims Unit can be tough,” Rafael says, eager to change the topic. Alex doesn’t really mind. She’s nailed down most of the information she needs. She’ll need to email it to her supervisor so she can check in with Rafael's precinct, but everything seems in order. Besides, they have time, Alex isn’t about to let him leave the relative safety of the shelter. 

“It is. When I started I didn’t understand shit,” she says. She rarely curses but this feels like this merits an exception. Rafael’s body language suggests he wants to feel like he’s talking to an equal, a helpful friend, rather than a bureaucrat, and Alex can do that. “That’s why I started volunteering here. I was unceremoniously told by a detective that if I didn’t up my game I wasn’t going to last. She was right.” Rafael smirks at that. 

“I don’t think any of the detectives I work with would tell me that,” he says, then he realizes that what he said might have been insulting and immediately backtracks. “They’re afraid of me, I think,” he explains, smiling at Alex’s amused expression. But then his face falls. “They never would expect…”

“The first thing I learned when I was ‘upping my game’ so to speak, is that there’s no particular model for survivors of domestic abuse,” she says, cutting him off and moving a hand to his shoulder. “This, being here,” she says, gesturing around the room, “it doesn’t make you weak. Not at all. I can’t tell you how many times I wished someone whose case I was prosecuting would come to a place like this.” She is careful to hold eye contact, and Rafael seems to be feeling better. “And, by the way, this goes without saying, but if that absolute rat bastard ever did or does anything to you in Manhattan, let me know. I’m very good at my job.” 

The rest of the night goes smoothly. They talk some more, exchanging prosecution war stories and reminiscing about Harvard Law School. Alex checks in with her boss, who checks in with the precinct. When everything turns out well, Alex leads Rafael to a bed and lets him get situated. They exchange business cards and he thanks her for her help. By the time she leaves, it’s well after midnight.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

The next morning, Alex’s assistant, Jenny, knocks on her door with a confused expression on her face.

“A woman named Rita Calhoun is here to see you,” Jenny explains. “She doesn’t have an appointment. She says it’s about last night.” Alex briefly wonders if she needs to call Olivia or one of the other detectives since Rafael was careful to not specify the gender of his partner, but then she realizes that that in itself likely indicated that the partner was a man and anyway, what exactly could this Rita Calhoun do on Alex’s home turf?

“Send her in,” Alex responds. Rita Calhoun is a woman with tall heels, brown hair, and angry eyes.

“So Rafael told me about where he was last night,” she says without a greeting. “I’m Rita Calhoun, I’m his friend.”

“Alexandra Cabot,” Alex says, “it’s a pleasure.” She extends her hand, and Rita gives her a suspicious look before shaking it. 

“Well, Miss Cabot, I bet you think Rafael doesn’t have that many good friends, but he does,” Rita says defensively. “I tried to get him to stay at my apartment, but he wouldn’t.”

“I never thought that. He mentioned friends, but that he didn’t feel comfortable staying with them,” Rita looks slightly taken aback, before finding her bearings again.

“Well I suppose I’m here to thank you for what you did for him. But I’m also here to assure you that if you breathe a word of what happened to anyone in the DA’s office, or anywhere for that matter, I will personally gut you, display your body publicly, represent myself during my trial, and never set foot in prison.” It’s Alex’s turn to be slightly taken aback, but she sees through Rita’s grandstanding.

“I’m not,  _ I was never,  _ going to tell anyone,” Alex reassures her. 

“Well. Good.” Rita replies tersely, pausing before adding. “It’s not as if I think Rafael has anything to be ashamed of, obviously, it’s just that, well, Rafael is ambitious. Political. And-”

“And since most judgeships and public prosecution positions are elected, it would be bad for anything to come out that could hurt whatever image he would want to set forth. I’m ambitious and political too, Miss Calhoun.”

“You can call me Rita.”

“Okay. Is that all?”

“The warning extends to any information you gained while you were talking. Including about his sexuality-“ Rita starts, and Alex just smiles, reaches into her desk, and pulls out a small pride flag she got last June. She sets it on top of her desk and raises her eyebrows at Rita. “Okay. Yes. Good. Thanks.” Rita says, nodding at Alex before turning on her heels and leaving. 

“Good to meet you!” Alex calls after her. 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Alex meets Rafael again at the courthouse. He seems better, though it would be difficult to seem worse. Alex is fully prepared to walk right past him and adhere to the code of never-speaking-again-about-one-of-the-worst-nights-of-his-life, but  _ Rafael _ walks up to  _ her _ . He glances to his left and right briefly before speaking.

“Miss Cabot, I’d like to thank you for your help, and assure you that everything worked out.” 

“Please call me Alex,” she says, relieved and happy for him. She extends a hand, because for all intents and purposes (i.e. anyone who would later learn about their friendship) this is where they met. 

“Rafael,” Rafael says curtly, giving her a sharp nod. “I was wondering if maybe you’d like to have coffee some time…” he says, almost nervously. Alex blinks. The two responses that immediately enter into her mind are  _ Are you sure that’s a good idea?  _ but that sounds patronizing, and  _ I’m gay _ which she doesn’t want to just casually say in the middle of a hallway amongst people she eventually might need to fundraise for her. Thankfully, Rafael immediately realizes the implication of his invitation and balks. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant, well, it would be nice to have someone to talk to, and given our conversation a few nights ago I feel like we could get along,  _ as friends _ ,” he emphasizes, clearly mortified. Then he pauses as if he’s trying to come to a decision, nods to himself, and then looks around the hallway again before saying in a quieter voice, “Besides, I’m gay.” Alex laughs lightly and smiles.

“Me, too,” she responds and Rafael gives her a relieved grin. “So, how about drinks this evening, I should be done with court in a few hours and if Maddox is anything like she usually is I’m going to need plenty of alcohol.”

“Agreed. Do you have a location in mind?”

“I do, actually, a place near my office. You know Forlini’s?” Alex asks. 

“I do not.”

“Well, I think you’ll like it. They have great whiskey.”

“I would have pegged you for a wine drinker,” Rafael says, smirking.

“Sexist,” Alex mutters good-naturedly and Rafael laughs quickly. Alex checks her watch and remembers there was a point to walking down this hallway in the first place. “I have to go. 7:30?” Rafael nods, and Alex takes her leave. 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

“-okay, so then, Alex tells me that Eddie has inexplicably managed to turn the entirety of our gym class against us so we have to go out the back door  _ again _ -“ Rafael says loudly, probably because he’s a little bit drunk. 

“You need to come up with a better name for this guy,” Alex interrupts, “you saying ‘Alex’ repeatedly is confusing.”

“Shut up and pay attention, I’m trying to tell you the story of how my 5’3” ass subdued a group of jocks with just these wits!” Rafael says, pointing at his head. 

“You are not 5’3”,” Alex objects, because this is what she fixates on, because she is also a little bit drunk. “You’re short, but you’re not that short.”

“I was 5’3” then, in middle school, with Eddie and… Other Friend,” Rafael retorts, Alex gives him an approving nod at the “nickname”, “and anyway. I’m not that short, you’re only taller than me by an inch and you’re particularly, no, freakishly, tall.”

“I’m taller than you and I’m a woman.”

“Now who’s sexist,” Rafael snickers, smirking.

“It’s not sexist, IT’S SCIENCE.” Alex half-yells, startling the bartender. “Okay, I think I might be done for the night.”

“Well,” Rafael sighs dramatically, “I’m not. I just ended the worst of a series of horrible romantic decisions and so I’m, for lack of a better term, going to get absolutely shitfaced.” Alex nods and signals the bartender, informing him that all subsequent drinks are to be put on her tab. 

Rafael makes good on his promise. However, loud, chatty drunk Rafael is short-lived, and sad, particularly aware of the origin of his new friendship, drunk Rafael is now very much present. 

“Are we friends?” Rafael asks for what must be the sixth time.

“Yes,” Alex assures him.

“Are you sure? Because Frederick always said I wouldn’t be able to make any of those without him.”

“Well Frederick’s a stupid asshole who I would gladly throw in prison if I only had jurisdiction and I’m definitely sure that we’re friends,” Alex mutters darkly, sipping from the coffee she had ordered once the conversation turned more serious. 

“I don’t really have that many friends though,” Rafael reflects. “I know I mentioned having multiple friends when we first talked but I… don’t. I really just have one friend. Her name’s Rita. She’s great. Rita’s a pretty name, too, don’t you think so?” Alex nods in agreement, trying not to laugh at Rafael’s tangent or her memories of Rita.

“I’ve met Rita, actually. She came by to threaten me,” Alex says, amusement clear on her face. Rafael doesn’t notice.

“So you don’t want to be friends, because of Rita. That’s okay, I get it,” he says sullenly, and almost gets out of his seat before Alex practically pushes him back into his chair.

“No, trust me, she made a good impression. And even if I didn’t like her, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to be friends. I think you’re overthinking this, and I say this as the queen of the over-thinkers. It’s not like we’re going to live together, we’re just going to get drinks sometimes and talk and maybe invite each other to each other’s holiday parties and stuff,” Alex offers as reassurance. Rafael seems comforted by this. 

“Okay. We’re friends.”

“Of course we are,  _ buddy _ ,” Alex says with a smirk. “I think we’re also done drinking.” She hands her card to the bartender to pay her tab. After confirming Rafael is sober enough to remember his new address, Alex leads him out of the bar and flags down a cab. She tells the cab driver that they’ll need to make two stops and to drop off Rafael first. This way she can at least be sure he makes it into his building. 

The next day she wakes up to a voicemail.  _ “Good morning, Alex. I just wanted to thank you for helping me get home in one piece and also for the drinks. I promise the next time you so much as stub your toe I’ll take you out for drinks on my dime. You’re a good friend. Best, Rafael.”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter one is going to be longer than most other chapters. I combined four mini-sections in order to set what I think is a decent foundation for Alex and Rafael's friendship. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading and please let me know what you think!


	2. A problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is having romance problems. Rafael offers strategic planning advice and drinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to the people who left such nice comments. It really means a lot! 
> 
> This chapter is the one that introduces the first of the two major ships that this fanfic will feature! I'm trying to get better at writing romance, and I think everything I've written for Cabenson thus far is actually pretty decent. So that's good. This chapter doesn't have any romance between Olivia and Alex, but it does discuss it at length.

The next time Alex and Rafael agree to meet for drinks Alex definitely has a problem. Her problem has a name. Its name is Olivia Benson. Olivia has very nice eyes, very nice hair, and, if Alex allows herself to be crude, very nice breasts. She needs someone to talk to about this, someone who doesn’t know who Olivia is, who she won’t have to deal with knowing looks around. So she calls Rafael. When he arrives at Forlini’s, Rafael finds Alex with her head in her hands. 

“Are you okay?” he asks uncertainly, cursing himself for being not nearly as good in these situations as Alex is. 

“I’m fantastic,” Alex mutters without moving her head or hands. Rafael feels a flash of panic that he doesn’t know what to do, that he’s completely useless in this as in all situations, but he swallows it. His therapist would be proud. 

“Do you… need something?”

“Alcohol,” Alex grunts. Rafael nods, and orders two drinks for himself and Alex, opening a tab. 

“So…” Rafael begins, deciding that he’ll open with a somewhat amusing story of the failures of his interns. Alex interrupts him.

“On a scale of spending your Saturday playing bridge to making out with someone behind the bleachers, how juvenile is falling hopelessly in love with someone you have to see every day and seriously considering just sending them a love note?” she asks, finally lifting her head. 

“I’d say we’re firmly into chess club territory,” Rafael remarks with a smirk, earning a tired sigh from Alex. He waits for her to say something and when she doesn’t, he asks the obvious question. “Who is she?”

“A detective.”

“One of yours?”

“Maybe.” 

“Ouch,” Rafael says. He really has no idea how to handle this. “What’s her name?”

“Olivia.”

“That’s… a nice name,” Rafael offers, resisting the urge to facepalm at his own stupidity. Alex doesn’t even seem to notice the awkwardness of the comment.

“Yeah, it is,” she agrees earnestly.

“Does this Olivia like you back?” 

“ _ I don’t know _ .” 

“Ah.” 

“You can’t tell anyone, Rafael, seriously,” Alex says, making direct eye contact. “I have to play this very carefully. Everything has to be… perfect.”

“I wasn’t going to tell anyone. Mutually Assured Destruction and all that,” he says. Alex gives him a pointed look. “Okay, I wasn’t going to tell anyone because it’s the right thing to do.” Alex relaxes. “So, Olivia, is she out?” Rafael asks. 

“Well, I mean, no. But neither am I and neither are you really, so I think it’s more of a ‘I’m not going to say it but I don’t care if people know it’ kind of deal. I’ve caught her… looking at me, a couple times,” Alex admits sheepishly, blushing slightly. 

“So you’ve caught her checking you out and you still don’t know if she likes you?”

“I don’t know! It could just be an appreciation thing. Like ‘hey she’s cute’ but nothing more, nothing meaningful.”

“You want it to be meaningful.”

“Yes.”

“Have you tried talking to her? Maybe trying to gauge her interest?” Rafael asks. His usual method of partner-finding --waiting for someone to show positive interest in him and if the person is reasonably attractive viewing it as charity-- has not yielded particularly good results, so maybe a different strategy is advisable for Alex. 

“I suppose I could try that. The issue is that most of the time we’re completely in-sync most of the time, like we could finish each other’s sentences and it’s the best thing ever, but sometimes I can’t deliver what the unit wants and then it’s like… she hates me.”

“That sounds like her problem. The law is the law. We can’t just conjure warrants out of thin air, nor should we.”

“I know, I know, and she doesn’t really hate me, but I just… I really hate disappointing her,” Alex admits. Rafael puts what he hopes is a reassuring arm on Alex’s back. 

Rafael motions to their drinks, “So is this a wallowing occasion or a strategic planning occasion?”

“Why can’t it be both?” Alex asks, grinning. 

Rafael follows the strategy he remembers Alex implementing the last time one of them needed to wallow. He stops drinking pretty early on but keeps himself supplied with water so that Alex doesn’t feel the need to stop as well. Once they’re well into the night, they enter full planning mode. 

“Okay, so I’m going to buy, like, a shit ton of roses,” Alex announces, “and then, like, leave them on Olivia’s desk. Well, not all of them, maybe just one at a time, for like, a while, and then if she likes them, eventually I’ll let her ‘catch’ me putting one on her desk.” Rafael nods approvingly.

“My abuelita always watches telenovelas with that plot, and it always works out great. And by great, I mean making out in the rain and ruining their good suits.”

“Of course you care about their suits,” Alex grouses.

“It’s the one gay stereotype I’ve allowed myself to partake in,” Rafael explains with a grin and Alex laughs.

“Fair enough.” She pauses. “I’d ruin all my suits for Olivia.” Rafael considers the seriousness of this, and raises his glass of water to meet Alex’s drink. 

“To true love,” he says. Alex laughs so hard she almost falls off her bar stool. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> The next few chapters will likely be closer to this length, if slightly longer. 
> 
> Like it? Hate it? Have suggestions for which episodes in seasons 10/11 I should write post-episodes for this story about? Tell me in the comments!


	3. A workplace incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is frustrated at Stabler. Rafael tells Alex about a bigoted detective at his precinct.
> 
> Trigger warning: Homophobic language

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all who left comments! You all are great and your kind words mean a lot. 
> 
> I think at this point it's pretty obvious who my favorite Law and Order characters are, but this chapter kind of deals with my least favorite characters. In terms of characters I dislike for actual, in-depth reasons, Stabler is my least favorite (for petty reasons, my least favorite character is Peter Stone). Stabler will come off pretty badly in this story, as a general rule. This chapter is no exception. Sorry if you like Stabler.

“I swear to God if Stabler gets in my face  _ one more time _ ,” Alex hisses, glowering at her iced tea. Rafael gives her a knowing sigh.

“What happened?”

“Asshole is on my case, wanting to charge murder in a case where we’re not even sure if the victim ever took a breath,” Alex explains, spearing her salad with her fork.

“The Nicole Manning case?” Rafael asks. Alex nods. “That’s rough.”

“Am I wrong, though?” Alex asks, looking up at Rafael, “I mean, if I charge murder when we’re not sure if the fetus was every born, and I win, I’m screwing every single woman who tries to seek a legal abortion.” Rafael raises his eyebrows at her, smirking at the double entendre. Alex realizes what was just said and glares at him. “Oh my god it’s like everyone I know has the maturity of a twelve year old,” she grumbles, impaling a tomato.

“Sorry,” Rafael says. “You’re not wrong, though. This is a part of the job Stabler doesn’t understand. It’s never just about the case with the law, it’s also about the precedent it sets.” Alex hums in agreement. “Anyway, is it becoming a problem? Affecting your work life at all?”

“No, he’ll punch a wall or violate the constitutional rights of a suspect in order to display his manliness and then he’ll be back to being tolerable,” Alex sighs. Rafael shrugs.

“What does Olivia think?” Rafael asks. Alex lights up a little bit at the mention of Olivia. Rafael finds this maybe a tiny bit pathetic, but in a good way. 

“She agrees with me, but she doesn’t like that I yelled at Stabler. They have to work together constantly, you know. I think that’s why they’re friends. They would be miserable otherwise. She’s not like him. She’s different. She’s… better.”

“I get it,” Rafael says, reflecting on his own past cases. “Not the mooning over a detective part,” he adds quickly and Alex blushes and stares at her iced tea again, “but the part about the detectives who are so obsessed with their own masculinity that they forget we’re trying to get justice instead of just putting another person in prison.” 

He’s aware he sounds bitter towards the end, but honestly he is a little bitter. And angry. He decides to mention something he has so far only told Rita.

“One of them called me a fairy the other day.” Alex chokes on her bite of food, her fingers curling around her fork. Her eyes settle into a dangerous glare as she waits for him to elaborate. “I informed him that I couldn’t get a warrant and he told me that until I stopped being a, you know, that name, he didn’t care what I had to say. He never got that warrant, obviously, and the guy was innocent anyway. He’s made homophobic implications before, but this is the first time he’s ever been so blatant.” He gives Alex a small smile to indicate that any murder plans she’s thought up aren’t necessary. She doesn’t seem to absorb the warning.

“Well I took martial arts through college, so let me know if you need anything because I can fuck a bitch up,” she says curtly, making sure to juxtapose her words by straightening her spine and taking a prim bite of food. Alex holds eye contact for a few moments before they both burst into cackles. “Seriously though,” she adds, “have you talked to anyone about making a complaint?”

“I spoke to the captain. Said if he didn’t handle it on his own I’d make him handle it. So he handled it. Guy was suspended,” Rafael says, smiling at his triumph. “They all hate me, but it was worth it.”

“Damn right,” Alex says emphatically. 

“I just wish it wasn’t necessary,” Rafael remarks, trying and failing to sound casual. 

“I’m so sorry, Rafael.”

“That isn’t the worst thing I’ve been called. When the captain told the guy he was suspended, he looked shocked. Like some level of bigotry was not enough bigotry to actually get him consequences. I wasn’t joking when I said everyone on his team hate me for it now. One of them muttered something about how I should have just dealt with it for the victims and that if I didn’t dress how I do maybe he wouldn’t have gotten ‘the wrong idea’ about my sexuality,” Rafael says angrily. Alex hisses.

“The ‘you were asking for it because of how you were dressed’ argument,” Alex mutters bitterly. “I didn’t realize that existed beyond SVU and rape cases.”

“The thing about it is that it didn’t make me ashamed. I knew from the start that the problem was them, not me. I’m proud, I’m  _ happy _ , that I’m gay, and I enjoy wearing intricate suits and bright colors because it’s fun and it’s one of the few things that make me feel good about myself. I’m not questioning myself, I just feel… tired. And angry.”

“Yeah,” Alex says heavily.

“There is some hope that my message is getting across, though.”

“Really?”

“One of the others looked like they were about to say something, and another said, ‘Don’t say that, he’ll get you suspended’ to which I responded, ‘You’re absolutely correct.’ We stood there, in what I think could be described as a staring contest, until they left. And they didn’t say anything.”

“Punishment functions as a deterrent.”

“Maybe not in overall crime, but in Homicide detectives being homophobic assholes, it’s possible.”

“It’s not great, but it’s something,” Alex summarizes. Rafael sighs.

“I couldn’t have said it better, myself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give Rafael time, he'll understand the "mooning of a detective" part eventually.
> 
> Share your thoughts in the comments! Thanks for reading!


	4. A chance meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex gets suspended. Rafael meets Olivia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is becoming a little repetitive but I mean it every time: Thank you all so much for your kind comments. They really make my day. This project is so much fun to write so I'm glad people enjoy reading it.
> 
> This chapter is pretty short (about 850 words) but the next chapter will be a little bit longer than average (about 1800 words) so it works out I think. I tried to find somewhere to add but inspiration just didn't strike. 
> 
> The season 3 chapters are almost done. I think there are two more after this.

The next time they meet up, Alex is already drunk. Rafael can tell by the way she props her head up on her hands and barely manages to wave at him. Her eyes are red and glassy. His stomach sinks. He read about the Sam Cavanaugh case but he hadn’t placed it as Alex’s until this moment. Even though of course it was Alex’s, what was he thinking? She was the Manhattan Special Victims Unit’s ADA. He hadn’t reconciled Alexandra Cabot the prosecutor with Alex, his friend. Stupid Rafael, stupid. 

“RAFI!” Alex calls when she sees him. The bartender flashes him a relieved glance when he sits down beside Alex. 

“Alex, are you doing okay?” Rafael asks, despite knowing the answer.

“Oh, I’m better than okay, Rafi,” Alex slurs. “I’m suspended!” Oh, right. That. Stupid Rafael,  _ stupid _ . 

“Just for a couple of weeks, right?” Rafael offers, placing a hand on her shoulder.

“I deserve it. I deserve worse than it. I deserve bad things…” Alex starts. Rafael gets out his wallet and pulls out his card, handing it to the bartender. He pats Alex on the shoulder a few times while he waits to get his card back. 

“I’m going to help you get home,” Rafael promises her, putting his hands on her shoulders and practically hoisting her up. They make their way out of the bar, Alex routinely almost falling on top of Rafael. Rafael spots a woman with a short haircut, a leather jacket, and concerned brown eyes enter the bar. Her expression turns to one of recognition and worry when she sees Alex, and then to confusion and suspicion when she sees Rafael. He can imagine how this looks, what with him, an obviously sober man she doesn’t recognize, half-carrying an obviously wasted woman that she does recognize out of a bar.

“Excuse me, sir, I’m Detective Olivia Benson, may I ask what exactly you’re doing?” the woman asks, flashing her badge. Ah, so this is the famous Olivia. Of course this is how he meets her. The night just  _ had  _ to get more interesting. 

“LIV!” Alex half-screams, jolting Rafael out of his thoughts. His panic quickly resurfaces, but for a different reason. Drunk Alex cannot be around Olivia right now. Sober Alex would never forgive him if he let it happen. “Liv, I just want to say, even though you must hate me, that I lo-”

“I’m ADA Rafael Barba, Brooklyn Homicide. I’m a friend of Alex’s,” Rafael interrupts. “Alex called me, I’m just trying to make sure she gets home safe.” Olivia narrows her eyes for a moment before seemingly accepting this. Then her face falls.

“She called  _ you _ ?” Olivia asks, trying and failing to not sound dejected. Rafael is tempted to smile, any doubts he had that Alex’s infatuation was reciprocated are now gone. 

“Yeah, I didn’t want to bother you, Liv,” Alex mutters, her face half-buried in Rafael’s side. “Anyway, I’m being rude, my mom would be mad. Rafi, this is Liv. Liv, this is Rafi.” Alex stares at them expectantly. They nod at each other. This seems to satisfy Alex. Olivia accompanies them as they exit the bar. When Rafael steps into a cab with Alex, Olivia clearly has something she wants to say. Rafael tilts his head at her. 

“Are you and Alex, you know, together?” Olivia blurts out finally. Rafael shakes his head vigorously.

“No. God no. We’re just friends. A shoulder to cry on and all that. I honestly have never thought about her romantically,” Rafael assures her. The relief on Olivia’s face is distinctly noticeable. 

Rafael helps Alex into her apartment, practically carries her to her bed, gets her a glass of water and some Advil from her cabinets, and moves the trash can in her bathroom to the foot of her bed. He’s no stranger to hangovers and Alex’s is going to be brutal. Alex doesn’t say anything except for the occasional ‘thank you,’ so Rafael determines that she must not want to talk and makes his leave. As he’s about to exit the room, Alex calls after him.

“I screwed up, Rafi,” she says weakly, her voice thick.

“It happens to all of us,” he assures her. “We’re not perfect.” 

“I screwed up,” Alex repeats, lying face down on her pillow. “But do you want to know the sick thing?”

“I want to know whatever you want to tell me,” Rafael answers patiently.

“I regret so much of that case. I regret pressuring Sam Cavanaugh to testify. I regret getting out of bed the morning the case came in. Hell, I regret not just shooting the bastard myself,” Alex says. “But I don’t regret what actually got me suspended.” Rafael nods. He can relate to that. “I’d take back everything I did up until Sam Cavanaugh tried to kill himself,” Alex finishes, “but I don’t regret anything I did after that.” 

“I understand,” Rafael says earnestly. 

“Do you think Liv will forgive me?” Alex wonders aloud, mainly to the pillow.

“I’m pretty sure she already has,” Rafael assures her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly nobody has a good time in this chapter, but at least Rafael and Olivia have met now. 
> 
> Next chapter is going to decidedly more angsty than this (I don't think this chapter was particularly dark, despite the subject matter), just warning people in advance. 
> 
> Let me know what you think! Thanks so much for reading!!!


	5. An anniversary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex adapts. Rafael reflects on the dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter is probably up there in terms of levels of anguish/angst. Nothing violent happens but past violence is discussed at length. 
> 
> At the start of this fic I didn't plan on there being so much angst for Rafael so early on. I blame this chapter on the fact that I forgot what math is until I was pretty much done with chapter 3. The relevant math is as follows: Rafael discusses his father in season 16, and says his father died 15 years ago. If each season is roughly equivalent to a year (which we know is true from Olivia testifying in court about her years of experience), then that means Rafael's father died at some point during season 1. Meaning his death is recent, and it's more likely he would reach out to a friend for support. I know that an alternate timeline is introduced in "The Undiscovered Country" which suggests Rafael's father died more recently, but as stated in the tags, "The Undiscovered Country" is not going to happen in this story, so the alternate timeline was never introduced.
> 
> Trigger warning: child abuse

A full week into her suspension, and Alex thinks she’s mastered the art of being a homebody. She bought a new plant, an orchid, to be exact, one that demands time. She’s caught up on everything she’s ever DVRed, and, miracle of miracles, she has actually done some reading that doesn’t involve the law. She’s stretched out on her couch, noting that the sun has just started to set, when she gets the phone call. 

“Alex?” Rafael’s voice is quiet and Alex is immediately concerned. 

“Rafael?”Alex responds, trying to convince herself that everything is fine so she can keep the concern out of her voice.

“Can you come over to my apartment? Rita’s not answering her phone and my abuelita is still sick and I don’t want to call my mother,” Rafael says in a rush. Okay. She now gives herself permission to be concerned.

“Is everything okay? Do I need to call the police?” Alex asks.

“Everything’s fine. I’m sorry. Forget it.” Rafael hangs up before Alex can object. Alex, obviously, does not forget. Instead, she drives over to Rafael’s apartment, cursing every unfortunate traffic situation she finds herself in. She practically sprints up the stairs and pounds on the door once she arrives. Her mind goes to every possible worst case scenario, made even worse by the looming shadow of the Cavanaugh case. She hears movement from inside and almost collapses with relief. So he’s not dead. Probably not dying. “Alex?” Rafael says, sounding confused.

“You asked me to come over so I’m here,” she says simply. 

“I told you to forget about it.”

“Like that was ever going to happen.” She tries to smile but it’s not even a substantial effort. She’s too stressed and her mind is going a million miles an hour trying to pick up on any clues as to what exactly is going on.

“I stressed you out, I’m sorry,” Rafael says, turning sad eyes to Alex. Okay, so something sad happened. That only narrows her list of Bad Things by 0%. 

“It’s no problem, seriously. What’s going on?” Alex decides to give up on trying to sound casual. It’s forced, and Alex’s friendship with Rafael has always been founded on honesty from minute one. 

“It’s the anniversary of my father’s death. The second one,” Rafael explains, looking down at his feet. Alex’s heart sinks. Second. That’s not a lot. But that’s okay, her father isn’t alive anymore either, and even though she still misses him, she’s okay. She can give tips. 

“I’m sorry,” she says.

“I’m not,” Rafael mutters darkly. Oh. That changes things. That changes her whole approach. She really wishes Olivia were here. 

“I’m sorry,” Alex says again, hoping that her tone conveys that it’s for a completely different reason. Rafael nods and motions for her to enter the apartment. It’s small, clearly a place that was chosen under the philosophy of “time is of the essence” but Rafael’s good taste in furniture saves it. 

“I just needed someone to talk to. I shouldn’t have called. Hell, I’m not even sure if I want to talk about it,” Rafael admits. 

“We don’t have to talk. I can just sit here, find something to read or something. You know, if you just need someone around.” Rafael nods again, relieved. 

They sit on Rafael’s couch, Alex picks out a book from his predictably large bookshelf and Rafael pulls out some files from his briefcase. The book really is interesting and she’s almost forgotten why she’s here when Rafael speaks again, eyes firmly focused on his file. 

“He beat me. And my mother. Often.” 

Alex looks up. She waits. Rafael doesn’t say anything else. Doesn’t look at her. Doesn’t move closer. He just goes back to his file. Alex accepts that this is the only thing he wants to say, and he doesn’t want her to have a reaction beyond her sympathetic facial expression. Eventually, Alex goes back to her book. 

“He found out I was gay when I was fifteen. That was the third he sent me to the ER, and by far the worst.” 

Rafael looks up at Alex then, and she gives him a sad smile and puts a hand on his shoulder. He moves closer to her on the couch. They stay in silence for a moment before Rafael sighs, puts his file on the coffee table, and turns to face Alex directly.

“I think I do want to talk about it.” He scans her face for a reaction. She gives an encouraging nod.

“Then I want to hear about it.”

There is another pause. 

“I spent the longest time thinking there was a reason,” Rafael says. “I’ve figured out by now that there wasn’t really a reason. Or at least that the reason didn’t come from me.”

“You could have been a saint and it wouldn’t have mattered,” Alex agrees. Rafael nods.

“I know. I know that. But I spent my entire life thinking there was something wrong with me. And for the longest time I gravitated towards men who told me they could ‘fix’ me. Mostly they were just controlling. And I knew it was bullshit, I _knew_ it,” he hisses, fixing Alex with an intense, pained stare. Alex wraps her arm around him and pulls him into a half-hug. “I knew it, but I kept choosing people like that. I kept letting them try to control me, because some stupid part of me was still convinced that I could fix whatever it was that made my father hate me so much.” He starts to tear up and hugs Alex tighter, putting his head on her shoulder. She’s not sure if he does this because he wants her closer or because he doesn’t want her to see him cry directly, but she doesn’t really care. He could ask her to jump out the window right now and she’d probably do it, just to help alleviate his pain. 

“There was —is— _nothing_ wrong with you,” she hisses. “He was a hateful, pathetic, evil man. You are a strong, smart, good man. It was never going to fit.” She can feel his tears on her shoulder.

“No one ever did anything,” Rafael says numbly. “It took 16 years of my life for my mom to leave him. Even then, he was never in prison. There were never any police. No teachers asked questions. Alex, Eddie, Yelina… I like to think they didn’t know. Eddie probably genuinely didn’t know. I kept it from him, because I knew if he knew he’d do something stupid and end up in prison, and as the smart one it was my job to make sure that didn’t happen. Alejandro, I think he was so caught up in his own shit, namely protecting Yelina from my nonexistent advances, to notice anything. I just accepted it until I started college. And that’s when I started to really hate him.”

Rafael’s hand curls into a fist, and he’s shaking slightly. Alex puts a hand over his and runs her thumb over his wrist in what she hopes is a comforting gesture.

“You know it doesn’t mean anything bad about you if you’re still angry.” The implied _it doesn’t mean you’re like him_ doesn’t need to be said. She knows that. She’s said roughly the same to Olivia, when Olivia cornered her in her office, distraught over the case of a man who said he was programmed rape by his genes. Alex had meant every word she had said to Olivia (and stuck the guy in prison after shredding his defense for good measure) and she means every word now. Rafael nods against her shoulder and pulls back slightly.

“I’m afraid the story ends somewhat anti-climatically,” he says with a dry laugh. “Diabetes. A coma.” A dark part of Alex is irritated by that. The part of her that likes the idea of the death penalty. The idea that the victims get the last laugh. They deserve the victory, survivors like Rafael do, some disease like diabetes doesn’t. 

“Ah well, life isn’t a TV show,” Alex remarks ruefully. 

“You know he made me his next of kin,” Rafael says solemnly. Alex starts at that.

“Oh shit,” she mutters softly before she can stop herself. Rafael responds with the closest thing to a genuine laugh she’s heard all day.

“One last mind game. The doctors came to me, told me he was in a coma, unlikely to wake up, and it was my call whether to keep him in life support. I knew he could be in pain, I knew he wouldn’t survive, but I… I couldn’t do it. He didn’t wake up.” 

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Alex assures him.

“I regret it though, more than anything I’ve done in my life. I like to think that it’s because I feel like I might have prolonged his suffering just because I wasn’t strong enough to just make the call. But the dark, twisted part of me, the part that scares me, regrets it because I should have been the one that ended him. I should have been strong enough to kill him. To slay the dragon, so to speak. How absolutely fucked is that?” Rafael asks, making direct eye contact with Alex, searching her face for the condemnation he expects. Alex ensures that there isn’t any.

“It makes sense. The entire situation was messed up. Everyone always says that people should focus on forgiveness. But that’s bullshit. You’re not obligated to forgive anybody. It’s okay to just want vengeance. It doesn’t make you evil.”

“You would have done it?” Rafael asks.

“Rafael, I have no fucking idea. I didn’t go through what you did. I had my own demons, but I have nothing on that. I have no idea what I would have done in your shoes, but I know that neither choice was wrong.” Rafael accepts that. He pulls Alex into a firm hug. They stay there for what must be multiple minutes. Eventually Rafael pulls away. He sounds nervous again, but this time he makes eye contact.

“Thank you. For… listening.”

“Any time.” 

“Alex, do you mind sticking around? I know it’s late but… I’d rather just finish today with someone around. The couch isn’t entirely uncomfortable and I can make waffles tomorrow morning. It’s a thing I can actually make, waffles. You know, as a thank you. You don’t have to stay, obviously, but-”

“I don’t mind at all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Chapter six is decidedly lighter. I think this is as sad as it gets for Rafael until Alex "dies" in season 5.  
> On the document I'm using for this story, I'm pretty much done with all of the seasons Alex is in in canon. The chapter I started writing last night takes place in late season 13, so if for any reason anyone thought that updates would be stalled in the foreseeable future, they won't. If anything I'm going to start combining chapters to get through things faster.


	6. A celebration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex introduces Rafael to the squad. Rafael is a great wingman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have reached the end of season 3! Thanks so much to everyone who has read and supported this story. You all are great.  
> Warning in advance, I find romance dialogue difficult to write, and the end of this chapter might reflect that. There's a reason that the majority of romance in this story is addressed by two friends talking about it to each other. I've gone over the dialogue at the end a bunch of times and I think it's as good as it's going to be. I hope it's enjoyable.

Rafael refused to initiate communication at all for the next few days. If Alex wanted to talk to him, she would have to make the call, and he would always sound slightly embarrassed. Alex tried multiple ways of assuring him that she didn’t hold anything against him before he finally started calling her, and scheduling plans himself. And once he felt comfortable, he called her often. To tell stories about the cops he worked with, to complain about a judge, to talk about a new play he wanted to go see. It was a message. He had aired his darkest secrets to her and he trusted her with them. 

They had formed a bond where they could tell each other anything. Which is why Alex didn’t feel embarrassed after she called Rafael at 2:00 in the morning, panicking and unable to sleep, convinced that there were at least 50 different ways her upcoming trial could go wrong, even though they had a confession _and_ DNA. 

Rafael had talked her down, assured her that a trained monkey could handle the trial, and if that was true, then the smartest of the two of them could definitely handle it. Alex had laughed, and then admitted that she had struggled with anxiety since high school, when her parents made it abundantly clear to her that anything less than being the perfect Harvard Cabot would not be acceptable. 

It’s why she opens up to him about how she has an ongoing detente with her mother, wherein her mother will pretend she’s okay with Alex being gay if Alex never mentions her love life at all. She admits that it frustrates her, but that she is thankful that it at least allows them to go to brunch together. 

Still, Alex is displeased with how their friendship has become all about darkness. She wants them to be able to have fun together. So, when she and Olivia (and she supposes the rest of the squad as well) win a particularly nasty case of a grocery store owner who preyed on his mentally disabled employees, and the squad makes plans at Forlini’s, Alex invites Rafael. 

“Everyone, this is Rafael, he’s a friend of mine,” Alex introduces. Rafael shakes hands with Elliot, John, and Fin and nods at Olivia. 

“So, Alex, is Rafael really just your friend?” John asks, raising his eyebrows to indicate he’s clearly joking. Alex, however, sees this as an opportunity. She makes eye contact with Olivia for a moment before speaking.

“Yes, believe it or not. I’m gay, so there are really no plans to take it further.” No one seems particularly surprised, Olivia has a small smile on her face and tries to hide it by covering her mouth with her drink. Only Elliot raises his eyebrows and frowns.

“Oh, Elliot, try not to look so disappointed,” Rafael snips, fully aware that Elliot’s wife is within earshot. Elliot turns _purple_ and Alex barks out a laugh. Fin gives Rafael an impressed look. 

The night continues unimpeded, with John and Rafael talking about working Homicide and Alex somehow getting roped in to playing darts with Elliot, Fin, and Olivia. Just as the game finishes, Rafael walks up to Olivia and motions for her to join him. Alex tries not to stare at them, but she keeps sneaking glances. She’s not worried about Rafael putting the moves on her crush --even if he was attracted to women he wouldn’t do that, it would be a major violation of the bro code-- so she’s not sure what exactly she’s worried about. Once they separate, Alex catches Olivia looking at her, but every time she tries to meet her gaze, Olivia ducks away. She tries again. It happens again. This is weird. This is bad. Alex is now starting to get worried. Whatever Rafael said screwed something up. Alex marches over to Rafael’s barstool and sits down in the one adjacent.

“What did you say to her?” Alex asks a little bit desperately. 

“She likes you,” Rafael says. Alex blinks.

“She-”

“She likes you. Romantically. I promised her I wouldn’t tell you but given that you frequently call me just to analyze something she did and to gush about her eyes, I know you like her back. So, to officially end the high school rom com that’s playing out here, I have secured confirmation that the feeling is mutual. You can now ask her out.”

“But what if she was just saying that because she knows we’re friends?” Alex asks, knowing it’s ridiculous.

“Yes, because admitting that you have feelings for a person’s close friend to that person is not awkward at all.” Well, shit. Alex doesn’t have a comeback for that. Her brain has temporarily stopped feeding her worst case scenarios. 

“You’re sure?”

“Yes.”

“You’re absolutely, 100%, positively sure?” Alex asks again, putting her hands on Rafael’s shoulders and shaking him lightly. 

“Yes.”

“If you’re messing with me I’m never talking to you again,” Alex says, but then she notices Olivia has been looking at her. And she looks embarrassed. Because she must know that Rafael told Alex. Which means… 

You know what, Alex thinks to herself, screw it. She leaves her drink on the bar next to Rafael, and strides up to Olivia as confidently as she can. 

“Alex-” Olivia starts, but Alex is smiling at her, so Olivia stops talking.

“Olivia, do you want to get drinks, with me, like, on a date?” Alex asks. Wow, she thinks, you can really tell she went to Harvard, what with that sentence. 

“We’re already having drinks…” Olivia says, but she’s smiling and her cheeks are flushed.

“Oh, shit, right,” Alex mutters, staring at her shoes. Olivia starts laughing. “So… dinner, or something? My treat?”

“That sounds great,” Olivia says with an enthusiastic nod. Alex suppresses a squeal. 

“Great! Great. We, uh, we don't have to do anything right away, obviously, honestly I’m just happy you said yes, uh-” Alex’s ramblings are cut off when Olivia kisses her on the cheek. Alex feels herself blushing. 

“I want to do whatever you want to do,” Olivia says with a happy smile.

“In that case, do you want to go somewhere else and… talk?” Alex asks.

“You’re sure you just want to talk?” Olivia asks, raising her eyebrows. Alex blushes even more.

“I want to do whatever you want to do,” Alex responds, giving Olivia what she hopes is a coy smile. Olivia laughs loudly, and Alex joins in.

“Well, I have an excellent bottle of red wine at my apartment,” Olivia whispers. 

“Sounds great.”

They walk out of Forlini’s hand in hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's a wrap on season 3. First season 4 chapter should be up the day after tomorrow.  
> Thanks so much for reading!!!


	7. A dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex invites Rafael over for dinner. Rafael receives a promotion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The start of season 4! Yay! I'm pretty sure there are only four chapters for this season, including this one. Thanks to all who have supported this story!

“I have to say, Rafa, my life is pretty great right now,” Alex says as they sit down to lunch.

“Oh?”

“I mean I just put away my fourth murderer in two months,  _ and  _ I officially have a relationship serious enough to disclose to our bosses,” Alex announces proudly.

“Did you ever really need to disclose though? I’m pretty sure all of the NYPD saw you walk out of Forlini’s together that first night.”

“Shut up, I’m trying to gloat,” Alex mutters, rolling her eyes playfully.

“Well… since we’re gloating…” Rafael begins. Alex leans forward. 

“What?”

“I’ve been offered a pseudo-promotion,” Rafael says, looking down at his napkin on the table.

“Really?” Alex practically shrieks. “Tell me everything. Now.”

“The ADA at Brooklyn’s SVU is stepping down,” Rafael says. “I’ve been offered the job.”

“Congratulations!” 

“It’s an honor,” Rafael says, “but more than that, it feels like something I need to do. Homicide is good work, but I’d like to help people when they’re still alive, you know? Be the person I wish had been there for me,” he finishes solemnly. Alex nods. 

“SVU is different,” she says. “That can be a great thing and a terrible thing. I have cases from when I first started that still give me nightmares, but it can be rewarding. I know I’ve changed. But I think it’s for the better.”

“I’m going to take it,” Rafael says with certainty. 

“Good,” Alex says with a smile. “You do realize this means we’ll probably have to work together at some point.”

“Or fight each other for jurisdiction,” Rafael adds. 

“Well, if there’s one thing I’ve learned during my relationship with Olivia it’s that I’m good at compartmentalizing,” Alex assures him.

“Speaking of your relationship with Olivia, I was wondering if it would be possible for me to come to dinner with you two? Maybe get some tips? Or I could host you.”

“That’d be wonderful,” Alex agrees happily. “Why don’t you come over to us? For someone who is home maybe three nights a week, Olivia is actually a really good cook.” Rafael nods eagerly. 

“That sounds great, thank you,” he says, then pauses. “Thank you for everything, I couldn’t have done this without you.”

“Bullshit,” Alex says confidently. “You’re Rafael Barba. I’d hate to be the idiot who stands in your way.”

“If we’re going to be fighting for jurisdiction, I’ve got some bad news for you.”

“Oh, shut it. You’re officially not getting Olivia’s tomato soup recipe.”

“I haven’t asked for it.”

“Trust me, you will.”

Alex turns out to be right. Two nights later, Rafael does indeed ask for the recipe. Olivia gives it to him under the table while Alex is distracted by rinsing off the dishes. Once Alex returns to the table, Rafael takes a piece of paper out of the bag he had brought.

“You actually wrote questions?” Alex asks skeptically.

“I’m prepared,” Rafael retorts, raising his chin slightly. Alex rolls her eyes.

“What are your questions?” Olivia asks, elbowing Alex lightly.

“I’ll start with the big one. I’ve heard from pretty much everyone I’ve spoken to that SVU is different, and while I understand that since every unit is different, I was hoping to better understand the weight that carries, if that makes sense?” Rafael asks. Olivia nods.

“It’s the victims,” Olivia responds immediately. “A lot of the time, they’re still alive, which adds a whole new dimension to your case. You’re accountable to them. They’re going through the worst time of their lives, and they need you. For support. Not even for justice, just for peace of mind. To know that the person who hurt them can’t do it again. The cases are also ugly, you’ll encounter the most depraved shit you’ll ever see in your life, but you can’t stop working. You can’t walk out of the room. You stay, because however awful and nightmare-inducing it is for you, it’s worse for the victims.”

“You feel the losses,” Alex adds. “The losses are worse. When the survivors are there, watching you, counting on you. The ones with children… it’s awful. And not only are losses worse, they’re more frequent. You could have a woman who has multiple fractured limbs and still lose your case because the defense will argue she liked it that way and bring a resentful ex to confirm. Oh, and you’ll make a lot of people angry. However many death threats you’re getting right now, double it.”

“Babe…” Olivia starts at the mention of death threats.

“It’s nothing. They’ve been investigated, I’m fine,” Alex reassures her. 

“Christ, why did I take this job?” Rafael asks, staring at them.

“Because someone has to and from what Alex tells me, you’re damn good,” Olivia responds, a small smirk on her face. 

“Alex is biased,” Rafael responds. 

“Yes, but she’s rarely wrong about anyone,” Olivia shoots back, indicating herself before absentmindedly gesturing at Rafael. It’s now Alex’s turn to elbow Olivia.

“Speaking of…” Rafael decides to forego the rest of his questions. He gestures for Olivia to follow him as he retreats to the kitchen.

“Yes?” she asks.

“Look, I realize I probably shouldn’t be doing this in your apartment when you’re the only one in the room who can competently use a weapon, but it’s time for the scary best friend talk,” Rafael says matter-of-factly. Olivia laughs.

“Are you going to break my kneecaps?” she asks. 

“Well that depends, are you going to hurt her?” Rafael asks. 

“Of course not,” Olivia answers immediately.

“I’m just saying Olivia, I know the signs of a bad relationship, and if I see the signs-”

“-you’ll break my kneecaps,” Olivia finishes.

“Maybe, but no one will know because they’ll never find your body,” Rafael says evenly. Olivia blinks at that.

“Message received.”

“I mean it-” Rafael begins, trying to convey just how much his friend means to him, when Olivia interrupts him. She grabs him by the shoulders and forces him to maintain eye contact.

“Rafael, I will  _ never _ hurt her,” she promises. “Alex Cabot is the best thing to happen to me in a long time, and I swear I will do everything in my power not to jeopardize that.” Rafael holds her gaze for the moment before nodding.

“Okay.”

“So… truce?” Olivia asks, offering her hand.

“Of course,” Rafael answers, shaking it. 

“So, did you get the answers you needed?” Alex asks as she hands Rafael a container of leftovers.

“Yes. About how then one topic.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means Olivia knows to be afraid of my wrath should she hurt you.”

“Uh huh. You would beat her up, Rafael?”

“Something like that.”

“You do realize that she’s trained in combat and you’re a lawyer.”

“You’re also a lawyer.”

“I’m not claiming I could successfully fight a cop. Besides, I have martial arts training.”

“Fine. But I’m crafty.”

“That you are.”

“I could… legal her into submission,” Rafael asserts. “She would never know what hit her.”

“I’m sure she’s afraid,” Alex says with a laugh. 

“Goodnight, Alex.”

“Goodnight, Rafael.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Rafael has finally started working at SVU. He has a long and illustrious career ahead of him.   
> Let me know what you think about this chapter! Thanks for reading!


	8. A wrong verdict

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex ruminates on an injustice. Rafael has good news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are fewer chapters for this season, so we are already at mid season 4. Thanks to everyone who left comments!  
> This chapter and the next are kind of half more straight-forward, case-related post-episodes, and half more details about Alex and Rafael's families. This one leans more towards the case, while the next one will lean more towards the family side.

“Our jobs are garbage, life is garbage, I hate everything,” Alex says bitterly, sitting down on the barstool next to Rafael with a heavy  _ thump _ and a sigh. 

“Not that I don’t agree, but would you care to be more specific?” Rafael asks.

“It’s just some days I don’t think we do anything good,” Alex sighs, staring at the counter. 

“Alex, did something bring this on? Because I’ve only been on the job a few months and I feel like there’s good to be done here. I mean, sure it’s difficult to actually achieve anything, our society is, as you would likely eloquently put it, garbage, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t try. Is that what it is?”

“No, Rafa, I’m not talking about the times we fail to do good, God knows if I was I wouldn’t work here anymore, I’m talking about when we actively do evil.”

“I like to think I haven’t done evil,” Rafael says. “Have you?”

“I just stood by and  _ helped  _ Donnelly put away a fourteen year old boy.”

“Right.”

“I mean, he was fourteen, Rafael. Fourteen. He was just a scared kid. He was petrified. He didn’t mean to do or help with any of it. And now he won’t be out of prison until he’s well into his 30s,” Alex says mournfully, fixing Rafael with a pained stare. He puts a hand on her arm. 

“You couldn’t have offered him a deal?”

“We tried. His mother wouldn’t take it.”

“Then it’s not your fault. You tried.”

“That’s what Olivia said.”

“And?”

“And she’s wrong. But I didn’t want to fight with her, because I know when I complain about having to prosecute certain cases it sometimes comes off like I’m mad at her for bringing the suspects even though that’s not what I mean and she knows that but she gets tense when I’m upset so it’s best to just find someone else to rant about this particular issue to, not that I mind, this is why I have friends,” Alex says in a rush.

“That makes sense. Though I’m a bit insulted that my only role seems to be ‘sounding board for rants,’” Rafael says.

“You know that’s not what I mean. You’re the best.”

“Yeah, I know, I’m just messing with you. And look, about the case, I’m not going to lie to you and say it was a great day for justice. That’d just be patronizing. But I am going to say that you did what you could while keeping your job, and this is what the appeals process is for. I assume the boy’s attorney has already filed an appeal?”

“Yes.”

“You could help. You know the case better than anyone,” Rafael suggests.

“Donnelly will be so pissed…” Alex mutters, but Rafael can tell she’s considering it. 

“When has that ever stopped you from doing anything?” Rafael asks with a smirk.

“I suppose that’s true… No, you’re right, I’ll call her.”

“Good. Now, assuming that’s done with, at least temporarily, would you like to hear some good news?”

“God, please.”

“My abuela’s home from the hospital,” Rafael says with a small smile. Alex’s face lights up.

“Oh, Rafael, that’s amazing!”

“It is, and she’s so happy to be home. She told me, ‘Rafi, next time I get sick, you have to bring the doctors here’ and I’m pretty sure she meant it. She just loves that old apartment. Everyone was so happy to see her, too. I swear half the families in the Bronx baked her something.”

“That’s so nice, I imagine your grandmother is quite popular?”

“Oh you have no idea. She’s the nicest woman. One of the few people who was ever truly kind to me.” He pauses, before nodding. “You should meet her. We’re having a ‘welcome home’ party for her in a few weeks. You should bring Olivia and you should come.”

“Really? I don’t want to impose, she doesn’t even know me-”

“She knows of you.”

“What?”

“I… I told her about how we met, what was going on, how you helped me. She’s a… fan of yours.”

“What?” Alex asks, feeling a little overwhelmed. The thought of introducing Rafael to anyone in her family had never crossed her mind. Maybe because she hadn’t been to a family gathering in a year. She feels a familiar anxiety. If she goes, she has to meet expectations. She can’t do that. She’ll go, and she’ll make a fool of herself in front of Rafael’s grandmother and the entire family of someone she’s not even dating-

“I told her about how you’ve been there for me. How you make me feel better about myself. How you, uh, you’re my best friend, and how much that means to me. And my abuelita, she was very happy. Because as you know, I really don’t have many people. She always gets so excited when I have new people.” Alex is still frozen. That’s a lot. Yes, Alex has supported Rafael, but he’s making it sound like it was effort on her part. It wasn’t. She was just saying stuff she believed. Besides, Rafael does the same for her. And what if his grandmother is expecting this angel who can recite entire sonnets about her grandson’s greatness? Well, Alex could probably pull that off, but she’d need time, and she doesn’t have any time, and it would be ridiculous anyway and she can’t do it. 

“You don’t have to go,” Rafael says lightly. Alex considers it. He won’t be mad if she doesn’t go. He knows about the anxiety these gatherings give her. But he will be hurt, even if the logical part of his brain will protest. He wants her to go. He wants her to go because his abuelita means a lot to him and so do his friends.

“I will absolutely go. What should I bring?”

“One can never have too many desserts.”

“Noted.”

“Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“If you want abuelita to like you, all you really have to do is be nice to me. And you already do that. I know you’ll worry about it, but it really will be fine. You’re like family to me. She’ll recognize that,” Rafael says sincerely. 

“Be nice to you for a whole three hours, Rafael? I don’t know if I can swing that," Alex jokes, feeling slightly calmer.

“Yeah, okay,” Rafael laughs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick note, spurred on by the of the introduction of Rafael's abuelita in this chapter: while a lot of this story is a fix-it, and thus has more happy endings (the ships and the lack of later season 19, for example), most tragedies will still happen. The most notable instances I can think of are Alex's "death" and time in Witness Protection, the William Lewis storyline (the format is different for those chapters, I'll explain when the story gets to season 14), and the death of Rafael's abuelita.   
> Right now, there are three more chapters before Alex "dies." There will be one chapter in the immediate aftermath of her "death" and one chapter that is sort of a montage about how things are broadly affected by it before Alex returns in mid-late season 7. There will then be I think two chapters set between Alex's return to New York and Alex's return to SVU. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! Have a great day!


	9. A decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex makes a decision about her family. Rafael asks about a case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is this? Another family chapter? I did mention that this would happen. Honestly this chapter is like 75% about family, at least. This one's a little heavy, which I felt was necessary given that the next two chapters are pretty much pure fluff.   
> Trigger warning: homophobia (no homophobic language or violence but lots of mentions of homophobic behavior)

“I managed to find a constitutional loophole big enough to shove my case through, but I can’t even enjoy it because I have to think about how Olivia met my mother,” Alex says, sitting down next to Rafael.

“Hello to you too, Alex.”

“Sorry. Hello, Rafael. Good to see you. I have many conflicting emotions.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Well, what’s wrong is that Olivia met my mother, and my mother was, well, my mother.”

“How bad?”

“‘Alexandra, who is this woman and why does she not own a suitable evening dress?’” Alex imitates, raising her voice and pinching her nose in a terrible British accent.

“Your mother is the Queen of England?”

“She wishes. My mother’s from old money. She likes everything to be neat and pretty. A husband, a wife, children. She’s completely obsessed with it when it comes to me because she had complications when I was born and so I’m her only child. She used to threaten to withhold college money from me unless I promised to find a husband, even after I came out to her. Thankfully, my dad and my Uncle Bill got involved and put a stop to that. I thought she might refrain from asking if I’m seeing any nice men if I brought my girlfriend to meet her, but I was wrong.”

“What did she do?”

“Well, she introduced Olivia as my roommate the entire night. Some of her friends were there and she would just say ‘This here is  _ Olivia _ , she’s Alexandra’s roommate,’ in this snotty tone. I think it’s because not only is she invalidating Olivia as my girlfriend, but she’s also implying that because I don’t take family money I need a roommate to afford an apartment.”

“Oh dear God. How did Olivia handle that?”

“Well, she more than held her own. She pretty much dragged me by the hand to talk to everyone she could find, including third cousins whose names I didn’t even know, and she would introduce herself as ‘Olivia, Alex’s live-in girlfriend’ with an innocent smile on her face. She took special joy in doing this to older family members. She had her hand on my lower back the entire night. One time one of my aunts was telling this story about me and Olivia just went ‘Babe, that was so cute of you’ and kissed me enthusiastically right in front of them. She had asked permission earlier in the night and I'd said yes but I didn’t think she’d be brave enough to actually do it. It was great.” 

“Sounds like a good night,” Rafael says, smiling. “What’s the issue?”

“It was a good night. I had fun. The issue is that I thought maybe it would be different. Like it’s one thing if I’m single and ‘not looking for a husband’ or whatever, but I thought maybe if she saw I had a girlfriend, someone who made me happy, someone I was serious about, she’d come around. I thought maybe she’d even like Olivia, because I used to never want kids, but Olivia and I have talked and decided that we do want to have kids in the future. If Olivia had been a man and convinced me of that, my mother would have worshipped the ground she walked on. But no. 

“And as much as I want to hate my mother, I can’t. Because she was supportive of me in every other aspect of my life. She helped me get started with debate, always bought me any books I wanted to read. She taught how to play poker. For most of my life I thought she was the coolest person ever, because what kind of socialite teaches you Texas Hold ‘Em? It’s this one thing that’s just completely forced us apart. 

“And I’ve read sometimes about parents who just want their children to be happy, and because they absorbed all the homophobic propoganda they assume that they can’t be happy if they’re gay, but once they do see their children happy they turn around. I convinced myself that was my mom. But it’s not. I’m happy and my mom still doesn’t accept me. So that’s it, I guess. I’m not subjecting Olivia to that again, because even though she had fun messing with people, I know that it hurt her. So I’m done.”

“Wow. I’m so sorry.”

“It was inevitable.”

“That doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.”

“Yeah," Alex sighs. "What about your mom, Rafael? You don’t need to tell me, obviously, but I really don’t know that much about her.”

“She’s kind of what you described, about the parents who just want their kids to be happy. She was upset when I first came out to her because she didn’t want my life to be any harder than it already was. But she accepted it somewhat early. I told her when I was 16, about a year after my father found out, because he told me not to tell her, and it took me a while to work up the nerve to disobey him. Two months later she asked me if I was absolutely sure. When I said I was she told me to pack my stuff because we were staying with my abuelita for the next few months until she could find a place for us without my father. She chose me over him.

“She always judges my choices because she thinks I’m unhappy. I introduced her to a couple of my terrible boyfriends, and she hated them. But instead of taking that as a signal to leave, I got really defensive, and asked her what she would know about what a good relationship looks like. I convinced myself she never liked my boyfriends because she was just judgy and/or homophobic. When you and I met I hadn’t talked to my mother in months. We talk pretty regularly now. She confirmed what I started suspecting; that they reminded her of my father. She’s happy that I’m safe, at least. So yeah, that’s my mother.”

“She sounds… intense.”

“She’d be flattered by that. She teaches.” Alex laughs. “So, now that we’ve confirmed that both of our family circumstances are dismal, I believe you mentioned something about finding a way to subvert the first amendment?”

“I did. I successfully got a conviction on someone who makes virtual child pornography.”

“I don’t understand, I thought computer images carried the same amount of time as photos.”

“They do. I’m talking about someone who used a 19 year old actress, and used de-aging software to make her look younger, which made this other guy go out and murder a nine year old in the same way the 19 year old was murdered in the publication.”

“Yikes. I’m surprised I haven’t had a similar case yet.”

“Hopefully you won’t if the conviction sticks. I don’t imagine many porn producers want to be charged with facilitation.”

“I take it the company is still arguing free speech since no child was actually involved?”

“Yep. And they’re represented by our old law professor, Barry Moredock.” 

“You beat Professor Moredock?”

“Yeah,” Alex says, smiling proudly.

“Nice work.”

“He told me he was proud of me.”

“Of course he did.”

“I mean, I’m a little proud of me.”

“With good reason. I imagine there aren’t many cases on this kind of issue yet, so you might have set precedent.”

“Good. There were so many creeps in this case, I swear. Hopefully if this is precedent the rest will be easier.”

“Hopefully, but probably not,” Rafael guesses. Alex sighs.

“You’re probably right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex's mother is vaguely based on what I remember of Emily Gilmore from Gilmore Girls.   
> Thanks for reading! See you next chapter for Rafael's birthday celebration!


	10. A birthday party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex plans an event. Rafael celebrates his birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 10th chapter! And the last chapter of season 4! This feels like an accomplishment. Thank you all so much for your support.  
> So this one is pretty much pure fluff. Not even really episode-related. It's what the chapter title says. Enjoy your reprieve from heaviness and angst for this chapter and next chapter because after that things get Sad.

“I swear to God, Rita, if you set off the confetti machine before the designated time I will have one of the detectives arrest you,” Alex growls. 

“Relax, Alexandra, I’m just standing next to it,” Rita says innocently. “Besides, I’m a prosecutor, same as you, so I doubt the charges will stick.”

“Do you really want to test me now, Calhoun? Here?”

“You really don’t, Rita, Alex spent weeks organizing this party and she  _ will _ murder you if you screw it up,” Olivia warns. Alex nods. It took her two months to get the information about when Rafael’s birthday even was, and after that she only had a few weeks of actual planning time. Does anyone realize the kind of decor one can assemble with only a few weeks to save, budget, and spend accordingly? Paltry. Paltry decor. Some balloons, a cake, a sign, and a lousy confetti machine. No banner to say ‘It’s Rafael’s 28th birthday today! All gather and celebrate!’ and in the event that that message was too long, there wouldn’t even be a banner to just say ‘happy birthday’ with at least four exclamation points. Paltry. 

She likes to think she made it up to Rafael with the guest list. In addition to her, Olivia, and Rita, Alex has managed to assemble some of the detectives Rafael worked with who actually treated him with something other than grudging tolerance. His grandmother is also here, sitting in a chair, looking amused as Alex fiddles with the balloon arrangement for the hundredth time. She had also reached out to some of the friends Rafael had told her about. As such, Rafael’s friend Eddie is here, even though she’s still pretty sure he doesn’t know who she is. It seems newly elected City Councillor Muñoz is too big a deal to attend a measly birthday party. Oh well. It would have been awkward anyway. 

She has reserved three tables at Forlini’s, and told Rafael to meet her here for their weekly drink. He has no idea. Or at least, he shouldn’t. Alex is a bundle of nervous energy, pacing around the room, checking to make sure that there are no misspellings on the cake, that the confetti machine is safe, and that she remembered the mini vacuum for clean-up. 

“Al, sweetheart, I love you, but you’re making me dizzy,” Olivia says, putting her hands on both of Alex’s shoulders.

“She’s being too polite!” Rita calls. 

“Ignore her,” Olivia sighs. 

“Gladly,” Alex mutters. “I’m sorry I’m being a little… hyper-active. I just don’t want to mess it up. This should be special. You’re sure I made the right call, right? In not pushing Muñoz’s people? You think he’ll still have fun?”

“Judging by what I heard, I wouldn’t have called him in the first place,” Olivia assures her.

“You’re right. Crap. What if he’s mad that I called? I should have just not. You should have just cooked dinner for the three of us like you suggested-”

“Alex-”

“It’s going to be okay, right? I mean, I think it looks fine…”

“Alex!”

“What?”

“Rafael’s outside.”

“Okay. Okay! Places people. Do not fuck this up or none of you get cake, understand? Sorry, Mrs. Diaz, not you. You get cake even if you mess up. But none of the rest of you. Looking at you, Calhoun.”

“Relax, Cabot, the party looks great.”

“Well no one ask- oh wait, thank you,” Alex says. Olivia laughs. Rafael enters the restaurant, looking around before noticing Alex. And then noticing Olivia. And then Rita. And then Eddie. As realization slowly dawns on him, Alex counts down from five.

“SURPRISE!” everyone yells. Rita looks at Alex. Alex nods. Rita fires the confetti machine with a grin. 

“Oh my god,” Rafael says quietly. Looking up at the confetti, then at Alex, then at the cake, then at Alex, then at his abuela, who has left her seat and is walking towards him.

“Happy birthday, Rafi,” she says warmly. Rafael hugs her tightly. As they separate he makes eye contact with Alex, who smiles nervously. When the hug ends, Rafael walks over to her.

“You set this up.”

“I did.”

“You did this for me.”

“I mean, it’s just a party-”

“Alex, you assembled all this stuff, all these people --I don’t even know how you managed to find Eddie-- for me even though I made it difficult for you. It’s… really nice.”

“Well, good. I wanted to do something nice. And as for how I contacted Eddie, Rikers employees have their contact information in a database. I had Olivia do something unethical.”

“How devious.”

“It worked, didn’t it?”

“Yes it did. Are we having cake?”

“Eventually, I thought you’d want to mingle.”

“Nope, I’m pretty sure I just want cake.”

“Well too bad, you’re mingling anyway.”

“Well, I suppose we  _ should _ talk about the truly apocalyptic mistake you just made by introducing the world to the combination of Rita and a confetti cannon.”

“It wasn’t a  _ cannon _ ,” Alex objects playfully. “They would never let a cannon into Forlini’s. This is a respectable establishment.”

“A distinction without a difference. The damage has been done,” Rafael retorts. Alex grins.

“Hey, Rita! You’ll never believe what Rafael said about you being damaged!” Alex calls.

“WHAT?” Rita yells with mock-anger. Rafael glares at Alex as she walks away.

Olivia is standing at the bar, and when she sees Alex approach, she orders her a glass of wine.

“Great party, babe,” Olivia enthuses, kissing Alex quickly. They stand together as they watch Rafael get chewed out by Rita. “Are they going to be okay?”

“Rita can complain all she wants but I know whatever she got Rafael is both deeply personal and over $200,” Alex says evenly. Olivia laughs. 

“Hey, when are we having cake?” Olivia asks.

“I swear to God, what is it with people I care about and cake?”

“It’s the only reason one attends birthday parties, Al.”

“So celebrating with people who support you and want you to have the best year possible is entirely irrelevant?”

“Got it in one, you’re so smart.”

“Well if I knew all I had to do was get you cake, I could have saved a lot of time and money on  _ your  _ birthday party,” Alex sighs.

“Hey, I think Elliot’s kids absolutely loved the balloon animals,” Olivia assures her, with just a trace of mockery. Alex rolls her eyes.

“You are my girlfriend! We’ve been together over a year! It was your birthday! What was I supposed to do?”

“Laser tag,” Olivia answers immediately.

“Are you serious?” Alex asks, incredulous.

“Yes.”

“I suppose it would be fun to shoot Elliot with no real consequences,” Alex mutters, considering.

“That’s the spirit.”

“Next year will be laser tag, then,” Alex decides, already planning. Rafael stalks up to them, leaving Rita to talk to his grandmother.

“At long last, I have escaped,” he says with an over-dramatic gasp.

“Rafa, did you recruit your grandmother to distract Rita?” Alex asks, amused.

“Abuelita was more than willing to help.”

“Okay.”

“So… cake?”

“I cannot believe you.”

“Hey, you’re the one who is always saying that I deserve great things. And the great thing I deserve at this moment is the birthday cake that was so generously and thoughtfully obtained for me by my best friend,” Rafael says, fixing her with his best smile. Alex sighs, but nods. She really can’t object to that. 

“Okay, everyone! I guess it’s time for cake!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed the return of Rita. She's in a few more chapters and she's always fun to write.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	11. A favor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex makes an important decision. Rafael agrees to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the first of two chapters on season 5!  
> This chapter is a little different format-wise since the start focusses on Alex's inner monologue, but I figured that the large amount of Rafael's inner monologue that will be happening over the next two chapters balances it out. Anyway, enjoy some nice fluff.

Alex has been doing some thinking about Olivia. Well, she’s always thinking about Olivia, but more recently she’s been really thinking. Alex is an over-thinker by nature, so it’s something that these past few weeks have been the first time she’s ever actually thought objectively about her relationship. From the jump, she’s always been sure. From the earliest days of ranting about her crush to Rafael, Alex has always been sure about Olivia. 

Olivia is always there. 

Olivia knows when she’s upset, and brings her ice cream from the little shop that’s actually a decent walk away from the precinct. But recently this hasn’t been that much of an issue, because Alex is usually happy, because Olivia is there. 

When Alex is angry, Olivia will let her rant until she’s red in the face, and will often join in, because they have similar morals and they both care in equal degrees. It's reassuring. It lets Alex know she's not crazy.

When Alex is so torn up about a case that she feels like if she has to talk about it to one more person she’s going to go into a meltdown so intense it lands her in the hospital, Olivia is there offering to get drinks so they can maybe stop thinking about it for two seconds and offering insight about what’s actually going on in Alex’s mind, because she knows the intensity of the emotions without being able to fully understand them is scaring Alex.

And Alex can also tell when Olivia is upset, and she’ll get croissants from Olivia’s favorite bakery that’s over twenty minutes away, and bring them to Olivia. This causes her to be fifteen minutes late to meetings, which angers Donnelly but makes Olivia feel better, so it’s worth it. But instances where that is necessary have similarly declined, because Alex makes Olivia happy.

When Olivia is angry Olivia gets scared of her own brain, and Alex always has her many, many genetics articles saved in case it gets bad, but usually all that needs to happen is for Olivia to see that Alex is also angry, so it’s not just her. And that is never a problem. 

When Olivia is torn up about a case, Alex doesn’t let her sleep at the precinct. Olivia always protests at first but as they’re driving home she’ll slump against Alex and hold her tight when they’re falling asleep together. The next day Olivia wakes up rested and usually with a new idea, because when Olivia’s most tired there’s usually still something that can be done.

And above all, they love each other. So much.

It works. It works as close to perfectly as Alex has ever known. Alex loves her life, loves _their_ life. So the next step just feels natural.

All of these thoughts are why Alex summons Rafael to Forlini’s the evening before one of their few mutual days off. 

“Whoever agreed to give you bangs should lose their license,” Rafael grumbles as he sits down. 

“Olivia likes it.”

“Olivia is lying to you.”

“Okay, well it’s not permanent, Rafa, so don’t worry. And, speaking of things being permanent-”

“You can’t use your own sentence as a segue,” Rafael interrupts. Alex glares.

“I just did. _Anyway_ , speaking of things being permanent, I was wondering if you’d help me go ring shopping?”

“Ring shopping?”

“Yes. For Olivia.” Alex waits for Rafael to catch on. It takes a few seconds, but then his eyes widen almost comically and his mouth falls partially open.

“ _Alex._ ” 

“Yeah.”

“I… I’m so happy for you. I…”

“I’m pretty happy, too,” Alex says, interrupting Rafael’s stammering. A happy silence falls over them. Then Rafael’s face falls for a moment. 

“Alex?”

“Yes?”

“You… do know… that you and Olivia can’t… you know…”

“Be legally married?”

“Yes.”

“Rafael, I’m a criminal attorney working Special Victims and a lesbian. I know what laws are in place regarding the LGBT community.”

“Right, of course, I just meant-”

“I know. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that I’d be so taken by the idea of Olivia being my wife I’d forget that that couldn’t technically, legally happen in New York. But it won’t be that way forever. I can still get an engagement ring.”

“That’s very true.”

“So, you’ll help?”

“Is there some reason you think that I have any knowledge of women's engagement rings? Because I don't.”

“So you won’t help?”

“No, no, I’ll help. Just tell me where and when.” They sit in companionable silence for a few moments before Rafael speaks.

“Alex, would you say that we’re similar?” he asks. Alex blinks, confused.

“Yes, why?”

“I mean, would you say that, in terms of our general qualities, and overall, you know, interpersonal skill, we are in the same bracket?”

“Sure. Why?”

“Nothing.”

“Rafael.”

“It’s really nothing, Alex.”

“Rafi.”

“Okay, okay. It’s just… you and Olivia are so happy, and you are so good to each other. And I guess I want to know if you think we’re similar because you give me hope. That I could have something similar. And that’s a big deal for me. And I know I’m being an asshole and making your imminent proposal about me but you did ask and I just wanted to know.”

“I think that’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

“Wow, I take back everything I said about Olivia being so good to you because that should really not be the high point when you’re about to get engaged,” Rafael snarks, and Alex just grins, because she knows he’s a little bit flustered. She’ll give him this cover. 

“You know what I mean, Rafael,” she says simply. He nods quickly.

“You have talked about marriage before, with Olivia, right?” Rafael asks.

“Yes.”

“When?”

“You remember how I told you about taking her to meet my mother?” Alex prompts. Rafael nods. “Well the part I didn’t tell you, because I was still kind of surprised myself, was when my mother went on her usual rant about how ‘she just wants her precious girl to get married’ Olivia very loudly and defiantly said, ‘What makes you think I’m not going to marry her?’ After that we were kind of obligated to talk about it. We were pretty much on the same page.”

“Wow.”

“It was great. I never thought I’d say that about a function my mother put on, but Olivia is truly special,” Alex says, a slight dreamy quality in her voice. 

“It sounds like it.”

“By the way, you’re definitely going to be my Manservant of Honor. You’ve been my best friend for longer than I’ve even understood my feelings for Olivia, and I am so happy I have you in my life. You’re the best,” Alex says sincerely, putting a hand on Rafael’s arm. Rafael blinks at her, trying to fully analyze what she’s just said. Alex thinks he might be broken, but then his face settles into an amused smirk. There he is.

“You said so many nice things in there I almost missed the ‘Manservant of Honor’ title. The name needs serious workshopping.”

“I don’t know, I like it. If it’s any consolation, I meant all of the things I said.”

“I know.”

“And?”

“And you’re my best friend. And I couldn’t be happier for you. And you mean so much to me. And obviously I’ll accept and be your... umm…”

“Manservant of Honor. That’s the only name it’s getting.”

“Objection.”

“Overruled.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I don't really focus on the relationships that much, but Olivia and Alex have been together for about a year and a half, so I figured Alex deciding she wants to propose is realistic. The last half of the dialogue (the whole 'Manservant of Honor' bit) was based on me spending too long thinking about what the male form of 'Maid of Honor' would be. I figured that since the female form of 'Best Man' is usually just 'Best Woman' then the women's wedding party equivalent would also hold its general wording, if that makes sense. I know that the word "maid" in the title is probably the different use but I'd spent too much time considering it and also Alex just likes messing with Rafael. If anyone knows the actual term, let me know.  
> I had to look up when gay marriage was legalized in NY, and while it was before Obergefell, it was as recently as 2011, and season 5 was likely set in 2003-2004, so Alex and Olivia couldn't have legally gotten married. Other fun fact: two Supreme Court justices apparently want to overturn the Obergefell decision, and if Trump continues to control Supreme Court appointments that might happen. United States readers who are eligible: please vote, for the love of everything good in this world. Overseas readers: pray for us Americans.  
> Thanks for reading!


	12. An aftermath of a funeral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael mourns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me.  
> Light major character death warning for this one. Alex isn't dead, obviously, but since in canon only Stabler and Olivia know she's alive that means that Rafael thinks she's actually dead and I wrote it as such. Besides, this chapter is set the night after Alex's funeral, so presumably Olivia and Stabler don't even know she's alive at this point.

Rafael is not sure what bar he’s at. He just remembers instinctively going to Forlini’s for his and Alex’s traditional weekday drink, and then realizing he was alone. He almost didn’t go in. He shouldn’t have gone in. 

He shouldn’t have gone in because Franco, the nice bartender who knows Rafael’s order by heart, immediately asked him where Alex was. Rafael had wanted to scream. And Rafael couldn’t scream, because he was inside, so he went outside, to an alley where he thought he would scream. Or cry. Because unlike Franco the nice bartender, he knows where Alex is. She’s underground. In her family’s cemetery. Next to her father, who had actually been a good father, all things considered, and who Alex had loved. 

Rafael hadn’t screamed. And he hadn’t cried. He had just walked. He had walked because he had still needed a drink, and if he couldn’t go to Forlini’s that meant he had to go somewhere else. 

He’s not sure where he is. He just knows it smells old and the lighting is too low, like it’s trying too hard to create an ambience. Forlini’s never did that. Or maybe it did, and he just didn’t care, because when Alex was there Forlini’s was always a good place to be. He vaguely remembers ordering a whiskey. He drank it at some point, and then ordered another. And another. And a few more after that. He can barely see. But he isn’t drunk enough, because he can still _feel_ . And he can still _remember_.

“Buddy, if you don’t mind me asking, why are you drinking so much?” the bartender asks. Rafael can still hear him, but it’s background noise. 

“My best friend just died,” he mumbles, more to himself than anything.

“I’m sorry,” the bartender says, and refills his glass without Rafael needing to ask him to. Rafael is sick of people apologizing to him.

People apologized a lot at Alex’s funeral, when they learned how close she and Rafael were. They apologized to him, and to Olivia, and to Alex’s mother, who Rafael had never met before. Rafael had just nodded. He can’t remember their faces. He remembers Olivia’s face, when she had apologized to him, because she blames herself. She thinks she should have protected Alex. What was she supposed to do? Alex was shot from a moving car with tinted windows, what could Olivia have done? Jump in front of the bullet? If that had happened, nothing would be better. Or at least, that’s what Rafael tells himself, because he’s ashamed of the dark, dark part of his soul that does wish Alex was here instead. 

Rafael is very drunk now. Drunk enough that he can barely remember the last conversation he and Alex had.

_“Hey, Rafael, I can’t make it to drinks, tonight,” Alex says._

_“Why not?” Rafael asks, because he enjoys spending time with Alex. She’s his best friend. He’s already composing his speech for her wedding._

_“Look, don’t freak out, but I’ve been getting death threats,” she says calmly._

_“‘Don’t freak out’? ‘DON’T FREAK OUT’? How serious are these threats?” he asks hurriedly._

_“Look, they have my home address, but I have a security detail, everywhere I go they’ll be one of the detectives, too, though Olivia isn’t technically supposed to be involved…”_

_“She’ll make herself involved,” Rafael finishes for her. Alex laughs into the phone._

_“See, you get it. Don’t worry. It’ll all be okay,” Alex says._

“It’ll all be okay,” Rafael says to himself, staring at his glass. And then, because he foolishly made the decision to go back to an inside place where he still can’t scream, he starts to laugh. Quietly, and mildly deranged. The bartender notices.

“Okay, buddy, that’s it for the night,” he says. Rafael is irritated. He is not this man’s _buddy_ . Alex called him buddy. On their first night of drinks. Rafael remembers that, maybe because he was drunk then, too. He had been drunk, and sad, and Alex had _listened_. He remembers the kindness on her face. He still remembers. He needs more alcohol. He looks at the bartender, pleadingly. The bartender shakes his head sadly. 

Rafael accepts his fate. He looks around for Alex, who always makes sure he gets home safe when he drinks too much. 

He then realizes his mistake. 

He gets out of there as quickly as he can without falling over. He can’t be around people right now. He checks his phone. 14 missed calls from Rita. Rita, who antagonized Alex but secretly liked her and considered her a positive acquaintance, if not a friend. No one knew Rita and Alex were friends, so Rita didn’t get to go to the funeral. He has three missed calls from his abuelita. His abuelita, who loves him more than life itself but at this moment it doesn’t even matter. His abuelita, who cared for Alex, but who also couldn’t go to the funeral. He feels guilty. His abuelita can barely use the cellphone he bought for her and she called three times. He feels guilty, but he doesn’t call back, if only because it’d only make her more concerned if she could hear his voice right now. 

He flags a cab. He gets in. He gives his address. He doesn’t even bother to check if it’s actually a cab. Oh well. If he dies, he dies. He’s in Manhattan. The cops are good here. They’ll find whoever kills him.

Alas, no such luck. He makes it to his apartment unscathed. He collapses on his couch. He feels a lump. That angers him. His couch should be his ally right now. He digs under the cushions and unearths the source of the lump.

The ring box.

Alex’s ring box.

The ring box Alex had asked Rafael to keep because she and Olivia lived together and she didn’t want Olivia to find it by accident and ruin the surprise. 

That had been three weeks ago.

Rafael starts sobbing. He sobs loud enough that he’s pretty sure the neighbors can hear. It feels almost fair: he’s heard their worst fights, maybe they should hear his complete breakdown.

This shouldn’t be happening.

Alex shouldn’t be dead.

He was going to be her Manservant of Honor.

He was going to give a speech.

He should be helping Alex plan an elaborate, Alex-level proposal that will put her birthday parties for Olivia to shame. He shouldn’t be debating what to do with the ring box. 

He tries to think between sobs. Maybe thinking, having a task, will make this easier in some way. Should he give it away? No. No. He can’t just _give away_ something that was so important to Alex. Should he keep it? For what? Even if he was interested in marrying a woman, he wouldn’t give her the engagement ring a dead friend picked out for her girlfriend. That is definitely callous and borders on Freudian. A traitorous thought enters his mind that he should keep it in case Alex comes back. He hates himself for conjuring the thought, because now he has hope in some delusional crevice of his brain. He thought he got past denial somewhere around the 7th time he asked Olivia if she was sure Alex was dead. Should he give it to Olivia? Would she want it? Or would it just make everything somehow more painful? Would it just serve as a reminder that Alex is… That Alex is…

He dissolves into sobs again. 

He can’t give the ring away.

He can’t give it to Olivia. 

So he uses all the remaining faculties he has to unlock his safe and put the box inside. Maybe if he develops some kind of life-threatening illness and has hospital bills in the millions then he can sell it. He reasons that Alex wouldn’t be mad. That she would want him to be alive. To live enough years for both of them. 

He steers himself towards his bedroom and collapses on his bed. He doesn’t bother changing his clothes or getting under the covers. He doesn’t think he can. He just waits to slip into unconsciousness and hopes that tomorrow won’t be as awful as today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was ugly. I would apologize but I think it's really the show writers who "killed" Alex who should apologize. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	13. An interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael grows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very different from the previous chapters. The most obvious difference is the distinct lack of dialogue. Dialogue is really my favorite thing to write, so I hope this chapter is still good even without the main component. Also, this chapter doesn't have a specific season tied to it. It could be set anywhere from mid season 6-mid season 7. If I had to pick a time, I'd say early season 7. This chapter is pretty much entirely about how Rafael lives is life and the more long-lasting impacts of Alex's "death" on both his mental state and his relationships with the other characters that have shown up in previous chapters.

Slowly, things get better. 

After a while, Rafael stops feeling like there’s constantly something missing from his life. He’s not sure if this is because he’s actually better or because he just sees his life as relatively empty to begin with.

Rafael focusses on his work. His work is what makes him feel like he isn’t pointless, redundant, or useless. His work makes him feel like he’s doing something. What’s more is that he’s actually _good_ at this work. Incredibly good. He takes on bigger and bigger cases, because what are they going to do, kill him? His conviction rates soar higher than anyone who works sex crimes’ conviction rates have any right to be. He becomes a bit of a legend. He’s definitely feared. He always dressed well but now he elevates it to an art form. His work is his life. If his life is going to be worth something, worth living, everything about his work, everything anyone sees, has to be perfect. 

His social life exists, technically. He maintains his friendship with Rita. She moves to the defense side eventually and he isn’t even surprised. He isn’t disappointed, either. There’s not much she could do that would make him stop being friends with her, given that she’s really his only friend. In fact, it’s fun to have someone to spar with. It’s better to go into court knowing that your opponent has at least part of a moral compass. He and Rita meet for drinks. They talk about the law, sometimes they even talk about things that aren’t the law. It’s good. It’s companionship. When it isn’t either of those things, at least it’s human interaction. 

Olivia shuts him out. It stings, because he thought they were friends. Sure, their main connection was Alex, but he still talked to her individually. He liked her. She was fiery and her principles were unshakeable. She attended his birthday party. He even still has her tomato soup recipe. He thought that made them friends. Apparently not though, because Olivia doesn’t talk to him. He tried reaching out to her a couple times with no luck. They were arguably the two most important people in Alex’s life, and even though Olivia claimed first place by a mile, Rafael still felt that there was something to be gained from sitting down and remembering her, together. Olivia didn’t seem to think so. Olivia shut him down or actually, physically walked away whenever Rafael talked about Alex’s death. Rafael tries not to feel hurt and definitely doesn’t judge her. People grieve in their own ways. From what he knew, Olivia spent most of her life alone, maybe she wanted to mourn that way, too. He knows that she moved out of her apartment with Alex months ago, and that she’s started to date again. He gives up.

Rafael dates too, a little. If what he does can be called dating. Fortunately, he’s feeling better than he used to be, and he has yet to be in another relationship he would describe as unhealthy, let alone abusive. But then again, he’s not sure he’d call them relationships. Most of the men he “dates” are attracted to ADA Rafael Barba, the man, the myth, the legend. He impresses them with his intelligence and extravagant fashion sense, they give him the feeling that he isn’t worthless. But then, invariably, the cracks in the facade start to show, and they lose interest. Or maybe they just don’t like being with someone who feels the need to keep a facade up all the time. It doesn’t really matter to Rafael. Very few things matter, outside of work. 

To the outside world, it would appear that Rafael functions very well. Maybe that’s true. Most of the time, he definitely functions. But when he loses, or even gets what is essentially a draw, he goes down hard. He keeps to himself, he stares out his window and wonders if anyone would really miss him if he were gone. He thinks he’s pathetic, and if he can’t get justice, if he can’t do something good, then what is the point of him? It wasn’t like he wasn’t like this before Alex died, but at least then he had a shoulder to cry on, which could be everything, sometimes. Rita, for all the many, many things that Rafael loves about her, is not a shoulder to cry on. Neither is his mother. His abuelita is, but he doesn’t want to bother her. She raised him to be stronger than this. Alex’s death fills him with something like existential dread. Any relief is temporary. Stay on your toes or everything you have will be taken from you. His default settings are usually varying degrees of numb, occasionally supplemented by righteous anger or by the crippling sadness. He thinks it’s amusing --and definitely that it says something very bad about his life-- that this is arguably the second best mindset he’s ever been in. At least he feels somewhat in control now.

He still goes to Forlini’s. He goes to Forlini’s often enough that it becomes somewhat of a joke. Rafael used to be annoyed by it, but now he doesn’t care. At least now he can turn his phone off and expect the detectives to know where to find him. Rafael tries to avoid thinking about how when he comes to Forlini’s now, it isn’t really to talk to anyone. It’s really just to drink. Rafael drinks a lot now.

Rafael always comes to Forlini’s when he’s having a rough case. He sits by himself and he thinks until either something clicks or it’s closing time. Some of his best memories are here. He always feels just a little bit better. Sometimes it helps to remember how certain he and Alex were of their principles here. He remembers how they used to bounce theories and ideas off of each other. The part of him that still believes his abuelita’s theory about angels thinks that he’s closer to his best friend here. Rita once called this pathetic. He didn’t speak to her for a week. 

Slowly, Rafael comes to be known as the cold, brilliant, ambitious Brooklyn ADA who exists at work or at Forlini’s. Slowly, that’s how Rafael comes to know himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter Alex will return! Get ready for both characters to feel Emotions.
> 
> A brief note on paragraph 7: Even though I've been doing well and haven't felt the way that was described in several months, I know how difficult anxiety and depression are. If you are struggling, please remember that the world is infinitely better with you in it and you are worth so much. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	14. A homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex returns. Rafael offers reassurance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1000 hits! Thanks guys, you're all so awesome.  
> Welcome to the final WitSec-based chapter! After this things pretty much go back to the previous format with no extended plot that involves multiple chapters. Alex won't return to SVU right away, so the next couple chapters will focus on Alex and Rafael friendship fluff and Rafael's work at SVU.

Rafael is handling a particularly bad case. A murky self defense case, to be exact. A woman shot her husband and claimed he was running at her with a knife. Rafael thinks that the woman is telling the truth. The DA doesn’t, because there was a life insurance policy on the husband. The whole thing is entirely messy and brings up many bad memories, so Rafael packs his stuff, tells the DA he needs time to think it over, and heads to Forlini’s.

Rafael greets Franco, orders a drink, and sits down. He sighs, feeling a migraine coming on. He understands the DA’s point, he really does, it looks bad due to the life insurance. But he also knows for a fact that you can’t fake that kind of fear. He doesn’t want to send this woman to prison. He wants to get her help, and a new place to live, and a good friend who will listen.

He doesn’t want to think about this right now. He drinks, instead.

As occasionally happens during these complicated cases, Rafael remembers his conversations with Alex.

He knows Alex used to disagree with the DA. One of the last cases she worked was a self defense case she didn’t want to prosecute. It ended very poorly. Alex always learned from her mistakes, though. Rafael just wishes he could ask Alex what to do. 

And then she enters. 

A tall, blonde woman with blue eyes and glasses. 

_ Alex!  _ Rafael’s mind screams. But he doesn’t listen. This has happened before. Every time Rafael sees someone matching Alex’s description his brain tells him it must be Alex. One time, a couple months after she died, he even called out to “Alex.” The woman’s name was Shauna. She was very confused. Confused, and sympathetic, once Franco had explained the situation. 

Rafael looks again.

It’s Alex.

There is no universe in which the woman who just entered is not Alex.

Which means he’s hallucinating.

He’s not  _ that _ drunk. 

_ Okay,  _ he tells himself.  _ This is it. You’re finally having a complete mental break. It’s not like you haven’t looked up which hospitals have the best mental health facilities. You’ll check yourself in tomorrow morning.  _

Still, Alex looks so real. He hates this. He figures maybe the way through this is more alcohol, not less, so he turns to Franco to order another drink.

Except that Franco is staring at right where Rafael’s hallucination is standing, and his jaw is hanging open. He’s completely, entirely shocked. Which means Rafael isn’t crazy, which means…

“Rafael, your office told me I’d find you here,” the voice is quiet, almost nervous, like she’s not sure how this will go. But it’s Alex. It’s definitely Alex. Which means…

Alex is alive.

Holy shit.

ALEX IS ALIVE.

Fuck dignity, fuck his cold-hearted reputation, fuck emotional self-preservation. 

Rafael gets up from his seat and runs towards Alex. He hugs her tightly. She’s real. She’s not a hallucination. Alex is here, at Forlini’s. She’s hugging him back. 

“You’re alive,” he whispers. How is this possible? He went to her  _ funeral _ . Did he summon her? Is Rafael magic? It doesn’t matter. It honestly doesn’t. He’ll never use his powers again. Why would he? Alex is alive. “You’re alive,” he repeats.

“Do you want to get a drink?” she asks. Rafael nods, grabbing Alex’s wrist and pulling her towards a table. 

Their server informs them that their food and drinks will be taken care of. Alex thanks him. Rafael isn’t hungry, but he knows that if he doesn’t eat then Alex won’t, and Alex looks like she needs to eat. She looks thinner, and older, and tired. It occurs to Rafael that he has absolutely no idea what actually happened to her. 

“I'm so glad you’re here,” he tells her, hoping that his tone conveys how much of an understatement that is. Alex smiles sadly at him. 

“I am, too.”

“Look… not that you have to tell me, but how… what… how?” Rafael asks.

“Well…” Alex starts, and then pauses. 

“You really don’t have to tell me,” Rafael assures her. “I’m just happy you’re alive.” Alex looks relieved.

“I’ll tell you. I promise. Just… not this second. Tell me about you. How is everything? How’s Rita? How’s your grandmother? How have you been handling SVU?”

“Everything’s… there. I honestly don’t know how to describe it. It’s mostly work. And work is good right now. I mean, not today, I was just thinking about how I could really use your advice on a case-”

“Yes,  _ please _ , tell me the case. I haven’t been able to practice law in years and honestly it was terrible. Tell me what fucked up, horrible thing happened that you now need my advice. Please.”

Rafael explains the case to her, watching as she nods and narrows her eyes in focus. For a moment, it’s like the last two years never happened. Everything is like it always was. Alex and Rafael. Sitting at Forlini’s. Talking about their problems.

If the case wasn’t so fucked up Rafael would be smiling.

Alex’s advice is good, and by the time their food arrives Rafael feels better. He has a plan of action. Alex seems pleased too, and Rafael sees relief in her eyes. She can still do this. She’s still good at being a prosecutor. Alex shakes her head quickly and snaps out of it.

“So. Rita. Your grandmother. Updates.”

“Well Rita is a defense attorney now-”

“Called it.”

“Abuelita was sick recently, but she’s okay and back in her apartment. She’s probably going to outlive us all at this rate-” Rafael abruptly stops talking when he sees Alex staring at her napkin. _ She’s probably going to outlive us all at this rate _ , Rafael had said. Stupid Rafael. Stupid.

“I was in Wisconsin,” Alex tells him. At least she doesn’t sound angry. “And then Texas.” It takes Rafael a moment to connect the dots.

“Witness Protection.”

“If they knew I had survived they would just try to kill me again. Or my mom. Or Olivia. Or you.” Rafael blinks. He feels a bizarre sort of pride that he was (is?) important enough to Alex that gang members would try to hurt him to get to her. 

“How are you here?” Rafael asks. 

“The hit was taken out by Cesar Velez. The hit was performed by Liam Connors. One died in prison. One is currently imprisoned in Ireland. The marshals decided there was no longer any threat. Not before my mother died, though.”

“I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

“So am I.”

The silence that passes between them isn’t necessarily uncomfortable, more just sad. 

“So, how’s Olivia?” Alex asks. 

“I… You haven’t spoken to her?”

“The marshals let her know that I’m out of Witness Protection. I know she’s dating someone. I just… I couldn’t. If she wants to reach out to me, she can, obviously. I’ve tried to call her but I just can’t do it. I was going to marry her, Rafi, you know?” Alex asks, and she looks like she’s fighting back tears. Rafael is fighting back tears. Maybe it’s the nickname, maybe it’s the ring box that’s still sitting in his safe. 

“I haven’t talked to her in over a year. She never really wanted to talk to me. I figured I just reminded her of you. Did she… did she know you were alive?”

“Yes. She and Stabler knew.”

Okay, that stings. Olivia he understands, but  _ Stabler? _ Rafael thought he ranked above Stabler in terms of “people it’s important to inform that Alex is alive.” He briefly entertains the question of what he would have done if he had known. If he had known Alex was alive but exiled to someplace because of two people. Two measly people who could definitely be hunted down and ended.  _ Well that answers that question. _

“I wasn’t supposed to tell them but I insisted. They were there when I was shot. I… I didn’t want them to think they had failed to save me.”

Oh. That makes sense. Rafael feels like an asshole. 

“In the interest of full disclosure, I suppose I should tell you that I was in New York for a few days about a year ago.”

“What?” Rafael asks incredulously. No. That can’t be right. Rafael would have felt it. He would have instinctively known Alex was back. But then again, he hadn’t felt it this time. And there she is, right in front of him, looking guilty. 

“For Liam Connors’ trial.” She pauses, considers what to say, and then sighs. “When… when I was there… Olivia and I reconnected. I told her that if I had to move again, that she shouldn’t wait. Because we didn’t know how it was going to end. Velez wasn’t in prison then. Nobody knew where he was. He had been under investigation for years. I thought… I thought it would take years. Maybe decades. And I know how much Olivia wants children and even more than that I hated the idea of her just waiting for something that might never happen… So I told her not to wait.”

“But you regret it.”

“So much, Rafael.” Rafael doesn’t know what to do. He can’t imagine what it must have been like. 

“I’m so sorry, Alex,” he says, putting a hand on her arm and moving it up and down. The silence lasts longer this time. Rafael begins to think they’ll spend the rest of their evening in silence. He’s fine with that. 

“My name was Emily.”

“What?”

“In Wisconsin. Nobody could call me Alex. My name was Emily. Where I worked, in insurance, there was an Alexei,” Alex explains, and Rafael smiles sadly, because he can imagine how that went. “And everyone called him Alex. And every time someone said ‘Hey Alex, how was your weekend?’ I had to actively stop myself from responding. And every time I had to it was like I was reminded of where I was again. About what had happened...” Alex trails off, wiping at her eyes but failing to stop the tears. Rafael stands up and tentatively pulls Alex into a hug. She pretty much falls into his arms and he can feel her shaking.

“I’m so happy you’re back, Alex. I missed you so much,” is all he can think of to say. He can see other patrons watching them. He glares at them from where his head is rested against Alex’s shoulder as she cries. This is his and Alex’s moment, and they can fuck off. 

“I was completely alone, Rafi. Two and a half years and I was completely alone.”

“You’re not alone, anymore, Alex. You have me. You’re not alone when you have me.”

“I don’t… I don’t even know how to go forward...”

“You’ll figure it out. I’ll help you. We’ll figure it out together. It’s going to be okay, alright? It’s going to be okay…”

“I was miserable. I am. I am miserable. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone, I still get panic attacks when cars backfire or doors slam… I don’t know what to do…”

“It’s okay to be struggling right now, okay? But it won’t be that way forever. I’ll be here for you with everything you need. If you need help finding a therapist, that’s what I’ll do, if you need me to prepare my pullout couch until you find somewhere you actually want to live, that’s what I’ll do, if you want me to just talk incessantly about nothing to distract you… well, you know I can do that,” he says with a smile, drawing a watery laugh from Alex.

“I was half-convinced you would hate me,” she tells him.

“Why would I hate you?” Rafael asks immediately, eyes widening in confusion.

“Because I left and I didn’t tell you I was alive and I let you mourn my  _ death _ . And you care about people, especially your friends, and it must have been awful, and I let it happen to you.”

“Alex, you couldn’t tell me. I understand that. And yes, mourning you was awful, but it was awful because I missed you. But you’re back, and I don’t have to miss you anymore.”

“I’m not the same person I was two and a half years ago.”

“I don’t expect you to be. I’m not the same person either, but I like to think we’re still friends.”

“We’re best friends, Rafi.”

“Damn right we are. It will take more than a drug pusher and his lackey to take us down.”

“God, I really hope you’re right…”

“Of course I’m right. I’m always right, Alex, remember?” Rafael jokes with a smirk. 

Alex smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Alex is officially back! Hopefully most of you missed her.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	15. A museum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex re-adjusts to New York. Rafael appreciates art.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter, but after so much angst I wanted to some nice re-bonding friendship fluff before Alex returns to SVU and the chapters become more like post-episodes again. Enjoy Alex and Rafael at an art museum. This is another chapter with a murky setting date, but let's say it's somewhere around mid season 8.

When Alex had returned, she had been worried. She had theorized she wouldn’t fit back in New York. She had been possessed with the idea that New York had changed in some fundamental way, or at least that’s what she told herself she was afraid of. It was easier to accept that than to accept she was really afraid that she had changed.

She needn’t have worried. New York was pretty much the same. She returned to the DA’s office and was assigned to appeals, which allowed her a more stable work schedule. She’s doing fine. 

Trust Rafael to be the only one to realize that “doing fine” was not the same as being happy. 

He shows up at her door every day off they have, and they go out. Anywhere in the city. Sometimes they just walk until they find a restaurant they haven’t tried before. Two and a half years hasn’t managed to change how easily they get along, if anything, it just adds more conversation topics. 

Rafael’s mother just got promoted, she now pretty much runs the entire school. Alex hears about how it’s the perfect job for her. She gets to help children, which she’s great at, and give orders, which apparently she’s even better at. 

Alex also learns that City Councillor Muñoz is now State Senator Muñoz, and that this time he actually bothered to reach out to Rafael and invite him to the inauguration party. Alex raises her eyebrows and before she can ask, Rafael tells her that yes, the invitation did correspond with his winning a particularly high profile case. Rafael had understood the politics, but he was lonely and didn’t really have many friends so he had showed up with a smile, happy to be included. 

Sometimes local reporters show up to try to talk to Alex. Apparently “Hero ADA returns from the dead after victory against a powerful drug cartel” is one hell of a human interest story. They ask her questions and take her picture. She doesn’t answer. She’s keeping a low profile, re-establishing herself in New York. She tries her best to keep Rafael out of it entirely, but one time an article does speculate that they’re dating, producing as evidence a photo of them walking down the street together. They had laughed.

_ “The sheer heteronormativity of this,” Rafael scoffs, brandishing the photo. “We are standing at least two feet apart and are not touching in any way.” _

_ “But because we are a man and a woman, we must be a couple,” Alex adds, sighing. _

_ “You know, Olivia thought we were a couple at first,” Rafael says. _

_ “No way,” Alex laughs.  _

_ “Yes, way. You were very much drunk and I was half-carrying you out of Forlini’s and after Olivia confirmed that I wasn’t trying to abduct you-” _

_ “Oh God, she would do that, wouldn’t she?” _

_ “She did do that. Anyway, she asked if we were a couple. Don’t worry, I set her straight, no pun intended, and she was very pleased.” _

_ “I’m sure she was.” _

Alex is excited for today. She and Rafael managed to secure a full day off. Not just a few hours for walking around and having a meal. Time to go somewhere. Time to spend an entire day with someone who actually knew who she was and didn’t treat her like she was broken or like she had betrayed them in some way by being gone. Good conversation, a good location, and hopefully some good food. Perfect.

Rafael arrives at exactly 9:30 in the morning.

“We’re going to the Met,” Rafael announces with a smile. Alex smiles back. This is exactly what she meant. 

“I don’t get a say in this?”

“Not particularly. But I didn’t think you’d have any objections. They have a number of beautiful exhibits and I doubt you experienced much culture in small town Wisconsin.”

“You’re a snob.”

“So are you. Hence why we are going to the Met.”

“Fair enough.”

As they wander the exhibits, it immediately becomes clear to Alex that Rafael has both an itinerary and a built-in tour guide. He explains paintings to Alex, and how they are reminiscent of whatever era they are a part of. Alex starts a little game where she stands in front of display information and makes Rafael guess the dates of the paintings. If he’s right within ten years, he gets a dollar. He has amassed $20. Alex is exasperated.

“How do you know so much about this stuff?” Alex asks after Rafael guesses correctly  _ again _ .

“I studied art in college,” Rafael says casually, leading Alex to a cluster of paintings a few feet over.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Well,  _ studied _ is a strong word. I took a few classes. It was interesting.”

“I wouldn’t have guessed you were an art kid.”

“I wasn’t an ‘art kid,’ I took maybe four classes.”

“Still though, it seems so… removed from pre-law.”

“I contain multitudes,” Rafael deadpans. Alex laughs. “I don’t know. I worked so hard to get to college, I figured once I was there I should do everything possible. So most of my classes were for the pre-law concentration, but I still had time to do some classes that were different. You know, back home I had so many things I wanted to do but so few resources, but at Harvard I had so many resources and a relatively common goal, and I really wanted to find a way to just have fun.”

“Do you draw?” Alex asks.

“Not often. I don’t have time anymore and I’m out of practice. I still like to go to art museums and such. It at least gives me something I enjoy that isn’t linked to my job.” Alex nods.

“Okay, on that note,” Alex says, moving to stand in front of the description of a painting across the room, “guess the date.”

“Thank you for this new shirt, Alex,” Rafael says as they walk out, holding up his gift bag smugly.

“You bought that yourself,” Alex responds, confused.

“It’s $21, that means you really paid for it, but on the bright side, you now only owe me $9.”

“It’s not fair. You studied art in college. That’s cheating.”

“You were the one who continued to play the game even after I told you about that,” Rafael pointed out. Alex really can’t argue with that. 

“How will I ever escape this crushing debt? I’ll have to retreat to the private sector like Rita,” she sighs dramatically.

“Oh please, you’d wither. Besides, I have a plan for how you can pay me back.”

“Oh?”

“The night is young, what do you say we head to Forlini’s?” 

Alex smiles. Good conversation, good location, and now, good food. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're officially back to being friends! I think we all can agree they deserve it.  
> A note about the general progress of the story: I've usually been really on top of writing at least one chapter to make up for each chapter I post, so I have a large reserve of chapters (I still do), but I've had some pretty bad chest pain issues the past few days and needless to say very little writing was done. The most recent chapter I finished was set in season 17, but the one I'm currently writing is the result of backtracking and adding to season 10 since after reviewing season 18 I think it would be a good idea to write the incident where Rafael loans money to his drug-addicted witness, since no clear timeline was given except that it was several years ago as of season 18. I hope you enjoyed this completely random update, usually whenever I write these kinds of notes it's just to check in that I am still writing it and the Rafael-related plots will be included. This note is also because the last few days I was in a lot of pain and I wanted to write but couldn't, so I want to complain about that.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	16. A job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex considers a job offer. Rafael prosecutes an important case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something obvious that I just forgot to write down: the events of Conviction do not take place in this universe. I've never watched it and have no intention to.  
> This is the last chapter before Alex returns to SVU. Sorry for the big time-jump (I think this is the largest at about 2 and a half seasons) but not a lot goes on for Rafael and Alex during seasons 8 and 9 and no inspiration really struck so I didn't write anything for that timespan.

“I think it’s ready,” Rafael decrees with a heavy sigh, leaning back on the booth and finishing his drink. Alex nods solemnly.

“It’s as good as it’s going to be,” she agrees.

“Well it’s good we finished with plenty of time to spare, what is there, ten hours until opening statements?” Rafael jokes, looking at his watch.

They are sitting in a corner booth at Forlini’s. What had initially been meant as a break from case prep had turned into multiple hours of case prep. The only thing that had prevented them from being kicked out was the mountain of food and drink they had ordered. Preparing for a potentially career-making case was hungry work. Alex rests her head on the back of her seat, her hair in disarray from constantly running her hand through it and her eyes fixed on the ceiling. She had forgotten how draining Special Victims Unit cases could be. Rafael, meanwhile, despite his earlier decision, is still going over the legal pad that held his opening statement.

“The statement’s good, Rafi. It’s actually incredible. You’ll drive yourself crazy if you don’t accept that it’s finished.” Rafael gives her a ‘like you can talk’ glare, which she supposes she deserves.

“The victim’s a prostitute, Alex.”

“You mentioned that.”

“I’m trying to convict not one, but two johns of rape in the first degree. Even incredible isn’t good enough. It has to be perfect.”

“It _is_ perfect, Rafael. It’s emotional, it’s succinct, it’s just the right amount of political. You’re going to win, okay? But right now, you need sleep. Because if you don’t sleep, you won’t be able to remember it and that will derail your presentation more than a slightly awkward turn of phrase.”

“You’re right.”

“You say that like you’re surprised,” Alex jokes. Rafael blinks at her. It occurs to Alex that Rafael is too anxious and exhausted for their usual banter. She gives him a pat on the shoulder. 

The waiter delivers their bill, and Alex pulls out her card. Rafael gets his out too, mumbling about splitting the bill, but Alex waves him off. 

“You can pay for everyone’s victory drinks,” she says with a confident smile.

“That was ugly,” Rafael sighs, grabbing Alex by the arm as he leaves the courtroom. She had intended to be there for most of the trial, in addition to being Rafael’s case it was a precedent-setting case, but work had picked up and the interrogation of the defendants was the only part she had made it to since opening statements. Rafael was right. It had been ugly. But that wasn’t necessarily bad for Rafael’s case. The defendants had said some truly horrible things. Alex doubts anyone on the jury is sympathetic to them. If this had been a normal case, Alex would have told Rafael it was in the bag. But this isn't a normal case. 

“What’s your read on the jury?” Alex asks. 

“I give myself a 60% chance,” Rafael answers. “After the closing statement it will be better. I’m… cautiously optimistic.”

Rafael had gone over his closing statement more times than he could count. The previous night, he had asked Rita to his apartment and practiced until Rita had fled in order to avoid hearing it another time. Rafael had supplied Rita with ample alcohol, and drunk Rita could be ruthless. Rafael had managed to sift some useful tips from the general heckling, though, so it was worth it.

Rafael hears Alex’s phone ring. Alex glances down at it for a moment, mutters something under her breath, and shuts it off. Three minutes later, it rings again.

“Who’s calling?” he asks.

“Job offer,” Alex says simply. “I told them I’m thinking it over yesterday. Apparently their patience is nonexistent.”

“Who is ‘them?’” Rafael asks, intrigued. If Alex had been offered a private sector job, she would have already rejected it. 

“I’ll tell you later,” Alex responds quickly, completely powering her phone off. “Now, do you want to go over the closing statement again?” Rafael nods. The trial. Focus on the trial. Another practice or seven hundred would be a good idea.

“Absolutely. Let’s do that.”

“To Rafael Barba, ace prosecutor, champion of justice!” Alex calls out. The detectives of Brooklyn SVU and Rita raise their glasses with her. Alex laughs and drinks, before turning back to the man in question. “Excellent work, Rafi. Top notch job. You did the world a service today.”

“I did, didn’t I?” Rafael says, smiling widely.

“You did, you’re great, the bestest, everyone should aspire to your level of do-gooderishness,” Alex rambles. Rafael grins at her, amused.

“How much have you had to drink, Alex?” he asks.

“I told you you were buying, so I don’t care.”

“Is this about the job offer?” Rafael guesses.

“No,” Alex responds too quickly. Rafael looks at her, raising an eyebrow. Alex sighs. “Maybe.”

“What’s going on?”

“The DA wants me back at Manhattan SVU. Apparently they’ve been rotating through ADAs for a while and they want someone… stable. Do not make an easy joke,” Alex warns. Rafael rolls his eyes but then fully processes the information.

“Holy shit, Alex. You’re considering it?”

“It’s been three years since I’ve been back, I’m doing a lot better, Olivia isn’t seeing anyone… Maybe it’s time to try again.”

“Maybe you should, if only to try to move on from Olivia,” Rafael advises. He was witness to Alex’s attempts at dating, which somehow managed to be worse than his own. She was still absolutely hung up on Olivia, but until recently she had never entertained the notion of even talking to her. 

“That’s what I was thinking.”

“So?”

“So, if we keep talking about this, I’m going to need more drinks,” Alex grumbles. Rafael chuckles and orders for the both of them.

As Rafael helps Alex into a cab, she looks up at him with a smile.

“Congratulations, Rafi, you pulled off something really important.”

“I know.”

“Rafi?”

“Yes?”

“I think I’m going to take the job.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex is officially returning and Rafael has won the case he's most known for prior to Manhattan SVU. Things have been accomplished. Yay.  
> Things have also been written on the doc! Chest pain is still a thing but I am working through it. I'm about to write Rafael and Alex's first major conflict (Rafael's disregard for the seriousness of the death threats he gets in s17), which is going to be painful enough as it is.  
> Thanks for reading!


	17. A re-entry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex returns to SVU. Rafael asks about the squad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late-in-day update! I had a doctor's appointment and because of medication I was on I fell asleep at 10:30 and woke up at 5:00. I meant to post this around 1:00.   
> Anyway, here's this one. Probably my favorite of the "when in doubt just start roasting Stabler" dialogue I write, because roasting Stabler is way too much fun to write.

“You know, Alex, everyone always tells me I’m incredibly dramatic, but really, arresting the CEO of a major toy company for a high profile reckless endangerment case in your first case back? That’s a little much, even for me,” Rafael says as he hands her a celebratory drink.

“Yes, well, if you had been party to the ‘the old Alex Cabot this’ and ‘the old Alex Cabot that’ speeches I got, you too would feel the need to prove that you’re not just a waste of space,” Alex responds, a tinge of bitterness in her voice.

“People said that to you?”

“Repeatedly.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Am I worse at this than I used to be? Like is there some part of me that was broken that I haven’t managed to fix in  _ three years _ ? Like, what is so different? Was the old me some sort of super lawyer that always had the answers and did everything perfectly and I just don’t remember it?” Alex blurts out. “Sorry. I’m sorry. It’s been a long few weeks.”

“Well, uh, you were never perfect,” Rafael begins and Alex snorts. “You weren’t perfect, but I think after a while at SVU you understood the nuances very well. You yourself told me that it took you a while to understand how SVU worked and that SVU is different. You put real, constant effort into not just being the best prosecutor you could be, but being the best  _ SVU _ prosecutor you could be. I should know, we met as part of that. 

“I think what people were trying to say, albeit insensitively, is that five years out of practice is a long time. You had the unfortunate luck of being thrown a complicated case immediately. I guess they thought guilting you would be the fastest way for you to remember your training, so to speak.”

“Since when are you so wise, Rafi?”

“Since I’m officially the senior SVU prosecutor out of the two of us.”

“Oh my God, that’s true isn’t it?”

“Yep.”

“I despise you.”

“You do not. Anyways, how is everyone at the 16th precinct? Did the place function in your absence?”

“Recently? Barely.”

“That must be gratifying.”

“I guess…” Alex trails off, suddenly fascinated by the wood of the table.

“Alex?”

“Yes?”

“What’s going on?”

“You’re going to think I’m delusional.”

“I will not. What’s going on?” Rafael repeats.

“Olivia,” Alex sighs.

“Oh.”

“I… I don’t know. When she first saw me… she looked, I don’t know, emotional, but in a good way. And during the whole thing she was always right there in my personal space, like she always was when we were together. And, after everything was done, she asked me ‘You are really back, aren’t you?’ and she seemed very happy about that idea. And… and the looks were the same. Rafael, I know we said I was taking this job to move on from Olivia, but what if I did the opposite? I mean if I want to be with her, and she wants to be with me, isn’t the easiest solution to just be together?”

“Alex-”

“If you really think about it, we broke up, but we never really had that ‘break up fight,’ you know? We broke up because of circumstances beyond our control. We never discovered something that made us wrong for each other. And I loved her, Rafael, more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my entire life, and maybe I still love her. Maybe what made ‘the old Alex Cabot’ so great was because she had Olivia. Well, the present Alex Cabot would also like to have Olivia. And I’ve thought about this, and I think she and I should sit down, and talk about why I was gone for so long, because I know that I stayed gone from her even after I was back, and then, maybe, go from there. Before you that I need to be careful, I know-”

“Alex, please let me actually talk before you assume what I’m going to say.”

“Okay.”

“I was going to say that you’re right. It would be different if she had hurt you and ended it, or if you had hurt her and ended it, but you didn’t. And she made you happy, and you made her happy. So, if you’re both single, and you both want to get back together, I’m having difficulty coming up with arguments for why you shouldn’t be together.”

“Really? You think it’s a good idea?”

“If you address the time apart, then I think you should trust your gut. You’ve always had better judgement when it comes to these things than me.”

“Rafael, you really are the world’s greatest friend, you know that?”

“I do know that,” Rafael says with a smirk. “By the way, if you do get back together with Olivia, please let her know that the warning I gave her in her kitchen in 2002 still applies.”

“Do I want to know what that refers to?”

“Well, I could tell you, but it would ruin the mysticism.”

“We can’t have that.”

“Agreed. I am happy for you, by the way. This is a very impressive comeback.”

“It’s good to be back, honestly. In some sick way, I think I missed it.”

“How’s the rest of the squad?”

“Well, John and Fin are pretty much the same. I haven’t been able to get the full gossip update from Olivia, but apparently Stabler and his wife were separated, and, incidentally, they now have a fifth child.”

“A fifth child.”

“Yes.”

“Because the world needs more of Elliot Stabler,” Rafael grumbles.

“That’s mean,” Alex objects half-heartedly.

“Like you didn’t think the exact same thing when you heard.” 

“I plead the fifth.”

“Smart.”

“I think they’re calling the kid ‘Eli,’” Alex adds. 

“Please don’t tell me it’s-”

“-short for Elliot? It is.”

“Dear God. Elliot Stabler, Jr. You know, I’ve never understood the whole ‘give the child the same name as the father’ concept. Like the kid is invariably going to come up with a stupid nickname for themselves so they can differentiate themselves from their father or just so they can avoid being called ‘Junior’ their entire lives. If I ever have children, and that’s a big if, I would want them to be their own person. Not to mention the added pressure the parent has to be someone that the kid is proud to have the same name as. Which, from what you’ve told me about Stabler’s violent streak, is going to be difficult for him.”

“You’ve really thought about this,” Alex realizes as Rafael concludes his rant.

“I’m just saying, if I was Ernesto Barba, Jr. I would have legally changed my name on my 18th birthday.”

“What would you have changed your name to?”

“What?”

“You’ve clearly thought about it. If you had had to change your name, what would you have changed it to?”

“Probably whatever the male equivalent of ‘Lucia’ is. I would have respected my parents’ intention to create a line of names but I would have wanted to honor the parent I actually respected.”

“That’s… actually really sweet. I always thought I’d change mine to Minerva. Like in  _ Harry Potter _ .”

“You thought about changing your name?”

“My dad’s name was Alexander. They named me after him when they found out my mother couldn’t have any more kids and thus no sons would be happening. I went through a whole emo phase in high school where I hated my parents and wanted to be my own person. I mean, I was as emo as I could be for someone who wanted to name themselves after their favorite Hogwarts professor,” Alex chuckles. 

“You’re a junior,” Rafael observes.

“Not technically.”

“You do realize what this means, right?” Rafael asks, raising an eyebrow at her.

“That you’re going to call me ‘junior’ for the next week?”

“Excellent guessing, Junior.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Never let it be said that my foreshadowing was anything less than heavy-handed and obvious.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	18. A witness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is woken up in the middle of the night. Rafael feels guilty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween! It has been a long month so hopefully everyone has the opportunity to have a good time tonight.  
> Trigger warning: mentions of drug addiction

Alex hears pounding on her door. Reaching blindly for her glasses, she checks the time. It’s 1:29am. 

“Al, who is it?” she hears Olivia mumble. 

“I don’t know,” Alex whispers, feeling panic start to set in. She reaches to the side of her bed for the baseball bat she keeps.

“I’ll handle it,” Olivia assures her. “Shit, where’d I leave my gun?”

“The living room, I think? It could be a neighbor or someone who just needs help, I’ll check.” Alex gets out of bed, bat in hand, and slowly approaches the door. She hears Olivia behind her. Between the two of them, they’ll probably be okay, hopefully. When she actually reaches the peephole, she nearly collapses in relief. “It’s Rafael!” she calls to Olivia. 

“Rafael? What the fuck is Rafael doing at your apartment at 1:30 in the morning?”

“I don’t know, but I’m going to ask.”

“Okay, I’ll… I’ll just wait in the bedroom I guess. See you later,” Olivia says awkwardly. Alex rolls her eyes, making a mental note to put some effort into fixing whatever this separation between Olivia and Rafael is, but right now she has bigger problems. Hastily smoothing her pajamas and running a hand through her hair, she opens the door. “Rafi? What are you doing here?” Rafael rushes into her apartment, his eyes wide and scanning the room. His gaze settles on the coat rack, which holds both Alex and Olivia’s coats.

“Is someone else here?”

“Uh… yeah. Liv’s here. I promise I was going to tell you-”

“No, no, no Liv can’t be here right now.”

“Rafael, what’s going on?”

“I should leave. I should just go.”

“You’re not going anywhere. Take some deep breaths, and tell me what’s going on.”

“I can’t. Not when Liv’s here.”

“Did you… do something?”

“I can’t tell you!”

“Okay, Rafi, why don’t you sit down, and I’ll ask Liv if she can leave for the night, okay?” Rafael looks at her for a few more seconds before nodding quickly. Alex heads back to the bedroom to find Liv sitting on the bed in sweatpants and one of Alex’s Harvard Law t-shirts, her head slightly tilted to one side.

“Let me guess, I’m about to get kicked out.”

“You don’t have to leave. I can ask Rafael to come back tomorrow.” Liv shakes her head.

“Look, from what I remember about Rafael, he wouldn’t show up here this late unless it’s really important, and he’s probably not comfortable talking about whatever it is where I could in theory overhear.”

“I don’t want to kick you out in the middle of the night.”

“You’re not kicking me out, I’m leaving of my own accord because I have an early morning tomorrow and need access to my work clothes,” Olivia assures her. She stands up, leaning in to kiss Alex before leaving the room. When Alex hears the front door shut, she returns to the living room.

“So… you and Liv?” Rafael asks, fidgeting with his hands.

“Clearly,” Alex sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. “It’s still new, this time, anyway. This is the second night we’ve... uh… stayed the night at each other’s places since I got back to SVU, I was going to tell you-”

“It’s fine. Not that you’re going to care what I think of you in a few minutes, anyway.”

“Okay… I think we’ve moved past awkward right back to scaring me.” Alex sits next to Rafael on the couch. “You can tell me anything, Rafi. I promise.”

“One of my witnesses from the Patrickson rape-homicide is dead.”

“I thought that trial was finished, you got the conviction.” Alex is absolutely certain that that case is finished. She remembered because Rafael had workshopped his strategy with her for weeks until a sudden period of radio silence, and then Alex read in the paper that John Patrickson had been convicted and the trial was over. She and Rafael had met up for drinks and toasted the end of the most gruesome case they’d had all year. 

“She overdosed. On heroin.” Alex remembers that witness. 

“Mariana Abreu? Rafael, she was an addict. You had to have known this could happen.” She makes eye contact with Rafael and raises her eyebrows slightly, trying to ask him what about this death merited showing up at her apartment and asking her to kick out her girlfriend. Rafael hadn’t connected to Ms. Abreu at all, he had barely spoken to her beyond the trial. 

“I gave her money.” Alex freezes. Rafael had given money to a woman he knew was an addict. Surely he couldn’t have been moved by any speech about what it was for, he knew better.

“Rafael… why?”

“I… I couldn’t get a continuance. I tried. I tried so hard. She was strung out, Alex. She was shaking, she could barely talk. And you know what Patrickson did, you saw those photos. And Mariana was the only one who could make it stick…”

“And she asked you for money,” Alex finishes.

“She said it was for food for her daughter, Ashtonja, but I knew that it wasn’t. I knew that it wasn’t, that it was for drugs, but in that moment I was able to convince myself she was telling the truth, and I gave her the money. And now she’s dead.”

“Rafael…”

“She had a daughter, Alex. A young daughter, who now has no mother. Because of me.”

“It’s not because of you.”

“But how can you say that?” Rafael insists. “I gave her the money that she used to buy the heroin that killed her. If it hadn’t been for me, she wouldn’t have gotten the heroin, and she would still be alive.”

“See, that’s where your logic falls apart,” Alex tells him, squeezing his hand. “She was always going to get that heroin, Rafael. Whether you gave her the money or not. She would have sold something or stolen something or taken out a loan from somewhere or someone else, but she would have gotten that heroin. Did you make it easier for her, yes. Maybe if you hadn’t done what you did she would have been alive for a few more hours, maybe a day or two. But in every timeline she was going to buy that heroin, and so she was going to die. We’ve both worked with enough people with addictions to know that money is rarely a deterrent. The only variable is whether or not she was able to testify, and she was, and you put an evil man in prison.”

“You really think that?”

“Yes, Rafi, I do. You didn’t murder anyone. Was it an exceedingly stupid thing to do? Probably. Was it the only thing you could have done to save your case? Definitely.”

“But none of that matters to her daughter!” Rafael objects. “None of it. The daughter doesn’t care that Patrickson is in prison, all Ashtonja knows is that her mother is dead. No matter how you spin this, there’s a little girl who lost her mother.”

“That’s true,” Alex sighs. “No matter what I say, Mariana is dead. But you didn’t put that needle in her hand. She told you she was going to buy food. Whether you believed that or not, the money you gave her could have just as easily went to food. Addict or not, she made her choice. She didn’t deserve to die, but she did, and you didn’t kill her. And for what it’s worth, you know Patrickson would have done it again. By putting him in jail, you probably saved multiple women’s lives.”

“Right, just like Roy Barnett. He was going to offend again, right? So the ends justify the means?” Rafael snaps. Alex freezes.

“I didn’t kill Sam Cavanaugh,” Alex says slowly, her eyes flashing. “And if you think I did, may I ask why you’re still friends with me?” 

“I… I didn’t mean it like that,” Rafael amends, covering his face with his hands. “I’m sorry. I just meant… you felt so guilty, at the time. And now you’re telling me not to be guilty.”

“I’m not telling you not to feel guilty, Rafael, I’m telling you not to hate yourself because you think you’re a murderer. It’s entirely possible that you made a mistake. It’s good you feel guilty, it means that you’re an empathetic person. But feeling guilty doesn’t mean that whatever you’re currently thinking about yourself is true.”

“I’m never going to forgive myself.”

“I think you will. I thought that too, after the Cavanaugh case. It took a while, and some soul searching, but I made my peace with what happened. You’re going to be fine.” Rafael runs a hand over his face and then takes a deep breath. He pauses.

“Alex… you’re not going to tell anyone, right?”

“Of course not. Snitches get stitches.”

“If you felt that I had killed someone, I would want you to report it. But if you don’t, it’s not that I think you should cover for me, but I love this job, and I can’t lose it…”

“Your secret’s safe with me. I won’t tell anyone.”

“Not even Olivia?” Rafael asks, a hint of a teasing smile on his face. Alex rolls her eyes.

“Not even Olivia. Somehow I don’t think ‘Rafael made a morally complicated judgement call’ will slip out during pillow talk,” Alex assures him with a smile. Rafael grimaces.

“I’m sorry for interrupting date night.”

“You didn’t. You just interrupted the first good night sleep I’ve had since I started back at SVU. Date night was way over.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m glad you came here. I assume the other option was drinking excessively.”

“You assume correctly.”

“I don’t want that to happen. Why don’t you stay here for the night?”

“Alex, I’m feeling much better, I don’t want to impose-”

“I was already expecting company in the morning. There’s materials for pancakes in the cupboards ready to go.”

“You had me at pancakes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the really heavy chapter. I initially planned to only address this in the "Know It All" post-episode but then I figured Rafael would have told Alex at the time so here this is. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	19. A roadblock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is frustrated about her job. Rafael considers the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings, and welcome to the last chapter B.E.D. (before election day). Also the last chapter of season 10. This one is pretty much about 1100 words of foreshadowing. Next time (which is after election day??? If that's even possible???) there will be more fluff and even some conflict resolution between Rafael and Olivia. Fun times.

“I heard about the judge,” Rafael says. “Do you have to try it?”

“Thankfully, no,” Alex answers. “It’s Homicide’s problem now. I sent their ADA a very nice bottle of wine with my apologies.”

“How sweet of you.”

“Not really, given that if I was them I’d probably have finished it within two hours of first going over that case. We’ve all tried cases in Koehler’s court. It’s going to be a nightmare.”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t see a conviction, do you?”

“He did it. He made a plan, he went out, he killed a man. No matter what that man did-”

“-what that man did was kidnap his son,” Alex interjects. “The supposed  _ victim _ kidnapped and horrifically abused Judge Koehler’s son. Essentially turned him into a monster. Would you have done anything different in Koehler’s shoes?”

“I don’t know. But I do know that there are many parents who lose their children who don’t feel the need to go out and commit cold-blooded murder.”

“Fine. You’re right. It’s just… Why do I always feel like the system is trying to get me to prosecute the wrong person? I want to try the man who kidnapped Marshall, not Judge Koehler. I want to prosecute the vigilante, not the boy she groomed from the age of six. I want to prosecute the war criminal, not the refugee. Don’t even get me started on the poor girl who sent the nude pictures of herself. I swear to God, I thought Olivia was going to punch a hole into my apartment wall during that case and I wasn’t even going to be mad.” Alex rests her head in her hands with an exaggerated sigh and Rafael watches for a few moments.

“Alex, have you considered doing anything that isn’t prosecution?” Rafael asks.

“What?” 

“I mean, our jobs are pretty much our lives, but surely you don’t see yourself staying an ADA forever? A lot of the problems you’ve described are problems in the law itself, with the system itself. Maybe you should consider legislative work.”

“Like, Congress?” Alex asks, confused.

“I don’t know, maybe! God knows if anyone should be in Congress, it’s you. I’m just saying that in my case, I’ve always been pretty happy working within the law itself, you know, finding obscure precedents and making change through my cases. I wouldn’t want to leave the strictly law sphere. But you, the law seems to frustrate you. And there’s only one thing to do in that case, and that’s to change it.”

“Rafael, I’m not even qualified-”

“First of all, yes you are. Second of all, I’m not saying do it  _ now _ ,” Rafael clarifies. “I’m just saying, think about it. Make career decisions accordingly if you decide it’s something you want. You once told me you wanted to be governor, don’t you still want that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, it’s something to consider.”

“It’s actually funny that you bring this up now. I have training coming up.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I’ll be out of town for a little while. I’m going to D.C. Apparently they give you some sort of training just in case you want to move up and become an AUSA.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow.”

“I know. I mean, it’s not imminent or anything. Just another option to have. It’s funny that you bring up more high profile jobs right now.”

“D.C.”

“Yeah. Not for a long time though. Maybe two months. I already got the leave from McCoy.”

“Is Olivia coming with you?” Rafael asks with a small smile.

“Not for the entire time, obviously. I’m pretty sure the place would collapse without her. But, she is cashing in some of her vacation time to spend a few days in D.C. We’re going to see the museums, the monuments, the White House-”

“The Capitol building of course. You have to check out your future workplace,” Rafael interrupts.

“What is with you? You claim this is just a ‘thing to consider’ but it sounds like you’re my campaign manager already.”

“I like the idea of someone I trust helping to make the law, sue me.”

“Eh, I’m pretty sure that’s not it. I’m pretty sure you just like the idea of having two friends named Alex who work in politics.”

“You got me,” Rafael deadpans and Alex laughs.

“So what would you want to do?” Alex asks.

“What?”

“We’re talking about dream jobs, what would yours be?”

“I like the idea of being a judge,” Rafael says honestly. Alex smiles to herself. “What?” Rafael demands.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that so many easy jokes about you already being judgey about everything just crossed my mind.”

“Very funny, are you done?” Rafael asks. Alex nods. “Okay, so as I was saying, I like the idea of being a judge. I used to think it would be difficult to be impartial, but now I don’t think so. I think the reason that there’s so much animosity between the prosecution and defense in SVU is because of the kind of crimes we prosecute and the kind of defenses the defense attorneys put forth. It’s not always like that. Some defense attorneys can be valiant. Some prosecutors can be corrupt. A judge doesn’t have to have 100% loyalty to a side. The primary goal is to make sure that the system functions and justice, whatever that looks like, is done. Not to mention in higher ranking positions you can take down unjust laws, and that sounds incredible. That would be my dream, honestly. Judicial review over laws. Striking down threats to civil rights.”

“Also your grandmother would be inexplicably even more proud of you than she already is.”

“That is true. I’d be presiding over a case and there would randomly be a bunch of old women in the back just watching because Abuelita sent them to ‘see how well Rafi is doing’ or something,” Rafael says with a wide smile. 

“I’m surprised she doesn’t already do that.”

“Oh, she tries. My assistant has learned to recognize my abuelita’s friends’ faces and to politely send them home with DA’s office pens. Apparently this works. I don’t think many of them were too invested in seeing Catalina’s grandson yell at another guy in a suit anyway.”

“Yeah, you’re not that interesting,” Alex says with a smirk. Rafael rolls his eyes. 

“Says the woman who yesterday bragged to me about the great deal she got at the farmer’s market.”

“Hey! It was a good deal! Do you know how many pies Olivia could make with those apples?”

“I’m sure it was a fine deal, I’m also sure that you sounded like a 50-year-old soccer mom.”

“So what you’re saying is you don’t want pie.”

“I take it back. Withdrawn. Farmer’s markets are the best and interesting people go to them.”

“Apology accepted. I’ll call you once the pies are made. We should all have dinner some time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the more low-key chapter. Also, yes, Alex will eventually run for Congress in this story (probably around season 18 is when that will start to be discussed). Since I'm discarding the whole Alex-does-vigilantism-full-time thing, I pretty much have free reign to do what I want in terms of her career, and I like the idea of her in Congress. She seems like the politics type.
> 
> A note for my fellow Americans: please vote. You know what? This isn't a generic voting message. Vote for Biden/Harris. If you're voting for Trump, please feel free to leave this story and not come back. If you're not voting or voting third party... that's a really bad call. Please vote, and vote for the ticket that can actually get elected and won't take away people's civil rights and/or push this country into fascism. If that pitch doesn't work, please vote for the administration that will allow us to get out of quarantine at some point without thousands more people dying. Please.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	20. A resolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex hosts dinner. Rafael sorts out his issues with Olivia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my wonderful readers and welcome to the start of season 11!   
> Does anyone have a guess as to how I'm doing given the election chaos? If you guessed not at all well you get 10 points. Past Irene also gets 10 points for procrastinating on other things so effectively that there are enough chapters in the bank that Current Irene doesn't have to feel guilty about not being able to focus on anything, including writing more chapters, for more than 10 minutes at a time.

It’s awkward. Rafael feels like this is awkward. Maybe it’s just him, but judging by the way Olivia keeps avoiding eye contact, it’s not just him. Alex also definitely notices, given how she’s had to do 80% of the talking thus far. This isn’t how dinner was supposed to go. This is a victory dinner. It’s not every day your best friend and her girlfriend put away a pedophile for literally thousands of years. It’s supposed to be joyous. Instead it’s awkward.

A selfish part of Rafael wishes that he and Alex had just gone to Forlini’s, because it’s specifically the combination of Rafael and Olivia that’s making this awkward. Rafael and Alex would already be halfway through their “describe a perp using increasingly creative insults” game if Olivia weren’t here, and Alex and her (newly re-disclosed, to absolutely no one’s shock) girlfriend would likely be having an even better time celebrating the much needed win. Instead, they are sitting at Alex’s dinner table, waiting for the chicken to finish cooking. When it dings, Alex excuses herself to finish plating everything. Rafael and Olivia look at each other, not speaking. Finally, Olivia breaks the silence with a sigh. 

“I’m sorry,” Olivia says to Rafael. “This is the first time we’ve spoken in over four years, and that’s my fault.” She looks at Rafael like she’s expecting him to say something. He has no plans to say anything. “I couldn’t talk to you about it, Rafael. I knew if I talked to you about it, I would tell you Alex was still alive. And I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t even tell my captain.” Rafael knows that’s true, but it still stings. He inwardly curses himself for deliberately not trying to make the dinner less awkward. He could have just put on his ‘ADA extraordinaire Rafael Barba’ mask and gone through this entire dinner feeling numb, and that would have been fine. He could have just smiled and pretended everything was normal. He feels pain now, and numb is better than pain.

“We didn’t have to talk about it. We could have just… talked about other things. We were friends,” Rafael counters, trying to keep the hurt out of his voice. “We were friends and you just stopped talking to me. And I understand why you did it, but it hurt. I needed someone who could understand what was going through my mind. I needed to talk to someone who cared about Alex at least as much as I did. I’m… I’m not mad at you. I know, logically, you did what was right, what was necessary to protect Alex. And even if that wasn’t the case, I know that I’m not entitled to anything. It’s all just… less than ideal, emotion-wise.”

“Rafael, I wanted to tell you, I did. I used to check up on you, you know. I would stop by your office and attempt to use my interrogation skills to get your assistant to tell me if you were doing okay. According to everything I could find, you seemed fine.”

“Your detective skills needed work.”

“I suppose I deserve that.”

“No, you don’t, I’m sorry. I just came here expecting to joke around and rejoice about a victory for the forces of justice and instead… this.”

“Well, look, here’s where I think we are: it was a bad situation, and while I did the best that I could, I might have overcorrected my instincts to reach out, and that hurt you. And I acknowledge that and I’m incredibly sorry, and I think you understand why I did what I did, and want to move on from the rest.”

“I agree.”

“So… truce?”

“Of course.” There’s a pause where they smile at each other, genuinely, for the first time that evening.

“Okay, babe, you can stop lurking!” Olivia calls to the kitchen door. 

“Was I really being obvious?” Alex asks, walking out with the chicken and sides.

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to,” Rafael remarks, and Olivia laughs while Alex playfully glares.

“I have a confession to make,” Olivia announces, holding up a hand. Rafael raises an eyebrow and Alex tilts her head. “Al, I might have made your job a little harder.”

“Explain.”

“So, Nina Santiago might still go to trial,” Olivia begins. 

“Not if I can help it,” Alex promises.

“Right. But we both know that McCoy doesn’t always listen to you. So, I may or may not have given Rita Calhoun a call. She’s taking the case, pro bono.”

“Of course she is,” Rafael says, smiling. He’s surprised he hasn’t already gotten a call from Rita about all the preparations she’s already made. These kinds of cases are Rita’s specialty. 

“I’m sorry, Alex, I know I should have talked to you,” Olivia says. Alex is not perturbed. 

“Liv, who do you think left Rita’s phone number on your desk?” Alex laughs. Olivia blinks. 

“You could have just called her yourself,” Olivia says.

“I can sell ‘Detective Benson went behind my back’ because we’ve had multiple fights about that before-” Alex starts.

“We’ve also had multiple rounds of making up,” Olivia interrupts, smiling devilishly. Rafael loudly clears his throat.

“I do not need to hear about that,” he says tersely. 

“Sorry, Rafi. Anyway, as I was saying, I can sell that you just didn’t talk to me, Liv, but I can’t sell ‘I accidentally tripped over a carpet and fell on my phone and called a defense attorney and got them to commit to a pro bono case’ so I left Rita’s number on your desk and let your moral compass do the rest.”

“You played me,” Olivia realizes.

“Like a violin,” Alex gloats. 

“You’re lucky you did it for such moral reasons or I’d make you sleep on the couch tonight.”

“Have you guys ever considered, I don’t know, talking about your plans? Coming up with a scheme  _ together _ ?” Rafael asks.

“That is true. Think about how powerful we would be if we subverted our bosses with the same unity that we work for our bosses,” Alex says. “Maybe we could trick them into giving us time for an actual vacation.”

“Wait, but if you two left, wouldn’t that just leave Elliot, Fin, and John as the detectives at SVU?” Rafael asks. “I mean, I’m pretty sure you’re at least 80% of that place’s emotional intelligence.”

“He’s right,” Alex says, looking at Olivia.

“Killjoy,” Olivia grumbles, glaring.

“Yes, you’ll have to just follow the law and do your jobs, how terrible,” Rafael snarks.

“Ugh. Agreed,” Alex sighs. 

“Thanks for coming,” Alex says warmly as she walks with Rafael to the door.

“Thanks for having me. It was… nice.”

“Not that you have to tell me, but are you and Olivia good again?”

“Now I think so.”

“That’s good.”

“You know, if I ever get a serious boyfriend, you’re going to have to have some weird, hard-to-define friendship with him.”

“I look forward to it. Besides, Olivia does care about you, genuinely, as a person.”

“Olivia cares about everyone, genuinely, as a person,” Rafael says with a smile.

“You’re not wrong. It’s one of the things I love about her.” 

“She’s a good person. You seem happy.”

“I am happy. I make enough money, I have a great partner, and I vanquish the enemies of justice. What more could one ask for in life?”

“True enough. Good night.”

“Good night. Get home safely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Something is fixed. A thing was a problem and now it is resolved. The 2020 election certainly wouldn't know anything about that.
> 
> If my comments sound increasingly erratic it is because a) my faith in humanity is fraying at the seams and b) I got six hours of sleep in the last 48 hours. 
> 
> I have a theory that a certain amount of tiredness actually improves my angst writing, and given that I'm about to write the chapter where Sonny almost gets shot, I think today might be a good time to test that theory. You know, in the event that I can stop looking at Michigan, Pennsylvania, Nevada, Arizona, and North Carolina for more than two minutes. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> Hopefully I can get some sleep before next year.


	21. A fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex has a conflict with Olivia. Rafael helps her through it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome to part 2 of Chapters I'm Posting In Between Obsessively Checking The Polls! Hopefully this will be the last chapter of that category and then we can move on to Chapters I Post with Biden as the 46th President. Please let that happen. Please.

Rafael raises his eyebrows in concern when he sees Alex enter Forlini’s. She looks angry and tense, even more so than she was when she first informed Rafael of the investigation.

“Are you sure you want to be seen with me?” Alex asks tersely, sitting down and inspecting the menu with a glare. 

“Yes, of course. We both know you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Not that that matters,” Alex mutters, setting down the menu. “Whatever, I was going to see if I could order a stronger drink but I’ll just go with my usual. I don’t care.”

“Alex, what’s going on? I thought we agreed that the investigation wasn’t going to find anything so it wasn’t worth worrying about.”

“I should have fucking known,” Alex says to the table.

“Should have known what?”

“Of all the times not to come through for me, of all the times, today. Now. Now is when she makes her loyalties clear.”

“Alex, you’re scaring me. What happened? Are you okay?”

“I can only make a case with what I’m given. And if I’m not given the fucking photo then I can’t prepare for the blowback of said photo. And if they don’t give what I need to prepare, I just can’t make the fucking case, and that’s not my fault. I tried, I care, I’m not a bad person. I just can’t make the fucking case!” Alex hisses, bringing her fist down on the table.

“Alex, seriously. Tell me what happened. I’m your friend. I can help you.”

“Olivia requested a new ADA,” Alex almost whispers.

“She what?” Rafael asks, sure he must have misheard.

“Olivia. Requested. A. New. Prosecutor,” Alex says slowly. Rafael is almost tempted to ask her to repeat it again. That doesn’t sound like Olivia. Olivia wouldn’t do that to Alex.

“But… why?”

“Professional ethics,” Alex laughs unhappily, “apparently I dropped the case to save my own ass from the investigation, because the Bar Association people think that I deliberately withheld the photo and a recant statement, even though I didn’t, and Olivia just didn’t do  _ her  _ goddamn job and get me all the information. But no, she’s Saint Olivia, she looks over the survivors and gets justice and the rest of us are just in her way, so yeah, she requested a new ADA on the basis of professional ethics.”

“I’m so sorry, Alex.”

“Yeah, I am too. The theoretical recant statement marks the second thing she hasn’t delivered on for this case, which happens, I know. And normally it would be fine, if irritating, because shit happens in our jobs. But if she is going to judge ME for the calls I make due to HER actions, then we have a problem. Because I’m the one who has to actually deal with all this crap. She can run all over the city playing Righteous Rogue Cop with Stabler while I get yelled at by some assholes from the Bar Association over something I didn’t even  _ do _ .”

“What’s going on with Stabler?”

“Nothing’s going on with Stabler. Stabler doesn’t matter. He grabbed his son and pushed him into a wall at top speed, but that’s another story. What I’m talking about is that she filed a bullshit claim about my professional ethics in the middle of this goddamn investigation. If they use that… that could me disbarred, Rafael.  _ Disbarred _ . Olivia,  _ my partner _ , could get me  _ disbarred _ over the kind of fight I thought we resolved seven years ago.”

“Does she understand that?”

“Maybe. It’s unclear. She would if she asked me. She would if she had spoken to me at all before filing her complaint. But no, she did the same self-righteous, impulsive thing she always does and just sent in the complaint. Consequences be damned I guess. She probably doesn’t plan to be around for the post-disbarment weeping.”

“Woah, slow down. You’re not getting disbarred, okay. You talk to Cragen, and get him to tell the investigators that his squad didn’t have the statement or the photo and that it’s on  _ him _ . As for the complaint, if she’s actually serious about it, which I doubt she is, then she’ll have to explain the exact circumstances and what you just explained will come out. I think the main concern right now is what this means for your relationship with Olivia in the long term.”

“I don’t know what it means. I don't know if we're supposed to be broken up and the actual talk is a formality or if Liv thinks this is a work conflict. I don't know who's supposed to make the first move towards peace and what that's supposed to look like. I have no earthly idea what I'm doing. And what sucks is that none of it, none of any of it, changes the fact that I love her. I love her, and I don't want this to be the end, but I just don't know anything right now. How do we come back from this? What do we do?”

“Talk?” Rafael guesses. He honestly doesn’t know. He’s never been in this position. ‘Talk’ seems like the right answer.

“Yeah, well that would require Olivia being alone in a room with me for more than a minute, which she hasn’t done since the investigation started.”

“She hasn’t wanted to talk since the investigation started?”

“Yeah. It’s not like I needed support or anything. It’s not that I needed my girlfriend to assure me everything was going to be okay or anything. It was fine. It was perfect.”

“Olivia doesn’t like it when she can’t fix things.”

“And I’m such a bad person that she can’t fix me and she has to just leave?” Alex asks, raising her voice slightly.

“No, Alex. The investigation. She can’t fix the investigation, so she avoids it, and you. I imagine she started getting on your case more and more about the trial because she can’t fix whatever’s going on with Elliot. Olivia likes to help. When she feels like she can’t help she freaks out.”

“That’s not an excuse. She could’ve helped. I needed her.”

“I know that, but I bet she didn’t see it that way. From what you’ve told me, Olivia Benson doesn’t do a lot of sitting still, not when there’s monsters to catch and yell at and whatever else she does. Sometimes she hurts people when she starts doing her avoidance thing. She hurt you. Twice. First when she wasn’t there for you and again when her compulsion to fix everything made her report you. That’s what you talk about.”

“How do you know all this, Rafael?”

“I may or may not have profiled Olivia’s avoidance thing years ago. I’m surprised it took this long to become an issue,” Rafael admits, recalling the night he spent glowering into his drink and wondering why it was so goddamn difficult for Olivia to just talk with him about Alex. 

“Of course you did. You're smart like that.” Alex’s phone buzzes. She looks down at it and sighs. “Rafa, I hate to cut our night short, but Olivia just texted. She wants to talk. She withdrew her complaint.”

“Godspeed,” Rafael says, raising his glass to her. She picks up her purse and walks off with a small smile. 

Alex calls Rafael at 3:00 in the morning. It’s a weeknight. He’s probably not sleeping. And this is important. Olivia is asleep on Alex’s couch, and she isn’t leaving. The talk had been ugly, and long, and there had been crying. But it was done for the night. And they were okay. 

“We didn’t break up,” Alex says as soon as Rafael answers.

“Unh?” Rafael grunts, clearly having just woken up.

“Rafael, we didn’t break up. Olivia and I are still together.”

“Mmph.”

“Yeah, it’s really late. I shouldn’t have called you. I just wanted to thank you for your help.”

“I... helped?”

“You did.”

“...Good,” Rafael says with a yawn.

“I should let you get to sleep.”

“No… no… I’m awake. I’m awake! Tell me… Tell me what happened.”

“Next time we go to Forlini’s, okay? Go back to sleep.”

“Good night, Alex.”

“Good  _ morning _ , Rafael.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that wasn't fun. It did have to happen, though. Next chapter starts off not fun (Olivia gets arrested for murder) but then it becomes more fun. Is the repetition of "fun" a deliberate writing choice for this note or just my very sleep-deprived brain forgetting all of my vocabulary? You will never know.
> 
> Okay, update finished, time to go back to checking the polls.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	22. An accusation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex handles Olivia being accused of murder. Rafael learns more about his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good afternoon, everyone! Isn't today just wonderful? Today is the first full day after the election was called for Joe Biden and I am finally not sleep deprived. My old chapter notes will serve as a monument I can look back on years later to how absolutely batshit insane this week has been.
> 
> Anyway, we continue on! This chapter is definitely more segmented, there are kind of two mini-chapters, but I think it works, especially since the last chapter was entirely angst.

“ _ Langan _ ? Seriously? What, did you forget my phone number?” Rita demands as Alex paces around the room. 

“Rita, you know that I like you, I do, but could you maybe stop with the ego trip for two goddamn seconds and help me figure what to do!” Alex half-yells. 

“Okay, Alex, why don’t you explain to us what’s going on, and then we can determine where to go from there,” Rafael says calmly. Alex momentarily stops pacing and nods.

“So. Olivia and I had been planning on moving in together again, but that was put on hold when we had this fight, so we don’t live together. We fucking should, because this all could have been prevented if we did…” Alex trails off. Rafael gives her a look. She shakes her head quickly and continues. “Anyway. I was at home, because Olivia and I agreed I wouldn’t come over to her apartment so that I wouldn’t also get sick. Later that night I went with you to Forlini’s, and we got back late. I texted Olivia good night, but she didn’t respond, because she was asleep. The next thing I fucking know, she’s been arrested for the murder of some biker man she apparently came into conflict with before I was back at SVU.” 

“And you’re  _ sure _ she didn’t do it?” Rita asks.

“Rita!” both Rafael and Alex exclaim simultaneously.

“I had to ask. I mean, I’m down for a cover up but I need to be in the loop.”

“She didn’t do it! She was completely incapacitated. I dropped by at lunch to give her some soup and she could barely talk. But now they say they have DNA-”

“They have DNA?” Rafael interrupts, his voice quiet and serious.

“It’s not hers, she didn’t do it.”

“Alex,” Rita begins.

“It’s not hers!” Alex insists.

“Look, Alex, you can’t technically know she never left her apartment,” Rafael tells her softly.

“Well you can’t be sure I didn’t leave my apartment that night, and I didn’t  _ kill _ anyone, and neither did Olivia.” 

“Okay. I believe you. It’s just… there’s not a lot we can do right now.”

“So what, I just trust Langan?”

“As much as it pains me to say this, and it pains me so much, you could do a lot worse,” Rita sighs. 

“Alex, remember how when you talked to me about how you wished Olivia had been there for you during the investigation? This is like that, but worse for Olivia. So now’s your chance to support her. Be by her side through this process. Show up to court. Make her soup in person, now that she’s out on bail.”

“Rafael’s right,” Rita agrees. “And you know how rare that is.” The joke makes Alex almost smile.

“You’re right. Of course you’re right. I’m gonna go. Thank you guys though. You’re the best.”

“You said it on the record, Cabot, no take-backsies,” Rita taunts. Alex just glares at her before hastily making her leave.

“So, are these victory drinks?” Rafael asks as he joins Olivia and Alex at their table.

“These are ‘it was a complete and total disaster but now we don’t have to be in court anymore so we can get completely wasted without earning court-ordered rehab’ drinks,” Alex corrects.

“Ah, my favorite kind.”

“You’re three drinks behind, Rafael. Less talking, more drinking,” Olivia orders, handing him a glass of scotch she had already ordered.

“I like the way you think, Benson.”

“So, Rafael, care to comment on the allegation that you’ve been playing puppet master with Alex and I’s relationship?” Olivia asks. Rafael blinks, his face losing some color.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I didn’t-” Rafael sputters and Olivia starts laughing.

“Oh my God, your face. You’re fine, Rafa. Thanks, actually. I thought for sure Alex would end things after what happened, God knows she had cause to. Not my finest moment, that fight-”

“What fight? I know of no fight,” Alex says warmly, squeezing Olivia’s hand. Rafael smiles. He helped. His friends are happy because of something he did. 

“You know one of these days, this is going to be a great story,” Alex observes. “It has every great trope. The heroic innocent accused of a horrible crime, the scheming man eager to exploit appearances for his own agenda, teaming up with the enemy…”

“The gay best friend…” Rafael adds.

“Yeah, but that trope isn’t problematic when all three protagonists are LGBT,” Alex objects. “You’re just, like, the normal best friend, helping out other friends.” Rafael shrugs. 

“Let’s not forget the loyal, kind, and insanely beautiful love interest,” Olivia says with a smile, looking dreamily at Alex.

“Yeah, you should have seen how kind and beautiful I was when Tucker came by to ‘brief me,’” Alex mutters. Rafael shudders comically and Olivia just sighs. “Honestly, I understand where Tucker’s whole line of PTSD questioning came from, but it makes me angry when people use mental illness as a 100% predictor of violence.”

“Agreed, I mean between the three of us we’re depressed, anxious, and traumatized, and yet inexplicably we’ve managed to not commit violent crime,” Rafael mutters darkly. “I’ve been on the receiving end of several defenses of ‘my client was depressed so he didn’t have a choice,’ not to mention the ‘I am depressed and that’s why I hurt you’ speech from exes. They’re banking on this perception that once you get a diagnosis you have no free will. I mean, I’m depressed, I’ve been much more depressed than I am now, and the only person I’ve ever wanted to hurt is myself.” Rafael says the last part quietly and Alex squeezes his shoulder.

“I almost did hurt someone,” Olivia admits. “I had a flashback in the middle of a confrontation with a suspect.” Alex is nodding, she’s heard this story before. “I was so convinced he was going to attack me. I almost shot him. But I didn’t. And I took time off, and I put some effort into recovery. When Tucker was interrogating me, I was insulted. Because I got better. I am better. And he didn’t even mention anything I had specifically done. Just the fact that I had seen a psychiatrist and he was this close to shoving me in a cell. And they wonder why no cops ever seek mental health treatment.”

“Everything is garbage,” Rafael summarizes. Alex and Olivia nod. They drink in silence, not saying anything, because nothing needs to be said. It was a disaster. But it’s over now. Eventually, Alex puts down her drink, smiling.

“You know what we should do to lighten the mood?” 

“Enlighten us,” Rafael says, intrigued.

“Never have I ever. It would be fun.”

“It does sound fun,” Olivia admits. “Light-hearted, even. Not to mention that I know like zero things about you, Rafael.”

“It also sounds like a very efficient way of getting us drunk,” Rafael agrees, motioning a waiter and ordering them all more drinks. “Okay, who starts?”

“I’ll start,” Alex volunteers. “Never have I ever… been in a serious relationship with a man.”

“Fuck you,” Olivia says and Rafael nods in agreement as they both drink. “Okay… never have I ever graduated from Harvard law school.” Rafael rolls his eyes as he and Alex drink.

“Okay, so that’s how you want to play it. Never have I ever been thrown in jail.”

“Too soon, Rafa, too soon,” Alex mumbles good-naturedly as she and Olivia drink. “Alright, let’s make this more interesting. Never have I ever done drunk karaoke.”

“Never?” Rafael asks. “We’ll have to fix that at some point.” He drinks and Alex raises her eyebrows at Olivia, who sighs and picks up her own glass.

“My turn. Never have I ever had an exam-related meltdown.”

“I thought that was a rite of passage to adulthood,” Alex complains. 

“Define ‘meltdown,’” Rafael says to Olivia. 

“Drink,” Olivia orders, giving him an ‘are you kidding me?’ look. Rafael sighs and takes his drink. 

“Never have I ever purposefully ditched class,” Rafael supplies.

“Goody fucking two-shoes,” Olivia complains, drinking. Alex doesn’t drink. “Seriously?”

“I had other rebellions.”

“Sure.”

“I did! When I was a junior in high school my parents wanted to force me to wear this ugly old dress that was ‘very ladylike’ in my mother’s words, but I didn’t even want to go to prom that year, so when I first tried it on I ‘accidentally’ spilled purple grape juice down the front.”

“How very punk rock, Minerva,” Rafael muses. Olivia looks confused as Alex laughs.

“Whatever. Never have I ever worn a Halloween costume in public after undergrad.”

Rafael is correct. The game is a very efficient way of getting them drunk. When they all stumble into their respective apartments, Rafael, Alex, and Olivia are decidedly wasted, but also in much better spirits. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the fluffy ending. I figured some fluff to end what has been a very angst-driven week was especially appropriate given current events. 
> 
> Speaking of, if for some reason you want to read more of my writing and hear more political thoughts, I recommend the story I wrote yesterday called "Something Good Happened," which is pretty much just the relationships I included in this story reacting to the election. If you want to read something that's more relationship-driven and less centered around only Alex and Rafael talking, you can read that. While usually my Law and Order writing exists in a parallel version of the United States (no Trump) so that I can avoid having to talk about Trump, that story takes place in a world politically similar to the real world and is set post-canon. Olivia is still a captain, but Sonny is an ADA, Alex is a Congresswoman, and Rafael works for the ACLU. Thank you for indulging my shameless promotion of one of my other stories.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	23. A misunderstanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is concerned over a comment made by Olivia. Rafael is confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is entirely ridiculous but it's based on a ridiculous episode so I think it's justified.   
> Next chapter is the last chapter of season 11, and therefore the chapter where Alex leaves until season 13. Unlike last time Alex went away, there won't be any chapters in the "in between" time, meaning that season 13 post-episodes will start two chapters from now. And then we're done with Alex's part of the canon after season 13. She'll obviously still be a major part of the story, especially since the William Lewis and Noah story lines are in the later seasons, but she'll take the supporting role more often, similarly to the role that Rafael plays in this chapter.

“Today was an interesting day,” Alex informs Rafael.

“Explain,” he responds, handing her a menu.

“Well, Olivia and I were making out, and then she stops and asks me if she gives off a gay vibe.”

“While you were making out? She asked you if you thought she looked gay?”

“Yes.”

“I… what am I supposed to take away from that?”

“I don’t know.”

“What did you tell her?”

“I told her that at that present moment she did in fact give off a major gay vibe. Then presented to her exhibit A, which was the texts she sent me before arriving at my apartment, which professed her intent to make out with me. Then I presented as exhibit B, us sitting on the couch, having been making out. I concluded by arguing that since I am a woman, her making out with me produced a decidedly sapphic vibe.”

“What did she do?”

“She said she wished she hadn’t fallen in love with a lawyer.”

“Fair enough.”

“In other, related, news, I may be obligated to hate Babs Duffy.”

“Babs Duffy, isn’t she-”

“The lesbian rights activist who would fight to the death to protect me but would tell Olivia to screw off because she’s bi? Yes. She also kind of flirted with me at the precinct, which was flattering, but strange. But then,  _ then _ , she tried to kiss Olivia at her apartment.”

“Well. Is that what spurred on the gay vibe question?”

“I guess. I think it was that she was hoping that she just gave off this super gay vibe so that I wouldn’t think that she was giving off ‘single girl’ vibes.”

“What do you think?”

“I think Babs Duffy recognized a beautiful woman who wanted to make her feel better and took her shot. It’s not Olivia’s fault, what, was she supposed to telepathically clue Babs in that she was in a relationship? I’m not mad at Olivia. To my knowledge she practically ran out of there and came right home.”

“She probably felt guilty.”

“She definitely felt guilty, she apologized like fifteen times.”

“So, are you going to keep handling the case?”

“Of course. If anything, this is a bonding moment for me and Babs. We have the same taste in women.” Rafael snorts at that. 

“So what’s bothering you?”

“Nothing’s bothering me.”

“Alex.”

“Nothing.”

“Alex, tell me.”

“Nothing!”

“Alex.”

“Nothing!”

“Okay, look, we both know I’m stubborn enough to win this exchange. You have a girlfriend to go home to. I am single with no responsibilities.”

“Fine. What if I’m reading what Olivia meant wrong. What if she was so worried about what vibe she gives off because she doesn’t want to give off a gay vibe? Or a bi vibe. Or whatever. She’s never mentioned it before. We’ve been together about two and a half years in total, I think it would have come up. But what if it didn’t? What if she’s worried about something? I mean Manhattan SVU is fine, but we both know that the whole of NYPD can be terrible. What if she’s worried something will happen, or maybe something has happened, and she regrets being with me?”

“Alex…”

“Stabler actually told me she referenced it to him.”

“What?”

“She asked him whether or not she had a gay vibe.”

“Oh.”

“She told me she’s been attracted to more men than women. What if she’s ashamed and that’s why she’s been asking that question? What if-”

“Alex, I’m going to stop you, okay? Olivia Benson is completely, ridiculously,  _ insufferably _ in love with you. The few times we’ve spoken without you there, you’re all she wants to talk about. When we’re all in public together, she grabs your hand. She looks at you like you hold the answer to all the suffering in the world. You know that.

“She probably has been acting weird because Babs made a move on her and she feels guilty that she didn’t see it coming or that she gave Babs the impression she was available, which we both know is bullshit. She just phrased it very poorly because she’s like you and me in that we don’t like to talk about the ugly emotions. She tried to just forget it and be affectionate with you, but that didn’t work, so she tried deflecting. She loves you. She’s not ashamed of you.”

“You’re sure?”

“Positive.”

“Thanks, I really needed to hear that.”

“I can tell.”

“Do you want to hear about how Stabler got punched by a woman?”

“So much.”

“Okay so you know how Stabler is, generally, right?”

“Yes, he’s the kind of person who attacks his son for being cheeky. I know the type.”

“Okay, so imagine Stabler against a butch lesbian woman who makes a living tossing drunks out of a bar.”

“I take it the confrontation did not go well for him?”

“All I know is that I walked into the precinct and Olivia was holding an ice pack to his head.”

“How irritated was he?”

“He wasn’t pleased.”

“Specifics, Alex, it’s been a long week and I want to hear about how the tables were finally turned.”

“Okay. He’s definitely going to have a bruise, and he looked like he was ready to smash every piece of machinery in the precinct. I have half a mind to ask Cragen to limit his contact with suspects for the next week in case he needs to prove how powerful he is.”

“Good call.”

“In theory, but all it will likely accomplish is an ‘Alex, he’s an important part of my team’ speech’ and then Olivia will be frustrated.”

“Ugh.”

“I think she’s given up on us being friends, finally. She used to have me go to every single time the squad met for drinks in hope that I would forget all the times he blatantly violated the law and made my job harder. Or the time that she told me he held some guy’s head under water until we confessed.”

“That’s legally torture!”

“That’s what I said!” Alex exclaims, feeling vindicated. “Olivia says he did it to try to save a girl, which makes sense, but then he goes around being like ‘I agree that vigilantes are bad’ and then everyone gets mad when I point out he does the same things. Like they think it’s okay to torture someone if you have a badge. If you’re going to be a vigilante, own up to it at least. Be interesting.”

“True. Don’t subvert the law and then claim to uphold it.”

“Yep. And if you still do that, then don’t be mad when I’m happy you got punched in the face,” Alex says with a smirk. Rafael laughs.

“That sounds more than reasonable.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I know Rafael really doesn't come off as that emotionally in-touch but it's fairly common for people to be good at giving advice and less good at handling their own lives, and Rafael strikes me as that kind of person. Also, I hope the Stabler-roasting didn't seem too random. Sometimes I just like roasting Stabler. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	24. An opportunity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex takes a new job. Rafael works out a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the end of season 11 (and technically season 12 as well)! It's been fun. This chapter is a little different in that it has elements of the both the usual chapter format (95% dialogue, linked to an episode) and elements of the Rafael interlude chapter from after Alex entered WPP. I hope it still works.

“How long will you be gone?” Rafael asks, staring at Alex as if she’d grown a second head. 

“I don’t know. A year? Maybe more.”

“A… a year. Okay.”

“Are you mad?” Alex asks. 

“No, I’m not mad. How can I be mad? The job is amazing, and you’re perfect for it. I’m just going to miss you, is all.”

“We can talk, you know. You can Skype me from here and we can drink together.”

“What about time zone differences?”

“We’ll figure it out. I’m telling you, I already have a chart. Olivia and I have worked it all out. We’re going to talk every day. I’m sure I can fit you in a few times a week.”

“I just can’t believe you’re leaving again,” Rafael says.

“Not forever, okay? Not even for as long as last time. And this time we’re all on the same page as to whether I’m alive or not, and I’ve confirmed with Olivia that she’s not allowed to ditch you.”

“I don’t need my moms to take care of me,” Rafael grumbles, but he’s almost smiling. 

“Rafael, if you were leaving I’d want the same kind of assurance.”

“I’m going to miss you.”

“I’m going to miss you, too. But you understand, right? I had to take the job. It was all so sudden but it made so much sense. I’ve been out of it for a little while, but during this case, everything kind of came back, you know. My instincts. My anger. My horror. I haven’t been genuinely horrified by anything in years. I thought I’d just grown numb to everything. But Olivia and I had a date, the first one we’ve managed to schedule in weeks, and all I could talk about was the absolute bullshit that is what’s going on. And I fought like hell, and I fucking won that case, but I still felt that it wasn’t enough. The win wasn’t enough, my job wasn’t enough. And then I was offered this job. And I had to take it.” Rafael understands being numb, and what it’s like when work finally breaks through that. He understands how important that is. 

“I get it. That sounds like how I felt when I was first offered the position at SVU.” Alex doesn’t say anything for a few moments, opting instead to pick at her napkin.

“I mean, I took this job pretty much without thinking,” Alex begins.

“You’ve said-”

“I overthink everything, and I did it without thinking.”

“That’s probably-”

“What if I’m not good enough?” Alex asks. “What if I took this job without thinking about whether I could actually do it? I’m a New York City ADA. I’ve never prosecuted anything on a national scale, let alone  _ international _ .”

“Well, from what I can tell the position you’re holding is pretty new. No one’s done it before.”

“You know what I mean, Rafael.”

“Alex, you’re an incredible prosecutor. You’re relentless, you’re talented, and you have principles. You just went into battle against a federal agency on behalf of a single woman. You know the law, every facet of it. If anyone can do this, it’s you.”

“You think so?”

“I’m certain.”

“You're the best, Rafi.”

“Remember that when we have to Skype at 1:30 in the morning in your time.”

“Please, as if we don’t already talk at 1:30 in the morning,” Alex scoffs.

“Fair enough,” Rafael acknowledges with a laugh. 

“So, we’re good?” Alex asks.

“Of course.”

“Good. Because that might not be my only news,” Alex says with a smile.

“Let me get this straight, leaving the country for a year was just your opening news?” Rafael asks.

“It’s related. I’m giving up my lease. When I come back, I’ll be living at Olivia’s. Technically, we’re moving in together.”

“That’s great.”

“Yeah. It seems like nothing given that I’m going away for a while, but it’s not. Because that’s where my home is now. Olivia’s home is also my home to come back to. When I’m homesick, I’m not going to be thinking of the small apartment I rented immediately after I left Witness Protection, I’m going to be thinking about Olivia’s home.”

“That makes a lot of sense. I’m happy for you.”

“You’re going to call me, right? Because I am going to know zero people there, and you're one of very few friends in general and the only one who won’t kill me if I call you after midnight to talk.”

“Of course.”

Alex does call him after midnight to talk. About once a week. She feels a little guilty, but it’s not like he’s asleep. She texts him first, and if he doesn’t respond she assumes he’s asleep and doesn’t call. She and Olivia talk regularly, but there are some times when she feels like she can’t talk to Olivia. Some of the things she’s facing she can’t bring herself to describe to her, not when she knows how they weigh on her. They don’t weigh on Rafael as much. Not to say Alex thinks he doesn’t care, he definitely cares, but it doesn’t wound him down to his soul just to know that the violence exists. 

Alex also can’t ask Olivia for legal advice. Alex keeps her head above water, and is happy with her performance, but it only makes sense that every once and a while she’s hit with a quandary she can’t fix on her own. Seven months in, Rafael jokes to her that he’s now Brooklyn’s go-to ADA whenever something international comes up because of how much research he’s done. Alex tells him he needs to ask for a raise.

Things are good. Alex doesn’t feel isolated. She gets along well with her coworkers, and is thrilled to actually see that they’re helping. Actually making progress. It’s thrilling, when they win. 

When they don’t win, it hits her. She doesn’t blame herself, not directly, but there is an existential despair to fully understanding the scale of the suffering and that no matter how hard they try it just won’t go away. She felt like this when she first started SVU, only to a much lesser extent. Similarly to what happened at SVU, she adapts. When her defenses fail, she calls Olivia. The work is miserable, sometimes, but Alex is never miserable.

Her timetable proves accurate. A year in and she has no plans to return. She misses Olivia. Everything about her. She knows Olivia misses her, too, but they spent five years apart. They know how to survive without each other. She misses Rafael, but they follow through on their first idea and Skype when Rafael goes out for drinks. She knows this job isn’t forever. The first chance she gets, she plans to put in for a transfer to a New York office, but she’s content to wait. 

Until Stabler shoots a teenage girl, and Olivia calls her in tears. Olivia needs her. Not over the phone. Not on Skype. Everything about Olivia’s work is collapsing, and Alex can’t not be there for her. It’s not even a decision. She puts in her papers, and a week later she’s on a flight home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you on Saturday for the start of season 13! Thanks for reading!


	25. A new situation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex once again returns to SVU. Rafael deals with a break-up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for 2000 hits! That's absolutely wild. Many thanks to everyone who read this story.  
> I only have about ten chapters left to write on my doc, so I can give you the following update: This story will probably be about 63 chapters in total, give or take one or two more if I decide to add. I'm not going to put the final chapter count to replace the "?" because I could always add or maybe my counting was off.

“There are new people,” Alex grumbles, stalking into Forlini’s and sitting down next to Rafael.

“What’s wrong with new people?” Rafael asks.

“They’re new. I don’t know them.”

“Okay but you did know Stabler, right? And you didn’t enjoy working with him.”

“But I knew how to work with him. Every time I was at SVU I worked with the same people. I knew that you can’t leave Stabler alone in a room with a perp, that you can bribe Fin with video games, that you should not talk about evangelicals around John, et cetera. I don’t know anything about these new people. I mean, the case I worked with the new woman went fine, she’s clearly competent, but what if she’s super clumsy or something and so she trips over something in an apartment she’s searching and breaks a piece of evidence. If I had been working with her for years, I would know not to send her to cluttered apartments, but because she’s new, I don’t know. Or what if this new guy is afraid of heights, but he has a toxic masculinity problem and goes on top of a tall building anyway, and then the fear causes him to go into fight or flight and he attacks a perp? I like knowing people.”

“So what you’re saying is you’re a control freak who’s afraid of change,” Rafael summarizes.

“Exactly.”

“Well, does anything still function? Or is all hope lost?”

“Olivia and I still work great together. We trust each other’s judgement, we make cases strong. I swear it’s the only thing that stopped me from interrogating each of the new people.”

“Thank God. So everything is good with Olivia?”

“Everything is  _ great _ with Olivia. I… I forgot how great it was to just have her around. We obviously talked, but it’s another thing when she’s physically in the room, you know? When I can hold her hand, and not have to worry about wi-fi issues interrupting our conversations. It’s just been great. We went out for dinner, I dragged her to a play, she even offered to play tour guide when one of my cousins was in town. And if she would willingly spend time with my dumpster fire of a family, she’s a better person than me.” 

“She sounds like a keeper.”

“She is, trust me. I’m never leaving the country without her again.”

“Well that’s unfortunate, since I’m considering leaving,” Rafael says glumly, but not seriously.

“What happened?”

“Remember how I told you about the man I was seeing? Well, I’m no longer seeing him.”

“What happened?”

“He ended things. Publicly.”

“Oh, God.”

“Apparently I ‘work too much’ and ‘used him’ even though I made it very clear how many hours I worked, and that any partner needed to be on board with that,” Rafael sighs.

“Yikes.”

“Well, I got yelled at in the middle of his office building. It’s always fun being outed. I just left after he started really yelling. I don’t even remember half of what he said. I just got out of there.”

“Good for you,” Alex says genuinely. “As for this man, I will need his address in order to exact vengeance.”

“No vengeance is necessary. I’m trying to forget about it. It wasn’t that serious anyway. I did blow him off in order to work, multiple times. It was neither of our finest moments.”

“He shouldn’t have yelled at you,” Alex says seriously. 

“I know that. But I don’t think the outing thing even occurred to him, and he’s never even raised his voice before. I think it comes down to that he was the type who was always incredibly nice and only ever vaguely hinted at problems until it just became too much, and I’ve always been… not great at picking up on emotions. It is what it is.”

“I have an idea,” Alex says.

“Alert the media,” Rafael snarks. Alex elbows him.

“You know how everyone has these little pet peeves that they do that annoy you, and they’re so minor that you don’t even consider mentioning them until a relationship goes south because they aren't close to a dealbreaker they just sometimes get on your nerves?”

“Despite that remarkably long description, I think I do.”

“Okay, well, you’ve always been great at complaining, so I figured you could just tell me every single annoying thing this asshat did while we eat ice cream.”

“Does Forlini’s even have ice cream?” Rafael asks.

“If it has food, it has ice cream.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“Only one way to find out.” Alex gets the bartender’s attention. “Do you have ice cream?”

“Uh, yeah, it’s one of the desserts we sell. It’s not fancy. It’s just, like, vanilla ice cream and some chocolate syrup,” the bartender answers.

“Perfect. We’ll have two.”

When the ice cream arrives, Rafael looks at Alex. “Should I start?”

“Please.”

“He sang in the shower. Constantly. No matter the situation. I told him about a gang rape case that had left me unable to sleep at night. He said all the right things and then he went to shower and was belting out Katy Perry. I was irritated.” He takes a large bite of ice cream.

“Yikes,” Alex says, wincing. 

“He had a habit of adding ‘right?’ to the end of his sentences. It didn’t matter what he had said. I felt like I had to prepare an answer even though there wasn’t really a question.

“He was really close to his older sister, and he used to talk to her loudly on the phone and make it clear they were talking bad about me. He always said he was joking but in hindsight that was probably him trying to tell me he was unhappy.

“Speaking of said sister, he kept trying to trick me into meeting her. The reason he failed was because of work, and he’d get upset at  _ me _ .

“He once tried to tell me that polka dot suits could be a  _ good _ fashion statement.

“He liked blueberry muffins from this one cafe, and would make me wake up early to get them with him. It would have been fine if the place served good coffee, or good muffins for that matter, but alas.”

Rafael continues, only pausing to eat more ice cream. Alex rarely interjects, letting Rafael get everything off his chest. Rafael decides to end with a big finish.

“He once called me ‘papi’ in bed. He was both older than me and white.” Alex chokes on her ice cream as Rafael watches her reaction, amused.

“You once told me you hated that.”

“I do hate it, and I’d told him that, too.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t kick him out.”

“Eh. He was there and he was nice. I think he got from my facial expression that I wasn’t into it.”

“Still. Good riddance.”

“Agreed.”

“Okay, worst first date ever, go,” Alex says, finishing the last of her ice cream.

“Okay. I had just started law school. I got set up with this guy in one of my larger classes. The friend who set us up told me that he played sports all through college. I took away from that that he was probably very in shape, and I was happy. I should have taken away that he was a sports bro. It was all he talked about. For the first half hour, all about his sports stats in college, and in high school. I mentioned repeatedly that I didn’t follow or know anything about sports. He took this to mean that it was his duty for the rest of the night to explain sports to me. I asked him about his family, he told me his father’s baseball stats and how his younger brother just started college. I asked where. He told me about the university’s teams. I tried to talk to him about my favorite artists, authors, et cetera and he looked so bored until he found an opening to continue talking about his interests. I finally just told him I wasn’t really interested in learning about sports and he said that might mean we were incompatible as partners, but maybe we could just hook up sometimes. He was good looking but not  _ that  _ good looking. I had done enough of that in college, so I said no. And that was that.”

“Ouch. That’s horrible,” Alex says, torn between feeling bad and really wanting to laugh.

“It contributed to an already sort-of-there resentment of baseball. I can’t stand it. It also made me finally stop pretending I’m not interested in artsy, ‘higher end’ things. I like them. Who cares if that makes me a snob? I’m entitled to my own goddamn interests.”

“That’s completely fair.”

“Anyway, so that’s mine. Your turn.”

“Well, it was undergrad. I asked out this girl in a poli sci class I was taking. We went to a restaurant and had pizza. That was all fine. The issue was that at one point she asked about my family. And I thought, fuck it, I might as well kind of explain where things are right now. So I gave her the brief summary of how my parents expectations kind of fucked me up for a while and how I’m not on great terms with my mom. She tells me that’s what I deserve for taking their money and going to private school. I told her I was a minor, I kind of had to go where they asked, and I wouldn’t be able to afford college without their help. She told me that unless they had me chained to the bed I could have run away, and there was no one to blame but myself. I ended the date right there after I got done staring at her with my mouth hanging open and she told me that she always suspected I was too entrenched in the establishment for her.”

“Oh my god, that’s terrible.”

“It wasn’t pleasant. I took a break from dating for a while after that. I didn’t trust my taste. After a while my friend set me up with someone and we actually got along great. She was my girlfriend for most of college but we broke up when she moved across the country for medical school and the long distance thing didn’t work out.”

“That’s unfortunate.”

“I was very upset at the time, but at least it got me where I am now. Anyway, that’s my worst first date.”

“Thank you, Alex.”

“For what?”

“For making me very glad I’m single.”

“Mission accomplished!” Alex cheers, patting Rafael’s shoulder. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alas, poor Rafael. But at least he has Alex back in the country. See you on Monday for a lot of fluff and all around happy times. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	26. A proposal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex proposes to Olivia. Rafael helps her prepare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Welcome back!  
> This chapter is one of my favorites. Not really because the writing is particularly different, but just because it ties up some loose ends and brings things full circle. It was very satisfying to write and made me very happy. I hope it also makes you happy.

Alex is quite sure that nothing can bring down her mood today. Nothing monumental has happened. Yesterday she woke up, she made pancakes (without burning down her stove!), and Olivia was there to actually eat the pancakes. They went to work, and it sucked. But then, they went home together. They watched  _ The Devil Wears Prada _ and ate popcorn. And then they actually went to sleep. Together. Before midnight. Amazing. The seemingly normal and yet perfect day came off the heels of a work spat that didn’t turn into a home spat. They’re in sync. They’re ready. They’ve worked through their problems successfully and are now in a Mature and Healthy relationship, trademark. And then two weeks after that they went ice skating. Ice skating. It was sweet and idyllic and Alex only fell down once. All of these seemingly normal and yet perfect things fill Alex with certainty. So she calls Rafael to Forlini’s to ask for an important favor for a second time. By the time she sits down, she’s a ball of nervous excitement. 

“Alex? Did one of your enemies fall down the stairs?” Rafael asks, noting her gleeful smile.

“No, Rafa. Even better.”

“Did Olivia propose?” Rafael guesses, looking down at Alex’s hands. No ring. Not yet anyway.

“No. But you’re a lot closer.”

“Are you going to propose?”

“Yes! I don’t know when. Probably in the next few weeks. Whenever the moment is right.”

“What do you need?”

“I need you to help me with ring shopping. Again.” Rafael freezes. Then Alex freezes, because she is suddenly acutely aware of what happened last time Rafael helped her with the engagement process. Christ, he had probably had to sell her old ring. Because he thought she was dead. “You don’t have to,” she says immediately.

“The old ring, you still like the design?” Rafael asks. Alex frowns sadly. She had loved everything about the old ring. She’s not sure why Rafael is bringing this up now. 

“Yes. The old ring was perfect. Ideally we’d be able to find something exactly like it,” Alex sighs. “Sometimes I do wonder where it ended up. It depends where you sold it to, I guess.” Alex had never wanted to know how Rafael had disposed of it. She still doesn’t.

“I know where the ring is.”

“Really?”

“It’s in my safe.” Alex blinks, shocked. It had never occurred to her that Rafael hadn’t gotten rid of it. The same ring Alex had found nine years ago was still in their possession. 

“I-”

“I’m sorry if that was weird, okay? I didn’t mean to be weird. It’s just that I knew that you loved the ring so I couldn’t just get rid of it. And I couldn’t give it to Olivia. One night I was super wasted and just decided that if I couldn’t get rid of it that only left one alternative. So I locked it in my safe and I just kept it there. I don’t know why. I think part of my brain wanted to believe you were alive, and would come back for it. Anyway, it’s still there. In my safe. If you want it.” 

Alex doesn’t know what to say to that. So she gets up from her seat and hugs Rafael. Tightly. He freezes for a moment but then hugs her back.

“I adore you, Rafi. You know that, right? You’re the best friend anyone could ever ask for.”

“Does this mean I get to be your Manservant of Honor?” Rafael asks, and Alex can hear in his voice that he’s getting emotional.

“Of course, Rafael. Such a dignified title could only be reserved for you.”

“I… I appreciate that, Alex. I…” his voice breaks off. Alex releases him and realizes that he has tears in his eyes.

“Are you okay, Rafi?”

“Yes. Yes.” Rafael clears his throat. “Yes. I’m fine. It’s just,  _ you’re getting married _ , and you’re my best friend. And you’re getting married.” Oh, crap. Now Alex is getting teary, too.

“Remember when you helped me plan how to ask out Olivia based on your abuelita’s telenovelas?” Alex asks, her voice heavy with emotion. Rafael nods.

“Remember when you stormed up to me thinking I had ruined your chances when I was just being an excellent wingman?” Rafael asks, trying to smirk smugly, but landing on a genuine smile. 

“I do owe you one for that.”

“You owe me a thousand.”

“I can live with that.” 

The next day, Rafael invites Alex over to his apartment to open the safe. He promises himself he won’t get emotional. He absolutely fails to keep his promise. He doesn’t even remember much of the night he put the ring in the safe, which he vaguely recalls was the point, but he does remember the pain. The replacement of the pain with something happy, something as happy as Alex gazing excitedly at the ring she would be using to propose, gives him a strange form of whiplash. After that, he really has no choice other than to break his promise. Alex notices him being emotional and starts to get emotional too. He doesn’t feel bad. It’s his own goddamn apartment. He doesn’t have to be guarded here. He can be a sap if he so chooses.

“Okay, Rafael. New proposal ideas. I need them.”

“What do you have so far?”

“Nice dinner.”

“That’s a good idea.”

“It’s cliche!”

“Okay… what’s your favorite memory with Olivia?”

“Rafael, I asked you for advice, not an essay question.”

“Fair enough… can you cook anything?”

“Without setting my stove on fire? Pretty much just pancakes.”

“Uh huh…”

“Wait. I have an idea.”

“Tell me.”

“Okay, so remember how I told you about how happy I was that perfectly normal day, and that it started with pancakes? I could wait until we both get home at a reasonable hour, and then I could cook her pancakes for dinner, and I could have this whole romantic speech about how happy just spending time with her made me, and then I could propose.”

“That sounds like one of the best ideas I’ve heard in a while.”

“You think she’ll like it?”

“Alex, she’d say yes if you proposed to her over takeout at the precinct.”

“I know that. I’m not just trying to get an answer though, I want this to be a romantic story we can tell to our grandkids that won’t just get a response of ‘wow, our grandmas worked a lot.’”

“This will do that,” Rafael assures her, smiling.

“You’re certain?”

“Absolutely.”

“I’m going to talk to Cragen. I’ll hopefully call you tomorrow with… news.”

“RAFAEL! Rafael, hold on. Yes, I called Rafael, he’s on the phone.”

“Alex?” Rafael asks.

“Rafael! Yes. Sorry, Olivia wanted to know if you were on the phone.”

“I am.”

“I know!”

“So… why are you calling?”

“I’m engaged! We’re engaged! Olivia and I! We’re getting married! Legally! In New York!” Alex enthuses, almost jumping off the ground in her excitement. 

“Congratulations!”

“Thank you! We’re just calling to let you know, and I’m formally asking you to be part of the wedding party.”

“I accept.”

“Amazing! Thank you so much. You’re amazing. Life is amazing. Everything is  _ perfect _ . Hold on, Olivia wants the phone.”

“Olivia?” Rafael asks when the rustling stops.

“Hi, Rafa.”

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you. I wanted to ask you about something. Alex mentioned that she actually chose my ring before Witness Protection. She didn’t tell me where she had left it but I searched our apartment at the time from top to bottom at one point after she had bought it and I didn't find it. So I was wondering where it had been, and then I remembered an off-hand comment she made about you helping her choose it. So I put two and two together and realized you must have kept it for her. For almost nine years.”

“You should be a detective, Olivia.”

“Ha, ha. I’m serious. I want to thank you. It was very kind. And it should go without saying that I absolutely love the ring, and Alex.”

“I know you do. Congratulations, Olivia, really.”

“Thank you. I’ll give Alex back the phone now. She keeps making grabby hands at me.” Rafael chuckles as he hears Alex recover the phone.

“Do you know what this means, Rafa? You and I have a massive event to plan.”

“First, it’s  _ your  _ wedding. You have to plan it. I’m just the head of the wedding party. My obligations are to take you out for steaks and hard alcohol the week before and then to give an amazing speech. Second, most people hire a wedding planner.”

“As if I would trust  _ someone else _ to plan  _ my  _ wedding.”

“We’re hiring a wedding planner!” Rafael hears Olivia shout from elsewhere in the room.

“If only to avoid another balloon animal birthday party incident,” Rafael jokes.

“Okay, first of all, I stand by those. They were sweet and whimsical, and we could all do with some whimsy in our lives. Second of all, IT WAS TEN YEARS AGO.”

“Well now I feel old,” Rafael sighs.

“Think of it this way, Rafael: Olivia and I are about to get married for the first time, so none of us can really be that old, right?”

“That is true.”

“Of course it is. I’m infallible.”

“Good night, Alex. Congratulations again.”

“Thank you. Good night.” Alex pauses. “Rafael?”

“Yes?”

“If you even think about booking a stripper for my Bachelorette Party, I will murder you with a butter knife.”

“You ruin all my fun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Olivia are officially engaged! I promise this time no one will die and they will get married (during the season 14 chapters). 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	27. A missed opportunity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex deals with Olivia's family issues. Rafael considers his next career move.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back!!!   
> This will be the second to last chapter of season 13. I'm honestly very excited to start the next era of this story/SVU, I think some of the best chapters, both for Alex and for Rafael, are ahead. I also have horrible writer's block for this one chapter for season 18 that I'm writing right now but hopefully I can get that finished today. I just bring that up because it's irritating and I hate writer's block.

“Okay so you’re not inviting anyone from your family?” Rafael asks, hunkered down in a booth in Forlini’s with Alex, who has a large binder in front of her.

“Just my Uncle Bill.”

“You don’t want to piss off Judge Harriman?”

“Yes, Rafael, I’m only inviting the man who likely saved my college education and was one of my biggest supporters when I was first becoming a lawyer because of politics.” Rafael just rolls his eyes. 

“Hey, what do I know?”

“Indeed. The wedding’s going to be small. Family for my side is just Uncle Bill. In terms of friends there’s you, obviously, my friend Casey from the DA’s office, Donnelly, George, a couple of college friends, Rita, and, uh, if it’s okay with you, I was going to invite your grandmother.”

“She’d love that.”

“You’re sure? I don’t want to make it weird. Like I know she’s  _ your _ family, but we’ve met a bunch of times, she’s the sweetest person ever, and I think it would really mean a lot to both Olivia and me to have a supportive older woman there, if that makes sense. Neither of us ever really had that.”

“Alex, she was going to ask you for an invite anyway.”

“What?”

“When I told her about your engagement and that I was essentially the best man, she told me she wanted to come. I told her I wasn’t sure if you wanted that. She told me to start strongly hinting that she wanted to go and if she didn’t get confirmation she was invited within the next few months she was just going to call you.”

“Well I mean, I wouldn’t want to miss your speech either.”

“It’s not just that, Alex. Abuelita likes people. She’s been to all the weddings, quinceañeras, funerals, and even bar and bat mitzvahs of people in her building, people who she knows a lot less well than she knows you. She likes to take part in the joy.”

“I’d like her to be a part of it.”

“Well good. So who’s coming from Olivia’s side?”

“Just friends,” Alex sighs, frowning at her chart.

“Surely you expected that?” Rafael asks. 

“Up until about three weeks ago. It’s why I had to keep cancelling on you. I’m sorry about that by the way. Things were just… hectic.”

“Olivia has family?”

“Had, at least. A half brother. On her father’s side.”

“Well, fuck.”

“Yep. She apparently searched for him and located him about a year before I returned to SVU. She helped him clear his name when he was falsely accused of rape. They went their separate ways. Then, about a month ago, this brother, Simon, and his fiancé, Tracey, show up at our door. This was the first time I ever met him, by the way, and it was exceedingly awkward. Anyway, the reason they’re in town is because they were stopped by police and Simon had a joint, and now their kids have been taken away.”

“They had kids?”

“A boy and a girl. We met them.”

“I’m already dreading how this story is going to end.”

“Continue dreading.”

“I’m sorry.”

“So am I. The kids are beautiful, by the way. The little girl, she’s maybe two, her name is Olivia. Both kids immediately bond with Olivia. You’ve seen Liv around kids. She adores them. We’re planning on signing up to get cleared by adoption agencies soon after the wedding. Liv’s brother tells her that this is her family. And she looked at me, and she was so  _ happy _ .” Alex starts to get choked up and Rafael puts a hand on her shoulder.

“I can assume that this didn’t end well?”

“Liv and I got Bayard Ellis to take their case. They had a really good shot. But then they grabbed the kids from foster care and got caught. Liv’s brother took the fall for all of it, and the fiance got the kids. She’s vanished. Olivia’s brother is in prison.”

“That’s awful, I’m so sorry.”

“Her entire family,  _ poof _ ,” Alex mutters bitterly. “She was happy without it, you know? We were happy. And then it was introduced and immediately taken away. And now Liv’s not happy with what we had a month ago. She wanted that family.”

“The wedding is… still on?”

“We talked about it. I was worried she wouldn’t want to go forward, but she told me to stop overthinking everything. She wants to get married. She told me she doesn’t love me any less and the wedding isn’t for months. She said goodbye to her brother once, she can do it again. Then she told me she needed to be alone for a few hours and shoved me out the door with my binder.”

“And here you stand.”

“And here I stand.”

“Well, since we have a few hours before you’re allowed to return home, I’m going to tell you a conundrum I’m unfortunately facing.”

“Shoot.”

“I feel stuck.”

“Elaborate.”

“I feel like I’ve accomplished all I can at Brooklyn SVU. The squad is perfectly adequate. I’m even on good terms with some of them. But the resources aren’t there. I feel like I’m doing the same thing over and over again amongst people who feel the same.”

“You want excitement.”

“No. That’s putting it too simply. I’m not seeking  _ excitement  _ out of SVU cases, that would be demonic. It’s just that from an early age I’ve been ambitious. I wanted out of the Bronx. I wanted to be accepted to law school. I wanted to be top of my class. I wanted to be in the DA’s office. You know. I’ve always wanted to be more, wanted to be  _ better _ . And I haven’t stopped wanting that, but I have stopped getting better. And for a while that was fine. I’m the scary Brooklyn SVU lawyer. I cultivated that reputation. But over the time we’ve been friends I’ve seen you take increasingly challenging positions and find happiness and grow tremendously and sometimes I feel very aware that I’ve been at Brooklyn SVU for almost ten years and have nothing in terms of connections other than three friends and a myriad of dalliances.”

“Rafael, I’m so sorry if I ever made you feel-”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Alex. That’s not what I was trying to say. It came out wrong. I meant that you’ve inspired me. Gave me certainty that more can be done. That  _ I  _ can do more, because I’ve always seen us equals. I’m not sure what exactly I want to do… but I’m looking for something. I’ll know it when I see it.”

“Congratulations.”

“I haven’t even done anything yet,” Rafael says, smiling. Alex smiles back.

“You will. I know it. You’ll do incredible things, Rafi.”

“I appreciate the vote of confidence.”

“Well that’s my job, Rafael. Me and your abuelita. Sitting on the sidelines and cheering you on.”

“You better not start calling me ‘el juez.’”

“That’s what she calls you?”

“...No.”

“It’s cute.”

“I’m serious. I will leave.”

“And leave me stranded in Forlini’s by myself? We know the staff here, Rafael. They’d get mad.”

“You are lucky there are a great many things I would do to stay in the good graces of Forlini’s.”

“I am lucky. Very lucky.”

“Sap,” Rafael grumbles.

“I’m getting married, Rafael, I’m allowed to be sappy.”

“Sappiness is a form of weakness.”

“God help you, Rafael, when you fall in love and get all sappy. I will mock you within an inch of your life. I will become Rita-level insufferable. You will have two Ritas mocking you.”

“Just for that, I don’t want to ever find love.”

“You won’t care.”

“I think I would care if my two friends were both being insufferable, simultaneously.”

“You won’t care. The only thing that will matter is that you’re in love.”

“That would be nice.”

“That  _ will  _ be nice, Rafael. You’ll get through this slump you're in, just like Olivia will recover from this loss. Whether you make it work in Brooklyn or move across the country, you will have an amazing life.”

Rafael shakes his head at her.

“But how can you possibly be sure of any of that?” 

“Because in order to survive I have to believe that there’s some justice in this world. And if anyone deserves good things, it’s you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What will Rafael do next? Hmm... I wonder...
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	28. A new job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex accepts a federal job. Rafael looks out for Alex's well-being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the last chapter of season 13 and also the last chapter featuring Alex as an ADA! Excuse me while I get emotional.

Rafael knocks on Alex’s door. They don’t have plans scheduled but Alex’s case just hit the news and he tried calling her and she didn’t pick up. Then he called Olivia and she said Alex was home. So he’s at her home. He waits.

“Alex, it’s me!” he calls when she doesn’t immediately answer.

“Yeah, hold on a second.” He hears some scrambling and then the door opens. Alex’s glasses are crooked, and her hair is a mess, and she’s in an old t-shirt and sweatpants.

“Is everything okay?” Rafael asks.

“Yes, Rafael. These are my usual clothes for the middle of a workday.”

“What happened?”

“I visited Ken and Fin at the hospital.”

“Who is Ken?”

“Fin’s son. He’s gay. His boyfriend, well, fiance, is in the hospital. In a coma.”

“Oh, God.”

“Yeah. Everyone else had visited and I figured since I wasn’t part of the squad, technically, they wouldn’t want me there, but Liv wanted me to drop off some cookies she had baked for Ken last night and since she was busy with this newest, unrelated victim I took them. And it was horrible. He… I don’t know if he’s going to make it, Rafi. And he’s so young. And Fin’s son is so sweet, and such a good person. And they should be planning their wedding. But they aren’t. They’re at the hospital.”

“You’ve prosecuted hate crimes before.”

“I know. I know that. And I’ve always been able to handle it. Even that case of the serial killer who was specifically targeting lesbians. And gang violence, it’s something I’ve seen before. None of this should be new. I just know that after I left the hospital I had this splitting headache and I couldn’t focus, so I got sent home.”

“Should I leave? Are you in pain?”

“No, it’s better now. I said I could go in but I was told to stay home. It’s probably a good idea. I need time to think.”

“Think about what?”

“A job offer I got.”

“What?” Rafael asks loudly. Alex winces.

“Please try to keep it down, my headache is pretty much gone but just in case.”

“Sorry. What job offer?” Rafael whispers.

“An AUSA job. In New York City. Organized crime.”

“I am trying so hard not to scream right now,” Rafael mutters. Alex smiles at him.

“Apparently the other AUSA is moving up. They like my numbers and my experience.”

“Are you taking it?”

“I think so.”

“Can I ask why?”

“I think it’s partly about Ken and Alejandro, that’s his name, Ken’s fiance. I mean, this case had similar effects as though it had literally hit me in the face. I think I was okay for so long because I couldn’t really connect my personal life with my cases. I saw and heard horrific things but that was fine because the life I led at home was separate. And then this case, and all of a sudden that barrier just shattered. Because here are two kids who are essentially squad family. And they’re getting married. Like Olivia and I. And I couldn’t handle it. All I could think about was Olivia in a hospital bed. Alejandro and Ken deserve better. They deserve a prosecutor who can focus on their case and who can keep their head clear, so that the bastards who hurt Alejandro get put in jail for the rest of their miserable lives. And I can’t be that prosecutor. Not at this moment, anyway.

“I always knew Olivia was stronger than me. I think this just proves it. When the cases hit hard I get too invested. And it ends badly. Usually I’m the Ice Queen and there’s peace in the world, but when the shield cracks, it really cracks.

“What happens when Olivia and I adopt a child? How am I going to be able to deal with cases of kids being abused all day, every day and then not think about my own kid? I’ll just keep my child in a bubble out of fear, and that’s no way for a child to live. I can't do it. I have to leave.”

“I…” Rafael starts, unsure what to say. “Are you sure?”

“More and more each second.”

“This other job… it would be different?”

“Yeah, I think so. I mean, it will still be awful, but it will be a little more separate, I think. Not to mention better pay and hours.”

“So you’re going to the Feds. Ouch,” Rafael says with a small smile. Alex nods.

“I think that I am. You want to make yourself comfortable? I was just about to help myself to some ice cream and continue to feel like shit, but on the couch this time.”

“Of course.”

“To AUSA Cabot,” Rafael says, raising his glass of champagne. Olivia and Alex meet it.

“I’m glad you actually did it, I was concerned you were going to levitate off the ground with nervousness,” Olivia says warmly.

“I was accepting a pretty substantial job offer, I’m allowed to be jittery.”

“My issue is, if you’re like this now, what’s the first day of work going to be like?” Rafael wonders. Alex shoots him a glare.

“I told McCoy I’m leaving, but I’m still the ADA for a few more months. So I don’t have to deal with it yet.”

“Avoidance? Is that really the best strategy?” Rafael asks.

“It better be. Because that’s what I’m going with.”

“We’re going to miss you, you know,” Olivia tells Alex.

“You’ll see me every day. Probably more, given that I might be home at a reasonable hour.”

“I mean the rest of the squad.”

“Oh, really? You think Rollins and Amaro are attached to me?”

“They know you, at least.”

“Question skillfully dodged.”

“You should have been a lawyer, Olivia,” Rafael agrees. 

“God no,” Olivia says, shuddering comically. Alex elbows her. “Seriously, Al, I opened some of the books you keep in your office, and I understood maybe three words.”

“Honestly, most of law school was learning how to properly read the law books and some exam prep,” Alex says. Rafael nods.

“You pay $100,000 for that?” Olivia asks.

“Eagerly,” Rafael answers.

“Well, to each their own.” Olivia raises her glass. “To Alex Cabot, the most established ADA that SVU has ever had. Her replacement has big shoes to fill.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AUSA Cabot, let's go!  
> Next chapter will be kind of an in-between period after Cragen's case resolves but before Rafael starts at SVU and then after that it will officially be Rafael's era. Exciting times.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	29. A transfer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex waits to start her new job. Rafael transfers to Manhattan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is finally here. The crossroads. The point where the reigns of Manhattan SVU are officially transferred. Next chapter I might even switch up the order of the chapter summary, if you can believe it. In all seriousness, thank you to everyone who supported this story. It means so much that I can share my writing with you and the fact that some people actually seem to like this story brings me a lot of joy.

“I don’t think I’ve ever had better timing in my life,” Alex grumbles, sitting down next to Rafael.

“Tell me about it. Cragen’s been released, right?”

“Yeah. This case probably cost Olivia like ten years of her life, though.”

“Ouch.”

“It’s been bad. Olivia’s been working like there’s no tomorrow, while I have a week off before the start of my new job. I’ve pretty much been sitting by the phone waiting for Olivia to need legal advice, which was often.”

“The Brooklyn DA’s office has hit a rough patch. Not as bad as Manhattan, but it’s not like some of our people didn’t use Delia Wilson’s services. Rita’s called me so many times; sometimes to cackle with glee and sometimes to brag about how much money she’s about to make.”

“Manhattan is fucking chaos. I probably would need Rita if I hadn’t been audited during that investigation a while ago and put in my papers before the case hit. I can’t imagine working there right now,” Alex sighs.

“I can.”

“What?”

“I can imagine working there right now,” Rafael says simply. He maintains eye contact, waiting for Alex to catch on. 

“What are you trying to tell me, Rafael?” Alex asks, a smile forming on her face.

“I requested a lateral transfer. To the Manhattan DA’s office. Preferably to Manhattan SVU.”

“You did not.”

“I did. I submitted the paperwork earlier today.”

“Oh my God, Rafael.”

“Are you mad?”

“Mad? Of course not!” Alex enthuses, her face breaking out into a grin. “You’re going to Manhattan SVU! I mean, why on Earth you’d want to be in Manhattan right now is probably best discussed with a professional, but I’m happy for you.”

“You’re happy that I might have some bizarre lack of regard for my own wellbeing?”

“If it means I can leave without wondering about the competency of my successor, yes.”

“You trust me?”

“Completely. You’ll do great. I mean, your Scary Lawyer shtick won’t phase Liv at all, so good luck with that, but I think you’ll do amazingly.”

“Well now that I know I’ll be without my shtick I don’t think I’ll be able to function,” Rafael sighs. Alex laughs. 

“You’ll do just fine, Rafi.”

“What do I need to know?” Rafael asks.

“What?”

“Assuming I’m assigned to SVU, what should I know?”

“Well, you know Olivia. Don, Captain Cragen, is alright. He’s fiercely loyal to his detectives though, so don’t count on him to back you up. The closest he’s ever come to supporting me over one of his team is mediating an argument. John’s pretty straightforward and reliable. He comes off as a conspiracy nut but most of that’s just cynicism and wit, which I think you’ll appreciate. Fin looks more straightforward than he is. He won’t respond to emotional speeches. He can be difficult to read at times but he does his job very well. I don’t know that much about the new people. Amaro seems like he might have anger problems, so watch out to see if he becomes more like Stabler. Rollins is eager to prove herself. There’s some drama involving her and her old squad in Atlanta. That’s what I know.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem. As for the DA’s office, everyone’s genuinely good to each other. I can’t think of any drama I’ve been a part of. I’ve made a couple friends I think. SVU ADAs tend to be pretty isolated from the rest of the office because of the kind of work we do. McCoy’s okay. He’s a good man but he doesn’t know you so he won’t have any kind of loyalty towards you.”

“And you haven’t had any problems or anything, because of being out?”

“No. Not since a couple offhand comments by Stabler years ago. Olivia hasn’t told me about anything if anything’s gone bad at the precinct. You should be safe if you want to be out.”

“Good. Good. You’re really okay with this? You don’t think I’m trying to steal your job or anything?”

“It’s not stealing if I abandoned it,” Alex points out. “Rafael, if this is what you want to do, I’m happy. I meant what I said about being your cheerleader.”

“What if I mess up?”

“You’ve been an SVU prosecutor for ten years. If you were going to royally mess up you would have done it by now.”

“Manhattan SVU has more resources, and more attentive detectives, which means more cases to prosecute. Not to mention that your average case gets more press…”

“Since when are you afraid of the press?”

“Alex, I’m serious-”

“So am I. Tell me about the case you’re currently prosecuting.”

“What?”

“Do it. What are you prosecuting, who is it against, and what are your odds?”

“Okay. Sexual abuse in the first. The man I’m prosecuting looks like he just left his buddies at a biker gang, complete with poorly done tattoos and atrocious facial hair. My odds are that the jury sees his ugly face and returns a guilty verdict in one hour flat.”

“That’s how you go into Manhattan SVU.”

“What?”

“You know you’re good. You’re psyching yourself out. But your brain is just screwing with you. What actually is going to happen is that you’re going to go in there, kick ass, and take names.”

“It’s really that simple?”

“Yes. You go. You show them what you can do. You become a legend.”

“As if I’m not already a legend,” Rafael huffs.

“That’s the spirit. Think about it this way: in Manhattan, there are entire legions of criminals who don’t know to be afraid of you yet.”

“I enjoy intimidating people.”

“Exactly.”

“This could be good.”

“This  _ will  _ be  _ great _ .”

“They’re all going to hate me, aren’t they?” Rafael sighs after a moment.

“Oh, I don’t know. Fin still calls you the ‘don’t be so disappointed, Elliot’ guy from that one comment you made when Liv and I first got together, so I think you’ll do fine.”

“Oh come on, that wasn’t even one of my top ten funniest quips.”

“Exactly. You’ll charm their socks off.”

“Or they’ll find me wholly insufferable.”

“Liv’s the unofficial second in command. She’ll take care of you.”

“Protect me from schoolyard bullies?”

“If you want to phrase it like that, sure.”

“That reminds me of elementary school. I once got my face shoved into a wall for trying to impress one of the larger kids with how many digits of pi I knew. They weren’t impressed. Eddie was though, and we’re still friends.”

“See, it will all work out.”

“Thank you, Alex. Consider my ego fully re-inflated.”

“Oh God, what have I unleashed upon the world?” Alex mutters, and Rafael glares at her fondly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, how are we feeling? Excited, I hope.
> 
> Tuesday will be Rafael's first post-episode as the Manhattan SVU ADA. It's the one with the belt incident, so it's bound to be interesting.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


	30. An unconventional tactic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael uses interesting methods to win a case. Alex is concerned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Rafael's first chapter as SVU's ADA! This has some comedy, some drama, and a hint of conflict. Fun times. Also the fact that it's the 30th chapter was not planned, but it was satisfying.

“Hello,  _ Rafi _ ,” Alex says with a too-innocent smile, walking into Rafael’s new office.

“Hello,  _ Alex _ ,” Rafael reponds, eyes narrowing in suspicion. 

“Is there anything you’d like to tell me about work, Rafael?” Alex asks. Rafael blinks.

“Nope.”

“Nothing about how your first case went that you’d like to share with me. Nothing at all.”

“Nothing comes to mind.”

“Court went okay? As in, court was perfectly normal? All through the case?”

“Yep.”

“No overdramatic stunts were pulled?”

“None.”

“No belts were wrapped around any parts of anyone’s body other than the waist?”

“Alex-”

“There were absolutely no calls from Olivia  _ and  _ Rita on my answering machine asking if you had lost your goddamn mind and I had just forgotten to inform them?”

“Well I honestly wouldn’t know about that last thing.”

“ _ Rafael _ .”

“Okay, okay. You win. I let Adam Cain demonstrate his suffocation technique on me for the benefit of the jury,” Rafael admits.

“That’s a very nice way of saying ‘I let a violent rapist put a belt around my neck and pull hard,’” Alex mutters.

“I was never in any danger. I don’t have any marks on my neck, as you can see. You should have seen the victim. What he did to me is a fraction of what he was capable of, and the jury saw that.”

“So your argument is that I shouldn’t be concerned, because a woman who was terrorized by this man had it worse?”

“That’s what I’m going with, yes.”

“You see why that’s a problem?” Alex asks.

“Look. I got a conviction. If I hadn’t done it, I probably wouldn’t have gotten a conviction. That’s all that matters,” Rafael sighs. 

“Winning is most certainly not all that matters, Rafael. You need to keep yourself safe. And part of that is not actively encouraging someone to murder you.”

“You do realize you are one of like three people who care if I live or die, right?” Rafael snaps at her. 

“That’s not true.”

“Yeah, it is. And that’s fine, but it also shows that maybe my primary goal isn’t to keep myself safe. My role in this world isn’t to be a family man, my role is to win cases, to do that through whatever works. And I almost lost my first case out of the gate. I had just landed at Manhattan SVU and I was about to lose, hard. I could feel my case splitting apart. And at that moment, all that mattered was to win. I wasn’t even thinking of myself as a person. I was the means to an end. I’m sure you know the feeling.”

“I understand the impulse Rafael, I’ve taunted my fair share of violent people, but you can’t go that far. I always had a voice in my head telling me what line I couldn’t cross. And the one time I ignored that voice and put the case ahead of my personal safety, I almost died.”

“I don’t have that voice.”

“Clearly.”

“I think you’re making a bigger deal out of this than it is. He was never going to be able to kill me, he was in the middle of a courtroom.”

“That’s arguable, but fine. Let’s say that you’re right. The issue is that you’re going to be in this position again. And again. The media likes to focus on Manhattan SVU because of its closure rates, so the media is only going to get worse. Rita is still going to be there, being Rita, antagonizing you. If your first instinct is to do something dangerous every time you’re in this situation, by the law of large numbers something bad is going to happen to you at some point… and I don’t want that to happen.” Rafael softens slightly at the concern in Alex’s voice.

“It’s not going to be the same, though. This was my first case at Manhattan SVU. I needed to win. I needed to prove myself. I was cold to everyone throughout the entire process, so I needed to show them how invested in this I was. That’s not what I was thinking about the moment I made the call to pull the stunt that I did, but it was the mindset I was in. I promise, I won’t get myself strangled in open court again,” he assures her. 

“You won’t ever need to. Word of ‘Rafael Barba the Belt Man’ is going to be around for decades,” Alex says with a small smile.

“Funny, I always thought I’d go down as ‘Rafael Barba the Suspenders Man.’”

“You can be known for more than one thing.” Alex pauses. “What was Rita’s face like when you started your cross?”

“She was surprised. She wasn’t mad at me, I think she was mad at the judge for not stopping it.”

“What was that judge thinking?”

“Probably ‘I’m incredibly bored by Rita’s mindless lines of questioning, I want to watch a show,’” Rafael guesses.

“You definitely delivered.”

“I’ve never said my dramatic reputation was unearned.”

“One case in and you’re already bound for infamy, you never cease to impress me.”

“Well, I have to keep up with you somehow. How is your new job?”

“Most of it’s cutting deals. Everyone always knows a higher level person, so you have to figure out who’s really worth prosecuting. It’s weird working with Witness Protection on such a professional basis.”

“But everything’s good?”

“As good as it can be with organized crime. It’s not like SVU where you can find the bad guy and go to trial. It’s all about the long game.”

“You’re jaded already?”

“No, I think reality has just started setting in,” Alex sighs.

“Disgusting. I find it’s more fun to avoid reality.”

“Instead you choose to inhabit a realm where getting strangled with a belt is a good idea?”

“Exactly. It’s much more entertaining,” Rafael confirms. Alex laughs. “I think I may have set a record though.”

“Oh?”

“It only took one case for me to require an intervention.”

“I wouldn’t call it an  _ intervention _ , more like a… mental wellness check-in.”

“Did I pass?”

“Did you pass being mentally healthy?”

“I just answered my own question, didn’t I?”

“You did indeed, Rafael.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I would say that Rafael definitely had an interesting start. Two days from now there will be a chapter featuring Rita, so that's hopefully something to look forward to. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	31. A responsibility

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael argues with Rita. Alex attempts backup.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving!!! I hope everyone has a wonderful day.  
> This chapter features the return of Rita. Writing Rita is always fun so hopefully she's fun to read as well.

“Rita’s here to explain herself,” Rafael says as he drags Rita to the Forlini’s table Alex and Olivia are already sitting at. 

“Explain myself? Listen, Saint Rafael, I’m not the one who tried to argue that pedophilia isn’t shameful in front of-”

“Rafael, you did what?” Alex asks.

“We needed to get the medical records of one of the teachers at the school and Miss ‘Explain Myself?’ over here said that doing that would smear the memory of a dead man, so Rafael got… inventive,” Olivia explains.

“So, as you can see, Rita started it,” Rafael finishes. 

“You two should not be allowed in the same room,” Alex sighs. Rita rolls her eyes.

“So I can leave?”

“Not quite. Come sit and explain why exactly we shouldn’t hold the school responsible,” Olivia says.

“Look, this cannot be a legal talk. If I’m here as the school’s lawyer, then I need to call my client and then maybe Rafael and I can talk  _ alone _ ,” Rita clarifies.

“You’re not here as the school’s lawyer, you’re here as our friend. I want to know how you think it’s morally acceptable to try to hide a pattern of sexual abuse,” Alex assures her. Rita squints but sits down.

“Fine. Let’s talk morals. In a perfect world, we should hold institutions responsible for the tragedies that happen on their campus. But legally, it’s just not possible.  _ If _ I concede that the school was negligent, what exactly do you hope to gain? Nothing can be done for the boys who were hurt. The teachers who were abusers are dead or long gone. All you do at this point is force schools to take on a larger expectation than they can meet.”

“I don’t see how that’s a bad thing,” Alex counters. “It should be on the school. When a student tells the administration that they have been abused, you put your resources into helping that student. It doesn’t have to be complicated.”

“That’s rich, coming from you, Cabot. Your first case back from WitSec involved a former witness who had falsely accused his teacher of abuse, as did your last case ever at SVU, so you know as well as I do that these supposed victims don’t always tell the truth.”

“Supposed victims,” Olivia scoffs. “You say that like the vast majority of accusers aren’t telling the truth. And it’s not even just one kid talking about one teacher, it’s over a dozen grown adults reflecting on dozens of teachers. The school was told-”

“The school was in theory told about  _ one  _ teacher,” Rita interrupts. “That hardly a systemic coverup makes. The school can’t be expected to know what’s going on with all of their employees. Should the man who received and discarded that letter resign? Absolutely. But why should we punish an entire infrastructure for the failings of a few individuals?”

“Because it was their job to see, and they failed,” Rafael mutters. Rita turns to him, clearly about to say something, but he cuts her off. “They had knowledge one of their students was being abused. By a teacher no less. Once that happens, the onus is on them. It’s their job to figure out what’s going on and who they need to help. It’s their job as guardians of those students to make sure they get what they need. It’s their job to find the truth.” Rafael stops momentarily and sighs heavily. “Because you will live and die waiting for an abused kid to tell you anything on his own.” There’s a long pause. 

“But that’s not a legal argument,” Rita says quietly, almost gently.

“Goddamn it, Rita, I never said it was. We’ve been talking about morals. Morally, they’re bankrupt. I’m going after them with what I can within the law, but they should be on the hook for so much more,” Rafael hisses. Olivia looks at Alex curiously. Alex keeps her expression neutral. 

“Agreed,” Alex says. Rita nods curtly.

“It’s a job,” she says with a shrug. Olivia gives her a side-eye but says nothing.

“I know that, Rita, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought you here to be lectured, I know you don’t need that,” Rafael apologizes with a tired look on his face. “It’s just been a long week and I didn’t even fully know why I was so mad at you until right now.”

“I’m sorry too. I genuinely hate these cases, I want you all to know that,” Rita responds. 

“Someone has to do it,” Olivia says. Rita smiles. That’s all she’s going to get, and she knows it. 

“Well, let me at least try to make it up to you. Drinks are on me tonight,” Rita says, patting Rafael on the back. Alex nods at her and Olivia smirks. 

“You know, I make a lot of fun of cops, but you aren’t so bad,” Rita says to Olivia several hours later. 

“I make a lot of fun of defense attorneys, and you’re exactly what I describe,” Olivia retorts. Rita laughs, downing the rest of her drink.

“I like this one, Cabot,” Rita says to Alex, pointing at Olivia. “You should keep her.”

“Did you miss the part where you’re invited to our wedding?” Alex asks, one eyebrow raised. 

“Oh, right. Rafi has to give a  _ speech _ ,” Rita laughs. Rafael glares at her.

“I’m already on my third draft. It is excellent,” Rafael brags.

“It’s really not. I revised the second draft,” Rita informs the table with a wink. Rafael freezes as Alex leans in. 

“Oh?” she asks.

“100%. Something about how you’ve made his life infinitely better and given him the hope and courage he’s needed to accomplish-” Rita recites.

“That’s enough!” Rafael mutters, glowering. 

“I knew you cared about me,” Alex assures him. “That will surprise no one.”

“I know that. But sometimes detectives come here. I don’t want them overhearing. I didn’t plan for them to know I have emotions for at least another three months.”

“I think the game was up somewhere around the point you risked your safety in a bizarre stunt involving a belt,” Olivia informs him. Rita laughs.

“I called it,” she tells Alex and Olivia. “I  _ said _ to him ‘Rafael, any serious reputation you’ve managed to maintain has been irrevocably destroyed.’”

“I thought it was badass of me,” Rafael grumbles.

“Oh, it was,” Olivia assures him. “But us detectives have very long memories and we watched you scream ‘You call that domination? Dominate me!’ with a belt around your neck.”

“Fuck.”

“Oh, don’t worry Rafi, you’ll always have us for friends who think you’re cool,” Alex laughs.

“That is not the consolation you think it is.”

“What are you talking about? We are excellent friends,” Rita retorts. “Or at least I am. I just bought you several drinks.”

“You bought me several drinks because you’re defending a horrible school that facilitated decades of abuse,” Rafael reminds her. 

“Please, let’s not discuss this again,” Alex pleads.

“Alex is right, we’re too drunk for complex moral discussion,” Olivia confirms. 

“My concern is that we’ll get kicked out if we make too much noise, and Rafael here is clearly not drunk enough if he can still use words like ‘facilitated’ and the overly long sentences he favors,” Rita says.

“So you’re getting us more alcohol?” Alex asks.

“As long as you promise not to vomit on my shoes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a pretty straightforward post-episode, but I have to stick to traditional format for a little bit before ditching it almost entirely with Alex's wedding. 
> 
> Now, for a shameless pitch of one of my other stories: Here for Cabenson? Like my dialogue and/or writing style but wish I'd focus more on the relationships? Enjoy the 5+1 format and romantic fluff? Well then, I suggest "The Best Made Plans," the story I published earlier today. It's actually in the same universe as this story so it could work as a nice companion piece. It's definitely a different format since usually I don't write that much romantic dialogue, but I think it turned out okay. It's also the first SVU story I've written that only features one ship (gasp), so check it out!  
> Now, for a shameless promo of something I plan to write within the next few weeks: Barisi Hanukkah fluff. That's kind of it so far. There isn't nearly enough Hanukkah fluff in this fandom (I have yet to find any for either Cabenson or Barisi), so I'm going to make some. My official statement is that Hanukkah is an excellent holiday, I'm dissatisfied with Jewish representation in SVU, and I can make Rafael Jewish if I want to. That story will be released at some point during Hanukkah (December 10th-18th) so look out for it if you're here for Barisi. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	32. A flower selection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael comes out to the squad. Alex finishes up wedding planning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to another chapter featuring a pretty straight-forward post-episode conversation and also some more of my absolutely very subtle and definitely impossible to detect foreshadowing. See if you can catch it.

“Are you doing okay?” Alex asks, putting a hand on Rafael’s shoulder as he sits down on the stool next to her. 

“This one… was difficult,” Rafael sighs, smiling at her tiredly.

“But you’re okay?”

“I got a murder conviction.”

“I know a dodgy answer when I hear one.”

“It was rough for a long stretch. Usually with crimes specifically against gay men you at least get the satisfaction of destroying the racist, straight, white man who perpetually reeks of beer and cigarette smoke or the entitled white teenager taught that he is above the law, and I didn’t get either with this one. I did my job, I did it well, I still hold more than enough anger for the guilty party but this case was just brutal.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It made me feel better, even after I went through the various transcripts of the victims, to know that I have a speech to practice for my friend’s gay wedding,” Rafael says, smiling at Alex. She smiles back at him.

“Glad I could help.”

“I helped Liv with flower arrangements. We had a couple hours off and we were both fighting off exhaustion. I needed it, just going over colorful flowers with my friend. I did very productive work after it, of course-”

“You, like all people, need a break eventually, Rafi.”

“That’s what Liv said.”

“Was everyone else okay? I remember prosecuting crimes against gay people with Stabler and how I would almost always hear some bigoted thing that I would be tempted to hit him over the head for.”

“They were fine. Everyone was respectful. I think Fin was thinking about his son in-law. I wasn’t really paying attention though. I was thinking about myself.”

“I really am so sorry, Rafael.”

“I came out to the squad. Yesterday. When we were celebrating. I mean, I was never really in the closet. Anyone who did any digging could find evidence that I’ve had boyfriends or at least lacked girlfriends, but it still felt significant. I’ve never done that before. Formally come out to my coworkers. Usually they just figure it out.”

“I take it that since Liv hasn’t been charged with assault that it went okay?”

“It did. No one was really surprised. I got a couple of pats on the back and sympathetic facial expressions. And then Olivia announced that the next round was on her and everyone went back to what they were doing.”

“That sounds painless.”

“It was painless. I think it was exactly what I was hoping for. No one treats me differently, as far as I can tell. Rollins and Amaro are being just as disdainful.”

“Trouble with the squad already? You really are fast.”

“I don’t think the newer detectives like me very much. That’s fine. None of us are paid to like each other.”

“They’re the new guys. Who cares what they think?”

“Well, technically, I’m the new guy.”

“Oh, true. Still though, I could understand if they were Fin, John, or Olivia and were used to me but you’ve been their ADA for almost as long as I was.”

“Well with Rollins I’m pretty sure it’s just a regional thing. She just moved up from Atlanta and I’m pretty sure that everything about me screams ‘has never lived south of New York.’ I think Amaro just doesn’t like anybody.”

“Neither of those statements seem inaccurate.”

“It is interesting though, watching Rollins and Amaro… interact.”

“Is there drama?”

“You can’t get this from Olivia?”

“She gets all ‘thin blue line’ on me whenever I ask questions about the squad. Gossip with me.”

“There could be drama in the future.”

“Oh, come on.”

“What? I can’t invent drama I don’t know exists,” Rafael protests. “To my best knowledge nothing has happened between them yet. If I hear different, you will know.

“That’s all I ask.”

“So, what about you? I imagine the woman who was formerly Alexandra Cabot has since been possessed by the wedding planner from hell.”

“I’m a very reasonable woman. Sure, I negotiated the hell out of my contracts, but it’s not like I have three backup plans for any unfortunate situations that might arise.”

“Okay, so how many backup plans do you have for any possible situation?”

“Two. That’s a perfectly respectable number.”

“Wedding. Planner. From. Hell.”

“You were literally just talking about how thinking about my wedding brought you great joy.”

“Okay,  _ great joy _ was never said. I said it made me feel marginally better. Lots of things make me feel marginally better. Scotch, for example. And coffee.”

“See, you think you just insulted me, but what I just heard is that you gain equivalent amounts of happiness from thinking about my wedding and coffee.”

“Well, first of all, your assumption is flawed. My statement contained no information about my  _ relative  _ enjoyment of things, just that I did enjoy them. Very little means as much to me as coffee does. Second of all, 95% of my happiness is because I got a new suit for the occasion, and I’m excited to wear it.”

“You got a new suit just for my wedding?” Alex asks. “You see, Rafael, you keep trying to be dismissive but saying nice things instead.”

“You ask for the wedding party to match our clothes to the color scheme, I deliver,” Rafael says, lifting his chin. Alex smiles warmly at him.

“Speaking of the color scheme, what flowers did you pick out with Olivia?”

“Pretty ones.”

“Specifics, Rafa, please.”

“I don’t know! Nice flowers! They were pretty.”

“You have no idea what kind they are?”

“They had big petals.”

“I swear to God, when you ask me to help plan your wedding, I’m going to be just as unhelpful.”

“Bold of you to assume I’ll ever get married.”

“I have every confidence that you can do whatever you want.”

“Alexandra, this conversation is the first time I’ve talked to anyone outside of work in four days. Where exactly would I meet someone?”

“I don’t know. At Forlini’s if I cancel on you. Attending a charity event for your mom’s school. Harvard Law School 15 year reunion. Work.”

“Work?” Rafael sputters. “Who exactly will I date from work? One of the unis?”

“Maybe! Who knows? I’m just brainstorming.”

“You’re activating my gag reflex, is what you’re doing.”

“You still have one of those after working at SVU?” Alex snorts. “Amateur.” Rafael smirks at her.

“You’re definitely in a state.”

“Honestly, when I got here I was prepared for this night to be miserable. And then you were a lot better than I expected. And then you said I had something to do with that, in a roundabout way. So I’m in a pretty good mood.”

“I was expecting to be miserable. But the man responsible is in prison and I put him there. And I am safely out and working closely with one of my best friends. So I’m not miserable right now. I know that sounds like nothing, but for me, that’s really something.”

“I get it.” Alex orders another round of drinks. When they arrive, she raises hers. “To being not miserable.”

“To being not miserable.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is Alex's wedding, so that's exciting. In the words of Rita from last chapter, "Rafi has to give a speech."
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	33. A wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael gives a speech. Alex gets married.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to a milestone chapter! This one is pretty much just pure solid fluff and I love that about it. It's also a prime example of how my dialogue tends to skew towards either "entirely platonic" or "the corniest stuff imaginable" since this one is pretty (read: incredibly) corny. If you liked my Thanksgiving story this is right up your alley.  
> I'm very excited to post this wedding chapter. It seems like just a week ago when I posted about Alex first reflecting on her crush on Olivia.

_ It’s speech time _ . Rafael’s got this. He knows he has this. He knows he has this because even if he forgets his speech he can just say what he thinks. He’ll get stupidly emotional, but this is one of a select few types of speeches where that is actually appropriate. He hears himself being called up and takes another look at Alex. She’s standing there in a gorgeous white dress next to Olivia in a similarly beautiful dress, and she hasn’t stopped smiling for hours. 

_ “Rafael! Come in here! I need some advice,” Alex calls from her dressing room. Rafael rushes in. _

_ “Everything okay?” Rafael figures that if Alex had done something such as spilling something all over her dress she would sound more frantic, but it never hurts to be on one’s guard. _

_ “Glasses or no glasses?” Alex asks, holding up a pair of silvery glasses to her face.  _

_ “Alex, the ceremony starts in ten minutes.” _

_ “I’m aware of that, Rafael. I’ve been going back and forth for weeks. I figured once the day arrived I would instinctively know, but I don’t. So, I’ll ask again. Glasses or no glasses?” _

_ “Glasses,” Rafael decides.  _

_ “Why?” _

_ “They’re your trademark. Besides, the special kind that you bought goes well with the silvery accents of the dress.” _

_ “You’re sure?” _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “100% positive?” _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “Seriously?” _

_ “Alex, we’ve had an argument in this style before. I was right then and I’m right now. Wear the glasses. Olivia will love them.” _

__ Rafael steps into position. He finds his abuelita in the crowd. She claps for him lightly and he smiles at her. He can do this. 

“So, first of all, I’d like to congratulate Alex and Olivia on getting married. I’m so happy for you both of you and so proud to be your friend.

“A lot of you probably don’t know that the first time I sat down to draft this speech, Alex and Olivia legally couldn’t get married. That’s because the first time that Alex told me she was planning on proposing was almost ten years ago. And over the course of the almost twelve years, give or take, since they first got together, I’ve watched them give what could be a master class on how to form a long-lasting bond. Alex and Olivia have endured tragedy and conflict, but through it all they’ve always supported each other, and loved each other. They are the closest thing to true love I’ve ever seen. When I heard gay marriage had been legalized in New York, I didn’t think about me. I thought about them.”

_ Rafael tries valiantly not to be emotional when it comes time for Alex and Olivia to give their vows.  _

_ Alex and Olivia stand in front of the small crowd, everyone watching them intently, but Rafael is quite sure that neither of them notice. The officiant informs the crowd that the brides have decided to write their own vows, and signals Olivia to go first. _

_ “Okay, Al, you know that I’m not really a wordy person but here goes nothing: you are what makes my life good. You are what gives me the strength to get through everything and keep fighting. You make my life more. That sounds vague but that’s because what you did was big. I used to only focus on broad principles, on black and white, and you give me color. You make me excited to leave work at the end of the day because you make me happy. And I promise to spend the rest of my life trying to return the favor, and make you happy, because you’re the best person I’ve ever met and the person I love more than anything.” _

_ Alex wipes tears from her face, and smiles radiantly at Olivia before taking a deep breath and starting to speak. “I don’t think it will surprise you to know that I had a lot of difficulty narrowing down what I actually wanted to say, because I could say a lot. Firstly, I just want to thank you for making me a better person. You make me work harder, but you also make my life easier. Every day feels brighter because I know that my day will have you in it. You glow. I love you, and I always will. Every time I look at you it just becomes more clear that you are my happy ending. So I promise to be by your side, through everything, forever.” _

_ The officiant pauses, and Alex squeezes Olivia’s hand. Looking out over the audience, the officiant declares, “You may now kiss the bride!” _

“Alex, you are the best friend I’ve ever had. From the moment you entered my life, you made my life better. You’ve been there for me, and you didn’t ask for anything in return, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully communicate how much that meant and the time and how much it continues to mean. 

“Furthermore, for all the time I’ve known you, you’ve never given anything less than your entire self in order to make the world a better place. You have this talent to make things better on a large level and on a small level simultaneously, and you amaze me. You face down evil constantly and fearlessly and yet you always have the time to be there when those around you need you. You are the kind of person that full grown adults want to be when they grow up. Not to mention, you are one of the few people in this world who I believe can match my stunning wit.” Alex laughs and Olivia rolls her eyes. Rafael is immensely pleased with the response. He briefly wishes he had included more jokes.

_ “There are too many jokes in this,” Rita informs him, tossing his speech back to him after barely scanning it. _

_ “It’s a best man speech. There are supposed to be jokes.” _

_ “This isn’t a stand-up comedy set. It’s a speech for Alex Cabot, your best friend.” _

_ “I know that,” Rafael retorts defensively.  _

_ “I know you do,” Rita sighs. “It’s just that this is exactly what people are expecting. People are expecting you to go up there and be Mr. Smooth Talking ADA. But from what you’ve told me that’s not who you want to be in this speech. So cut the jokes, except for maybe the one about your wit, because people are going to think you’re having a stroke if you aren’t arrogant at least once, and tell Alex and Olivia how you actually feel.” _

_ “You’re right.” _

_ “Say that again.” _

_ “Never.” _

“When you first dramatically confessed your love for a detective you worked with to me, my first thought was ‘who is this woman, and what the hell could she possibly do to deserve someone like you?’

“Olivia, to your credit, you answered my question clearly and expertly. You’re one of the most principled people I’ve ever met. You’re courageous, and resilient, and kind. You’re a natural leader, but you’ve never felt the need to be aloof. I have enough self-awareness to acknowledge that this is a quality I’ve never possessed. I can’t think of a better person to marry my best friend. I wish you the best of luck.

“Alex and Olivia, you are two of the most intelligent, bravest, and loveliest people I’ve ever met. And you make me feel hopeful that real love exists. So thank you for giving me this opportunity to speak, and congratulations from the bottom of my heart.” Rafael smiles as he walks back to his seat. He makes eye contact with Alex, who smiles and places her hands on her heart. Rafael nods at her as she mouths ‘thank you.’

_ “My wedding is in two days,” Alex says absentmindedly to Rafael as they bid farewell to the last of the few friends Rafael had invited to Alex’s Bachelorette Party (complete with no strippers, as promised).  _

_ “True.” _

_ “What if it rains?” _

_ “Your wedding is inside.” _

_ “But what if it rains, and that causes traffic delays, and the food and cake don’t get here in time? Not to mention if it rains it will be dreary on my wedding day, and people will be in a bad mood, and what if people decide it’s just not worth attending?” _

_ “You don’t think people will attend just to see me debase myself by being emotional in public?” _

_ “I’m being serious.” _

_ “You shouldn’t be. Who are you worried about not attending? Rita? It will take more than a little rain to keep Rita away. I’ve seen her trek across campus in the middle of a snow storm just to loudly lecture me when she knew I had a hangover. Are you worried about the detectives? They won’t risk pissing off Liv, and I’m pretty sure people who work 80 hours a week just to solve a case don’t get discouraged easily. Everyone else loves you. Your wedding is going to be incredible, even if it happens in the middle of a thunderstorm.” _

_ “Thank you, I needed to hear that.” _

_ “Don’t worry about it.” _

“This is excellent cake,” Rafael says to Alex as she walks over to him. 

“Sometimes you are entirely predictable,” Alex laughs, watching as Rafael takes another large bite. 

“That’s unfortunate, I pride myself on my mysterious reputation.”

“Well I suppose you need some sort of intimidating facade since your cold-hearted reputation just flew out the window,” Alex considers. “Thank you for the speech. It was beautiful, and it meant a lot.”

“I’m sorry there weren’t a lot of jokes. There were jokes in the draft but Rita insisted-”

“Rafi, it was perfect,” Alex assures him. Rafael relaxes and smiles brightly at her.

“Anything I can do to be a good Manservant of Honor, Mrs. Cabot-Benson.”

“You were the greatest Manservant of Honor. The greatest,” Alex says, pulling Rafael into a hug. He drops his cake in surprise. 

“The cake,” he mourns once Alex releases him. 

“Do you know what the best part of being one of the brides is?” Alex asks.

“What?”

“I can just take more cake for you without having to ask permission.” 

Rafael laughs as Alex walks off. He sees her go in search of the cake, but instead finding Olivia and wrapping her arms around her wife’s waist. Rafael smirks and tries his best to clean up the spill. It was sweet of Alex to joke that the best part of getting married was the cake, but it was blatantly a lie, and he knows he won’t be getting a replacement piece anytime soon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're married! Yay!  
> Also this chapter is one of my favorite examples of the "Rafael has a lot more emotions than the other characters give him credit for" theme. It will become even more of a theme later on as we face Alex Muñoz, Abuelita's death, and, more happily, Sonny's entrance to the story. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	34. A scheme

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael confronts Alex about a plan. Alex debates vigilantism.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's going to be a pretty standard post-episode. It's also on the shorter side, but in my defense it's sandwiched between two of the longest chapters in the entire story.  
> This chapter is also the closest I really come to including Alex's vigilantism. She sympathizes with it and doesn't oppose it, but she doesn't have time to participate. Curse SVU writers for taking Rafael off the show only like six episodes before Alex returned because we might have actually been able to see them talk.

“Please,  _ please _ , tell me that you, my best friend, did not plot to subvert the law with Olivia and Rita. I need at least one friend that isn’t actively trying to flummox the court system,” Rafael begs.

“Sit down, Rafi. Have a drink.”

“I feel like that’s how an alarming number of villainous monologues start.”

“Exactly how many villainous monologues have been directed at you?”

“Alex, please. Just tell me if you were involved.”

“There was absolutely nothing to be involved with. Avery was given advice. She ignored it. She ran. No one knows where she is. It would be tragic if it weren’t the best possible outcome for her after that ruling.”

“So you were involved.”

“Well if Olivia was in theory part of the nonexistent thing you are mentioning, then yes. Because Olivia and I are married now. We share everything, including nonexistent schemes.”

“I’m not going to tell anyone. It was necessary, what you did. I wish you would have just talked to me. I would have helped.”

“In theory if we did arrange it, we wouldn’t have wanted to get you involved. There would have been no need. Olivia would be savvy enough to organize the whole thing, Rita has contacts with the private jet company, and I have experience with starting a new life in a completely different place where you don’t know anyone.”

“So because you were in witness protection you agreed to help break the law.”

“I didn’t do anything, but I would. She needed to get out, and I have the skills that would help her get out.”

“Alex, we can’t condone vigilantism.”

“Actually, I can. In these cases, I absolutely can.”

“We’re prosecutors, Alex. We uphold the law.”

“And that means we can’t have principles? Rafi, if I participated in this scheme I wasn’t using my AUSA Cabot badge, I was using the things that I’ve learned, as a person, because my wife asked me to and because it was the right thing to do.”

“The judge ruled-”

“I know what the judge ruled. I also know that the judge ruled that way because you couldn’t get a conviction and because of that she couldn’t rule the way she wanted to. And when the justice system fails, there has to be a safety net. There has to be a way for people to escape. I’m not saying we should murder Purcell, though God knows I wouldn’t mourn him, I am saying that if possible, we have a moral, not a legal, obligation to protect Avery.”

“So this is my fault. Because I failed you, Rita, and Olivia decided to play super spy.”

“No, Rafael, this is Purcell’s fault. You put up a good fight, but that wasn’t enough this time. And too often we can’t help people after we fail in the legal arena, and all prosecutors will fail at some point, but this time I could. I could help. Are you honestly going to look me in the face and tell me that the scheme, if there was a scheme, was wrong?”

Rafael stares at her, before finally looking at the ceiling.

“No.”

“I thought so.”

“I don’t like the idea that there needs to be a whole separate system apart from the legal system. That our laws are that broken.”

“It was one plane ride.”

“We both know it’s not just one plane ride. Maybe it was one plane ride for you, Rita, and Olivia. But globally, it’s more than that.”

“It’s possible.”

“We’ve both dealt with the domestic violence systems that give survivors new identities. You never participated?”

“I wanted to. I’m pretty sure my supervisor at the shelter I volunteered at was involved, but I just never had the time.”

“You did good work with what you did there.” Alex smiles at the warm expression that crosses Rafael’s face for a moment.

“I know. I just felt like there was always something more to do.”

"I understand."

“I’m glad.”

“What?”

“I’m glad someone did something after I failed so miserably. I came in here convinced that I was mad, but I’m not. I’m just embarrassed and guilty. This shouldn’t have been necessary. Avery shouldn’t have had to leave the country and you and Olivia shouldn’t have had to put yourselves at risk. I should have been able to do my job. I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“It absolutely was. If I had just gotten the conviction, refuted that bullshit theory a little bit better, I could have prevented all of this. And instead I let you clean up my mess. Like always.”

“What does ‘like always’ mean?” Alex asks quietly. 

“You know what it means,” Rafael snaps. 

“I know you won’t believe me when I tell you you’re wrong, but you are.”

“I wanted to win this one. I  _ should  _ have won this one.”

“I agree that you should have. But it’s the jury’s fault, not yours.”

“It’s my job to make the jury see what I see, and I couldn’t do it.”

“Rafael, all it takes is one anti-choice juror looking for a reason to believe that rape victims shouldn’t have bodily autonomy.”

“Then I should have caught it in voir dire.”

“How could you? You didn’t know what Purcell was going to pull.”

“So your argument is that I shouldn’t have accounted for getting beaten by a scumbag representing himself.”

“No, Rafa, my argument is that you aren’t God. You’re going to lose, worse than you did, and it’s going to suck. But that doesn’t mean that you aren’t capable.”

“I feel like I put people I love at risk through my failure.”

“You didn’t. We made our own choices. You know, hypothetically, if something actually happened. Which it didn’t.”

“You know, if you ever actually get questioned, you need to get better at your denials.”

“My denials of what?”

“That’s better.”

“You know, Rafi, you should come on board one of these days, if you’re so good at denials.”

“I thought I would have just been dead weight.”

“Oh, I don’t know, you could be the funny guy. Rita’s the brains, Olivia’s the beauty, obviously, I’m the brawn-”

“You’re the brawn?”

“I can be scary. Anyway, you’d be the funny one. Like if we capture someone or when you get arrested you can make everyone laugh at really inopportune times.”

“Wait, why do  _ I _ get arrested?”

“See, I knew that would be your objection, not that we would hypothetically be capturing someone. You’re a natural.”

“There’s nothing to be a natural at. I thought you weren’t doing vigilantism.”

“I’m not.”

“There was no scheme.”

“Absolutely no scheme”

“Avery Jordan decided to get on the plane by herself,” Rafael says slowly, making direct eye contact with Alex. She smiles briefly before nodding.

“Of course.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A warning to the numerous people who have commented their trepidation over William Lewis: The William Lewis storyline is next. It's the length of almost two standard chapters and includes short scenes from each William Lewis-related episode. After that William Lewis will not be discussed that much.
> 
> An update on other story plans: I now have a more concrete format for the Barisi Hanukkah fluff. It will be eight chapters each with about 700 words. One chapter will be released on each evening of Hanukkah. It will cover four Hanukkah events hosted by Rafael, with two chapters an event (one event per season Rafael and Sonny are in together), and one chapter will be from Sonny's perspective while the other will be from Rafael's.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


	35. An enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the William Lewis chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is. The William Lewis chapter. I'm foregoing the traditional summary style because what each character is doing varies between each mini-chapter.
> 
> Trigger warning: discussions of violence (not really more than the episodes themselves but it's still a little darker than most chapters)

“Can I stay with you?” Alex asks Rafael numbly, sitting in a chair in one of the interview rooms, watching Rollins leave.

“What?”

“My apartment is a crime scene. I can’t go home. I don’t want to rent a hotel room until this is done. Can I stay with you?”

“O-of course,” Rafael says. “I-I didn’t think you’d want to.”

“You’re pretty much the only person I’m close enough with to ask, you know, other than Olivia.”

“Okay.”

“I should have been home,” Alex almost whispers. “I should have been home and instead I decided to stay late to finish a brief. I should have helped her.”

“Alex-”

“Now she’s gone. He might have killed her already. I should have been there-”

“Alex. Lewis would have killed you and made her watch.” Alex’s gaze jumps to Rafael, her eyes wide and sad. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“I should have been home sooner. By staying away I pretty much gave him a head start.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Our apartment smells like cigarette smoke. I don’t smoke. Olivia doesn’t smoke. From what Olivia told me, Lewis doesn’t smoke either, he uses the-”

“Don’t think about that,” Rafael says softly. “You can’t think about that right now.”

“What should I think about? How he’s probably got her tied up in the back of a car somewhere force-feeding her drugs? Or maybe he’s already reached the secondary location he always takes his captives before he kills-” Alex chokes out, a tear falling down her face. 

“Think about how relieved you’ll be when you see her again,” Rafael advises. Alex takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. After a while, a hint of a smile crosses her face.

“Did it work?” Rafael asks. He can’t imagine anything he says right now working, but stranger things have happened.

“Your advice? No,” Alex says curtly, wiping at her face. “I was imagining shoving a red-hot poker through William Lewis’ eyes.” Rafael flinches. “Don’t give me that face, Rafael. I fully intend to do it if Olivia doesn’t make it.” Rafael considers this and sighs heavily. He sits down next to Alex and tentatively squeezes her shoulder.

“If Olivia doesn’t make it, I’ll alibi you.”

\---

“Olivia’s back at work,” Rafael states when Alex stops by his office.

“I know. She wanted to come back sooner, and that was the one real fight we’ve had over the last couple months.”

“So… she’s okay?” Rafael asks. Alex looks hesitant. “Not a word of this goes to Cragen. I swear.”

“She’s actually doing really well, for someone who went through what she did. I mean, she sleeps through the night some nights, and the nightmares seem less violent. She’s still hypervigilant but she didn’t almost punch me in the face when I startled her like she did a month ago. It’s a process, but she’s taking recovery very seriously. I think it helps that we’re moving.”

“That’s… good. I’m glad. I was worried.”

“Yeah. It’s been… difficult,” Alex says, eyes fixing on Rafael’s pencil cup. She’s not sure how to properly articulate how the past couple months have been. The powerlessness she felt, incapable of helping as her wife repeatedly woke up each night with intense nightmares for over a week. The feeling of walking on eggshells, taking care not to frighten Olivia in any way. Refusing to admit that she is scared of what Olivia might do if fight or flight kicks in. Alex would never say anything, would never even consider leaving, but it’s been hard. Every time she thinks about her own emotions, she hates herself. Because Olivia went through so much worse it’s incomparable. But Rafael looks like he understands, with a sympathetic half smile on his face.

“I can’t imagine,” he says. Alex nods. 

“We’re doing better though. A lot better. We’re going to make it. Her individually, us together. I know it.”

“Good. That’s good. You’re moving?”

“Yeah. We’ve been saving money for a while. We were planning to move somewhere larger and start the adoption process, but that’s on hold. For now at least.”

“A change of scenery should be good.”

“If only for the housewarming party,” Alex says with a small smile. “I know I like to plan things but I think just having an event to celebrate something that isn’t just temporary victory over the forces of evil would help everyone.”

“Let me know when you schedule that. I got a guy that can get me some great pans.”

“I’ll keep you in mind.”

\---

Rafael isn’t really sure how long he’s been standing in front of the courthouse. He imagines he’ll remain here for a while. Maybe if he collapses he’ll get a nice sedative that will knock him out for a few hours. Maybe that rest will help him figure out exactly how he’s supposed to face his best friend right now. He turns and he sees Alex walking towards him. He freezes. He can’t do this yet. He doesn’t have a plan. Alex doesn’t seem to notice his distress, and keeps coming closer.

“Alex, I understand if you never want to speak to me again. I won’t be mad,” he says. Alex’s brow furrows in confusion.

“Rafael-”

“I am so sorry, Alex. I don’t know how I can make this up to you, but I want to try. Ask me for anything, and I’ll do it, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” Rafael trails off, turning his back to Alex and wiping at his eyes. He failed her. He had let Lewis walk out before Lewis kidnapped Olivia, and now Rafael couldn’t get a conviction on what happened after. What happened because of him. He couldn’t get a conviction for Olivia, for  _ Liv,  _ his friend, whose wedding he spoke at. He couldn’t help Alex, who had helped him in his darkest moments, had made him feel like he was worth something, even though clearly that was objectively false. He couldn’t help Alex, who’s still looking at him with  _ compassion _ . 

“Rafael, I-”

“I had one job. To get that bastard for everything I possibly could. To help avenge my friends and get justice. That was my role. That was the one thing being asked of me. And I failed. You needed me and I let you down.”

“Rafael, I came here to say thank you.”

“...Wh-what?”

“I’m not going to lie, I was angry when the verdict was returned. But not at you. At the jury and how even in this day and age a fucking serial killer can avoid a sex crimes charge because people don’t want to believe the truth. Olivia was upset, but not at you. You did everything you could. William Lewis is a sociopath. He’s charming. He’s charming and he has readily apparent brain damage. I couldn’t have gotten better convictions. Nor would I have tried, I would have just finished the job for Olivia.”

“You… you don’t hate me?”

“Of course not.” Rafael blinks at her, his eyes wide.

“I failed you.”

“You didn’t.” Rafael says nothing, still watching her, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Alex sighs, takes him by the arm, and leads him to a bench. “You did everything you could to help us, Rafi. I know that and Liv knows that, even if you don’t know that. You don’t have to do anything to make it up to us. I promise.” Rafael lets out a shaky breath. The sky isn’t falling. His friend doesn’t hate him. He sits there for a moment, taking deep breaths and trying to convince himself he deserves the kindness Alex is handing him. He replays their conversation and eventually something sticks out to him. Alex mentioned she would have finished the job. 

“So… she did? Beat him?”

“Anything she said to me falls under spousal privilege and anything I tell you that she told me is hearsay.”

“I know. Besides, it’s not like I hold any sympathy for him. I was on board with the hot poker idea.” Rafael pauses. “I just wish I could have done more. I wish Olivia could have seen the jury recognize what she had gone through. I wish I could have given her that.”

“You fought hard for us, Rafael. We won’t forget that. Ever. I promise.” Rafael nods at her, swallowing to alleviate the lump in his throat.

“It’s over,” he tells her with a small smile. “She got through the trial. He’s in prison. She’s safe.”

\---

“I’m going to kill him,” Alex says quietly, pacing around Rafael’s office. “I’m going to buy a gun on the street from the first person who will sell one to me and I’m going to shoot him. It’s the only way he’ll leave Olivia alone.”

“Alex-”

“It was done! He was in prison. How could he have escaped?  _ How _ ? And why? Why Olivia? It’s… it’s not fair. She survived. She was doing better.  _ It’s not fair _ .”

“You’re right.”

“I know I’m right. What I also know is that he’ll never stop. This will never end. Not unless I watch him die with my own two eyes. So I’m just going to do it. I’m going to kill him. And I don’t care if I spend the rest of my life in prison. Nothing matters unless Olivia is safe.”

“Alex, please. You can’t tell me these things.”

“Why? Because you’re going to testify against me? I don’t care.”

“Olivia will care.”

“Rafael, she’s probably dead.” Alex stops then. She stops talking, she stops pacing. Rafael stills as well, making eye contact with her.

“Alex, she’s not dead. Everything we know about William Lewis tells us that she’s not dead. She’s not in any mortal danger, not really, until we find the body of the girl. And even then, we have hours.”

“I shouldn’t be happy thinking that a teenage girl is going to die first,” Alex says numbly.

“And I shouldn’t be happy that none of his schemes to hurt Olivia have involved hurting you.”

“ _ Yet _ ,” Alex amends. “None of his plans have involved me  _ yet _ . We both know that if the police capture him he’ll stay alive. He might escape again.”

“It seems wrong to hope that Olivia finishes the job,” Rafael sighs.

“It does,” Alex agrees. “But here we are.”

\---

“I’m sorry, they’re what?” Alex screeches, eyes wide and flashing with anger.

“They’re saying that they think Olivia shot Lewis, and they’re going to interrogate her at IAB.”

“No. That’s not what they’re doing. Because if that’s what they’re doing, I’m going to rip out their spines and use them as a fucking belt,” Alex snarls, getting up from the couch and retreating to the hallway to collect her purse. “I’m going down there.”

“That’s really not a good idea-”

“I don’t give a fuck. I’m her wife and her lawyer and I’m going down there.”

“Alex, you can’t.”

“And why can’t I, Rafael? Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t make hamburger meat out of Lt. Tucker and whatever slimy, pathetic excuse for an ADA they have down there?”

“Because you’ll walk in there and you’ll say something like that. Or worse, you’ll say something along the lines of ‘I’m glad he’s dead’ or ‘he deserved everything he got’ that will only make Olivia look more guilty. And the best thing for her right now is for all this to be handled quickly.”

“So what do I do? Stay at home like a useless sack of clay?”

“You call Rita.”

“What?”

“Rita lives and breathes to eviscerate the NYPD, and she likes Olivia. She’s also, in her normal state, almost as vicious as you would be right now in terms of the law, and she has her cool facade that you couldn’t fake right now for five million dollars.”

“You’re right.”

“I’m always right.”

“I’ll call Rita.”

“Good.”

“I  _ hate  _ this.”

“So do I. If it’s any consolation, after this is all done I will take you, Olivia, and Rita out for drinks at Forlini’s, I will get Rita hilariously drunk on martinis, and then get her to recount the entire struggle in detail. It will be a spectacle.”

“That sounds nice,” Alex says weakly. Rafael nods. Alex puts her purse down and gets out her phone. Rafael leaves the room, going to the kitchen to see if he can scrounge lunch together. He’s not much of a cook, but a peanut butter and jelly sandwich shouldn’t be too difficult. When he returns, with the two sandwiches, Alex looks a little calmer.

“Everything okay?”

“Rita was already on her way down when I called her.”

“It’s really going to be okay, Alex. We’ll keep her safe.”

“I wish I could believe that, Rafael.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You survived! That's officially over and you won't have to deal with it again.  
> I wish I could tell you you've earned some nice fluff next time around but we're sticking with angst (Alex Muñoz chapter is next) so Rafael is going to continue to feel like garbage. Next chapter will be more mental anguish/tragic backstory stuff as opposed to whatever the William Lewis chapter counts as though, so that's good.


	36. A tale of two Alexes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael loses a friend. Alex attends a political fundraiser.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3,000 hits!!! Thank you so much, I love you all.  
> It's actually quite fortuitous that there is a milestone this time because this chapter is one of my favorites. I'm very sorry for the one-two punch of angst, but I figured I haven't done a good old-fashioned "Rafael experiences emotional turmoil" chapter since Alex's "death," so it's overdue.   
> I'm also quite pleased with the chapter title.

Alex wishes she could hate these events. She really should; they are every bit as stuffy and overly formal as the world she left behind as soon as possible. She likes them anyway. She likes wearing her favorite navy blue dress and coordinating her accessories and some part of her even likes the politics. Politics isn’t  _ that _ different from law in that a lot of it is just trying to convince people of things. Besides, she doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with enjoying looking nice and talking to people with similar opinions. 

She does want to run for something eventually, she’s decided. Nothing with executive power, but she’s already drafted some material for a hypothetical run for Congress. She’s well aware that her resume is impressive and her interpersonal skills are well-honed. While nothing is imminent, it surely couldn’t hurt to make some connections. So far tonight she’s already had very promising conversations with Penelope from NARAL and Matthew who runs a green energy company. 

Rafael was the one who had encouraged her to buy a plate at this event. Although Alex never cared for Mayoral Candidate Muñoz on a personal level, she couldn’t deny that he was a visionary in terms of policy. And, for all his faults, he’s one of Rafael’s oldest friends. As long as Rafael trusts him, she’ll trust him. As long as Rafael supports him, she’ll support him. 

She had spoken to his wife Yelina earlier this evening and was bizarrely starstruck. It felt wrong to be meeting someone she had only heard about in old stories. Yelina, to her credit, seemed sharp and did make some effort in the conversation beyond the usual handshake and rehearsed lines. 

Alex is so wrapped up in thought that she almost doesn’t notice Rafael crossing her field of vision. His eyes are wider than usual, he’s moving quickly, and Alex is pretty sure he’s fighting off tears. That’s not good. She crosses the room as quickly as she can without making a scene.

“Rafael? Is everything okay?” she asks. Rafael turns to her, his eyes widening further in surprise, before his face settles and he seems to remember that  _ he  _ was the one who pitched attending this event to  _ her _ .

“No,” he says curtly. “But I can’t talk here.”

“What’s going on?” 

“Alex, Alejandro, State Senator Muñoz, whatever. Don’t trust him. He’s been bribing his mistresses with state jobs and he exchanged sexually explicit photos with a 15 year old girl.” Alex blinks. She hadn’t even considered that as an option. For a moment she’s angry at Olivia and Rafael. These revelations must not have come out of nowhere, and yet here she is, standing at his event, completely taken by surprise. Rafael seems to read her thoughts and sighs, before looking over his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry. I really can’t talk right now. Meet me tomorrow night at Forlini’s.” He hurries out and Alex has a target. Part of her is still a sex crimes prosecutor, and Muñoz is still in the building. Just as she vows to seek him out, he appears. She strides over to him confidently.

“Ms. Cabot,” Muñoz says. “Congratulations on your recent wedding.”

“Is it true?” she asks plainly.

“Is what true?” Muñoz replies, a fake smile plastered on his face. Alex raises an eyebrow at him. “Have you spoken to Rafael Barba?”

“And if I have?”

“He’s lying. Everything out of his mouth is a lie. He’s a jealous snake, a lapdog of the establishment, and I’m ashamed I called him a friend.” Alex’s jaw clenches. 

“He wouldn’t lie to me,” she says matter-of-factly with her best prosecutor glare. 

“Frankly, it’s no concern of yours, Ms. Cabot.” Alex smirks. That was surprisingly easy. “You should leave.”

“I don’t worry, I was already planning to,” she assures him. She walks away. She waits until she’s decently close to the entrance before calling over her shoulder, “Good luck, you pathetic waste of space!”

“What a sleaze,” Alex mutters, watching Muñoz pontificate from the Forlini's television.

“He could still win,” Rafael warns. 

“Please.”

“I’m serious.”

“You’re not. There is no way in hell anyone with a child pornography charge wins an election. You know that. So… are you hoping he still wins?” Alex asks.

“I don’t like thinking I ruined his life.”

“He ruined his own life.”

“That’s what you’re going with?”

“That’s what’s true.”

“Tell me I did a good thing. Tell me that the universe gained something from this whole investigation. Tell me that I did something other than burn down one of my oldest bridges.”

“That girl is going to get the help she needs, Rafael. Since when do you not think that child pornography is a deal breaker in terms of one’s character?”

“Since never. Part of me still believes the hacking story, I guess. I didn’t --I don’t-- want to believe he’s capable of that. I want to believe that he’s a good man, because he’s always felt superior to me.”

“Rafael...”

“I’m serious. It’s not just me, either. My mother used to hold him up as an example. She used to tell me to be charming like him, to try to make as many friends as he had. To stay close to him because he was going to be something one day. My role in her mind was always as his sidekick. And that hurt. For a while I was bitter, because Alex’s --Alejandro’s-- parents always loved him. They supported him. And when I was alone in my room, nursing some form of face or chest injury, I would theorize that maybe if I had a family like he had, I would be as good at everything as he was. Alejandro was the one who always told me that that was bullshit. That I was as good as him even without the family. He still treated me like a sidekick, the same way he treated Eddie, but the words meant everything in those days. His friendship meant everything.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, well, it wasn’t like our friendship was perfect. He could be a controlling little shit sometimes. He cost me my friendship with Yelina.”

“Really?”

“She was my first close female friend. She was the first person I came out to. She was supportive, kind. I grew attached to her. In retrospect, I was clingy. I wanted that validation. I wanted to be around a person who knew everything about me and wasn’t disgusted. It only got worse after the incident with my father. When Alejandro started dating Yelina, he became suspicious of me. He convinced her that I was just trying to get close to her, to become her shoulder to cry on, so that she would fall for me. I don’t understand how telling her I was gay could possibly be construed as a seduction strategy, but it made some sense to her. She started being around me less, but we still talked. We were still close. I thought we were on good terms up until recently. A few days ago, I met Alejandro to talk about the case.”

“Rafael-”

“I know, I know. I shouldn’t have done it but I felt I had to. Alejandro threatened me, mainly my career. But at the end he said ‘You know what Yelina thinks? She thinks you’re jealous of me, and always have been.’ And that was a whole new layer to the threat. He knew --knows-- how important my friends are to me. He knows who Yelina was to me. His threat was ‘Look what I’ve already taken from you. I can take so much more.’”

“What a horrible person-shaped bucket of decaying nuclear waste,” Alex sighs. “You’re a better person than me. If I were you I would have told him to fuck right off when he came asking for help weeks ago, even before the threat.”

“I’ve always been pathetic like that.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I know. It’s just that I feel pathetic. Because after all that I was so excited to support him for mayor. I was so happy when he showed up at my office. And he used me. He played every card in his hand and manipulated both me and Eddie expertly. And the fucked up thing is that I still want to be his friend. I’m torn between the hatred and disgust and the rage I feel towards him for everything he’s done to me, from destroying my friendships to insulting me on national television --not to mention what he’s done to others-- and the fact that I still want him to like me. And I guess I just can’t convince myself that I did this for the right reasons instead of the swirling emotion cloud.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“What?” 

“It doesn’t matter why you did it. Maybe you did it because he was the worst friend of all time and he hurt you repeatedly and tried to destroy your life. Maybe you did it because you wanted justice for that girl. Maybe you did it because Alejandro was right and you wanted a political advantage over him and resented him for staying in your hometown. Functionally, it doesn’t matter. You did the right thing. You stopped a sick man from having power over countless people that he could have victimized. It’s the job, and you do it well.”

“If I told you right now that it was a purely political move, you wouldn’t care?”

“Well, I’d know you were lying, because I know you. You’re a good man, Rafael. You can try to be icy all you want but I know that you’re loyal, and kind, and you would never dream of intentionally hurting someone you care about. And despite every fucked up thing he said and did, you still care about Alejandro. But if it came down to it, no, I wouldn’t care. Because the purely political move still helped get justice. And also because I’m the kind of friend that can’t be warded off with tales of ambition, or God forbid, hidden bisexuality.” Rafael snorts, a hint of a smile crossing his face. 

“You’re a good friend, Alex,” he says warmly. “You still care about me even though I’m pathetic.”

“You are not-” Alex starts to object before realizing Rafael is smirking at her with one eyebrow raised. “Oh my God. I take everything back, you’re the worst.”

“I couldn’t help it, it was too easy.”

“Well, I don’t appreciate it when people I care about try to convince themselves they’re inherently evil or corrupt. You and Olivia do it, and because I can’t just snap my fingers and get you to see yourself for how awesome you are, I just try to convey it through words whenever I can.”

“You do a good job.”

“Really?”

“I hated myself at the beginning of this conversation and now I am merely ambivalent towards myself.”

“What progress.”

“It’s the best I can do today,” Rafael says with a sigh.

“Tomorrow will be better.”

“You think so?”

“Well by the time you’ll probably wake up tomorrow there will have been at least eight hours between the present and the time when you watched your ex-friend insult you on CNN, whereas now it’s only been less than an hour,” Alex points out. 

“There is undeniable logic in that.”

“You know what there’s also undeniable logic in?” Alex asks. 

“What?”

“Getting very drunk, playing the ‘insult the perps using increasingly creative insults’ game except with New York politicians, specifically one New York politician, and then drunk- calling Olivia to pick us up.”

“If you can somehow beat ‘person-shaped bucket of decaying nuclear waste’ I think I might actually finish the night in a good mood.”

“Challenge accepted.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alas, poor Rafael. When the angst hits for him, it hits hard. Next time is pretty fluffy, I promise.
> 
> Pacing update: There are three more chapters left in season 15. After that we move to season 16, which is the introduction of Sonny (the last tagged character in the story!) and almost immediately begins the groundwork for Barisi. If you are a Barisi fan reading this, holy shit you are patient. I'll try to make it worth the wait, I promise.


	37. An expectation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael advises Alex. Alex discusses adoption.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A development on the Cabenson front! It's very convenient that most of the Cabenson developments finish up right before the Barisi developments start, I think it makes the story less cluttered.   
> Anyway, enjoy Alex discussing impending parenthood and Rafael being concerned about whether or not he'll be able to enter Alex's apartment if it contains a living biohazard.

“I think Olivia’s going to propose the idea of starting the adoption process,” Alex says, finishing off her drink after a period of silence.

“Really?” Rafael asks. “Is this… good?”

“Yes. It’s good. I want to start a family with her. I’ve been genuinely excited to start a family with her even before we got married. We would have made some real progress in the application process by now if it weren’t for…” 

“Yeah.”

“I’ve been waiting for her to start giving me signals about wanting to get involved again. And I think that’s what she’s trying to do now.”

“What has she been doing?”

“You know the couple she picked up who were filming three kids?”

“Yes. I know of them. I fully intend to annihilate their defense attorney when the trial starts in a few weeks.”

“Oh, I’m sure you will. Anyway, they had a baby in their possession. So far we have no idea who either of the parents are, so he’s been put into emergency foster care. Olivia has gone to every single one of this baby’s court appearances. I think she’s gone to more hearings than Langan, the kid’s actual lawyer.”

“That sounds like Olivia being Olivia. She attaches to people and wants to make sure they’re okay. You really think that’s her telling you ‘I want to adopt a baby?’”

“I was unsure at first, but then she asked me to come to one of the hearings with her.”

“That is strange.”

“And after that we were lounging on our couch and she casually mentions how the farther up you advance in the ranks the more relative flexibility you have in your hours.”

“Uh huh.”

“She mentioned how conducive that would be to starting a family.”

“Wow.”

“I think Olivia and I are going to have a baby, Rafa,” Alex says with a wide smile. “I mean, not that specific baby, obviously, but a child.”

“Congratulations.”

“I’m really, really happy.”

“Your apartment is going to become sticky.”

“It will be worth it,” Alex says, shrugging.

“Let me explain what I actually meant: I care far too much for my clothing to enter a house inhabited by a young child.”

“I’ll get you a poncho like in  _ Parks and Rec _ .”

“It better not clash with my outfit.”

“Uh huh. The first time the kid calls you ‘Uncle Wafa’ all your defenses will fail and you will immediately buy the kid the largest stuffed animal you can find and personally deliver it to the kid’s room.”

“False.”

“You see, the fun thing about me is that I happen to know that you are secretly a massive softie. So your bravado completely fails to make any impact on me whatsoever.”

“You assert this, but you have no proof.”

“You want proof?”

“Not particularly.”

“Too bad. Three words, Rafa: My. Wedding. Speech.”

“An anomaly likely brought on by dehydration.”

“You bragged about preparing it for almost a decade.”

“Yet again I betray myself.”

“It’s okay, I’m not going to tell anybody.”

“Of course you won’t. If for no other reason that I’ve put great care and effort into making sure no one would believe you if you did tell anyone.”

“I don’t know, I can be very persuasive.”

“I highly doubt that, given that I’m somewhat sure everyone thought my speech at your wedding was a mass hallucination.”

“I think I’ll be a good parent,” Alex says later.

“She says, well into her third drink,” Rafael retorts, smirking. Alex rolls her eyes.

“This is the first alcohol I’ve consumed all week,” Alex informs him. “Besides, I’m not actually a parent yet.”

“Fair enough. For what it’s worth, I agree with you. Any child would be lucky to have you as a mom.”

“Thanks. It’s actually worth a lot.”

“No problem. As long as you don’t make me babysit.”

“No one’s going to force you to babysit. Would it be nice if you agreed without being forced? Sure-”

“I’m still not convinced children don’t explode if you drop them.”

“Well then yeah, don’t babysit until you’ve figured it out. Also don’t drop children, just in general. But I’ll have you know the parenting books I’ve read indicate that children are generally pretty stable, chemically at least.”

“You’ve read parenting books?”

“Yep. A lot.”

“How many is ‘a lot’ in Alex Cabot-speak?”

“13.”

“...Okay.”

“I took excessive notes. I compared them to each other. I made charts with the comparisons. I consider myself to have gained all the knowledge I can gain from such books.”

“And you feel prepared?”

“I feel like I’m not going to have a complete stress meltdown when it happens, and that I can parent without permanently screwing up the child, so yeah, I guess. I mean I feel like I’m at a disadvantage, because I can’t exactly talk to experienced parents about this stuff. I’ve gained a lot in terms of ‘what not to do’ though.”

“Such as?”

“I mean the main thing that always messed me up was the pressure my parents put on me to do a certain thing. They had me in the first place so I could grow up to be the specific vision they had, and that really messed with my mind. I wondered for a while if I was even in law school because I wanted to be a lawyer or if I felt compelled to. When Olivia first brought up having kids I knew that before I made any commitments I had to be absolutely committed to the idea that I didn’t have one image of who my child would grow up to be.”

“I take it you’re there.”

“I have been for a really long time. If my kid becomes a lawyer? Perfect. If my kid becomes an actor? Perfect. As a bonus, since the child would likely not biologically look like me, I could confuse random passerby by saying I’ve been seeing their plays since they were five. If my kid becomes a cashier at the local convenience store? Perfect. I’ll probably get discounts on Doritos.”

“Well who wouldn’t want a discount on Doritos?”

“Exactly. You get my point though. As long as they’re happy, it’s fine. I don’t want them to ever feel like they have to go to Harvard to make me proud of them. I haven’t even met them and I’m proud of them.” Rafael smiles at the warm expression on Alex’s face.

“You’ll be a good parent. I wish all parents were asked a similar question.... you never know what will happen. Also, God knows that attitude is important if a child turns out to be LGBT. It’s important to know that their family will still protect them.”

“Oh, definitely. If my child comes out and people start messing with them… Well I believe the technical term for what will happen to the aggressor is ‘blunt force trauma to the head.’”

“Bold of you to assume Olivia won’t beat you to it.”

“Family game night: vengeance edition.”

“I really shouldn’t be hearing this.”

“As if you wouldn’t help.”

“Well it is my god-child we’re talking about,” Rafael says, almost as a question. Alex nods.

“I was worried you wouldn’t accept. What with the fact that you aren’t entirely convinced children don’t contain bombs.”

“If something happened to you two, I’d learn how to take care of a child. You don’t have any biological family and there’s no way I’d let your child go into the foster system or be raised by any of Liv’s detectives.”

“Nothing’s going to happen to us, Rafa.”

“I know. I just want you to know not to worry, and that even with all my truly hilarious joking, I’ll be there with whatever you need.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay but the "Parks and Rec" poncho joke might be one of my favorite jokes I've written for this entire story. It's objectively not the best one but I love it. 
> 
> Update: I know how I'm going to end the story! I'm about 6-7 chapters away from actually writing the ending but I know how it's going to end, which I absolutely didn't know when I started writing it and even when I started publishing it. I find it wild to consider "the end of the story" since I've been working on it for a while and kind of have a concept of it as an endless void. But no! It will end. Eventually. I'd say we're looking at about 64 chapters in total. Honestly I haven't been that productive on writing new stuff for this story, mainly because the Barisi Hanukkah fluff is probably going to be longer than expected (I love Hanukkah, what can I say), but I still have upwards of a month's worth of chapters in reserve I'm not worried at all. 
> 
> Wow that update was longer than expected, sorry.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	38. An argument

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael is blindsided by Olivia. Alex moderates a conflict.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy almost-Hanukkah, dear friends! Technically Hanukkah starts this evening but whatever. This chapter is kind of about conflict, because Olivia is not always great at working with ADAs.

“Alexandra, you worked at Manhattan SVU for at least five years, is that correct?” Rafael asks, storming into Forlini’s and only acknowledging Alex once she hands him a whiskey. 

“Yes…”

“Did you ever explain to Sergeant Benson the concept of evidence, and the fact that we, you know, need it?”

“It came up once or twice. What’s up?”

“I trusted Olivia and I shouldn’t have.”

“Josh Galloway?”

“How’d you guess?” Rafael snaps. 

“Liv’s been talking about it non stop for a while. I figured it was around the early prosecution stage. I take it something happened?”

“She failed to do her job. I got blindsided in court.”

“That happens sometimes.”

“That’s all you got, that it ‘happens sometimes?’”

“Liv’s an amazing woman and I love her, but she can be difficult to work with.”

“Try ‘impossible.’”

“Let me guess: she deliberately sugarcoated the strength of the case when she pitched it to you, gave you an emotional speech about how we can take down someone dangerous and prove to the world the rich and powerful can’t get away with sexual assault, and basically implied you were a tool of the patriarchy if you refused. You got swept up in the justice of it all and before you knew it you had convinced the DA to take a chance. And now you’re ducking calls.”

“Wow. Were you there or did Liv give an actually accurate version of events?”

“I’ve been on the receiving end of many of those moments. I fell for them too.”

“The woman is going to get us both fired.”

“I highly doubt that. She actually tried to get me fired on a very similar case after similarly denying me evidence and she failed, so I doubt she’ll get you fired when she wasn’t even trying. ADAs are like cockroaches. We’re very difficult to get rid of.” Rafael snorts.

“I’m sure Olivia would agree with your simile.”

“Rafael, she doesn’t hate you.”

“False.”

“True. She’s done the same thing to me and she obviously doesn’t hate me. She’s just stubborn.”

“No kidding.” Rafael sighs, glaring at the counter. “I wish she could just accept that when I can’t make it work, it’s not because I don’t want to. It’s that it just won’t happen. I’m not a miracle worker. If I was on that jury, I’d have reasonable doubt after seeing that video, and I’m the prosecutor of the case.”

“I’ll talk to her.”

“Please do. And when you speak to her, please explain to her that I already hate myself enough for how I can’t get it done, and I really would appreciate her just accepting it and working around it.”

“Rafa, it’s not your fault.”

“I know that!  _ I’m  _ supposed to be mad at  _ her  _ and instead I feel like shit about myself. I hate that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I wish I could be that good a prosecutor, you know? I wish I could be the kind of person that could save this case with just what we have, but I can’t. I wish I could be as good as I clearly need to be in this unit. But I’m not. I’m not good enough. So Olivia needs to just work with my limitations and bring me cases I can prosecute. Or maybe do what she did to you and request a new ADA who can meet her standards.”

“It’s not on you, Rafael. You did  _ everything  _ you could. I love Olivia more than anything, but she’s wrong. You’re an incredible prosecutor. I think that even now she doesn’t understand that her hating a guy and that guy being guilty still doesn’t make the case substantial. You took the case because you trusted her but the evidence isn’t there.”

“I feel like she betrayed me. Like she decided I was an appropriate sacrifice in her ideological battle. And I know that’s not it, that she just wanted justice for Carley, but I still feel it.”

“And that’s justified, because she left you exposed, and she didn’t bother warning you.”

“It also feels like she trusted me to get this done and I let her down.”

“You didn’t let anyone down.”

“I let Carley down.”

“Everyone let Carley down.”

“That doesn’t make me feel better.”

“I know.” Rafael is silent as Alex orders them two more whiskeys.

“How did you fix it?” he eventually asks. “How did the fights end?”

“Usually we both apologized.”

“I don’t want to apologize.”

“Then wait until you’re feeling more charitable or until she apologizes first. The thing about Olivia is that she usually fights when she’s losing so she can defer some of her guilt but then once reality hits her she calms down. It would be a problem if it wasn’t so infrequent.”

“I snapped at her.”

“Maybe you should apologize, then.”

“She didn’t tell you about it?”

“She was frustrated at you, but mainly at herself. She didn’t tell me what exactly was said.”

“I accused her of not being ready for command.”

“Okay, you should definitely apologize.”

“You’re not mad?”

“She was overly idealistic and demanding and you were insulting. It isn’t new ground for either of you.”

“I will apologize.”

“Then it will work out. Olivia’s not vindictive, she cares about her family about as much as you do. And that’s what we are. Family. We’re going to fight, but no one’s going to abandon you or try to destroy you, okay?” Alex assures him. Rafael sighs and stares at his scotch.

“How could you possibly know I needed to hear that?”

“We’ve known each other for a very long time, and you’re not as hard to read as you think you are.”

“Will you tell Olivia I’m sorry?”

“You can tell Olivia you’re sorry.” Alex’s phone buzzes. “You can tell her you’re sorry tomorrow. Apparently she has a development in the case.” Alex’s phone buzzes again. “Apparently I’m not allowed to tell you any more information.”

“This development was obtained… legally?” Rafael asks as Alex reads more incoming texts.

“As far as I can tell,” she mutters. 

“If I try to use illegally obtained evidence Rita will shishkebab me in front of the judge and I’ll deserve it.”

“She wouldn’t present illegal evidence, Rafael.”

“My confidence in that statement was higher before today.”

“What happened to how you were going to apologize?”

“I am. That doesn’t mean I can’t be wary of her.”

“I understand.”

“I’m not trying to say I don’t care about her, I just-”

“Rafael, I know all about fights. It’ll resolve, and in the meantime, I won’t mind if you continue to vent about Liv.”

“I don’t really have much else I want to say. I think I just want to go back to being friends.”

“I’d like everyone to go back to being friends also. Let’s hope that evidence pans out.”

“Indeed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly you could read this as kind of a contrast to the Muñoz chapter, in that this time Rafael actually had decent friends and manages to work through everything, compared to the absolute angst-fest that was the whole situation with his childhood friends. 
> 
> Speaking of angst-fests, I'm very excited to present what I have for season 16. It has some of my best angst, some nice friendship fluff, and some romance-adjacent writing I'm actually happy with (what???).
> 
> Also, since Hanukkah starts this evening, that means the first chapter of Barisi Hanukkah fluff will be posted tonight (hence the early publication time of this chapter). 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	39. An addition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael meets Noah. Alex adds to her family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the last chapter of season 15! This chapter is a pretty substantial Cabenson development.

“Holy fucking shit,” Alex whispers at her phone. Rafael glances up at her, concerned. It is the middle of their lunch break, after all. Alex has no work plans that could possibly cause this. The expression did not sound panicked enough for if something really bad had happened. If anything, from what Rafael’s heard, the whole Amaro situation was pretty much resolved. He doesn’t understand what could have possibly caused cursing.

“Is there a problem?”

“Olivia and I just got emergency custody of Noah Porter.”

“WHAT?” Rafael asks, rising from his chair.

“I know. I… Oh my God. I need to get home. I need to prepare. I mean, we have diapers and stuff and our house is safe because we’ve just completed the last of our background and home checks so we could get added to the emergency foster list but I don’t have baby food. And I need to check everything. Like the social worker checked but the social workers are overworked. What if not everything’s safe? I need to get home _now_.”

“I’ll come.”

“Why? You hate children.”

“Well I’ll leave by the time the child gets there. Your wife is at the courthouse, you need support, or at least someone to assure you that they have also checked and everything is fine, and I can do that. So, let’s go.”

“Thanks! You’re the best! Let’s go!” Alex grabs Rafael by the arm and pulls him through the halls of the DA’s office. Rafael drives when Alex cannot stop her hands from shaking. 

“Where should I start?” Rafael asks.

“The kitchen! I need you to check to make sure he won’t be able to reach any of the oven controls.”

“Alex, the kid can’t walk!”

“In a year he probably will be able to! Just check it! I’m going to the kid’s --Noah’s-- room.”

“All good in here!” Rafael calls.

“Okay, good! I need help here!” Alex shouts back. Rafael hurries to Noah’s room where he sees Alex has laid out three different bedspreads on the bed. “Which do you think he’ll like? I mean I’m partial to Star Wars, but maybe a young kid would prefer the more generic trucks, or maybe by choosing one of these options we’re making assumptions about what Noah’s interests are and to be safe we should go with a solid color? Or maybe the stripes?”

“Alex! Noah is a baby! He’s not even sleeping in the bed, he’s sleeping in the crib! I doubt he cares which bedspread you use!”

“Pick one!”

“Star Wars.”

“But what if-”

“Star Wars. That’s the one.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yep. Star Wars all the way.”

“Okay. Star Wars.” Alex puts the rest of the sheets back into the closet and sets to work, but her movements are too quick and flustered.

“Are you okay?” Rafael asks.

“I don’t want to screw this up, Rafi. This is the one thing in my life that I can’t screw up.”

“You won’t screw up,” Rafael says with absolute certainty.

“How do you know?”

“Olivia won’t let you.”

“That’s true.”

“You’re going to have a truly massive support system, okay? You have Liv, you have me, you have all the detectives, apparently Liv is putting in for a new detective, so that’s one more person. You have a lot of people at the DA’s office, too, you know. The sheer numbers of times I’ve been called ‘Alex 2.0’...” Rafael trails off. Alex laughs quietly. “We’ll be there for you. With everything you need. But you won’t need a lot, because you’re ready. You’ve been cleared by every agency imaginable, you’ve thought out every aspect of this decision, you have an amazing wife. For lack of a better term, you’re going to kick ass at parenting.”

“Rafi, you should drop out of the law, your true calling is as a motivational speaker,” Alex jokes. Rafael laughs, a happy smile on his face.

“Say that to anyone outside this room, I dare you.” Alex’s phone buzzes. 

“Olivia’s going to be here with Noah in ten minutes.”

“Then I’m going to go, because this is your and Olivia’s moment and also because I paid over $1,000 for this suit. Good luck.”

“Thanks for everything, Rafael.”

“Okay, he’s sleeping, but you can go in and say hi,” Alex whispers as Rafael walks through the door, holding a box full of his abuelita’s favorite desserts. He sets the box down as quietly as he can and turns back to Alex.

“Sounds good, you’re coming too.” As quietly as they can, they enter Noah’s room. Rafael isn’t fond of children, but he must admit that Noah is pretty cute. 

“He’s the greatest child I’ve ever seen,” Alex cooes, leading Rafael closer to the crib. 

“He’s cute,” Rafael admits. Alex rolls her eyes. 

“I’m going to go wake up Liv, it’s her shift,” Alex says. “You can stay here, if you want.” As Alex retreats Rafael turns back towards Noah. He stares at him for a few moments, contemplating exactly what he wants to say. 

“Umm… hello,” Rafael says to the sleeping child. “I’m Assistant District Attorney Rafael Barba.” Rafael pauses. “Uh, I’m a friend of your foster mother’s. Both of them, actually. You can call me Rafael. Or, if you’re feeling particularly sentimental, Uncle Rafa will suffice. I suppose. If you want. I mean, you can’t talk, but the option is there.” 

Rafael pauses, watching the crib intently, checking for a response. 

“So… um, you got really lucky just now. Not that you’re lucky in general or anything, but this particular thing that happened to you was very lucky. I think it says something bad about me that my mind just urged me to tell you, a very young child, not to screw this up for yourself. But uh, don’t take it for granted, I guess? Also, it’s likely that at some point in the future I will be asked to pick you up, so please don’t explode. I very much enjoy being alive. Anyway, your foster mothers make the lives of everyone around them better, so look forward to that. Take care. I’m going to leave now before one of them hears me.” Rafael turns around to see Olivia smiling in the doorway. “How much of that did you hear?” he demands as forcefully as he can while still whispering. 

“Enough,” Olivia says with a warm smile on her face. “Noah’s not going to explode, you know.”

“Of course I know that. I was being humorous.”

“You’ll forgive me for not being certain. Thank you for the pastries, by the way.”

“Abuelita wanted to come see Noah herself. I persuaded her not to.” Olivia laughs quietly. 

“Thank you. I don’t want to field complaints from the entire squad about how your grandmother got to meet Noah before they did.”

“The rest of the squad hasn’t met him?”

“You’re a good friend to me and Alex’s closest friend. You get priority visitation.” Rafael is genuinely touched. “You make our lives better too, you know.” Rafael doesn’t respond for a moment, opting instead to stare at Olivia with wide eyes.

“Thank you,” he says quietly.

“Of course.”

“Congratulations, Liv. And tell Alex I say congratulations too, when she wakes up.”

“I will. Take care, Rafa.”

“Goodnight, Liv.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes my writing is dark and serious. Other times my writing is Rafael introducing himself to Noah as "Assistant District Attorney Rafael Barba."
> 
> See you next on this story for the start of season 16/the introduction of Sonny! See you next on this website for chapter 3 of "Hanukkah Sameach" later tonight!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


	40. A new detective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael meets Liv's new hire. Alex tries to protect Noah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The moment is finally upon us. After two and a half months of waiting, Sonny will finally enter this story! This chapter is also rough for Alex. If you remember "Girls Disappeared" (the episode this chapter is based on) Noah and Lucy got shot at. In this chapter, Alex was walking with Noah instead of Lucy, because I figured Alex and Olivia would try to have one parent around for Noah as much as possible. 
> 
> Trigger warning: discussions of gun violence

“Alex, are you okay?” Rafael asks as soon as Alex opens the door. She doesn’t look okay. Her hair is a mess, she’s wearing the same skirt she had been wearing when he’d seen her earlier that day, but she’s changed her shirt. Her skin is pale and she seems sick. 

“Noah’s asleep,” Alex informs Rafael numbly. Rafael nods.

“Are you okay?” he repeats. “I heard what happened-”

“They shot at us, Rafael.”

“Liv told me.”

“They shot at me and my son from a car, while we were walking-” Alex says in a rush, tears welling in her eyes. Rafael steps closer to her and he can tell she’s shaking.

“Is it okay if I hug you?” Rafael asks. Alex nods, and Rafael pulls her into a hug. 

“They shot at us… and I froze. I just froze. I couldn’t move-”

“That’s alright. That’s perfectly understandable.”

“I couldn’t protect Noah. I needed to protect him and I couldn’t,” Alex mutters tearfully.

“Alex, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I couldn’t protect my son!” Alex hisses, pulling back from the hug abruptly. “I couldn’t protect him. I just heard the shots and all I could hear was Olivia standing over me saying ‘Alex, stay with me, sweetheart, no no no no no…’” Alex trails off. The shaking becomes more pronounced and Rafael puts a hand on her arm.

“It’s going to be okay, Alex. I promise,” Rafael assures her. “It’s going to be okay. You’re safe, and Noah’s safe, and we’re going to catch the men who did this and they are going to go to jail for what they did.”

“I should have reacted. I should have known what to do, I should have done something…”

“Alex, you got your child home safely. You put him to bed after you made sure he was okay. That’s all you could do.”

“You don’t think Liv is mad?”

“No, definitely not, no,” Rafael soothes. “She was so relieved when she heard you were okay. She wishes she could be here right now.”

“She has to work the case.”

“I know.”

“Tell her not to worry, tell her I’m okay.”

“Alex…”

“I’m better than I just expressed, I promise,” Alex says firmly, regaining some control over her voice. “Talking about it just brought it all back. I mean, I was really bad when I first got home. I got Noah to go to sleep and then I just collapsed. I threw up at some point. My shirt is ruined. I liked it too…”

“We’ll replace the shirt,” Rafael promises. Alex nods. 

“I know. I know. It’s just I couldn’t get Liv’s voice out of my head, from when I was shot the first time. I tried to go to sleep but every time I started drifting off I just thought I was back in the ambulance, not sure if I was going to wake up.”

“You haven’t gotten any sleep?”

“None,” Alex says with a sharp smile. “It’s like law school.”

“Do you want me to leave so you can rest?” Rafael asks.

“No!” Alex says immediately, eyes widening. “No. Stay. Distract me.”

“With what? You know I’ve been working the case too.”

“Surely  _ something _ happened that’s distracting? Before the case, maybe? Was there a new guy at your favorite coffee place?” Alex asks pleadingly. “Please, Rafi, I need something else to think about or I think I’ll lose it all over again.”

“No, there’s no drama at my favorite coffee place. But I think I have something: Liv got a new detective.”

“She mentioned.”

“Did she mention anything else about him?”

“No. We kind of only had one real topic.”

“Right. Sorry. Anyway, this new detective has been in three other boroughs of SVU in less than six months.”

“What happened to experience and empathy?”

“Oh, don’t worry. He assured Liv that he is ‘way experienced’ and ‘can do that empathy thing.’” Alex cracks a smile. It’s small, but it’s there. “He also apparently described himself as ‘sensitive and moody.’”

“Your soulmate, then,” Alex jokes tentatively. Rafael rolls his eyes.

“Please. He’s from Staten Island.”

“Accent?”

“Horrendous. But that’s not the issue. The issue is the mustache.”

“Mustache?”

“Envied by owners of creepy vans everywhere.”

“Ouch. Keep talking.”

“Okay. So his name is apparently Dominick Carisi, Jr-”

“I know how you so love it when people are named after their fathers,” Alex remarks with a small smirk. It’s working, Rafael thinks to himself. Good thing he has plenty of material already on Dominick Carisi, Jr. 

“He wants people to call him ‘Sonny.’”

“Proves your theory about nicknames.”

“That’s what I thought! Anyway, no one is calling him Sonny, that much is clear. Even if he did bring us very good pastries.”

“He brought pastries? That’s sweet.”

“Almost sweet enough to make Liv forget about how he tried to tell a girl that he could get her a visa because he wrote a law paper on the issue.” Alex winces. “I thought Liv was about to throw him out a window when she told me about it.”

“You think she’ll have him transferred?”

“Not until Amaro’s back, at least. Besides, Olivia likes a project. I read his paper. It was actually quite good. There might be hope for him.”

“Good. That’s good.”

“It is.”

A few days later, Alex stops by the precinct. Noah is with a babysitter for a few hours and Alex really wants to see her wife. She fell asleep eventually and now thinks she looks somewhat presentable, almost professional. She picked up dinner for the squad and Rafael and is now very much enjoying watching detectives’ eyes light up one by one as they realize she brought food. 

“You’re a lifesaver, Counselor,” Fin says, taking a large slice of pizza. 

“Got to keep up your strength if you want to nail the bastards who almost shot me,” Alex mutters darkly. Fin gives her a sharp nod. Rollins approaches, taking pizza with a relieved smile. Olivia walks up to Alex, grinning widely and pulling her in for a kiss.

“Thanks babe, you’re the absolute best.”

“No objections,” Alex says warmly. Rafael takes a piece of pizza, holding it gingerly as if the grease was somehow corrosive.

“Are you doing okay?” he asks quietly. Alex nods. 

“Infinitely better,” she assures him. Rafael gives her a small smile. Once he’s walked off to determine what he’s going to do with the pizza, a face she doesn’t recognize approaches.

“Hey Counselor, Ms. Cabot, Sarge’s wife. Hi. Thanks for the pizza, it’s really nice of you.” Alex looks at him for a few moments. His accent is definitely pronounced but it’s not  _ horrendous _ . Rafael is 100% right about the mustache. But overall he seems nice, and definitely a little nervous to be talking to her. She makes a call.

“Please, call me Alex. You must be Sonny.” Sonny beams at her. Rafael raises his eyebrows from across the room and Alex smiles at him.

“Okay, Alex, I will. And yeah, I’m Dominick Carisi, Jr., but I go by Sonny. I’m the new detective.”

“Good to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, too. I’ll see you around I guess? If you come here often that is. I know you don’t work here anymore. Not because I’m stalking you or anything, I’ve just studied some of your cases, both here and at the AUSA office, you know, for law school.”

“Well, let me know if you want any information about any of my cases.”

“I will! Thanks!”

“No problem.” Sonny retreats with his pizza and a wide smile. Olivia raises her eyebrows as she returns. “What?” Alex asks. 

“You’re the first person all week to call him Sonny.”

“So? He seems like a decent person, and decent people should be called what they want to be called.”

“Well now you’re making me and Rafael feel petty,” Olivia sighs. 

“It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

“Somehow that doesn’t surprise me,” Olivia laughs. “Thanks for bringing pizza, Al. You’re the champion.”

“I’m well aware. Bye, Liv. See you whenever you catch a break.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we go. This might be the third (fourth?) distinct era of this story. All characters are now in the story! I have some fun (and by fun I mean decidedly not fun) plans for them.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	41. An appeal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael plots vengeance. Alex chats with Sonny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the second chapter of season 16!

Rafael’s glare is murderous when Alex walks through his office door. Usually this would have unnerved her, but she knows that it's not her he’s mad at.

“You’ll win the appeal,” Alex assures him.

“Oh I’m not just going to win the appeal, I am going to destroy everything in my path. I am going to cite my own cases as precedent, I am going to intimidate witnesses, I am going to flip tables-”

“Easy there, Stabler,” Alex jokes, sitting down on the couch opposite from where Rafael is pacing. 

“He had no right,” Rafael hisses. 

“True.”

“He had no right. I got justice for that girl fair and square. Everyone involved did their job excellently. The jury saw what we saw. Everything worked. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to Evie, that one judge who thinks that one’s profession should dictate their rights decided to ruin her life.”

“That’s true.”

“Never in my life have I wanted to punch a judge so much. I was so angry. I am angry, but I was livid then.”

“I heard.”

“Another three seconds and we’d be talking at the jail right now.”

“Well presumably you’d have fixed the situation. It’s been multiple hours.”

“I would never apologize to him. Ever.”

“Well then presumably you would have bailed yourself out.”

“That’s more like it. I would have bailed myself out and gone straight back to chambers to yell all over again.”

“I would have gone with you. He deserved it.”

“You know, it’s rare for judges to so blatantly hurt someone. They can stall and delay justice to next Tuesday but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a judge hear a verdict, make eye contact with a survivor, and tell her that her job means she doesn’t deserve justice. I didn’t even know how to react for a moment. I just couldn’t believe what had happened.”

“It’s disgusting. He should be thrown off the bench.”

“I’m going to make it happen. I swear I am going to file all the complaints I possibly can. He won’t know what hit him. I’m going to make his life a living hell until he surrenders. And when he does, I’m going to laugh.”

“Rafi, you’re kind of sounding like a super villain.”

“Good! Good. The system deserves to be destroyed. Who the fuck built the kind of system that allows some judge getting off on his own perceived sense of moral superiority to ruin Evie’s chance of closure? Whoever built it deserves to be jailed. Or, better yet, they deserved to be mugged, and then see the mugger’s conviction overturned by some tight-ass judge who thinks that walking with a bag of items meant they were inviting the mugging, and that would happen over and over again for the rest of time.”

“Dante’s 10th circle of Hell.”

“Damn right,” Rafael exclaims. His phone buzzes. “I’m sorry to kick you out, Alex, but I have an appeal to write. Pray for the pen that’s about to get strangled and possibly split in half.”

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay, Rafi. I’ll leave you to do your work.”

“See you later, Alex.”

“Try not to be covered with the blood of your enemies when that happens.”

“No promises.”

\---

As Alex leaves the office, she sees a familiar face. She considers not acknowledging him but he seems intent on getting her attention.

“Hi, Alex! Is the counselor okay?” Sonny asks. Alex considers how to answer that question.

“He’ll be fine. I wouldn’t go in there right now, though.”

“Ah okay, I just brought him some cannoli, you know, to make him feel better.” 

“That’s really nice, Sonny,” Alex says genuinely. 

“He deserves something nice,” Sonny remarks firmly. 

“Oh?” 

“Some of the others blame him for stuff, you know? And that’s garbage. Especially today. It wasn’t his fault a judge decided to be a shithead.” Alex snorts.

“That’s one way of putting it.”

“Hey, I was wondering something. You’re pretty good friends with Barba, right?”

“He’s my best friend. We’ve known each other for 13 years.”

“Yeah, so you’re really good friends. And I was wondering kind of how that started? How you got him to talk to you, and all. Because Barba seems like a really good person, and, uh… he’s uh... well… nevermind. He seems like a good person. And I’d like to get to know him, but anytime I try talking to him he doesn’t want to talk.” Alex can’t tell Sonny the full story about where she and Rafael met and why he opened up to her, obviously, so she has to fake something. A reasonable something.

“Rafael and I met at the courthouse. We shared common legal interests. We weren’t interested in each other romantically, but we both could’ve used a friend at the time so we went out for drinks to talk. The rest is history.”

“Legal interests?” Sonny asks. 

“Yes,” Alex answers emphatically. That’s the answer she’s sticking with. 

“I can talk about the law to Barba. I can  _ definitely _ talk about the law to Barba.” Uh oh.

“Sonny-” Alex calls, but Sonny is already walking towards Rafael’s office.

“Thanks, Alex!” he calls back over his shoulder.

“Is it possible to be mansplained to if you’re a man?” Rafael asks Alex, sitting down for one of their first weekly drinks since Noah.

“I think it’s a gender thing, Rafa, so no.”

“There must be a word for it though,” Rafael grumbles. 

“What’s going on?”

“Carisi.”

“What happened?”

“He seems to think I want his legal insights,” Rafael sighs. Alex inwardly face palms. 

“Is it really that much of a problem?”

“When he’s contradicting my strategy in front of the squad? Yes.”

“Yikes.”

“He always wants to talk about the law as well. It would be one thing if it were related to law school, but it’s not. It’s just talking. And I don’t know what to do with that.”

“You could tell him to back off.”

“I  _ have _ told him to back off during the times in front of the squad. He seems to not care how many times I send a sarcastic insult his way,” Rafael sighs, glaring at his drink. When he looks up, Alex looks decidedly uncomfortable. He raises an eyebrow at her.

“I have a confession to make.”

“Clearly.”

“I may have been the cause of this. When I was leaving your office after I came to check on you after Evie’s trial, I ran into Sonny. He asked me how we met and how I got you to talk to me. I told him we bonded over legal insights.”

“Alex,” Rafael sighs.

“What? He was so earnest. I took pity on him. I didn’t expect him to start debating legal strategy with you in the middle of the squadroom!”

“So… he’s just doing this because he’s overreacting to advice you gave him?”

“I mean, I think he’d be doing it anyway, but my advice didn’t help. I’m sorry.”

“You’re forgiven.”

“That easily? I thought I’d have to grovel.”

“Please keep in mind that I will deny saying this if you ever mention it to anyone, but it was… not terrible to have someone to talk to. Now that you and Liv are busy with Noah.”

“I promise I will make time, the past while has just been crazy.”

“I know, I’m not saying it as a bad thing. You should be there for your son. Obviously. I’m simply saying that maybe I’m not entirely angry about Carisi.”

“Well, good. I’ll be sure to tell him,” Alex jokes.

“Like I said, I will deny it.”

“He’s a detective, and apparently a ‘way experienced’ one at that. I think he’d figure you out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alas, poor Sonny. He keeps running into walls at full speed.  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter, because next chapter is some heavy angst similar to chapter 5. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	42. A defeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael loses in court. Alex helps him through it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is gonna suck. This is probably the heaviest angst since Alex's death, with the possible exception of the William Lewis chapter. 
> 
> Trigger warning: References to past child abuse

It takes Alex a moment to find where Rafael is sitting. He’s sitting in a corner booth, and they’ve sat in that location maybe twice. Rafael has his head down, focussing on his drink. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days. And Alex knows why.

“I’m so sorry, Rafael,” she says, sitting down beside him. He had called her, asked her to show up. He didn’t want to drink alone, muttering to himself, he had said. 

“Don’t feel sorry for me,” Rafael spits. “Feel sorry for Gabriela. Feel sorry for Nick. I don’t deserve it. I’m just the loser who failed completely and totally.”

Alex opens her mouth to speak-

“Don’t say ‘you did everything you could.’ Not tonight. Usually it’s helpful but tonight it is exactly the problem.”

“What-”

“I did everything I could. I did  _ everything _ . I consulted psychologists. I had a difficult conversation with my mother. I practiced my questioning strategy on Rita, and then on the mirror, and then on one of the few photos I have of my father that I haven’t defaced with sharpie. Then I went at him with everything I had in that courtroom, and I failed. He defeated my best efforts.”

“Rafael, you have put a practical army of abusers in prison.”

“But I wanted  _ this one _ . I wanted to destroy the one who traumatized someone I knew, who I would call a friend, in the right circumstances. I wanted to put the man who most reminded me of my father in prison. He deserved to pay for what he did. To his fiancé, of course, but also for what he did to his ex-wife and children. But I failed.”

“You failed because Gabriela wouldn’t testify.”

“You should have seen him on the stand, he was mocking me.”

Rafael glares at the table, his hand tightening into his fist around his glass. Alex shakes her head sadly. 

“He called me a ‘gentleman who wears suspenders’ at one point. It doesn’t mean anything technically but in that tone… I knew what he wanted to say. I know what he would have said, had we not been in such a formal environment. It was like my father was staring right at me,” Rafael almost whispers.

Alex puts a hand on his shoulder, squeezing lightly. 

“The thing is that when I got up there I really thought I would break him. I really thought I could do it. I thought that years of training and experience and anger would finally pay off. I pictured the look on his face when he finally realized that someone had bested him… and it just didn’t happen.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I left the courtroom, I knew I’d have to face Liv and Nick, and I wanted Nick to be angry. Because I deserved it. I deserved to be yelled at for failing like that. But it was the one time Nick wasn’t angry. He was just… resigned.”

“You don’t deserve to be yelled at.”

“Yes, I do. I talked him into testifying. I pretty much told him what happened to me, in so many words. I dragged him onto that stand to describe the kind of childhood that I haven’t even been able to describe to  _ Liv _ , one of my closest friends. I did that because I told him we’d have something to show for it, and we don’t. He should hate me. I hate that he doesn’t hate me.”

“Rafael, you don’t deserve to be hated.”

“That’s what Liv said.”

“Did Liv… talk to you?”

“Pretty much. She’s a renowned detective, she knew something was up. I made it clear to her I did not want to tell her about it. She told me if I was planning on getting drunk to at least call you.”

“I can leave if you don’t want me here. Liv doesn’t know everything-”

“No, please stay.”

“Okay.”

“I told my mother I was prosecuting this trial. I’m going to have to tell her I lost. Badly. Same with Abuelita. I don’t want to. She’s in the hospital and I don’t want her thinking about this.”

“Then don’t tell her. If she finds out, she finds out.”

“You’d condone withholding information?”

“Your abuelita isn’t a defense attorney. It’s legal. She can’t blame you for wanting to deal with this on your own.”

“I’d tell her if she wasn’t in the hospital.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m worried about her. I’m worried about her because these kinds of cases always make me think about her. And how much she helped me. And I’d hate for her to spend any of her last days thinking about men like my father-”

“Rafael, she’s going to be okay.”

“You don’t know that.”

“You said she fell, right? Falls aren’t fatal.”

“I don’t expect anything to be any less than the absolute worst scenario, so maybe there was a new type of falling and breaking a hip that is mysteriously fatal. Maybe if there’s a God, He’s just laughing at me. Like, ‘You think you deserve to be punished, Rafael? I’ll take your abuelita instead.’ It would definitely be an effective punishment.”

“Rafael, I don’t think God works like that.”

“What would we know? We’re not religious. Maybe we’ve got everything backwards and my father is in heaven, laughing at us and supporting his compatriot.”

“Your father is not in heaven,” Alex hisses. “I may not be religious but I have to believe that if there is a God and a heaven, that God endowed us with inherent senses of justice, and those senses of justice give us reliable information.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“So do I.”

“You know who we should call?” Rafael asks drunkenly as Alex sips from her water glass.

“Who should we call?” she asks. 

“Carisi.”

“Uh huh. And why should we call Carisi?”

“We were talking about God stuff… And Carisi is Catholic… like actually Catholic… like I’m technically sort of Catholic as in my family is Catholic but like I’m not Catholic, but Carisi is  _ Catholic _ Catholic. So he would probably have an idea of what God is, and where my father is…”

“We’re not calling Carisi.”

“Why not?” Rafael whines. “I’m sad and drunk and you said you’d support me.”

“I’m supporting you by not calling Carisi.”

“But that… that doesn’t make any sense.”

“It does make sense. You’re drunk. I’m not. Who do you trust to make sense?”

“I… you.”

“I me indeed. We’re not calling Carisi.”

“He’d probably be nice about it. He’s nice. I’m rude to him sometimes, but he’s nice.”

“He is nice. And I’m sure he’d be very nice if you drunk-called him, but then you’d wake up tomorrow morning and realize that I, your friend and temporary protector, had allowed you to drunk-dial Carisi. And then you wouldn’t be nice to me.”

“Yes I would.”

“No, you wouldn’t. We’re not calling Carisi. End of story.”

“Okay. I have another plan.”

“What’s your plan?”

“Vandalism.”

“...Care to elaborate?”

“We know… where Nick’s dad lives. We should… vandalism.”

“No, we should not.”

“Why?”

“We’d get arrested.”

“It’d be worth it.”

“No it would not be. Think about it, Rafael. Do you really want a man like your father to get you disbarred?”

“You’re so smart, Alex.”

“I know that, Rafael. You’re smart, too.”

“Am not. I lost.”

“But that doesn’t mean you aren’t smart. You can’t win everything. It wouldn’t be fair to us mere mortals.”

“That’s true, you’d all be... puny.”

“Yep.”

“Okay, then I have another plan-”

“No more plans for tonight, okay Rafa?”

“Fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter isn't so depressing, I promise. I wish I could say the angst lets up for Rafael, but we have "December Solstice" in two chapters, so brace yourself for that.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	43. An epiphany

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael is angry. Alex helps him understand why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for the most obviously Barisi chapter yet, and your brief reprieve from angst. I did have a lot of fun writing this chapter, so hopefully it will be pleasant to read.

“Rafael, are you okay?” Alex asks, as Rafael mutters something under his breath and sits down beside her. 

“They left him in lockup for three hours.  _ Hours _ , Alex.”

“Who?”

“Carisi.”

“Why was Carisi in lockup?”

“Liv didn’t tell you?”

“All I know was that we were supposed to have a fun night centered around Noah’s first super bowl and then she took off. In leather pants, no less. I wished she would have gotten home earlier, we could have made use of them…”

“Alexandra, I’m distressed. I don’t need to be disgusted too.”

“Right. Sorry. No, I don’t know what Liv’s plan was.”

“Well, apparently she had three people undercover, including herself, at a brothel.”

“She did what?”

“She, Fin, and Carisi all went undercover. Then Declan Fucking Murphy shows up, also undercover, and PISTOL WHIPS Carisi.”

“Ouch.”

“They left him in LOCKUP. He was INJURED,” Rafael practically shouts.

“They must have had a reason.”

“THREE HOURS.”

“Rafael-”

“He had blood on his face, Alex. He had blood dripping all over his face. It looked like his nose was broken. And they just left him there. Nick got him an ice pack, apparently, but then left him there and  _ laughed  _ at him while he had blood on his face.”

“Rafael-”

“I mean I know they don’t like him. I guess you have to be a certain amount of traumatized to fit in with Rollins or Amaro, but he’s a good person, a  _ sweet _ person, he doesn’t deserve-”

“Rafael!”

“What?” Rafael snaps.

“Rafael, are you sure you don’t… feel something, for Sonny?”

“What? Of course not.”

“It’s just that when you talk about him, it sounds like how I talked about Liv when she was in danger back when I first caught feelings.”

“You’re being ridiculous. I’m concerned. It’s normal human behavior to be concerned when someone is suffering.”

“But it is not normal human behavior to be yelling at your friend who is three feet away from you in the middle of a bar.”

“I do not have feelings for Carisi.”

“Sure. Except that you happily let him stay after hours to talk about the law or any number of things when if it was anyone else you would have kicked them out on their ass.”

“He's good conversation and he's not horrible to look at, so I talk to him. That's it.”

“Okay, I believe you.”

“Really?”

“Of course. Who would care to know more about him anyway other than his sisters: Bianca, Dina, and the other one?”

“Bella, Gina, and Teresa,” Rafael corrects immediately.

“Say that again?”

“So I know his sisters’ names. Big deal,” Rafael huffs.

“You wanted to call him the night after the Amaro Sr trial.”

“I hardly remember anything from that night.”

“You tried to persuade me to call Sonny because he would be nice about it.”

“He would have been. He’s a nice person.”

“Okay, clearly this isn’t working. Let’s try this: describe to me how you felt when you saw Sonny in lockup. I’ll know if you’re hiding something.”

“I was angry, because his squad had abandoned him. Because they had let petty grievances with his existence at SVU completely take over their sense of decency. And I was upset because he didn’t deserve it, because as I mentioned before, he’s a good person. And… and I guess I wanted to make him feel better, and make sure he was okay, and protect him, I guess? Because… because… Fuck.”

“Because?”

“ _ Fuck _ .”

“Okay.”

“No. I refuse. I do not have feelings for one of Liv’s detectives. That is not a thing that is happening.”

“If Sonny asked you out tomorrow, what would you say?”

“Maybe wait until your black eye is better?” Rafael jokes weakly. 

“Rafael.”

“I would say yes. I would say yes, okay? Fine. You win. I want to date Carisi.”

“Okay.”

“‘Okay?’ That’s the best you have? You walk me to the brink about my innermost romantic feelings and that’s all you have?”

“You should ask him out.”

“Wow. Useless to generic. You’re quite something today,” Rafael snaps. Alex raises an eyebrow at him. “Sorry.”

“I know he likes you back.”

“How could you possibly know that? You’ve met him  _ maybe  _ five times?”

“The second time we met he pretty much admitted he had feelings for you. He cut himself off, but the implication was clear.”

“I’m not going to risk it over an  _ implication _ .”

“Well you don’t have to do anything right away.”

“Then why-”

“Because now you can moon properly.”

“What?”

“Surely there are things you like about Sonny. You can share them with me. And, eventually, when you’re ready to ask him out, I can help you with that. You know, like you put up with all my ramblings about Olivia and eventually facilitated me asking her out. I always felt better after talking to you.”

“I don’t have any fully formed thoughts yet.”

“Anything works.”

“You’re going to judge me.”

“I will not. Not when you finally seem to have a semblance of good taste.”

“I’m going to judge myself.”

“All the reason to get everything out in the open so you can’t over-analyze everything in your mind.”

“Fine. Fine. But seriously, this kind of thing sometimes makes me uncomfortable so if I phrase it weirdly…”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, Rafael. I didn’t mean to pressure you.”

“No. No. I want to. I like… I like his eyes, okay? They’re blue, a very nice blue. I mean, you have blue eyes, but he has  _ blue  _ eyes, if that makes sense?”

“I’ll try not to be insulted.”

“No, be insulted. I just called his eyes nicer than yours.”

“Well Liv’s eyes are nicer than yours, so there, and also you’re deflecting.”

“He’s tall. Do not make a height joke,” Rafael warns, Alex rolls her eyes. “His face is… well proportioned, he’s just beautiful. He has a very nice smile. Beyond that… I don’t know… he’s sweet. He’s really kind. To everyone. He brings me pastries all the time, and then he sticks around to talk. Like not just talking to be polite but like he actually wants to hear what I have to say. I thought he was faking it. I’ve been with guys who made a big show of being nice and wanting to know what I had to say and then the second I showed them anything other than some sort of cordial submission they turned on me. So I pushed back at him, just on instinct. You know, force the nice person to drop the act and go from there.”

“You never did that to me.”

“You kept threatening violence against Frederick in gruesome detail and complaining about old colleagues. I figured you weren’t all that nice in your day to day life.”

“Harsh but accurate. Continue.”

“No matter how much I pushed back he would just roll his eyes and eventually just smile at me. Now would be a good time to note what I previously said about his smile. He was still nice. If anything, the sarcasm just encouraged him. He would snark back at me, and he was actually sharp. One time I swore to myself I’d be nice to him for a whole day, with absolutely no sarcasm. He wore a neon orange and purple polka dot die. It was hideous. But I kept my mouth shut. He was in my office for two hours. Then, as he was leaving he asked ‘What do you think about my tie, Counselor?’ He was  _ taunting me _ . So I finally just told him to burn it, which hopefully he did, and then he told me he’d been wearing it to see how long it would take me to insult it. And then he just smiled that fucking smile at me and I was laughing, and then he was laughing. I think that was a moment.”

“Rafael, how is it possible you only realized you had feelings for him just now?”

“I don’t know! It really seems obvious. But It feels good, right now. At least I know what I’m dealing with now. When I was going through emotions at the precinct I was… confused.”

“It really sounds like he likes you.”

“I can’t ask him out.”

“Why not?”

“Well firstly because he’s not out, and secondly because it might hurt his career. Tonight proves that the squad doesn’t really like him and they’d probably transfer him at their earliest convenience. If he does pass the bar, a relationship with me would mess up his connections in the law sphere, especially when the relationship fails-”

“Why do you think it will fail?” Alex interrupts.

“Because even if he’s genuinely nice, I’m not,” Rafael sighs. “Not to mention I’ve got so much entrenched bullshit I have to deal with that it seems wrong and unreasonable to foist that all on a good Catholic from Staten Island. Inevitably he would need a reason for all my intimacy issues and reflexive need to find the bad in everything and I wouldn’t be able to tell him, not at first. Or I’d just self-sabotage in some extreme way I don’t even know right now.”

“You are nice, Rafael. And you’re not nearly as screwed up or damaged as you’re implying. He’d be lucky to date you.”

“I’m just worried that after some time he won’t see it that way.”

“So in addition to being afraid of him saying no, you’re afraid of him saying yes and then regretting it.”

“Exactly.”

“So… where does that leave us?”

“With many more wallowing occasions to look forward to.”

“Oh, joy.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the words of Brooklyn 99's amazing Rosa Diaz, "romantic epiphanies are dope."
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	44. A tragedy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael loses his grandmother. Alex makes sure he eats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday to me! Unfortunately, no lighthearted story this time.  
> This is another really depressing chapter, so my apologies for that.
> 
> Trigger warning: death of a loved one

Rafael only vaguely remembers calling Alex. He must have done it, because he knows she wouldn’t drop by unannounced and she hasn’t called since this morning. It’s probably the only smart and healthy thing he’s done, calling Alex. He’s happy she’s here. Well, he’s not happy. He’s definitely not happy. Instead of feeling like he’s being crushed by 5,000 lbs of grief and pain, maybe it only feels like 4,999 now. 

“What do you need?” Alex asks. 

“I was tired of being alone in my apartment,” Rafael says instead of answering. It’s true. He’s definitely tired of being in his apartment. His fancy, elitist apartment that his mami hates. His apartment that is everything his abuelita’s is not, or rather  _ was  _ not. His abuelita had loved that apartment. He had tried to take it from her. She was his favorite person and he had tried to take her home away from her. It was the last interaction they ever had.

Over the years when he wanted to make himself miserable he would wonder what would happen when his abuelita died. Usually when she asked him to go over her will with her. He had always assumed that she would die at home, after a long fight at the hospital. He would have advance warning, and he’d tell her all about how much he loved her and about how all the good things that he is, he is because of her. Then she’d hug him one last time and call him ‘el juez’ and he'd break down as soon as he left the room. The exact events varied, but it was always at her home. Maybe some delusional part of him thought that taking her out of her home would stop her from dying. Because if she couldn’t die if she wasn’t at her apartment, she wouldn’t die at the nursing home. Well, he really fucked that one up. And because of it the last words she had ever said to him were angry. Angry and sad. Because she knew she had lost a battle and defeat made her sad. He had done that. She had loved him and supported him even when he felt completely alone in the world and the last thing he had ever done to her was  _ defeat  _ her. 

Wouldn’t his father be proud.

“Do you want me to cook you something?” he hears a voice ask. Oh right, Alex is here. Because he called her. Because at some point he decided he deserved comfort. He doesn’t.

“You should leave.”

“Okay.”

“No, stay,” he says immediately. He looks over at Alex and finds her frozen in place. She should know what you did, he tells himself. She should know who she’s friends with. “I killed her.”

“You didn’t.” Oh. She must know. Liv must have told her. She still showed up. Stupid.

“I-”

“Rafael, you didn’t kill her,” Alex says, stepping closer.

“If I hadn’t-”

“She had a heart condition, Rafael. She’d had a heart condition for over a decade.”

“I exacerbated it.”

“ _ Anything  _ could have exacerbated it. You were just trying to keep her safe.”

“I hurt her.”

“You made the right call.”

“She loved me and I hurt her.”

“What you did was necessary given your situation. She couldn’t live alone anymore. You wanted to make sure she had what she needed.”

“I’m not that nice a person,” Rafael spits. “What actually happened is I was too preoccupied with my own shit to have time to deal with her, so I tried to make her someone else’s problem, and it killed her.”

“That’s not-”

“For the first half of my life she always had time to take care of me. It didn’t matter when. She was working during a lot of it. I can’t remember all the times I would show up at her apartment at random times and she would drop everything to help me. I was a sarcastic little shit to her a lot of the time and she never cared. She kept me alive. All she needed from me was goddamn groceries-” 

“She needed more than-”

“IT DOESN’T MATTER!” Rafael screams, before quieting down. “It doesn’t matter. I should have done whatever it took. I should have bought her every medical alert system money could buy. I should have hired a nurse, or several nurses, I don’t care. Anything other than this…” Rafael opens his mouth to keep talking but no words come out. He feels tears on his face. Alex takes another step forward. Rafael leans into her as she wraps her arms around him.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Rafael. You were trying to take care of her,” Alex soothes as Rafael sobs into her jacket. 

“I miss her,” Rafael says weakly, his sobs calming down to hiccups. “I hadn’t seen her in months prior to a few weeks ago and now it’s been two days and I feel like I can’t live without seeing her.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe. Other times the exhaustion just hits. I’ve barely slept or eaten since it happened.” Alex pulls back slightly.

“Why don’t you sit down on the couch and I’ll cook you something,” Alex suggests gently. 

“You don’t need to.”

“I know. I want to help you, and right now you need food.”

“You don’t need to. Carisi cooked a lot of things and left them for Carmen to drop off. They’re in the refrigerator.”

“Good. My cooking skills are shit anyway,” Alex says bluntly, and Rafael gives her the closest thing to a smile he can muster. “Fettuccine good with you?”

“I doubt I’ll even be able to taste it,” Rafael mutters. Alex nods. “Did you call last night?” he asks her.

“Yes.”

“I don’t remember.”

“Your phone must have been off. It’s fine.”

“No, I don’t remember because I was drunk. I asked because I thought I might have picked up and said something awful.”

“You didn’t.”

“Good.”

“Do you want a drink now?”

“When you died I drank. A lot. I was sober for your funeral and then the night after I almost blacked out after barely hauling myself to my bed. I didn’t want to remember anything. That avoidance made it worse. If it’s okay, do you mind if I just tell you things about Abuelita? In order to… prevent avoidance?”

“Of course I don’t mind.”

“It’s entirely possible I’m going to get emotional again.”

“That’s fine. Healthy, even.” This time, Rafael does manage to snort.

“Imagine that.”

“Rafael.”

“Okay. She used to hide books for me. What I would do, and this was all Abuelita’s idea, was go to the library to study, and then go to her house and unload the books my father wouldn’t like there. Then go back the next morning and pick up my books to read during the day at school. We almost got caught around Christmas when I was 13. I had just had my first real sexuality crisis and as a result of it had turned sharply towards atheism. My father showed up to her apartment and immediately wondered why my deeply Catholic abuelita had Richard Dawkins on her shelf. Abuelita, without missing a beat, told him he would not control what she read in her own goddamn home. I told her we could stop but she said we wouldn’t and I got to read my books, and-” Rafael stops, running a hand over his eyes furiously. Alex sits down next to him. Rafael glances at her and after a moment continues.

“She used to sneak me candy. I know all grandmothers do that but it always made me so happy. It made Mami furious, but she could never prove Abuelita was doing it.

“She used to sing to me, when I went to bed. At all ages. At 16 I informed her that I was practically an adult and didn’t want a lullaby anymore. She just looked at me and said ‘Rafi, as long as you are under my roof, you will listen to my fucking songs.’” Rafael pauses, allowing a few tears to roll down his face. “They were good songs…’

Rafael leans back on the couch, gazing at something on the wall. After a while he shakes his head, wipes his eyes again, and continues.

“When I started middle school she started doing that thing most old women do, where they try to matchmake. She would tell me about nice girls who were the grandchildren of her church friends. When I came out to her she just hugged me and told me that everything would be okay, and that I was still as close to perfect as it is possible to be. She kept matchmaking, but with nice boys.

“More recently, she apparently convinced her whole building I was right about Muñoz. They were complaining about me betraying the community at a dinner Abuelita was cooking for and hosting at her apartment. She hit the main complainer over the head with her wooden spoon and then loudly proclaimed that if Muñoz had asked for pictures from their daughters they would want him dead, so they would all shut up about her precious grandson or they could find somewhere else to eat.

“Every Christmas since I was a toddler she would get me a book and a stuffed animal. As a kid I was always so excited about the stuffed animal. As I grew up, as can be predicted, the books became more important, but I still l liked the stuffed animals. When I say every Christmas, I mean every Christmas. If I wasn’t home she’d ship them to wherever I was.” Rafael stands up abruptly and walks to another room. When he returns he’s holding a small stuffed screech owl. “Last year she got me a biography of Justice Brandeis and uh… this,” he says, setting it down in front of Alex, its yellow eyes glaring up at her. “She… she… said it reminded her of me.” Alex laughs.

“I see the resemblance,” she jokes. Rafael nods, a small smile on his face. 

Rafael shares more stories the rest of the night until he eventually falls asleep on his couch. Alex retrieves a blanket and drapes it over him carefully. She picks up the half-eaten bowl of fettuccine and rinses it off in the sink. Aware she’s done what she can, she returns home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was sad. Again, my apologies. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	45. A lawsuit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael loses track of time. Alex has a theory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter before Christmas, so merry Christmas!  
> Also, you might notice that I have a profile picture now!!! It was created for me by the insanely talented esmeraldablazingsky as a holiday gift and it is my new favorite image. One thing I do miss from my fanfiction.net days was that you could give your story cover art, and if that was a thing on AO3 then it would also be this fic's cover art. It even has Forlini's in the background. Amazing.

“You know, next time you’re going to blow me off, do me the favor of texting me. I have a wife and son I’d like to spend time with,” Alex says, smiling to indicate she’s not actually angry. 

“I’m so sorry,” Rafael says, sitting down next to her. “I swear I thought I was on time last night. Then I checked the actual clock.”

“It’s fine,” Alex says with a shrug. “But tell me why you were late.”

“Work.”

“ _ Work  _ has never distracted you from meeting up with me before. Not to mention that I know just as well as you that you just concluded your most time consuming case.”

“Well, technically, that case is why I forgot.”

“So you were talking to Sonny.”

“It’s possible.”

“Did you have a nice conversation?”

“Well he came by to thank me for how seriously I took his future brother-in-law’s case, as if no prison time for multiple rapes is something to celebrate-”

“You got a conviction, which is more than I can say on this particular crime.”

“I know. And I am generally okay with how things ended given that the defense managed to turn our star witness, the negativity is just instinct.”

“That’s concerning.”

“I know. So Sonny came by to thank me, and I needed to properly thank him for cooking so much food for me after Abuelita passed, so it worked out.”

“And you thanked each other for two hours straight while I languished alone at Forlini’s for at least thirty minutes?”

“Would you believe me if I said yes?”

“Absolutely not.”

“He talked about his family more. He’s very excited to be an uncle again. Apparently his oldest sister has a daughter in high school. This is the sister with expensive taste, not the sister with the multiple failed engagements,” Rafael clarifies.

“I didn’t know either of those things about either of them.”

“Right, of course. We talked about the law briefly, and about how Tommy deserved a better outcome. I asked him if he’s been home often and he told me he hasn't been home except to visit his parents since he left Staten Island SVU.”

“That’s surprising.”

“It’s not if you know the context.”

“I read about how Staten Island PD is facing a lawsuit alleging homophobic discrimination. Is that the context?” 

“I didn’t tell you that,” Rafael says quickly. “He didn’t even say that. He was careful. He pretty much tried to imply it without directly saying the words. So really, you did not hear anything from me.” Alex nods, waving a calming hand at Rafael.

“I had a guess once Liv laid out the timeline for me when she was venting about him,” Alex assures him. “You didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know.”

“How?”

“He’d been transferred a lot. That was odd. I met him and while he did seem very, almost annoyingly, earnest, he didn’t seem like the kind of person who got tossed out on his head for actual, founded reasons. I’ve seen cops who were way worse get away with a lot more, and I know you have as well. So I was suspicious. Then Liv told me about how happy and enthusiastic he was at first, and how the bravado only showed up after Liv talked about transferring him. That seemed like a defense mechanism. Now, what could cause repeated, seemingly baseless transfers from precincts under investigation for homophobic harassment and the sudden appearance of a macho man bravado? My hunch was confirmed when he looked panicked when he almost confessed to being attracted to you the second time I met him, even though he knows I’m married to Liv.”

“How-”

“I’ve been living with a detective for years, Rafael, give me some credit.”

“You’re making me feel like an idiot.”

“Well you haven’t been living with a detective… yet,” Alex says with a teasing smirk. Rafael glares at her. 

“I suppose I walked right into that.”

“You did. You want to hear a fun fact?”

“Sure.”

“Guess who is named in the lawsuit.”

“Who?”

“Your old friend from Brooklyn Homicide.”

“What?” Rafael asks, brow furrowed, until he realizes it. “Not actually.”

“He moved to Staten Island, because apparently they have lower standards there, and he used the Good Old Boys network right up to a Lieutenant’s position.”

“If he hurt Sonny, I’m going to hurt him,” Rafael hisses.

“I called dibs 13 years ago.”

“Dibs have expired.”

“Dibs do not expire.”

“They do when they involve my... Detective Carisi.”

“I get that,” Alex sighs. “Fine. You have dibs. Do what you want.”

“I want to discover the address of that bastard and remind him what happened the last time he crossed me,” Rafael states confidently, but then deflates. “But that would also cause problems for Sonny. Why is it that all the best vengeance ideas that don’t involve risking Sonny do involve breaking the law?”

“Because what you’re thinking of is almost certainly theft, vandalism, or physical violence, all of which are generally bad.”

“I hate laws. Why did we become lawyers?”

“Because we know how to bend the rules now. For example, if you used your DA’s office contacts to get this man’s personal email address and then signed him up for thousands of spam emails a day, that isn’t technically illegal.”

“You’re a genius.”

“Well most people say I’m just petty, but I like your interpretation better.”

“I am going to sign him up for so many spam emails. Do they have spam emails for porn sites? They must, right? That’s not just my SVU brain assuming that everything in the world is messed up and sexual?”

“I’m sure there are.”

“Okay that’s one. This is fun. How about dress stores? Perfectly innocuous and not at all shameful, but it would freak him out. At least if I remember him correctly.”

“Toxic masculinity really makes vengeance so easy,” Alex laughs.

“One would think these supposed ‘macho men’ would stop for purely evolutionary reasons.”

“Agreed.”

“I am very sorry I ditched you,” Rafael says, looking awkwardly at his hands.

“Please. You are officially forgiven.  _ Way _ forgiven. And, if you can, please let Sonny know that if anyone gives him problems, well, it would not be legally advisable to reveal my entire plan to a law enforcement officer, is all I will say.”

“I’ll tell him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you were confused by the Brooklyn Homicide friend reference, it was the dude from chapter 3 that Rafael got suspended for calling him homophobic names. Also, poor Sonny. Will Sonny ever have a good time in this story? Probably not this season. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!!!


	46. An adoption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael attends a party. Alex legally adopts her son.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the last chapter for season 16! 
> 
> Happy Kwanzaa to all who celebrate!

“Olivia and I are having a spat,” Alex explains once she’s fully entered Rafael’s apartment. Rafael takes out a bottle of scotch for them to share. 

“A spat or a fight?”

“A spat, but only because Johnny D is dead. If he was still alive and in a position to use his visitation rights I’d be calling Witness Protection contacts again and Olivia and I would be having a serious talk.”

“It’s that serious?”

“I told her not to put Johnny D as Noah’s birth father. She did because ‘she doesn’t like lying’ and that’s not good enough for me. It’s one thing when she puts a case on the line because of her principles, or even when it hurts me. It’s another thing entirely when it’s our son. She almost ruined his life with this nonsense. Not to mention she gave Johnny D an easy legal win. She made that call without me. I thought we had an agreement. And she subverted that for her ideals. And then she got mad when her actions had consequences. She can’t have her cake and eat it too. No matter how many talks we have about this she doesn’t understand it.”

“That doesn’t sound like a spat. That sounds like a fight.”

“It’s a spat because we fought about it earlier. She admitted she was wrong. It simmered down a little bit after that and now it’s lessened because Johnny D is dead so none of the consequences will stick.”

“I never thought I’d be thankful for that courtroom shooting,” Rafael mutters. Alex’s eyes widen momentarily.

“I didn’t mean-”

“I know. And I’m fine, really. He wasn’t shooting at me. I’m just antsy.”

“Still, it must have been awful, and I’ve just been thinking about Liv and Noah-”

“You were thinking about your wife and your son, Alex. Don’t feel guilty about that.”

“I’ve been a bad friend. You were almost shot. I, more than anyone, should have been there for you.”

“You were where you were needed, Alex. I’m okay, I promise. You know I would tell you if I wasn’t.”

“Are you sure?”

“I wouldn’t lie to you. Are you and Olivia okay?”

“We will be. I just think we need a little space to cool down right now. I understand why she did it. It makes sense, not wanting to lie to our son on a legal document. But I’m still a little too keyed up to actually tell her that. And I know she’s still not willing to accept how much of a strategic failure she made and how strategy in these situations is important. But we’re still going to have family dinner, and tomorrow’s Noah’s official adoption ceremony, so this is the final cooling down period. And also why I’m not drinking tonight,” Alex says, eyeing the bottle of scotch. Rafael shrugs and pours only one glass for himself.

“The post-adoption celebration is still on though, right?” he asks. Alex nods.

“We want to share the moment with our family,” Alex says with a smile. Rafael returns it. 

“You and Olivia do realize your son is going to have three last names, right?”

“We do.”

“What’s your plan?”

“Well the only thing we can do is include all the names. Presumably at school and most other places he’ll go by Noah Cabot-Benson but honestly it’s his choice.”

“You really have this all figured out.”

“I better. I’m an almost obsessive planner by nature and I’m legally adopting my son tomorrow.”

“It’s going to go well, Alex. If you can get through this with all your relationships still intact, you can get through anything.”

“That’s really sweet.”

“It’s accurate. You deserve happiness. And I know it hasn’t been exactly an easy path, but you’ve done brilliantly. I think it’s time to accept your reward.”

“You’re kicking me out of your apartment?”

“Go home to your lovely wife. I don’t want to see you again until the celebration.”

Alex kisses Olivia one last time before rejoining the party. She finds Rafael lurking in the corner.

“Squad parties not your scene?” she jokes, offering him another flute of champagne.

“I dislike hearing about bloody corpses. Sue me.”

“I’m sure that’s not all they talk about.”

“You’d be surprised.”

“You know Amaro’s leaving?”

“Yes. He kind of announced it.”

“Thoughts?”

“None in particular. We’ve been in a mutual state of avoiding each other since his father’s trial,” Rafael says with a sigh. Alex nods.

“There might be a new person.”

“I’m so full of excitement that I’m glowing, have you not noticed?” Rafael asks sarcastically. Alex elbows him playfully.

“I don’t know, last time there was a new person it worked out pretty well for you,” Alex says with a smile. Rafael shushes her, eyes immediately finding Sonny. Alex gives Rafael a skeptical look. Sonny is engrossed in conversation with Amanda and Fin. Where he’s been for the last ten minutes. She wouldn’t have said anything if she thought he could possibly overhear.

“An anomaly,” Rafael retorts. He looks back at Alex before looking at Sonny again. Alex recognizes concern in his eyes.

“How is he?” Alex asks.

“I think a little worse than the rest of us, save Amaro and Judge Barth. He was in the courtroom too and the last time I saw him he was kneeling over the dead guard.”

“Yikes.”

“I’m sorry. I know this is supposed to be a happy occasion.”

“It doesn’t exist in a vacuum. I don’t think it’s right to properly celebrate Noah’s adoption without at least acknowledging what came before it.”

“Wasn’t it you who said we deserve whimsy in our lives?”

“We’re standing in the corner of a room at a party, drinking champagne flutes. Tonight I’m going to read  _ Officer Buckle and Gloria  _ to my son and right now you’re making heart eyes at a coworker. How much more whimsy do you want?”

“I don’t know. A couple more balloons would be nice.”

“Ouch. Hit me where it hurts. Right in the party planning skills.”

“You did okay. Even if you skimped on balloons.”

“You know, this party is supposed to celebrate me and my family. In theory  _ you  _ should have planned it.”

“It wouldn’t be fair to the detectives. I doubt they have nice enough suits for that.”

“Snob.”

“I would agree except that I’m infatuated with someone from Staten Island.”

“That doesn’t make you not a snob. The snob part of your brain is not the same part as the in love part of your brain.”

“No one said anything about love.”

“I had to plan my own party, Rafael. Humor me.”

“Okay fine, I see your point.”

“Victory!”

“Be quiet.”

“Thanks for coming,” Alex says, grabbing Rafael’s coat from the closet and handing it to him.

“Thanks for throwing this,” Rafael says warmly. “Congratulations. I couldn’t be happier for you.”

“Thanks for the gifts. You really didn’t have to.”

“Yes I did. Tell him that’s what he’s getting from me every time a celebration calls for it. A book and a stuffed animal.”

“I will.”

“Goodnight, Alex.”

“Goodnight, Rafael.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I think overall that was a pretty light chapter. Though that's probably a concerning indicator about this story's overall levels of darkness more than this chapter is actually fluff. 
> 
> Additionally, something I forgot to mention: After the stuffed screech owl thing from two chapters ago I was inspired to create a short slideshow titled "Rafael as Owls" which is pretty much what it sounds like. It's pictures of owls that look like pictures of Rafael and the two pictures side by side. If anyone is interested in seeing it I can start attaching links to the images at the ends of the next few chapters.


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael wins a case. Alex manages a situaiton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to season 17 chapters! There is definitely some serious angst in this season, but the first few chapters (including this one) are pretty much fluff.

“Victory is mine, victory is mine, great day in the morning people, victory is mine,” Rafael says with a confident smile, walking up to Alex and handing her a drink as the rest of the squad celebrates around them. “I drink from the keg of glory today, Alex. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.”

“Really, Rafael? Quoting _The West Wing_?” 

“It’s fitting.”

“Well I suppose you and Josh Lyman both have an issue with sexist comments.”

“I am really so sorry for that, Alex. I don’t even know what I was thinking.”

“You were thinking Olivia and Rollins couldn’t do their jobs because they’re women who either have or are about to have children.”

“I really wasn’t. I was just frustrated. The comment was out of my mouth before I could stop it and I really do regret it. I’ve groveled at both Liv and Rollins’ feet, if it’s any consolation.”

“Well if Liv forgives you then I think we’re good. But don’t do it again.”

“Never,” Rafael promises. “I am so sorry.”

“We know you’re not that kind of person, Rafa. Now, tell me all about why I got dragged to a squad party at Forlini’s.”

“We’ve essentially caused an overhaul of Child Protective Services. Even City Hall is getting involved now. I’ve spoken to at least three City Councillors. Not to mention the convictions I got on two bureaucrats who enabled the death of a young girl.”

“That’s incredible.”

“It’s why I got into prosecution. I wanted to make things better for people and improve the lives of children who were suffering. And now I really think we’re going to change things. I think we held people responsible for their actions and people know now that you can’t just pretend child abuse isn’t happening, especially not when it’s your job to catch it.”

“You really did a great thing, Rafael. You should be proud.”

“Everyone was talking about the political consequences for me and I honestly couldn’t bring myself to care. I’m not trying to be self-righteous. I know that there is a certain amount of politics inherent to our work and to function best we need to maintain our relationships, but… Alex, they were children and they were starved.”

“You got justice for them. You showed people what doing your job well looks like. And, if it’s any consolation, that usually has positive political consequences.”

“Icing on the cake,” Rafael says with a small smile. He sighs and says more seriously, “I had practically convinced myself that this victory was impossible, because the jury would still see those children as case numbers and abandoning them as nothing more than ‘falling behind on paperwork.’”

“But they saw, Rafa. You made them see.”

“Yeah. Yeah I did.” Alex smiles softly when she sees Rafael’s expression. She spots Sonny walking towards them and nudges Rafael.

“Look who’s here,” Alex says brightly. Rafael wipes his eyes quickly and fixes his mouth into a smile.

“Hello, Detective,” Rafael greets. 

“Hey, Counselors. I hope I’m not interrupting.” Before Alex can respond Rafael cuts in.

“Uh, you weren’t, Detective.”

“Great! Okay, I just wanted to tell you, Barba, that you did a really good job, a great job, and you should be proud.”

“Thank you, Carisi. You, uh… you did well as well. With, uh, Keith. We needed his testimony. So thank you.” Alex raises her eyebrows slightly, noting Rafael’s awkwardness, but Sonny beams.

“Do you want me to be here?” Alex asks. “I can go talk to Liv.”

“No, stay,” Sonny says. “I, uh, I had something I wanted to say to you too. Both of you should hear this. I, uh…”

“The remaining hours of the day are fading, Carisi,” Rafael snips playfully. Sonny smiles and Alex fights the urge to roll her eyes.

“Yeah, okay. Sorry, this just doesn’t get any easier. I… I’m gay,” Sonny says anxiously, glancing at the floor. Rafael blinks. He didn’t expect Sonny to tell him, or anyone for that matter, in such a public place. Alex seems to agree, but recovers more quickly.

“Thanks for telling us. Rafael and I get drinks after hate crimes cases sometimes, you can join us if you ever feel like you need to.”

‘ “So… it’s okay? You’re not uncomfortable?” Sonny asks, making eye contact with Rafael.

“Of course it’s okay, Sonny. Alex and I are as well, so you’ll never get any judgement from us.”

“You are? I mean I knew about Alex, but…”

“I came out to the squad about three years ago after an ugly murder case. You weren’t at Manhattan SVU yet, so I guess you didn’t know. I’ve never faced any problems for it, especially since even then Olivia held a large amount of power within the squad. Now that she’s the commanding officer I imagine it’s even safer.”

“Well, now I feel stupid. I should have been able to notice a boyfriend if you were out,” Sonny says sheepishly. 

“Don’t feel down on yourself, Detective. There hasn’t been much to notice. I’ve been pretty much perpetually single since joining Manhattan SVU”

“Yeah, me too. I haven’t had that much time outside of work, you know, so I'm still single,” Sonny supplies. Alex strongly considers just going to find Olivia.

“Oh, good,” Rafael says immediately. Never mind. Alex is clearly needed here. “I mean, not _good_ , but, you know, okay, noted-”

“Rafael, it seems like Sonny could use a celebratory drink and I know you and I are running a little low, why don’t you go over and order us some more alcohol from the bar,” Alex suggests. Rafael nods, relieved, and quickly moves away from them.

“Hey, Alex, I’m actually glad we’re alone, I wanted to talk to you. I already said this to the Lieutenant, but it kind of applies to you as well. I just want to say thank you for accepting me, even before I came out. And I guess I also wanted to thank you because having an openly LGBT commanding officer, especially one in such a happy relationship, meant a lot. It made me feel a lot safer.”

“I’m glad. You should come over for dinner and we can tell you the whole drawn out story.”

“Nah, you’ll come over to me. I can cook.”

“I know. It was really sweet, what you did for Rafael.”

“My nonna passed a few years ago. I know what that’s like.” Alex nods sympathetically.

“Still, you didn’t have to. I can’t imagine you have much free time.”

“I don’t, but I figure neither does Barba on a good day and the least I could do was cook him some good pasta. My nonna’s recipe, actually.”

“You’re a good person, Sonny. A great addition to whatever family we have here.” Sonny beams but then his face falls. 

“I wouldn’t say that…” Sonny says guiltily. “I, uh… my motives for making all that food might not be entirely above board.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Alex asks, raising an eyebrow.

“I honestly shouldn’t be saying this to you, Barba’s best friend. I’m sorry, forget about it. How’s Noah?”

“Noah’s good, thank you for asking, but you forget I’ve been a prosecutor for a very long time, so I’ll ask again, what did you mean that your motives were not above board?”

“I, uh, I might like Barba, a little bit. I’m not gonna be creepy, or anything, but maybe I did cook him a lot of food so that he’d maybe like me. Or think I’m a good guy, at least. And, uh, maybe I wouldn’t have done that for the other people on the squad. I heard that Barba had lost someone and my brain just went ‘Okay Sonny, time to bake a lot of food’ and before I knew it I had like five different things to bring over. I wanted him to feel better, but it’s not ‘cause I’m a good guy, it’s ‘cause I like him. So yeah, I’m not nice.”

“I don’t see that as refuting anything I said.”

“Alex, look, I appreciate that you’re trying to be nice…”

“I rarely smooth things over just to be nice. Cooking food for someone who is having a hard time is kind, but beyond that, the fact that you prioritized telling me the truth over preserving your dignity tells me that you’re a good person.”

“I did just do that. Crap.”

“It’s fine, Sonny. May I offer you some advice?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Next time you find a moment, ask him out. It’ll go well.” Sonny’s eyes widen as Alex smiles at him. He turns around slightly and almost jumps when he notices Rafael returning from the bar. 

“He’s coming back, what do I do?” Sonny hisses.

“Excuse yourself and go talk to Rollins. We both know you have an awful poker face,” Alex advises. Sonny nods and walks off quickly. 

“You have a nice chat with Carisi?” Rafael asks, handing Alex a drink. “He left pretty quickly, I was going to give him his drink.”

“It was quite the informative conversation. As for the drink, I’m sure we can take care of it on our own.”

“That is true,” Rafael says with a smirk. He lifts his glass to Alex. “To victory. Let’s enjoy this one and then obtain more.”

“Here here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay for Sonny having a slightly better time! Next chapter is a big (good things happen) chapter for Barisi, so stay tuned if that's your ship! Also stay tuned if you like Alex being a matchmaker because she definitely does that. 
> 
> As promised, here is a link to an owl picture: https://i.postimg.cc/kGjS4VZV/Image-12-28-20-at-3-30-PM.jpg
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	48. A shadow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael has assistance on a case. Alex gives clothes advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late posting time, once again my excuse is medical. I had to go have a test done to see what the chest pain is and they had to put me under so I was kind of loopy for most of the afternoon. 
> 
> This is a big chapter though! I'm excited to present it.

“You devious, matchmaking annoyance,” Rafael says into the phone.

“Hello to you too, Rafael.”

“Liv is understaffed. There’s no way in hell she’d just let Carisi shadow me.”

“She let him shadow you?” Alex asks innocently.

“She did. And you damn well know it.”

“You told me how overworked you are with this case because of the confession issues, which are bullshit, by the way, and Sonny is in law school. I may have mentioned to Liv how important these types of experiences are to a person who is studying the law, and urged her to let Sonny shadow you if he asked.”

“That’s it?”

“You know Liv would never get involved in Sonny’s personal life, and also that her unit is much more important to her than your lousy love life, Rafael.”

“That’s true.”

“So… how is it going?”

“In court? Poorly. I can’t mention the kidnapping case.”

“Well, they’re two separate crimes and he hasn’t been charged with kidnapping.” Alex hears Rafael sigh.

“I know that. I was just hoping we’d maybe get a judge who was partial towards putting the child murderer in jail, but oh well. Guess who the defense lawyer is.”

“I’m pretty sure Hodda has a public defender, right?”

“Not anymore. Lisa Hassler. Someone apparently forgot to tell her her father is already dead and can’t become more proud of her.”

“You really want to judge people’s family issues, Rafael?” Alex can hear another sigh through the phone. 

“True, it’s probably not wise. I’m just irritated because she called Carisi ‘arm candy.’”

“You’re mad at her because you two have similar tastes?”

“Be quiet.”

“How is Carisi, by the way?”

“Excited. I doubt it will last given what we’re up against but it’s sweet. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone so thrilled to do paperwork.”

“That sounds nice.”

“It makes my life simultaneously much easier and much more difficult. Every time he says something about how well voir dire went or how interesting motions filing is I’m about two seconds away from asking him out.”

“Maybe you should just do it then. It would solve the problem.”

“I’m hanging up on you.”

“See you later, Rafa.”

Rafael sighs as he sets his papers down. He’s frustrated at Olivia, but he doesn’t have the brain space to be  _ properly  _ frustrated at Olivia. Between the case and Carisi, he had little head space for anything else. 

And to be honest, he was struggling to focus on the case. Ever since he learned that Carisi had spent most of his day rewatching the confession in order to be helpful, even though he was a shadow so he wasn’t even supposed to help. Ever since Carisi made his inane ‘crazy but not  _ crazy _ ’ comment with a sweet little smile. Rafael had wondered what it would be like to kiss Carisi off and on for most of the time they had known each other, but never had such a strong urge to do it right there and then as in that moment. He pinches the bridge of his nose. 

He’s going to ask out Carisi. If only because now he’s well aware of how much easier it is to get up in the morning knowing he’s going to spend the day with him. He almost looked forward to the gruesome court sessions if it meant more of Carisi’s extended pats on the shoulder or arm. He’s truly pathetic. Maybe if he asked nicely Carisi would hold his hand. His phone rings.

“What do you want?” Rafael grunts after reading the caller ID.

“Olivia sent me as an envoy of peace.”

“Did she?”

“She’s sorry for getting defensive before.”

“If I were in her position I probably would have reacted the same way.”

“Still. She shouldn’t have taken it out on you. She feels like the problem in this case, not to mention she feels like her friend betrayed her and it’s making her antsy.”

“She’s not the problem. She did what she had to do. As for Dr. Huang, I am truly sorry.”

“Honestly I wasn’t too hurt. Maybe it’s just because I’ve known Rita for so long but I’m just happy that at least he’s out of Oklahoma. He hated it there.”

“I’m pretty sure everyone living in Oklahoma hates it there.”

“True. So everything’s okay? I can tell Olivia that no in-person groveling needs to take place?”

“Everything’s great. Though a bottle of scotch wouldn’t be unappreciated.”

“I’ll tell her.”

“Is Rollins doing okay?” Rafael asks, sitting down beside Sonny at the precinct.

“Yeah,” Sonny says happily. “She had a little girl. Her name is Jesse.”

“That’s great,” Rafael says, smiling genuinely. “I’ll have to send her something. I’m pretty sure I was the only one of the squad not to end up at the hospital.”

“Nah, she understands,” Carisi assures him. “Uh, before I went to the hospital, there was something I was meaning to ask you.”

“Well, ask me.”

“Even if it’s a legal question?” Sonny asks, grinning. 

“Is it a legal question?” Rafael counters, feeling slightly disappointed. 

“No. It’s… uh. Well, I want to start by saying how great it’s been working with you this past while. And don’t say I was just shadowing because you know and I know that I helped. And I enjoyed the law part of it a lot, don’t get me wrong, but I also really liked spending time with you. I’ve always really liked spending time with you. So, I was wondering if maybe you’d like to get dinner sometime?” Rafael blinks. Well. Okay.  _ Say something _ , he hisses to himself. 

“That’d be great. Forlini’s tomorrow night?” There. That was a sentence that was actually not too mangled.

“I, uh, I didn’t mean it like just a squad thing. I meant like you and me. On a date.” Rafael sighs, but he’s smiling.

“This misunderstanding is really Alex’s fault for introducing the squad to Forlini’s as a bar to celebrate at. It’s a restaurant too. The food is actually pretty incredible if you know what to get, which I do. But obviously we don’t have to go there. I was just hoping to wow you with the fact that I didn’t need a menu to get great food.” Sonny beams at him.

“So you’re saying yes, then?”

“I’m saying absolutely yes.”

“Alex!” Rafael calls through the telephone, pacing in front of his closet.

“Rafael! What is it?”

“I have a date in…” he checks his phone, “...one hour, and I need your help to figure out what to wear.”

“Rafael I swear to God if you asked out some random guy just to avoid Sonny…” 

“No. The date is with Sonny.”

“And I’m just hearing about this now?”

“Yes, Alexandra. Consider yourself lucky. You’re the first person to know. Now help.”

“Since when do you need help dressing yourself?”

“I don’t need help  _ dressing myself _ ,” Rafael hisses, offended. “I’m concerned that I come off as too harsh, and while that works wonders professionally, it is not the attitude I want to present with Sonny.”

“You’re worried about seeming intimidating?”

“Possibly. A lot of my relationships failed because I kept up the same professional veneer early on, and then when that stopped they didn’t like me anymore. I don’t want that to happen this time. I want it to be clear. What ‘it’ is I’m not entirely sure, but I don’t want to go in with a facade. Not again. Not with Sonny.”

“Okay. I have a suggestion.”

“Thank you. What is it?”

“The pink suspenders with the pink tie.”

“Excuse me?”

“You definitely pull it off, but it’s not intimidating. It’s very difficult to be intimidating wearing a pink tie and matching pink striped suspenders.”

“I intimidated a corrupt DA in that outfit.”

“But only barely, and only when you were giving it maximum effort. You can’t  _ unintentionally  _ intimidate anyone.”

“I see your point. I’ll consider it.”

“You really don’t have that kind of time. Rafael, it looks good on you, and if Sonny is interested in you then chances are he’s more than okay with your more flamboyant clothing choices.”

“You’re right. I’ll wear it. Thank you.”

“Good choice. Expect several annoying phone calls asking for details tomorrow.”

“I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is official, both ships that will be included are together! Yay to Alex for her plan finally succeeding.
> 
> Here is another owl picture: https://i.postimg.cc/Dyz3PJDD/Image-12-30-20-at-4-49-PM.jpg
> 
> Thanks for reading, see you next year!


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael celebrates his boyfriend. Alex hosts a party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 2021, people! Let's hope this year is better than the last.
> 
> This chapter is the closest this story every comes to a chapter of solid relationship fluff, and that serves a few related purposes. First of all, it's my way of trying to include Sonny more to make up for his absence in the first forty chapters. In the same vein, it's also my way of making it up to Barisi readers who were very very patient. It also is the last bit of 100% fluff you get before mid season 18. After this is religious turmoil, then Rafael's death threats, then Sonny almost dies, then the fallout from that. So I wanted to have an entirely fluffy chapter for balance, and also to illustrate Rafael and Sonny's relationship looks like during happy times before the Unhappy Times start.

“Look, Raf, we don’t have to do this. I know I said it would be nice to go somewhere but we coulda just stayed in and watched _Heart’s Desire_ or something.”

“Well first, I would never watch _Heart’s Desire_ unironically and you get mad at me when I insult the contestants, and secondly you took the bar, Sonny. That’s huge. You deserve to be celebrated.”

“I really don’t know if it’s a good idea to be celebrating something you haven’t actually passed yet, is all.”

“You’re afraid of tempting the wrath of the whatever, high atop the thing?” Rafael asks.

“Well we’re a little more specific than that in Catholicism, Rafi,” Sonny retorts, smirking fondly. Rafael laughs, deliberately choosing to let the nickname go. He smiles up at Sonny happily.

“Sonny, if you really don’t want to celebrate, we can just go back to your apartment. I wouldn’t want to drag you to the party-” Rafael freezes. Sonny furrows his brow.

“Party? I thought we were just getting a couple drinks.”

“Well, ‘party’ might be a strong word…”

“ _Rafael_ , what did you do?”

“ _I_ didn’t do anything! I may have just mentioned to Alex that you took the bar, and you know how Alex is with events-”

“I actually don’t know how Alex is with events.”

“Do you remember Olivia’s birthday party?”

“The Lieutenant? Apparently all her birthday parties are laser tag. That’s not really impressive.”

“Exactly. Which means Alex has extra party planning energy left over.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“Yes it does. Assume that for every large event such as a birthday or holiday, Alex has about 100 party planning points. Laser tag for Olivia only uses about 20, so the other 80 have to go somewhere else.”

“And you told her I took the bar…”

“Exactly.”

“Well we obviously gotta go.”

“We really don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I want to. It sounds like a place to get good cake.”

“A man after my own heart.”

“You betcha, Raf. And I’m gonna get it.” Rafael blinks but then realizes what he said. He laughs as Sonny pulls him in for a quick kiss.

“It’s possible you already have it,” he whispers before grabbing Sonny by the hand and yanking him into Forlini’s before he can respond.

Rita fires a confetti machine. Sonny watches the confetti with his mouth half-open. Rollins runs up to them, holding party hats. Sonny eagerly takes both of them and gleefully rests one on top of Rafael’s head. Rafael glares but doesn’t remove it.

“Welcome to the party, Counselors,” Rollins says with a happy smile.

“Rollins, I haven’t even passed yet-”

“Gut feeling, Sonny, did you pass?” Alex asks, walking up to join them.

“Yeah. Yeah I passed. I think I actually did pretty great,” Sonny admits, smiling widely.

“Then we’re celebrating. Cake is there,” she says, gesturing to a large chocolate cake sitting in the middle of a table. “I insisted that the rest of these heathens couldn’t touch the cake until you got here.”

“Thanks, Alex. You really didn’t have to do this.”

“Please, it was my pleasure.”

“Come on, Carisi, we’ve been waiting like a half hour for cake and everyone’s hungry, get your ass over there,” Rollins demands. As Sonny is herded away, Rafael stands next to Alex as they slowly make their way towards the cake.

“Thanks, Alex. You really didn’t have to do this.”

“After the whole mess with Abraham we all deserve some levity. Besides, I imagine you two have been preparing for Sonny taking the bar obsessively for months. You need sleep and cake, but unfortunately the job only really lets you have one.”

“I’m almost going to miss it. Half of our dates have been loosely disguised study dates. What if he’s just using me for bar prep?” Rafael jokes. Alex rolls her eyes.

“Yep. That’s what he’s doing. Time to pack up the drawer and his place he’s no doubt offered you already.”

“Sometimes I am convinced you’re psychic.”

“Like it takes a psychic to read Sonny Carisi.”

“He actually has a very deep, thoughtful mind-”

“No need to defend his honor, Rafa, I was just implying that he lacked subtlety.”

“I would continue to object if I didn’t agree with you. I don’t even think it’s a bad thing necessarily, which I never thought I’d say.” 

“He wears his heart on his sleeve. You need someone like that in your life,” Alex agrees. Rafael nods. Olivia joins them, handing Alex a slice of cake.

“Mind if I intrude?” she asks.

“Not at all,” Alex assures her, smiling warmly.

“It’s a shame this party is for Sonny,” Olivia sighs, “usually for every celebration he bakes and it’s the best food we have all month.”

“I knew it. You’ve been using him for cake. Some things never change,” Alex retorts playfully.

“You got me. Probably my most empathetic detective is only good for his cooking skills.”

“I remember when you insisted he was a trainwreck,” Rafael comments.

“I remember that you were right there with me, _Raf_ ,” Olivia counters.

“Let’s just all agree we were wrong,” Alex says.

“No need to sell yourself short on our account, Al, you were right on the money,” Olivia responds.

“Contrary to popular belief not all people with blonde hair and blue eyes are ditzes. I made a judgement call. And I was right. Sonny just took the bar.” As if summoned, Sonny walks up to them, holding two pieces of cake.

“Here, Raf, I got you this,” Sonny says, handing Rafael one of the pieces. “It took me a while to get away from those winners,” he snarks good-naturedly, gesturing at Fin and Rollins. “I hope I’m not interrupting.”

“We were just talking about how great a detective you are,” Alex says genuinely.

“Yeah, right.” Sonny raises his eyebrows at Rafael, who just shrugs. Olivia and Alex exchange a smirk. “Anyway, Lieu, I just wanted to thank you for being so supportive of my law education. It meant a lot.”

“First, Sonny, it’s no problem. Though I am now going to have to deal with _three_ lawyers now instead of just two, which I admit is a bit intimidating. Second, call me Olivia. This is an informal gathering in your honor, for God’s sake.”

“Uh, okay, Olivia.” Sonny pauses. “This feels weird.”

“Well, get used to it. We’re going to have a lot of these events, I think. These two-” Olivia starts, gesturing at Alex and Rafael, “-are practically joined at the hip.”

“Oh, if you want to talk about _joined at the hip_ ,” Alex says to Olivia in a low voice, narrowing her eyes and smirking. Rafael grabs Sonny’s hand.

“Come on, let’s go somewhere else.” Once they’re a decent distance away, Rafael sighs. “Sorry. I thought when they got married they would stop but apparently not.”

“Nah, it’s okay,” Sonny assures him. “You know, since we just disclosed we could probably flirt outrageously and grossly in front of our friends and no one could stop us.”

“I have too much dignity for that.”

“Uh huh.” Sonny pauses. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why is _Rita Calhoun_ at my party?”

“Oh, right. Well, Rita and I go way back. She’s actually not bad company. She and Alex have some sort of unspoken agreement that she gets to fire the confetti machine, so she’s definitely another thing you’re going to have to get used to at these events.”

“I look forward to it,” Sonny says sincerely.

“You don’t have to lie about it on my behalf,” Rafael assures him. Sonny just sighs and puts a hand on Rafael’s shoulder.

“I mean it, Raf. I want to meet all your friends. I want to learn about you. I want to spend time with your ‘family, such as it is.’” Rafael laughs, recalling the term he had used when he first showed Sonny a picture of himself, Alex, Olivia, his mami, and his abuelita all standing in front of Abuelita's Christmas tree. Rafael puts his cake down on the nearest table Alex had booked, swings a hand around Sonny’s neck, and pulls him down for a kiss.

“You really are the best,” he says once they part.

“I know,” Sonny says cheekily. Rafael glowers at him ,but he can’t find it in himself to take his statement back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully starting this year off with some fluff will get me some points with the universe.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	50. A wound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael struggles with the aftermath of a case. Alex worries about Olivia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 50, everyone! Thanks for all your support.
> 
> So this chapter is kind of all over the place, but I figure most conversations cover a range of topics, especially since sometimes when you start talking about your problems everything else just comes out. This covers two different angst issues because I'm not covering "Townhouse Incident" and instead shoving the aftermath of that into this chapter (based on "Manhattan Transfer"). The main reason for that is because I feel like it's the same brand of angst that I've already done, and quite recently, with the William Lewis chapter: the Olivia-is-in-serious-danger-and-Alex-is-frightened angst. It's too specific to do again, so it didn't merit it's own chapter. I've covered certain topics like Rafael's father in two chapters but I felt like I could make them sufficiently different that they wouldn't feel repetitive. Sonny's religious angst will also be addressed next chapter, but I think that's more of a continuation than a repeat.

“That was a fucking shit show,” Alex sighs, taking a long sip from her drink as Rafael sits across from her at Forlini’s.

“You’re telling me. Liv got her job back, right?”

“Yes. I told her it was a horrible idea to go to bat for  _ Tucker  _ of all people but when Olivia wants to save somebody she really never stops trying.”

“You think this is still about the girl from the townhouse?”

“She was tied to a bed but in her mind she should have broken free and beat the shit out of the rapist, never mind that that was physically impossible and would have certainly resulted in her death. So now she wants to save  _ everyone _ , even IAB bastards she hates.”

“Even if it risks her job?”

“Apparently. She’s got her job back so she still thinks she made the right call.”

“You set her straight?”

“Not about the job thing. Honestly at first I was happy when she got transferred to a desk job. After what happened… I thought it might be a good idea. The man from the townhouse… he made a point about Noah. She has something to live for now, even beyond me and her friends. She shot me down, which is fair, and I’m happy she got what she wanted, but I’m not doing cartwheels because she’s going to be back in the field.”

“That’s understandable.”

“I never thought that’d I be that kind of wife, you know? The kind that wants to keep their spouse out of the field. I always thought I’d be the super understanding one.”

“And you were until you had a child. Olivia needs to be alive for that child, if not at home.”

“I was terrified, Rafael. When I got the William Lewis text half of my brain was convinced he was somehow still alive and had kidnapped her again.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t know if I could make it as a single parent,” Alex admits, staring at her hands clasped on the table. 

“Alex, that’s not going to happen.”

“It might, though. It might. She got hurt, and I just shoved all the negative thoughts down and just focussed on her and our family being okay. But she’s going  _ back  _ in the field. It could happen again. She could die. We go to funerals for police officers at least once a year. If Liv died… I don’t know what would happen.”

“You would make it.”

“You can’t be sure of that. Everyone knows that between the two of us Liv is the star parent. I’m just… window dressing.”

“That’s patently false.”

“It’s not.”

“Alex, who reads to him every single night, when half the time Liv isn’t even able to make it home?”

“Me.”

“And who stayed with him every single night he was at the hospital, simultaneously making sure he wasn’t scared and answering all the social worker’s questions?”

“Me.”

“And who took Noah to every single physical therapy appointment so he hit his developmental milestones even after everything he’s been through?”

“Me.”

“And what did you call his PT exercises when he started having a tantrum?”

“Knight training.”

“You’re a great parent, Alex. If something happened to Olivia, then you’d get through it. We’d all help you. I want you to know that.”

“I do know it, Rafa. It’s just… unpleasant. Thinking about what would happen if Liv died. It takes me to dark places.”

“That’s understandable,” Rafael assures her, squeezing her arm lightly. After an extended pause, Alex sighs.

“Speaking of unpleasant, I imagine this case didn’t go over too well with Sonny.”

“That would be an understatement. He apparently thought his conflict with the church could be solved with more church, and when that didn’t work he was at a loss.”

“It makes sense in a way, I guess. He thought he could deal with the presence of corrupt Catholics in his life by being a righteous Catholic.”

“Well all it did was make him think that maybe he wasn’t a righteous Catholic.”

“Rafael,” Alex whispers, concerned. 

“The gay priest blackmailed into sex trafficking was maybe not the best case for someone who almost became a gay priest.”

“Are you two… okay?”

“Yes. We’re okay. He told me that he was sure of who he is and of our relationship, and that talking to me helped, because it reminded him that who he is good and that he can be happy. The case just dredged up some shit for him.”

“I can’t imagine.”

“He still practices Catholicism, though. He still believes that the people who told him he was going to Hell and the corrupt priests just got what the religion was about wrong. He’s able to separate the principles from the people. It impresses me, but it doesn’t surprise me. That’s just who he is. I know I couldn’t do it.”

“I wouldn’t know. I wasn’t raised religious. We went to church on Easter and Christmas to appease my grandmother, but that was pretty much it. My parents had other things to be overly concerned about.”

“The church lost me long before I formally left. Before I knew I was gay, even. Somewhere around eight years old when I asked my Sunday school teacher if ‘honor thy father’ meant in all situations no matter what and he responded in the affirmative.”

“That seems like a horrible lesson to teach children.”

“I couldn’t believe in a God that believed those kinds of things. Every religious authority I spoke to said that God  _ did _ believe those things. So I left. I never went to church in college. I considered it a clean break. Mami was displeased, but understood. Abuelita just told me ‘Rafi, after the way those people talked about you, I’d be worried for you if you still believed what they said.’ She was Catholic but she was like Sonny. She saw the good in religion that I just couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried.” 

“She had a point, when she told you that.”

“She always did,” Rafael says with a sad smile. He clears his throat. “Sonny didn’t go to mass on Sunday.”

“Is that normal?”

“Not at all.”

“I thought you said he was doing okay with the case and his religion.”

“He is, but broadly. And I’m not sure how much of what he said was where he’s at or where he wants to be. Right now he feels like he was played. And he feels like he can’t trust anyone.”

“I hope you know that if he needs a couple days off I’m sure Liv would be sympathetic.”

“He doesn’t want that, but maybe I should encourage it? I… I’m not good at this. I don’t know what to do. I’m really trying to be a good boyfriend. I am. On Sunday I invited him over to my place for breakfast and I made all the waffles I possibly could in the time allowed, and we did the crossword. He was good at it. I… I think that he had a good time. But what if he didn’t?”

“I’m sure he did. It sounds like a nice morning.”

“I just don’t know what to do, Alex. I don’t want to mess this up. I can’t mess this up.”

“You won’t, okay? It sounds like you’re doing great by just being there with him and respecting his choices. He’ll go back to his normal level of involvement or he won’t.”

“I don’t want him to feel like I’m trying to force him out of the Church.”

“Rafael, you know I love you, but you’re being a bit conceited.  _ You _ aren’t causing Sonny’s potential split with the Church,  _ the fucking sex trafficking ring the Church operated  _ is causing Sonny’s potential split with the Church, which might not even happen.”

“You’re right. Of course you are, and I know that. But I... I don’t want to hurt him. I’m scared I’m going to hurt him by accident. Because I’ve done that before. Sometimes I worry I’ll make a mistake and he’ll realize all the bad things about me that he’s managed to ignore.”

“I don’t say this lightly, but I think that’s Frederick talking.”

“What?”

“You don’t hurt people. There aren’t terrible things about you that you’ve tricked the people who love you into not seeing. And if you think back to how you felt yesterday, or on Sunday, you know that you make Sonny happy. You can’t take away his pain, but that doesn’t make you useless. This is something he has to work through on his own.”

“Thank you for saying that. I… I’ll try to believe it.”

“Good. It’s something I learned after many years of being with Olivia. Sometimes the people who we love are hurt. All we can do is be there for them if and when they need us.”

“I do love him. I haven’t told him yet… but I do.”

“I know.”

“Do you think he loves me?” Rafael blurts out. He’s immediately embarrassed, breaking eye contact with Alex and fiddling with his napkin. “It’s still pretty new, our relationship. Sometimes I’m sure that he does but other times I wonder if what I perceive as love is just Sonny being, well, Sonny.”

“I’m positive that he does.”

“How could you possibly know that?”

“Because he looks at you the way you look at him: like he cured cancer while simultaneously saving your entire family from a hurricane.”

“That sounds horribly corny.”

“Imagine having to watch it.”

“I am truly, deeply sorry,” Rafael says with a small smile.

“It’s fine. I figure I owe you for all the years you put up with me and Olivia.”

“We can agree on that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of those one's where everyone just has a rough time. Next chapter will end happier, at least. 
> 
> See you next time for the "Sheltered Outcasts" chapter aka Sonny goes undercover. Kind of a continuation/resolution of this angst, some brief conflict between Olivia and Rafael while Rafael tries to help Sonny, and Alex kind of caught in the middle of everything.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	51. A mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael worries about Sonny's undercover mission. Alex helps Rafael work things out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second to last chapter of season 17! This one is similar in tone to the previous chapter.
> 
> Also I realize I've forgotten to share more owl pictures. I will rectify that in the ending notes of this chapter.

“Alex can you meet me at Forlini’s in fifteen minutes?” Rafael asks through the phone. Olivia looks at Alex quizzically and Alex mouths ‘Rafael’ before turning her attention back to the phone. Olivia looks guilty for a split second before picking up their TV remote and starting to channel surf.

“Liv and I were kind of planning a quiet night in, but you can come to us?”

“I don’t want to see Olivia right now.”

“Rafael-”

“She sent him back, Alex. She sent him back after he almost got beaten to death with a baseball bat. So no, I don’t want to speak to Olivia.”

“Look-”

“I can’t talk about this over the phone. Forlini’s, yes or no?”

“I’ll be there.” 

“You’re leaving?” Olivia asks as Alex ventures into the hallway to grab her purse.

“Yeah. Sorry. I know you wanted to watch some trash, it’s just that Rafael seems like he’s not doing so well, and with Sonny being away, I should talk to him.”

“I’m not complaining,” Olivia sighs. “If it were me undercover and Sonny in charge you’d probably want his head on a stick. Just tell him for what it’s worth, it was Sonny’s decision.” 

“Thanks for coming.”

“Of course.”

“I’m sorry for interrupting your evening.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“You wouldn’t happen to have any updates, would you?” Rafael asks with an edge of desperation in his voice.

“Rafael, I don’t even work at SVU.”

“But you live with Olivia, maybe she heard something-”

“There’s nothing, Rafi. Nothing you haven’t heard.”

“I don’t like thinking he’s at _that place_ right now. I don’t like thinking that I’m here, sitting on a comfortable bar stool and talking to my friend while he’s lying on a cot and the only people he has to talk to are sex offenders.”

“He’s going to come back, Rafael.”

“He should be back _now_ . After what happened. You didn’t see him. He looks like he hasn’t slept or eaten in days. He’s just… beaten down. Rollins told me that she talked to Olivia about her concerns. Do you know what it takes for _Amanda Rollins_ to be so concerned that she’d talk to a superior about it? He should be home, resting.”

“It was fundamentally Sonny’s decision, Rafael. It was his decision to go undercover and it’s his decision to stay there.”

“But Olivia is supposed to _know better_. Functionally, the cost is not worth the potential gain. You know that, I know that. Not just as me, Sonny’s boyfriend, and you, my best friend, but as ADAs. You wouldn’t advise this. He’s hurting himself and Olivia is just letting him.”

“I thought you said things were getting better.”

“I thought they were. He seemed like he was doing better, but that case opened some pretty deep wounds. He was planning on resuming his normal church schedule. Then he got invited to go to mass with his family and had a panic attack. And then the next day he volunteered to go undercover as a sex offender.”

“Oh my god.”

“I couldn’t tell Olivia, obviously. I didn’t even feel comfortable telling you at the time, but someone should know the whole context to this mission. He’s not doing this for the mission. He thinks he did something wrong, whether that bad thing was who he is or that he was seriously considering leaving the church, I’m not sure, but now he’s trying to find the most painful path to so-called redemption. I’ve done it enough times that I can recognize it, though I was never given the opportunity to do it on such a grand level.”

“He’s going to be okay, Rafael.”

“They almost killed him, Alex.”

“Rafael, these missions end. He’ll come home.”

“How is he?” Alex asks, stepping into Rafael’s apartment.

“Tired. He asked me to drive him to my apartment and then he collapsed on the couch. I had to half-carry him to the bedroom. Hopefully he’s asleep.”

“So he’s here?” Alex asks. “I can come back.”

“He told me he just wanted to sleep, but I wanted to talk, so I called you.”

“Okay.” Alex pauses. “Is something wrong?”

“He’s… conflicted. He thinks one of the suspects is genuinely a good person. Not to mention that he’s too genuine a person for long term undercover work, I think he put too much of himself into the persona and now…”

“Yikes.”

“That would be an apt summary, yes.”

“I’ll tell Liv not to expect him for a couple days.”

“You will not. I’m gonna finish this,” Sonny calls, approaching Alex from the hallway, dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie.

“Sonny, I thought you were asleep,” Rafael says, worried.

“I heard someone come in and I woke up. After where I just spent the last while, I think I’m just a pretty light sleeper.”

“How much did you hear?” Alex asks.

“Just the part about how you don’t think I can do my job.”

“That’s not what she s-” Rafael starts.

“He’s right,” Alex interrupts. “I’m not saying you _can’t_ do your job, and saying that you _shouldn’t_. Not right now.”

“Thank you, Counselor, but I don't need advice from you.”

“Liv would give you the same advice.”

“Lieu can give the advice to me herself, if that’s what she really thinks,” Sonny objects. Alex raises an eyebrow.

“Fair enough. I’ll stop bothering you if you look at me in the face and tell me that you aren’t still bothered by the idea of prosecuting Caskey and that you can look in the mirror without seeing your undercover persona half the time.” Sonny looks at Alex, then at Rafael, runs his hand over his face, and finally just shakes his head.

“I’m going to bed. Raf, I guess you don’t need to set an alarm.” He starts to leave, and Rafael tries to follow him, his face filled with concern. Sonny gives him a small smile and kisses him on the cheek. “We can talk tomorrow, Rafi. Promise. Just not tonight.” Rafael sighs as Sonny returns to the bedroom.

“Thank you,” he says to Alex. “I was worried I’d have to fight with him tomorrow.”

“I’ve had to strong-arm Olivia into doing the healthy thing enough times that I know how to win that argument.”

“I’d ask you to teach me, but that would require mentally accepting that this could happen again.”

“Well if you need me, I’ll be there, I promise.”

“Thanks.” Rafael pauses, looking through the hallway to the closed bedroom door. “I was scared,” he admits. “I was terrified.”

“I know.”

“I was so scared he was going to die before I told him I love him. Before I could get confirmation that he loves me.”

“He loves you, Rafi.”

“You have to say that, Alex. You’re my friend.”

“I’m your friend who just watched Sonny’s face morph from irritation to concern and compassion in less than a second when he looked at you.”

“I hope you’re right.”

Alex has just gotten into bed when her phone buzzes. Sighing and putting her glasses back on, she reads the single text.

_**Rafael:** You’re right. _

Alex grins, texting back a smiling emoji before slipping under the covers and leaving her phone and glasses on her nightstand. 

“Everything okay?” Olivia asks from beside her.

“Everything’s great. Rafa just got good news.”

“Oh, that’s good,” Olivia mutters sleepily.

“Yeah it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would say next chapter is more fun but this one ended pretty fluffily all things considered and next chapter includes the only real fight between Rafael and Alex of the story (it gets resolved in that same chapter, don't worry). 
> 
> Survive the emotional rollercoaster, get an owl picture: https://i.postimg.cc/sDDsBq2B/Image-1-5-21-at-3-30-PM.jpg
> 
> Also, if there are any American readers who live in Georgia and are registered to vote but haven't: Please vote! There should still be time. This is a very important election, it will decide control of the Senate.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	52. A threat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael gets death threats. Alex is angered by his response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome to the last chapter from season 17!
> 
> Apologies for the late chapter. I was going to post it earlier but I woke up at 3:30 in the morning with bad anxiety chest pain so I've been catching up on sleep one or two hours at a time throughout the day and I slept through my usual publishing times. I considered not posting at all today because after terrorists invaded the Capitol I was finding it hard to focus on anything else. But I find it comforting that I can do at least one routine, planned thing, so here is this chapter.
> 
> As is fitting with the chaos and negativity of yesterday and today, this is the one chapter where Alex and Rafael fight amongst themselves.

Alex nods to one of the uniformed officers and says something about being on the list to see Rafael, but she doesn’t hear his reply. There’s some sort of faint ringing in her ears she hasn’t been able to shake since she heard. She steps into the elevator and wills her hand to stop shaking. There must be a mistake. This must be a mistake. There is no other explanation. When she reaches Rafael’s floor, she’s almost managed to convince herself that she must have heard Sonny and Olivia wrong. Her delusion is shattered by yet another uniformed officer in front of the door. She sighs, shows her ID, and digs her fingernails into her palms. The officer opens the door, announcing her arrival to Rafael. Alex finds him sitting on his couch, annotating a brief as if nothing was wrong.

“Hi, Alex,” he says, not looking up.

“‘Hi Alex?’” Alex chuckles in disbelief. “That’s all I get?”

“What do you want?” Rafael sighs.

“A denial. Maybe tell me that you didn’t hand your address to a would-be assassin. Maybe tell me that you haven’t been hiding death threats for  _ ten months _ . Or maybe you could explain to me why you didn’t tell me. Why you didn’t tell me you were in danger as I repeatedly met you in public places.”

“You were never in danger.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Alex. I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d overreact, just like you’re doing right now. It was some low-rate thug who thought he could intimidate me.”

“Rafael he threatened to crack your skull and then he threatened you  _ again _ , saying he’d shoot you!”

“He would never actually do that! Case and point, he threatened me in an elevator instead of going to my house!”

“Because that makes me feel better,” Alex says sarcastically, raising her voice slightly. “He has your home address but I shouldn’t worry because he hasn’t chosen to use it yet!”

“He’s trying to scare me, Alex, and I won’t let him.”

“Let me break something to you, Rafael. You should be scared. You shouldn’t be leaving your apartment. You should be checking corners and looking over your shoulder at every sound.”

“I think you  _ drastically _ overestimate the situation.”

“And I think you forget that the reason we didn’t talk for two years isn’t because we drifted apart.”

“This isn’t that.”

“And you know that how?”

“Because I wasn’t stupid enough to openly mock and then go after a drug kingpin without a security detail, Alex,” Rafael hisses. Alex blinks, and then her face evens out. Rafael’s eyes widen.

“Okay,” Alex says coldly.

“I didn’t mean-”

“Just because he hasn’t come to your house doesn’t mean you’re safe, by the way. I was shot on the street, in front of Olivia. The differences in our levels of stupidity notwithstanding, maybe look out for unmarked cars.”

“I shouldn’t have-”

“And don’t think that you’re only risking yourself by being reckless. You’re risking Sonny and every single officer assigned to protect you. Don’t think that I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that Connors didn’t hit Olivia,” 

“I’m sorry, Alex. I know that. I shouldn’t have called you stupid. You weren’t.”

“You can be as self-destructive as you want, but please keep in mind that the people who are tasked with keeping you safe have families, and they want to live, even if you don’t seem to care about your own fate.”

“It isn’t like that, Alex.”

“Isn’t it?”

“It’s not. I’m not in danger. I think that you went through a trauma, and you’re viewing a different situation in that context.”

“If you think that, then you’re the stupid one,” Alex mutters.

“I’m sorry?” Rafael says, eyebrows rising sharply.

“I said that if you don’t see how a man threatening to shoot you correlates to you getting your brains blown out on the side of a road, then you’re so goddamn unintelligent that it’s a Vatican-level miracle you passed the bar!” 

“Alex, I’ve been getting threats for  _ months  _ and nothing has happened,” Rafael insists angrily. “The man is an empty shirt. But maybe you’d like for something to happen. Maybe you’d like for me to get my brains ‘blown out on the side of the road,’ as you so eloquently put it, just so that you could be right. Just so that you could be sure that everyone has the same miserable existence as you!”

“Believe it or not, Rafael, but some of us do want to see you alive. But I’m not going to sit here with you and sing kumbaya while we wait for the murderer you invited to show up. I’m going home. I’m going home to my ‘miserable existence’ with my wife and my son and I’m going to live to see next week. By all means, if they ever catch the ‘empty shirt’ feel free to call me.” With that, Alex turns on her heels and heads to the door.

“I wouldn’t wait by the phone!” Rafael calls as Alex leaves and slams the door behind her.

Rafael notices Alex approaching him at the bar and nods. She sits down beside him with a sigh.

“I’m sorry,” Alex says, offering him a small smile. He smiles back at her. “I said some things I’m not proud of and I didn’t mean. I may have been letting my… memories, shall we say, of getting shot interfere with my role as your friend.”

“Obviously,” Rafael snorts, but it lacks bite. Alex laughs guiltily. Rafael looks down at his glass. “I was, I  _ am _ , scared,” he admits. “That also… influenced our conversation.”

“Obviously,” Alex shoots back, but her smile is wider. Rafael elbows her.

“I’m sorry,” he continues. Alex nods.

“We’re both idiots,” she summarizes.

“Agreed. So, friends again?” Rafael asks, extending his hand. Alex shakes it.

“Oh, definitely. Never before our fight did I realize that my only other genuine friends are my wife and my two year old son.”

“You could have worse friends. For example, my only other friend is a harpy that decides whether or not she’ll talk to someone based on how many ferraris they can buy.”

“So she hangs out with you for what? Pity’s sake?” Alex asks. Rafael laughs.

“One can only assume.” He pauses. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.” Alex pats Rafael’s arm briefly. “Wait, wouldn’t Sonny count as a friend?”

“Sonny is… preoccupied.” Rafael’s focus drifts to the large portrait of Sergeant Dodds in the corner of the bar. Alex follows his gaze and then sighs.

“Liv’s taking it hard.”

“I can imagine.”

“Did Sonny know him well?”

“Well enough. They weren’t best friends but they were getting there.”

“Liv blames herself. She thinks she should have stayed with him.”

“She had to get the kids out.”

“She thinks she should have sent Dodds out with the kids, since she was the superior officer.”

“She’d probably be dead.”

“I couldn’t tell her that, though. Not after Dodds died. It would sound heartless. Even now, not even saying it out loud, I feel heartless. It feels like I’m happy that Dodds is dead because it means Liv’s still here.”

“When you died I wished Olivia had died in your place. I felt horrible about it, but the emotions were there. We can’t help it.” Rafael makes eye contact with Alex and after she doesn’t shift away he takes a deep breath. “Did you know Sonny almost went instead of Dodds?”

“Wow.”

“I think we’re going to have to accept that we’ve been lucky in some awful, sickening way.”

“We’re horrible people,” Alex groans.

“Maybe. But I like to think we’re not, and we’re just close enough that we can talk about our darkest thoughts.”

“That’s true,” Alex agrees. “I’m so sorry about that fight. It was stupid, and I don’t think it even had any substance between the two of us being scared for you at each other.”

“That’s an accurate description. People fight. It’s gratifying that it was fifteen years before we had our first substantial conflict.”

“With my track record for making enemies I would have expected us to be barely speaking within the year,” Alex says with a wry smile.

“Well, I’ve been told I can be annoyingly clingy.”

“Really?”

“You’re familiar with my old friends. You’re surprised?”

“Ouch. Now I feel even worse about being such an ass.”

“If it’s any consolation, this is the first time I can remember when a fight was resolved so peacefully.”

“Now isn’t the time for infighting. We have people to mourn and worse people to arrest and do the legal equivalent of tying them up in their own intestines to.”

“You’ve always had a way with words.”

“I’ve been in a strange mood. My best friend is in danger.”

“I’ve been staying safe, Alex. They’ve identified the man. His name is Felipe Heredio. Sonny’s going to catch him.”

“And then begins the arduous process of finding out who he works for. I was gifted some excellent carving knives when Liv and I got married if you need anything to… aid in the confession,” Alex offers, one eyebrow raised.

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that to an ADA in the middle of a cop bar.”

“Don’t you and Sonny think that cops could have been the ones to hire him? What do they care about breaking the law?”

“I think they’d object if you tortured their goon.”

“True enough.” Alex looks around the bar with a sigh. “Did you know that for all the years I worked as an ADA the only cops I ever trusted were Olivia, John, and Fin? Three people in the whole NYPD.”

“That’s better than my number. Two. Sonny and Olivia.”

“Still, good allies to have.”

“Yeah.” Rafael nods, taking a sip of his drink and letting his eyes fall on Olivia and Sonny, sitting with the rest of the squad, laughing over a story about Dodds. “Very good allies to have.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's a wrap on season 17! A very eventful chapter for everyone involved.
> 
> We won the Georgia elections! How crazy is that? How even crazier is it that it didn't get even a full day of being the main news story?
> 
> Rafael also returns to SVU later today! I've completely forgotten to be anxious about that, so I'll catch up tomorrow morning probably.
> 
> Survive the emotional rollercoaster, get an owl picture: https://i.postimg.cc/QdwRr5hS/Image-1-7-21-at-4-18-PM.jpg
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	53. An audience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael meets Sonny's parents. Alex talks to Noah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the start of season 18! This season contains some major angst, but also some major career developments for Alex and some good fluff. 
> 
> We will start with some angst, but also some fluff of Alex parenting Noah.
> 
> Trigger warning: mentions of homophobia and racism.

“Alex, how much weight can you lift, approximately, in boxes?” Rafael asks over drinks at Forlini’s.

“Not a lot. Why?”

“I’m moving in with Sonny.”

“What-”

“As someone who brags about how she could, and I quote, ‘beat the living hell’ out of her enemies, you should be able to lift more boxes.”

“You’re funny, but I’d like to focus on the fact that  _ you’re moving in with Sonny _ .”

“I am,” Rafael says with a smile. “We… it’s been going very well. He asked me to move in with him, because quote ‘Rafi, for someone who’s so fancy, your apartment is tiny.’”

“But you’re not moving in purely for convenience?”

“Of course not. Convenience is an excuse. I… I don’t like going home to an empty apartment anymore. I mean I never liked it, but now it upsets me. Because I know there is an alternative. And for the longest time I wouldn’t entertain that alternative because I was scared.”

“Scared?”

“The last time I moved in with someone was Frederick.”

“Right.”

“And I know Sonny isn’t Frederick, not even close, but I guess part of me was still anxious about it. And he asked me and I said I wasn’t ready and we had a stupid fight that turned into a stupid work fight and it was stupid.”

“How did you resolve it?”

“Well I didn’t tell him about Frederick, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“It wasn’t. At least not entirely. You’re moving in together… are you going to tell him?”

“I don’t know. Soon. It’s never been relevant. I have a restraining order out against him and last I heard he was in Vegas and broke. My relationship with Sonny has always been happy. We might not feel happy all the time but… well, you’re happily married, you know what I mean. I didn’t want to ruin that by talking about my terrible ex-boyfriend or my abusive father, and Sonny’s never asked.”

“Do you know about his family?”

“I practically have a binder prepared on his family. I’m meeting them next week.” 

“I thought you told me they were massively unsympathetic.”

“They were, well, are. Sonny came out to them after the whole undercover operation issue and while they are ‘trying’ and Sonny still goes to family events, they’ve always refused to meet me. I guess since we’re moving in together I’ve finally been granted an audience.”

“You’re sure you want to do this?”

“I grew up with a father who broke my bones for being gay. What exactly could they do to me that hasn’t already been done?”

“That’s a very healthy way of looking at it,” Alex mutters. 

“You think it’s a bad idea?”

“I think a binder isn’t going to save you, and you know how much I believe in the power of binders. But if you want to do it, I think you’re ready.”

“Well then, wish me luck.”

“You’re two drinks behind, hurry up,” Rafael sighs as Alex sits down next to him a week later.

“I take it that meeting Sonny’s family didn’t go well?”

“His parents hate me.”

“His sisters?”

“One likes me. Unfortunately this is the same one who still hasn’t been fully forgiven for having a child out of wedlock with someone they think is a deadbeat. But at least she’s  _ no longer _ living in sin.”

“That bad?”

“I was treated to a speech about how they’re sure I’m a perfectly nice man but I’m not a suitable match for their son.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“I’m not sure if it’s mainly a gay thing or a race thing but it’s entirely possible that it’s both.”

“Did they… say anything?”

“Something about how they know ‘not all my people are illegals’ and ‘they were sure I had all my papers’ while trying to be  _ reassuring _ once the conversation shifted to politics.”

“What did you say?”

“I informed them that Martha Cobb is not a reliable news source and that if they wanted to see my documents I could show them my Harvard Law degree. We left after that.”

“That’s horrible.”

“I’ve had worse. Both on the racism and homophobia fronts. A couple Staten Island Republicans do not phase me.”

“I am so sorry.”

“Sonny looked like he was about to deck his father in the face when we left. He was so angry I had to drive us home.”

“You’re okay?”

“I’m better than Sonny is. He thinks he hurt me, and I haven’t been able to explain to him why he didn't. He also doesn’t understand how his parents could hurt their only son and not care, and he doesn’t understand how I do understand that.”

“You’re going to tell him, right? You can tell me to back off, but I think you should tell him.”

“I want to tell him.”

“Good.”

“You know I once swore to myself I wouldn’t put myself in this position. Having to deal with a hostile family after I already put so much effort into working out mine. I promised myself that even while I dragged myself over the coals with every verdict that I wouldn’t hurt myself in that way. But I’m going to, and I’m not even angry. If he’s in, if he’s ready to deal with it, I’m in.”

“Remember years ago when I told you that if you were in love no one else would matter? Do you think I’m right yet?”

“If I’m honest, I knew you were right a while ago. I’d put up with endless taunting Ritas and endless shitty parents if it made him smile. If it made him happy.”

“You really love him.”

“More than life itself.”

“I’m very happy for you, Rafi,” Alex says genuinely. Rafael gives her a tired smile.

“I’m happy, too. I just wish everything didn’t always have to be a battle. It’s worth it. It’s definitely worth it, but sometimes I wish it was just a little bit easier.”

“If it’s any consolation, as someone who has had little to no contact with most of my family for years, it does get better. You don’t have to fight them constantly.”

“I trust you.”

“Good.”

“Can I call you after Sonny and I talk? It might be late tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

Alex’s phone rings as she’s finishing putting Noah to bed. She checks the caller ID and lets out a long sigh. She turns back to her son, who’s watching her with wide eyes.

“Noah, Uncle Rafa is calling. Mommy has to take this. Good night, Honey, I love you.”

“Uncle Wafa?”

“Yes, Noah.”

“I say hi.”

“I’ll tell him.” Alex looks once more at her son and smiles. “Noah? You know Mama and I love you more than anything, right? No matter what? We’ll always love you. Always.”

“I know.”

“Good. Goodnight, Sweetheart.” She steps out of the room and holds the phone up to her ear. “Rafi? Is everything okay?”

“Yes. We talked. About my parents. Everything’s fine. Grave desecration was discussed and decided against. Peace was made.” Rafael lets out a shuddering sigh. “Crying was done. By whom, I will not say. Definitely not by both of us.” Alex laughs. “He loves me,” Rafael says warmly. Alex nods.

“Of course he does, Rafa. There’s a lot to love.”

“I don’t feel like I’ve ever properly thanked you for being there for me all throughout the years. You and Liv and Noah, you’re the best family I could ever want.”

“You don’t ever need to thank me for something I benefit so clearly from,” Alex assures him. “You’re great family, too. Noah says hi, by the way.”

“Do you think Sonny and I could come over a couple nights from now? Maybe you could invite Rollins and her daughter as well? It might be just what the therapist ordered.”

“I don’t think that’s the phrase.”

“It should be the phrase. Don’t lecture me on grammar. I’m tired and emotional.”

“So now isn’t a good time to point out that you used passive voice quite a few times, earlier?” Alex jokes.

“Good night, Alex. Please, let the bedbugs bite.” Alex chuckles and shakes her head.

“Good night, Rafael. Sickeningly sweet dreams.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There have been so many incredible fics that have Sonny's parents being supportive that I felt almost guilty for going with a different interpretation. I have my reasons, which I can explain if need be. 
> 
> Additional notes about where this story will go:  
> -I've been asked if Frederick will come back to this story. The answer is no. We will never meet Frederick. However, he will be discussed in one later chapter.  
> -My new projection for how many chapters there will be is 65. I have added yet another chapter. After much internal debate I have decided to do a modified "The Undiscovered Country" post-episode which includes the Householder case but where Rafael doesn't unplug the life support. He still decides to leave the DA's office, and the reasoning/what he does next will be discussed. That will be the third-to-last chapter. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	54. A psych eval

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael worries about Sonny. Alex gets in the middle of a fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the 3rd or so multi-chapter plot line of this fic. This particular plot line will span about three chapters, canonically from "Next Chapter" to "Genes." If you are familiar with those episodes you can probably guess what event is the foundation of these chapters.

“How are you?” Alex asks as Rafael sits down at Forlini’s.

“I only have this time because Sonny has a psych eval right now.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“It should. My boyfriend had a gun pressed to his forehead and was forced to watch a man move his finger towards the trigger while he begged for his life and he’s only alive because someone else killed the man first and splattered his blood and brains across my boyfriend’s face. That’s how I am.”

“I’m so sorry, Rafael.”

“Sonny’s hardly spoken to me about it since it happened. He’ll talk about anything else, but he won’t talk about it. He’ll go on whole tangents just to avoid the subject. I know he gets nightmares. He shakes. He’ll go to the bathroom and when he returns his eyes are red, and then he’ll pull me into a hug but whenever I ask him to talk to me he just insists he’s fine.” Alex nods solemnly. Olivia wasn’t there for her recovery after she was shot, but she imagines much of the same would have happened.

“I can talk to him, if you want. You know, as someone who’s also been hurt by gun violence.”

“I don’t think that would be a good idea yet. I… I can handle it. And hopefully he won’t fool the police psychiatrist and maybe get some help.”

“You think he’s trying to fool the eval?”

“He will fool it. He’s Sonny. No one would believe that he’s ever not… sunny.”

“That’s clever.”

“It’s unfortunate," Rafael says tersely and Alex sighs.

“You could talk to Liv.”

“He’d never forgive me.”

“ _ I  _ could talk to Liv.”

“He’d know where it came from, and he’d never forgive me. I can’t lose him, Alex. If this miserable week proved nothing else it’s that I can’t lose him.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Then we wait.”

“For what?”

“I don’t know. You just be there for him until something happens. Until something happens that proves he’s not okay, and then he’ll get the help he needs.”

“We just wait?”

“What else would you do that I haven’t already suggested?”

“You’re right. It’s just… there should be a better way to do this.”

“Well, ideally he’ll be honest on the psych eval.”

“There’s about as much chance of that happening as there is of me leaving my job to join a commune in central Utah.”

“Yeah.” Alex orders food and they sit quietly until it arrives. They eat in quiet, each person trying to think of something to say.

“It angers me when the people I want to kill are already dead,” Rafael sighs finally. “Tell Olivia that the next one’s mine.”

“I thought you didn’t like joking about murder.”

“I like it fine, it’s just that you’re better at it than me and I hate losing.”

“If it were anyone else I’d doubt your word.”

“But since it is me?”

“I’ll give you a grade. 9/10, compellingly dark and with a current events edge. Could use more detail.”

“I’ll take it under advisement.” Rafael pokes at his fish with a fork and Alex raises an eyebrow. 

“Something else?”

“It’s stupid.”

“Sonny almost got shot, I’m not about to judge you for anything you want to say.”

“I… I can’t… I can’t understand why anyone would want to hurt Sonny.” Rafael jabs the fork harder into the fish, staring at it intensely. 

“He didn’t know Sonny.”

“That doesn’t make it better.”

“We’re prosecutors, Rafi. We both know that some people kill other people they don’t know, especially when the unknown people are cops.”

“But he’s  _ Sonny _ ,” Rafael insists. “Why would anyone…” Rafael abandons the fork and runs a hand across his face. “He’s Sonny. He gets genuinely invested in  _ Cupcake Wars _ . He has ties he likes to wear on specific days of the week. I have to stop him from donating half his paycheck to the Humane Society every time the Sarah McLachlen commercial comes on. He knows every single one of the unis’ names and also what their favorite baked good is. And he almost died because someone wanted him dead. And I can’t fathom that.” Alex sighs sadly and reaches over to put a hand on his arm.

“It’s not fair.”

“Exactly.”

“You’d think after so many years we’d react better.”

“That’s just it. My job is to fix things when things are unfair. When something’s not right that’s when it’s my turn to go in, bash heads, and enforce justice. But this time there’s nothing to do. No one to try. This time I just sit here and I eat my fish and I… wait.”

“Sometimes that’s all you can do.”

Alex stops by the next day armed with a box of cookies. Rafael lets her in with a small smile and a quick “thank you.” Alex notices Sonny laying down on the couch, staring at the television, an odd expression on his face.

“Hey, Alex!” he greets with a large smile. He sees Rafael take a cookie and stands up to walk over to them. “Thanks for the cookies!”

“Liv baked them, actually. We made too many, and you know how they go stale.”

“So this wasn’t kindness so much as convenience?” Rafael asks with a smirk that would have fooled anyone other than his best friend of 15 years. 

“Don’t want you getting an over-inflated ego, Rafa.” Sonny laughs too loudly and Alex resists the impulse to sigh. Rafael has an infinitely better poker face. She’s certain her own smile is reaching politician-levels of insincerity, but Rafael and Sonny seem too preoccupied with their own facades to notice.

“Well, this is good celebration food. I just passed my psych eval! Tell Lieu I’ll be there tomorrow, ready for my shift.” Alex notices Rafael looking away and just nods.

“Great, Sonny… that’s great.”

“Finally, someone who agrees with me.” Rafael’s smile sharpens and Alex feels like she definitely walked in the middle of something.

“Sonny-”

“Nah, Raf, just be quiet for a minute. I think it’s really nice that Alex here respects that maybe the psychiatrist knows what she’s talking about. I also think it’s great that Alex trusts me to know what I can do, since, you know, it was me who almost died. I think that after being married to a police officer for years, Alex also understands that danger is part of the job, and we don’t need to spend months in fucking therapy after a close call!” Alex’s jaw clenches as she notices Rafael tense when Sonny raises his voice. To his credit, he takes a deep breath and fires back. 

“I think Alex is maybe forgetting that a lot of symptoms of PTSD take time to fully manifest. I think Alex is forgetting that you will do and say whatever you need to to get back to your job, and you’ll sacrifice yourself in the process. I think Alex is forgetting that I’m not trying to force you to do anything, I just suggested maybe seeing a therapist would be a good idea.”

“I don’t want people to think I’m crazy!” Sonny says, his voice reaching a yell. “It’s taken me years to just find a squad that doesn’t want to kick me out on my ass the first chance they get, let alone for a squad to trust me, and I’m not about to give them any reason to think I’m a pansy or unfit in any way.”

“No one would think you’re unfit,” Alex says, finally finding a place to cut in. “Absolutely no one.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter, because I’m fine. I passed my psych eval. With flying colors. I’m fit for duty by all measures.” Sonny shakes his head quickly and smiles, though it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Thank you for the cookies, Counselor. It’s getting kinda late though, I wouldn’t want you to miss Noah’s bedtime.” Alex knows her cue when she hears it and she walks toward the door.

“Good night Sonny, Rafael. Let me know if you need anything.”

Hours later, Alex answers her phone as she lays in bed with Olivia. 

“Rafa?” Alex asks. Olivia looks over at her but Alex gives a quick nod to indicate that this is her issue. 

“Alex, look, I know what you saw was ugly but I promise he’s not usually like that. It was just a tense night for us and you got in the middle of a fight.”

“I get it, Rafael, I think I might get it better than most people.”

“I’m just saying that if our positions were reversed, and you had the same dating history I have, I’d be concerned, and I just wanted to assure you that this isn’t that.”

“I know.”

“I’m saying that I’ll be fine-”

“Who are you trying to convince right now?”

“You. Still you. He’s a good man Alex, a gentle man. He’s just really struggling right now and completely unsure of how to deal with it.”

“I really do understand. I’m not about to murder Sonny.” Alex waves off Olivia when she turns around, startled. 

“Good night, Alex.”

“Good night, Rafa.” Alex groans as she hangs up the phone. 

“What was that about?” Olivia asks.

“Nothing.”

“Anything I need to worry about?”

“No.”

“Anything bothering you?” Alex shakes her head.

“I just really hate the waiting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler alert: Sonny is not totally fine and this is not the last you'll hear about this. We will also be revisiting Alex's time in Witness Protection and the effects of Frederick that have been touched on once or twice. So it's just a lot of fun for everyone. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	55. A face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael wins a case. Alex attends a party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for 5,000 hits!!!

“God, I needed this win,” Rafael sighs, accepting a celebratory drink from Alex. She’s smiling and he matches it easily. The thrill of the victory hasn’t fully worn off. This one feels good. This one, Rafael imagines, is what the Amaro case would have felt like if it had gone his way.

“Well, you did ask Olivia to give you the next one.”

“And I made quick work of him, didn’t I?”

“You really did. I don’t think I’ve ever had a jury come back with a guilty verdict so fast.” Rafael preens, because honestly it was an incredibly fast verdict. It was the kind of verdict that makes him feel like himself again. The kind of verdict that makes him happy to look in the mirror. He hasn’t felt that a lot recently. 

“I curb-stomped him.”

“You threw him in front of a bus and then made a nice adhesive paste out of his guts,” Alex says, her eyes gleeful. Rafael blinks.

“How are you so good at that?”

“I’m a very talented woman.”

“Not as talented as me. I got a guilty verdict in under an hour.”

“Fine, Rafi. You’re a lawyer god and we all worship at your feet.”

“I could  _ feel  _ my father rolling over in his grave, Alex. But I got that video introduced into evidence, and the jury saw what that man did, and I knew I had him, and I did. He’s going to prison.”

“You did good work.”

“I looked at his face as they led him away. I think ‘abuser’s face as they realize they aren’t getting away with it’ is my favorite facial expression. He had that facial expression. Because of me. I did it. I caused him pain.”

“It really is an excellent face.”

“I could see that Sonny saw it too. And it made him happy, watching that man lose. Sonny was happy.”

“He deserves it.”

“We did this one together. We conquered that monster.”

“Like fairy tale heroes.”

“I just wish we could have done it before the older brother got hurt…”

“Okay, no. We’re not doing that tonight. We’re not going to talk about all the things that could have gone better when you wiped the floor with that pathetic coward. We’re not going to be those guys that get 532 electoral votes but whine about losing Mississippi. You got the best victory you possibly could have gotten. You needed it and Sonny needed it, and while the detectives drink enough to convince themselves that darts is fun, we’re going to bask in the glory.” Rafael smiles. That’s a good idea, really a very good idea. It’s been a while since he had something to celebrate.

“Okay.”

“Excellent.” They stand there for a few moments, exchanging pleased smiles and enjoying the feeling of victory. Finally, a thought occurs to Rafael.

“I really did take out corrupt COs at the worst possible time.” Alex raises an eyebrow.

“Explain.”

“The man who shoved Sonny’s head through a window is currently in prison.”

“Rafael, you do realize that even before all the shit with Munson, COs weren’t particularly fond of you?”

“Like corrupt COs ever needed an actual reason to beat someone up.”

“That’s… an extremely valid point.”

“So now I have no one in the criminal element to see that revenge is enacted.”

“Alas, the revenge plan you weren’t serious about will not come to fruition.”

“I was serious,” Rafael says, lifting his chin.

“You’re not a violent person, Rafael.”

“If Sonny was hurt, I could be.” Rafael knows he’s being unreasonable, but part of him is offended. 

“Relax, it’s one of the best things about you. It’s what makes you such an effective lawyer.”

“Fine. I’ll allow it.”

“Good.” Rafael smiles as he sees Sonny walking up to them. 

“Look who it is, the man of the hour!” Sonny calls, throwing an arm around Rafael’s shoulder. “You wiped the floor with him, Raf, honestly it was epic.”

“I did my job.”

“You did your… You really don’t realize how incredible that was, do you? Alex, tell him.”

“I already have. This man has no ego.” Rafael rolls his eyes as Sonny laughs. 

“Hey, I didn’t mean to interrupt anything. What were you guys talking about?”

“We were debating the merits of violence,” Alex says.

“We decided it was bad, or at least that I am incapable of it,” Rafael explains. Sonny laughs.

“Well, yeah, violence is bad. I feel like you guys should have realized this before now.” 

“We maintain strictly enough morals to do our jobs, any more than that and we’re just boring. That’s official ADA advice, by the way, write it down,” Alex jokes. 

“Too many morals are for suckers,” Rafael adds. 

“‘Hey!” Olivia yells from behind them. “Offense taken!”

“We didn’t mean anything by it, Lieu!” Sonny assures her.

“All I’m trying to say is that when you try to focus on what is the most healing and positive thing to do all the time it takes away from the visceral satisfaction of watching a child abuser or a rapist get dragged away in handcuffs,” Alex explains. “Like today, for example. I want to be able to celebrate that two of my friends showed a child abuser how we do it down in Texas, or Manhattan, in this case.”

“We kick ass,” Sonny agrees.

“Oh, definitely.”

“I don’t recall you being that involved as of late, Alexandra,” Rafael comments with a smirk.

“I consider myself part of the team,” Alex huffs. 

“Sure,” Sonny says with a faux-placating smile.

“Liv, Sonny and Rafael are being mean to me!” Alex calls. Sonny’s face flushes in embarrassment but he relaxes when Rafael grins at him and squeezes his hand. 

“Carisi, you’re mocking my wife?” Olivia asks.

“Nah, Lieu, we were just messing around…”

“It’s alright,” Olivia says with a laugh. “After this case, you’ve earned it.”

“Hey!” Alex protests. 

“You don’t agree, Al?” 

Alex sighs. “I suppose.” She grins at Sonny. “It was very good work. A good win.” Sonny smiles back, but then he falters for a moment. 

“Alex, can I talk to you alone for a second?”

“Sure.” Sonny leads Alex away from Rafael and Olivia. Rafael tries not to watch them, closing his eyes and trying to recapture the happiness he was feeling moments before. 

“Something wrong?” Olivia asks, and damn him for forgetting he was standing next to a trained detective.

“Alex walked in on a fight a few weeks ago, I imagine it has something to do with that.” Olivia blinks, concerned.

“Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine, Liv. We resolved everything once Alex left… it’s just that you know how Sonny is around people he admires, and he thinks Alex hates him right now…”

“Alex doesn’t hate him.”

“I know that, but Sonny doesn’t.” Olivia sighs. 

“So we just wait here until they’re done and pretend not to watch them?”

“That’s my plan at least.” Rafael pauses. “Unless you have pictures of Noah to pass the time?”

“Rafa, who do you think you’re talking to?”

Approximately thirty photos later, Alex returns to the group, Sonny following her. With a quick nod, she signals for Rafael to walk with her. Rafael fidgets with his coat, looking expectantly at her. Rafael doesn’t like to admit it, even to himself, but sometimes he worries about what his friends must think of him. Whether they think he can handle himself. It’s an insecurity he resents, but that he hasn’t been able to shake, especially not after what happened last time Alex stopped by.

“He’s mortified,” Rafael starts before Alex can speak. “You showed up at the worst possible moment.”

“I know that. I came over here to tell you that we had a good talk, that it’s clear that he loves you, and that even though I’m still worried about him, you picked a good one.”

“Really?”

“If I had concerns, you know I would share them. You probably would really hate Olivia if you could listen to all the fights we’ve had throughout the years.” 

Rafael breathes an audible sigh of relief.

“You were worried?” Alex asks.

“Yes,” Rafael admits. “I’m happy, genuinely, and I don’t like people thinking that I’m trapped or weak in any way. It’s… a thing.” Rafael shrugs, attempting nonchalance, and Alex just smiles warmly. 

“I don’t think anyone could think you’re weak after your most recent battle in court,” Alex assures him.

“That’s not what I mean. Besides, when I say ‘everyone’ I really just mean my friends. I mean you.”

“You’re a colossus, Rafi. A gladiator. Inside and outside of court. You’re one of the strongest people I know, and I know a lot of people.”

“Thank you for saying that.”

“It’s true. Whatever’s next, you can handle it. I know it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you Friday for one of the longest chapters of this story!
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	56. A printer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael is triggered by an argument. Alex helps Sonny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter marks the final chapter of this little arc. It also is probably the start of the final 10 chapters. 
> 
> This is one of the bigger chapters of the story, or at least one of the ones there was a lot of build-up to. This one is the companion chapter for "Genes." 
> 
> After this chapter is going to be some of the late-stage plot lines, like Alex's Congressional run and Sonny and Rafael's relationship developments. We'll also see more of Noah!

Alex knocks on Rafael’s office door to find him pacing, clasping and unclasping his hands as he barely recognizes that another person has entered his space. 

“I hate this,” he mutters.

“What?”

“This is so stupid.”

“What is?”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called you. It honestly is just so stupid.”

“Well, tell me what  _ it  _ is and I’ll make that call for myself.”

“There was yelling. I got yelled at. This is  _ stupid _ .”

“Rafael, who yelled at you?”

“It’s been 15 years, Alex,” Rafael says with a pained sigh. “15 years. You would think I would be able to get yelled at without shutting down every single goddamn time.”

“First of all, no, I don’t think your reaction is unreasonable given what you went through and second and of all, this has happened multiple times?”

“It’s not his fault. I should have known when the door slammed, I should have helped him then, used the strategies we found online, but we were working…”

“It was Sonny.”

“He yelled at me. He pointed a finger in my face and he yelled at me. In front of Liv and Rollins.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not his fault. It’s not. It wasn’t even that bad. It’s not Sonny’s fault that an hour later I still feel like I have to flee but I have nothing to actually run from.”

“How many times has he yelled?”

“It was  _ 15 years ago _ …”

“Rafael. How many times?”

“I don’t know, maybe three. He’s usually okay. It’s just certain noises…”

“Believe me, I understand.”

“Could you talk to him?”

“Of course.”

“Could you… could you maybe mention Frederick?”

“He doesn’t know?”

“I didn’t want him to feel guilty for a mental health issue he can’t control. I knew he would hate himself if he thought anything he did reminded me of that.”

“Rafael, you owe it to yourself not to stay in a situation that’s triggering you. Maybe Sonny would actually be willing to talk to a professional…”

“Which is why I need you to talk to him. I can’t, not right now. You’re… calmer. Don’t give details, I can handle most of that conversation, I just want you to open the door.”

“I can do that.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Rafi, I’m your best friend. I’m going to take care of this.”

Alex catches Sonny just as he’s packing up his stuff for the day.

“You’re heading out?” she asks.

“Uh, yeah.”

“Do you mind if we talk first?”

“No. What’s this about?”

“Is there a room we can go where we won’t be overheard or interrupted?”

“Seriously, Alex, what’s this about?”

“I’ll explain in the room. Is there, or is there not?” 

“Follow me.” Sonny leads her into an interview room, then raises an eyebrow expectantly. Alex takes a deep breath.

“An interesting thing about me, that only Liv and Rafael know, is that I was fired from my first job after I entered Witness Protection after only a week,” she says after a pause. 

“Okay… What does that have to do with anything?”

“I was an assistant manager at an office supplies company. What had happened was I was just walking, being miserable and getting some coffee, as one does, when a coworker slammed the door to their office. Loudly. It made this horrible crashing noise. It was ringing in my ears, but not just that noise, gunshots too.” She stops, making eye contact with Sonny. “An hour later I was waiting to print something. This other coworker, Brenda, was in front of me, and she was taking forever. And then the printer jammed, and she just stared at it. She didn’t do anything to fix it or get help, she just stared at it. And I lost it. All that pent up tension and fear just exploded. I started yelling at her about how she shouldn’t have printed so many goddamn papers in the first place and why couldn’t she just hurry up, and at least if she messes up she should have the goddamn decency to get someone who was actually capable of fixing the printer. She started crying.”

“Wow,” Sonny whispers. 

“I got fired on the spot. Rightfully so. It must have been distressing for Brenda, and it wasn’t even about Brenda or the printer. It was about how less than three months ago I got shot.”

“Yeah, I figured. Look, Alex…”

“My point is, that when I was fired, that was a consequence. That was when I realized that I wasn’t doing nearly as well as I thought I was, and I needed to get help. I imagine that if my boss had just told me she understood, I would have done it again. And it wouldn’t have been because I was a bad person or because I hated my coworkers, it was because I would have had that cover to not do anything about what I was going through, and things like that don’t just go away.”

“So you’re here to talk about Rafael. I shoulda guessed.”

“Every time you blow up at Rafael, he just wants to support you, right? He always stays by your side?”

“Are you saying that Rafael should leave me?” Sonny asks, his eyes widening. “Does… does Rafael want to leave me?”

“No, Sonny. I’m just saying that you take out all the fear and trauma you have out on Rafael, and that’s a problem, because you picked the absolute worst person to take it out on.”

“I… I don’t understand.”

“Remember when you asked me where Rafael and I met, and I told you we met at the courthouse and bonded over the law?”

“Yes...”

“I lied to your face.”

“Why?”

“Because we met at a domestic violence shelter.” That stops whatever question or retort Sonny was planning clear in its tracks. Sonny stares at Alex, his eyes filled with sympathy and compassion.

“Alex, I promise, whatever you went through, I would  _ never  _ do to Rafael,  _ ever. _ ” His sincerity is palpable, and Alex almost smiles.

“I was volunteering at the shelter.”

“Oh. You and Rafael must have seen some shit working there, huh?”

“You’re being deliberately obtuse, but I understand. Sonny… I was working, Rafael needed help. His boyfriend at the time was emotionally and physically abusing him.” Sonny stares at her for several moments, completely immobilized, his eyes wide. 

“He would have told me,” he says finally.

“He didn’t know how, and he didn’t want you to see him differently.”

“Alex, if he doesn’t want me to know…”

“He told me to tell you.” Sonny calms down for a few moments but then his face falls.

“He couldn’t tell me himself,” Sonny realizes. “Oh my god. He… I yelled at him over nothing and now he… he thinks…”

“Sonny, Rafael doesn’t think you’re like him,” Alex assures him softly. “He understands what you’re going through, if only from what I told him when I first got back from Witness Protection. It’s just that part of his brain still activates fight or flight when you get in his face and yell. He can’t control his reaction to that anymore than you can control your reaction to the noises that remind you of gunshots.”

“Alex, I wasn’t shot.”

“I know that, Sonny. Believe it or not, begging for your life with a gun pressed to your head and then hearing a loud gunshot and having blood sprayed all over you is also traumatic and could also cause sounds that remind you of gunshots to be triggering.”

“Rollins was shot. The lieutenant was almost shot after being held hostage. They were fine.”

“First of all, I wouldn’t say that, and second of all, different people react differently to different things.”

“So you’re saying I’m just weak,” Sonny mutters, training his eyes on the ground.

“No, not at all. Not any weaker than I am. I had anxiety even before I was shot. I still have anxiety. Do you think that makes me weak?”

“Of course not.”

“Look, I have pages after pages of articles saved on my computer about PTSD and anxiety and trauma and everything that could possibly relate, but I’ll summarize most of them thusly: sometimes our brains just suck. They suck. You can’t control whether or not problems arise but what you can do is get help, so that you don’t suffer, and so, in this case, those around you don’t suffer. What doesn’t work is just pretending everything’s fine and then intermittently yelling at your partner over stupid work fights.”

“I know,” Sonny says, nodding furiously. “I’ll get help. I’ll see a therapist, take time off, whatever. Hell, I’ll see multiple therapists. I will set the Guinness World Record for most therapists seen. I promise, Alex, I… I never want to hurt Rafael. You have to believe me.”

“I do believe you.”

“I can’t believe he put up with me… Why… why would he do that?”

“Because he loves you and knew you were in pain. He knew it wasn’t you, Sonny.”

“Of course…” Sonny whispers, shaking his head. “He’s the best person I’ve ever met. I… this is going to sound stupid.”

“I’m sure it won’t.”

“I’ve worked SVU for long enough to know that there’s never a reason, at least not one worth anything, but I just don’t understand why someone would hurt Rafi, er, Rafael. It… it baffles me.”

“Some people aren’t worth the oxygen they consume. That’s the best answer I’ve come up with.”

“Yeah.” Sonny’s facial expression darkens. “Alex, does he live here?”

“Frederick?”

“Is that his name?”

“Yes. You’re asking if he lives in New York?”

“Yeah.”

“No. He doesn’t, and even if he did, Rafael still has a restraining order against him. I don’t really talk about this with Rafael, but I do keep tabs on Frederick. Right now he’s flat broke living in Las Vegas. He was in real estate. He went down there to open a casino and the casino failed miserably. I’d imagine the 47 one star reviews I left on both Yelp and his website in the first week had something to do with that  _ unfortunate  _ failure.”

“That’s kind of awesome.”

“It’s insufficient vengeance, but it’s what I can do while also not being a felon. It’s a sad fact of being a lawyer that laws impede glorious revenge.”

“Tricksy lawses. They trickses us,” Sonny says in a horrible Gollum voice and Alex snorts. Sonny laughs along with her until his face grows serious again. “Alex, I don’t think whatever I do will work automatically. What if… what if I scare him again?”

“Then that happens. There’s no easy solution. This is going to suck and it’s going to suck for a while. What I came here to ask you to do was to get help.”

“I will.”

“Good. I also have a suggestion.”

“What?”

“If possible, if something happens, when you start feeling everything building up, call me. Yell at me. Whatever you were going to yell at Rafael or whoever else, yell it at me.”

“Really?”

“Rafael once told me that when he got a serious boyfriend I would have to have a weird and hard-to-define friendship with him. This can be ours.”

“Okay, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Why are you being so nice to me? I scared Rafael. A buncha times, apparently. Whether or not it was on purpose, I caused him pain, and I’m not really sure that I deserve everything you’re saying.”

“Rafael’s favorite show is  _ The West Wing _ .”

“Okay…”

“Have you seen it?”

“No.”

“Rafael and I used to watch it as the later seasons were first airing. But one of the best episodes is in the middle of season 2. It’s called ‘Noël,’ and in it, one of the main characters, Josh, is diagnosed with PTSD after he’s shot. He is terrified that his mentor will punish him. His mentor tells the following story: a man falls in a hole, and no matter what he tries he can’t escape. A doctor walks by and the man asks him for help. The doctor writes a prescription and throws it into the hole and leaves. A priest walks by and the man asks him for help. The priest writes down a prayer and throws it into the hole and leaves. A close friend of the man walks by and the man asks him for help. The friend jumps in the hole. The man demands to know why, because now they’re both in the hole. The friend says ‘yes, but I’ve been down here before, and I know the way out.’” Alex pauses and waits as Sonny wipes at his face with one hand. 

“Alex…”

“That’s why I want to help. Because a man falls into a hole.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem. Now go home, and talk to Rafael. About all of this.”

“I will,” Sonny promises, standing up and grabbing his bag.

“You should also watch  _ The West Wing  _ with him. He really does love it and it is a really good show.”

“I will,” Sonny says, laughing to himself. “Good night, Alex.”

“Good night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was certainly something. This is one of my favorite chapters. I like some angst, elaborating on character histories, and tying up loose ends.
> 
> Sorry for all the references if you didn't understand them. Can you tell I write about The West Wing also? I cannot promise to chill with those. There will be more when Alex starts running for Congress. And that Lord of the Rings reference was 100% for my dear friend esmeraldablazingsky. 
> 
> I am anxious to hear your thoughts on many things: What did you think of this chapter? What did you think about the arc as a whole? Do you prefer the more episodic chapters or the ones that are tied together? What should I write after this story is done? Anything you want to happen before this story ends?   
> Let me know in the comments!
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading!


	57. A campaign

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael gets suspended. Alex has exciting news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the most fluffy chapter of this season! Hard to believe that this is the second to last chapter of season 18 but here we are. It honestly is not a good sign for season 18 chapters that the most fluffy chapter of the season is based on "Know It All" which is one of the angstier episodes. Oh well.

“How bad is it?” Alex asks as she sits down. 

“I’m suspended.”

“For how long?”

“Two weeks. Without pay.”

“That’s it?”

“What do you mean ‘that’s it?’ That job is basically my life, except for my boyfriend, for whom the job is also his life. I will be alone and adrift for half of an entire month!”

“First of all, offense taken, and second of all, when you called me you were so distraught I thought you got fired or charges were being filed or something. I was prepared to be your lawyer. Two weeks suspension is nothing. I can and have done that in my sleep.”

“It doesn’t feel like nothing.”

“That’s what I thought too, but I handled it. You’ll handle it, too.”

“You think so?”

“Rafi, if you handled the last few months, you can handle this.”

“I guess.”

“Speaking of…”

“You’re very subtle. Has anyone ever told you that?”

“How are you and Sonny?”

“Better. A lot better. He’s doing well.”

“Well I also meant about everything that’s happened recently.”

“I was terrified, Alex. I knew I had to explain to him what was going on eventually, but I just kept putting it off. And Sonny still feels guilty about everything, so he didn’t push me, but eventually, when I realized I was actually going to have to talk to the DA, I couldn’t not talk to him… so I just did. I said everything…”

“And?”

“And he was okay. He thought pretty much what you did. He was worried about me. About what it was doing to  _ me _ . I was so prepared for him to call me a murderer and throw me out of our apartment but he just asked me if I needed a hug.”

“Good.”

“Do you think Liv could give Sonny some time off? I haven’t taken a real vacation in years. We could go to Hawaii, if we got enough time off we could probably go to Europe for at least a few days. The pros of never having a vacation but always setting aside money just in case I do is that we could really do something nice, get a change of scenery…”

“That sounds lovely, but I did have another idea.”

“Well it better be good, because it’s competing against Paris with the love of my life.”

“Under normal circumstances I’d be intimidated but in this case I’m actually quite confident in my odds.”

“Speak.”

“I was figuring you could come work for me.”

“As what, a paralegal? No offense, Alex, but dealing with the endless battle against organized crime is not quite as good as a romantic getaway.”

“No, Rafi. On my campaign.”

“Your campaign… for what exactly?” Rafael asks, his eyes narrowing.

“Tis the season to announce one’s intent to seek higher office. Apparently our dear old Congresswoman is retiring. I got a call from the New York Democratic Party and another from the DNC. They already had some staff in mind.”

“Holy shit.”

“I’m running for Congress!” Alex’s face breaks out into a huge grin. 

“You’re not.”

“I am! I already worked it out with Liv, and talked to Noah, and my boss, and everything is in order. I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone until a couple days ago and with everything that was going on I did want to distract you. But I’m running. My announcement is in a week.”

“And you want my help?”

“Yeah. Revising speeches, canvassing, strategy, the works.”

“I don’t know that much about politics.”

“You do know New York politics, and even so it’s pretty much just glorified volunteer work for a couple weeks. The initial push is probably the most important part of the campaign since we’re getting a late start and the Democratic primary is the more important election than the general.”

“It’s that blue a district?”

“I’m pretty sure an organic apple spray-painted blue could beat a moderate Republican. So this race will be determined by which Democrat is on the ballot. Which means the more savvy volunteers, i.e. people like you, we have, the better our odds. You write well, you’re charming, you know the issues. Besides, I already talked about it with my campaign manager, Angela. So, what do you say?”

“I say that if Sonny and I hold off on our vacation until winter we could probably get double the time off.”

“That’s the spirit.”

“I assume that you already have a folder full of strategy notes in your purse?”

“A folder? Who do you take me for, an amateur? I have a binder.”

“Ah, apologies.”

“What do you think of the slogan, ‘Alex Cabot for the People’?” Alex asks, drawing Rafael’s attention away from the speech he’s reviewing.

“I like it. It’s cute.”

“You don’t think it will confuse people by linking my progressive criminal justice agenda to my record as a prosecutor?”

“I think your record as a prosecutor is evidence of your progressive criminal justice agenda, so it’s not an issue. Besides, even if you wanted to, you couldn’t distance yourself from your record as a prosecutor. I’d agree that prosecution would be an issue if you worked Vice or Narcotics but you specifically worked on sexual assault, child abuse, and organized crime cases so if you can communicate what you actually did as a prosecutor you should be fine.” Alex smiles and raises an eyebrow. “What?”

“You said you didn’t understand New York politics.”

“I don’t.”

“That was pretty much exactly what Angela said.”

“Recent events have forced me to familiarize myself with what makes good PR.” Alex sighs and sets down her papers.

“You’re going to be fine, Rafa.”

“As long as you keep me occupied.”

“Trust me, that won’t be a problem.”

Rafael rises to his feet, clapping loudly as Alex finishes her announcement speech, Liv and Noah standing beside her. It’s been a while (since Muñoz) since he actually felt excited about politics. He always voted, but he never wanted to hit the streets and actually campaign. But watching Alex speak, feeling the energy of the crowd, he felt like he could run a marathon. And then possibly die of exhaustion, but still, run a marathon. As he helps clean up foldable chairs with the rest of the volunteers, he sees Alex walking up to him, pausing every so often to thank people for their help. Rafael smiles, he loves seeing Alex in her element.

“Love the shirt,” Alex says when she reaches him, and Rafael laughs, looking down at his blue and white ‘Alex Cabot for the People’ shirt. 

“Thank you. A friend got it for me.”

“I hear the friend has good taste and was endorsed by the National Organization for Women.”

“Really? I thought you didn’t find out about it for another few days.”

“Angela has connections.”

“Congrats, Alex, that’s great.”

“I know. I remember interning with them in undergrad. Life is insane.”

“Tell me about it.”

“What about you. How is suspension treating you?”

“Well I’ve been busy so I haven’t had enough time to really wallow in my shame,” Rafael sighs. “I know, I know, I have nothing to be ashamed about,” Rafael says when Alex opens her mouth to object. “What I mean to say is that it’s been good to be out of my own head. So thank you.”

“Thank  _ you _ , Rafael. You’ve been a lifesaver, honestly. I should offer you an actual job.”

“Under no circumstances. I like my current job where I only have to sell my soul every other day.”

“Fair enough. I got to go, I’m riding with Angela back to campaign headquarters.”

“I’ll see you around.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congresswoman Alex Cabot for the win! Season 19 opens with the primary and the general election is the second-to-last chapter of the story. 
> 
> I'm almost done with the writing for this story (though there are about eight more chapters left). It's been a wild ride. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	58. Chapter 58

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael struggles with a case. Alex leaves an event early.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter of season 18! Much love to everyone who has supported this story.
> 
> I am very excited to present this chapter (I haven't done a good, old-fashioned characters-discussing-a-case chapter in a while) and I'm also excited for season 19 chapters. Overall I'm just excited.

“Did you enjoy the event, Noah?” Alex asks, closing their front door behind her.

“Someone taked our pictures!”

“They sure did, Sweetheart.”

“People liked me. People were nice.”

“They did like you, because you’re excellent, and they’re smart. Now, do you remember what the deal is for this evening?”

“I get to watch Mickey Mouse on the iPad if I don’t inte- inte-”

“Interrupt.”

“If I don’t interrupt you and Uncle Rafa.”

“Unless?”

“Unless I really, really, really need to!”

“Exactly.”

“Can I watch it now?”

“Sure.”

“Yay! Thank you!”

“You’re welcome.” As Noah grabs the iPad from off the coffee table and heads to his room, Alex checks the fridge to see if she has anything that could pass for a snack. Settling on apples and peanut butter, she begins to lay out three plates when the doorbell rings. Crossing the room and opening the door, she notices Rafael looking decidedly worse for wear. “Pardon the mess, usually obviously we’d go to Forlini’s but with Liv still working it’s my turn to watch Noah.”

“It’s fine.”

“Are you okay?”

“Every time I think this case has run out of twists, it adds another, still worse twist.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“Sonny’s taking it worse than I am.”

“Also not an answer.”

“I should be able to just suck it up and be the supportive one for Sonny, but I’m so tired.”

“Why don’t you come sit down?”

“I should get back to work, I just wanted to say that I care about you, and would never do anything to hurt you.”

“Sit down. I’m going to get you some apple. And then I think we should talk.”

“It’s fine, I’m taking up part of your day.”

“You just gave me an excuse to leave an event a little early and to become the cool parent by letting my son watch too much TV. Neither of which are problems.” Rafael finally sighs and takes off his coat, and Alex returns to the kitchen, returning with two plates of apples and peanut butter.

“So, the church case?”

“How’d you know?”

“You’re talking to someone who quit SVU because of a hate crime case. Trust me, I know one when I see one.”

“Right.”

“So, the case.”

“The kid, Lucas, he’s gay, and the reverend brainwashed him and ordered him to rape Anne because it would cure both of them.” Alex brings her hand up to her mouth, her eyes widening slightly.

“But if he says that, you can get the reverend, right?”

“That’s the goal.”

“What’s going to happen to Lucas?”

“He’ll probably plead guilty to sexual assault. Because he did assault her, no matter what motivated him. But you can see why this case is trying.”

“Definitely.”

“The defense attorney is trying to argue that Lucas’ assault was protected under the first amendment.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Apparently rape is protected by religious freedom, who knew?”

“I… That might be the stupidest argument I’ve ever seen a defense attorney introduce, and I was there when John Buchanan first showed up in New York.”

“You don’t think the jury could possibly buy it, could they?”

“I doubt it, but I didn’t think that they would buy the ‘legitimate rape’ argument and they bought that.”

“Peachy.”

“I mean I can’t imagine what would possess someone to believe that,” Alex sighs, wringing her hands.

“You haven’t met the reverend.”

“That’s probably for the best. I don’t want to go viral for a profane rant so close to the primary.”

“It would probably help you.”

“Yeah, but it might also help him. He can go back to his church and use me as an example of the insane lesbian who wants to destroy his religion and obliterate his values. And he wouldn’t even be wrong, really, except for the insane part.”

“Maintaining decorum has been… difficult.”

“I can’t imagine. You could probably pawn it off on another ADA, you know. I doubt McCoy will force you to stay on.”

“It’s my case. For better or worse, it’s my case. Anne trusts me.”

“That’s noble.”

“If I can’t guarantee victory at least I guarantee that I tried.”

“For the record, I do think you will win.”

“What I wouldn’t give for your confidence.”

“Do all hate crimes cases suck this bad?” Sonny asks as Alex returns from the bar with drinks for herself, Sonny, Rafael, and Olivia.

“I don’t know,” Olivia says with a shrug. “Definitely the worst we’ve had in a while. There was a hate crime case a few years ago that made Alex quit.”

“I thought you left because you got offered a different job?”

“I did, but that case made the call a lot easier.”

“I get that.”

“The depressing thing is that this case ended better than a lot of them,” Rafael sighs. “There’s a good chance that we stopped the reverend from doing it again, even if we didn’t get a punitive sentence.”

“The human trafficking angle was clever,” Alex says with a smile. “Hell of a bluff though, I’m not sure what I would have advised if you ran it by me.”

“Which is why we didn’t run it by you.”

“Fair enough.”

“Do you really think that he actually took the deal to help his congregants?” Sonny asks. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I don’t know. I mean obviously the dude’s a scumbag, but I think that he honestly thought that he cared about his congregants, that he believed he was a good person.”

“I think he took the deal because even with all his martyrdom bullshit, he was a coward,” Alex answers. “I think that he gets his rocks off manipulating vulnerable teenagers and he didn’t want to try his luck against people his own age who haven’t been trained to love him since the age of three.”

“Still though, you would think going to trial would help him be all like ‘look how persecuted we are,’ you know? He would go back to wherever the hell he’s from and just be like ‘behold me, the most amazing martyr’ and he’d get a whole bunch of donations.”

“The thing with stepping into danger to prove you’re persecuted is that you might actually face punishments, you might actually have to sacrifice something to a greater point,” Rafael argues. “A man like Gary wasn’t prepared for that, so he folded.”

“I don’t know,” Olivia objects. “I’m with Sonny on this one, for no other reason than if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years as a detective it’s that people genuinely believe their delusions. Their delusions are wrong, but they will do anything under the sun because they believe that they are real. I think that he thought he was some hero, saving the world from sin by destroying one gay teenager at a time.”

“Yeah, I mean come on, Raf, I know you grew up in the church. People would justify all kinds of things by saying that they’re doing it in the name of opposing sin. I mean, they’re full of shit, but they do believe they’re right. Like, my parents don’t want me bringing you around or even going to church with them, and they say it’s because they object to my ‘sinful lifestyle.’ And it sucks, but I like to think that they genuinely believe that as opposed to that they just decided to hate me after almost forty years.”

“I agree with that about Lucas,” Rafael concedes, nodding at Sonny. “I think that Lucas genuinely thought he was helping even though what he did was objectively assault, but I think that Gary was preaching was so extreme that it’s less like the church and more like a cult. Gary was the leader, and maybe he did radicalize himself but I still think it was about control. His control. And how he could take it away from innocent kids.”

“I think it was both,” Olivia says simply. “I don’t think he was entirely a zealot and I don’t think he was entirely a sociopath. I think he was just evil, and quite frankly, I don’t really care about the specifics. That’s the psychiatrist’s problem.”

“Absolutely,” Alex agrees. “Not our problem. We’re done. And, as my contribution to the team, I’ll be designated driver. This case was draining for me and I wasn’t even technically working on it.”

“Our hero,” Rafael sighs, giving Alex a tired smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus ends one of the angstiest seasons. I hope everyone liked it. 
> 
> I have one more chapter left to write before everything in this story is written. I'm going to get emotional. It's going to be an experience.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	59. A primary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael stays up late. Alex waits for primary results.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello and welcome to the last new season welcome! Season 19 will be the last season this story features, however I do have a bunch of chapters because in case you haven't noticed there are at least two as yet unresolved plot lines (what's going on with Rafael and Sonny? Alex + Congress?).
> 
> Also, yay first chapter of the Biden Administration! I think it's fitting that the first chapter released during Biden's America is a nice piece of political fluff. Don't worry, you don't need political background knowledge to understand what's going on. 
> 
> In this chapter we will have Noah being excellent, Alex being anxious, Rafael being mocked for his horrible flirting, and Angela the campaign manager trying to hold everything together!

“So I refreshed the AP count a few seconds ago, the numbers are looking good,” Rafael informs Alex.

“Uncle Rafa, do you want a balloon?” Noah, holding out a red, white, and blue balloon from his place by Alex’s side. 

“Sure, I’d love a balloon.” Rafael accepts the balloon. “Are you sure that this balloon meets the federally mandated regulations for helium density?”

“I don’t think balloons need rules.”

“You’re probably right, and even if we did break them, if your mother wins, she could just change the rules.”

“Yeah!”

“Thank you very much, Noah, but your mother and I need to talk about grown-up stuff. You know, I think I saw Jesse and Aunt Amanda with cookies, and I bet they’d give you some.” 

“Really? Awesome!” As Noah runs off, Alex gestures at Olivia from across the room to watch him. 

“Nice balloon,” she comments, glancing from Rafael to the balloon.

“His hands are sticky. What has he been eating?”

“Jello.”

“With his fingers?”

“Probably.”

“Aren’t you supposed to teach him not to do that?”

“I’m a little preoccupied at the moment.”

“Indeed,” Rafael says with a laugh. “How are you not constantly checking your phone?”

“Angela texts me with updates. I’m pretty sure she’s in the coat closet and pulling her hair out. I have to be here though, and I can’t look stressed because if I look stressed then the staff gets stressed, and trust me, you do not want to see an entire political staff overcome with election anxiety.”

“The numbers are promising though. It’s still early, but you’re doing better than expected.”

“You think so?”

“Yes, I do.”

“They look good?”

“Very good.”

“Would you say they look… yummy?”

“I swear to god, Alex…”

“You said it in front of Liv, Rafa. You called Sonny’s vocabulary  _ yummy _ in front of the detectives.”

“I was there.”

“Indeed you were. And I’m going to mock you until the end of time.”

“In my defense, ‘obfuscate’ is a very nice word.”

“We agree on that. It’s definitely a yummy word.”

“Alexandra…”

“And so, if there are many yummy words, there must also be yummy numbers. Thus, I ask, are the numbers yummy?”

“You can keep asking me, but all I will say is that they look good. And eventually you will be called away or get distracted, and I will win. Let’s just save ourselves the time.”

“Fine. The numbers look good,” Alex takes a deep breath and clasps and unclasps her hands. “I feel like I need to be doing something. Is there something that needs to be done? There must be, right? Part of the whole progressive ethos is that the work is never done.”

“All you can do is wait.”

“I’m not good at waiting, I’m good at doing.”

“Clearly.”

“Do you think all these people have stickers? I probably have some extra stickers in my purse.”

“I think everyone has a sticker.”

“I should thank the volunteers again.”

“You already did that. If you do it again they might think you’re being insincere.”

“Right.”

“Look, Alex, why don’t you go find Olivia and take an extended bathroom break?”

“You’re… advising me to go make out with my wife in the Forlini’s bathroom during our Primary Election Results event?”

“Either that or go do some jumping jacks outside, because I think you’re about to start radiating anxiety, and we have hours before the primary is called.”

“I don’t know about that. We could lose in the next twenty minutes. The polls could be wrong. It’s happened before.”

“By that logic we could also win in the next twenty minutes.”

“Yeah but the universe hates me.”

“Good point.” Alex elbows him. “What? I’m agreeing with you.”

“You’re not being helpful.”

“So I get elbowed if I say you’re going to lose, but you lose your mind if I say we’re going to win.”

“You can’t ever say we’re going to win on an election day, Rafa. It’s bad luck.”

“Have you always been this superstitious and I’ve just never noticed?”

“I listen to what Angela tells me.”

“Ah.”

As 10:00 passes, Alex inwardly praises herself for maintaining her grip on sanity. It was shortly after that that Rafael informed her she had been muttering the word “numbers” to herself under her breath for the past few minutes. 

Alex jumps when she feels someone tapping her on the shoulder, whipping around to see Olivia with Noah in her arms, half asleep against her shoulder.

“It’s getting really late for him,” Olivia whispers. “Amanda volunteered to take the kids for an impromptu sleepover at her apartment.”

“No… Want to stay… See Mommy…” Noah says with a yawn. 

“You’ll see me tomorrow morning, Sweetheart, besides, you always have fun with Aunt Amanda and Jesse,” Alex tells him with a smile. Turning to Olivia she continues, “That’s a great idea. Tell Amanda we owe her one.”

“Oh, she knows. We’re free babysitting for her next date night.”

“Sounds like a fair trade.” 

“Noah, you’re going to go with Aunt Amanda, okay?” Olivia whispers to him.

“Okay… goodnight…”

“Goodnight, Sweetheart, I love you,” Alex says, kissing him on the head before Olivia walks off to find Amanda by the entrance. 

“Is Noah going home?” Angela asks, walking up to Alex from the table where she was sitting.

“It’s late.”

“Definitely. I’m sorry to say there’s no end in sight. We’re leading, but we’ve got at least a couple hours.”

“Well, we expected as much, right?” Alex asks with a weak smile. Angela nods.

“We did. I spoke with the manager, a guy named Franco, and he’s sending his employees home at the normal time, but he’s volunteered to stick around and keep this place open. Apparently he’s invested.”

“I’ve known him awhile.”

“I guessed that.”

“Who’s still here?”

“Well, most of the volunteers have gone home, but the campaign staff is still here and settling in for a long night. Most of Olivia’s colleagues have gone home, but Rafael and his boyfriend are still here. There are also still some journalists outside.”

“Can I show visible signs of stress yet?”

“It’s not ideal.”

“You would think that people would find it comforting that the woman they hope will represent them in Congress is a real human with emotions.”

“You would, you’re not just a woman. You’re their leader. It’s like when a kid looks at their mother during a thunderstorm. If their mother is calm, they feel better. If their mother is panicking, they think they’re going to die. Trust me, I’ve been on enough campaigns. You’re here to get them through their stress.”

“Okay. I trust you.”

“Good. If you need me, I’ll be in the corner, over-analyzing all my choices since I started this job.”

“Noted.”

“Do all primaries take this long?” Sonny asks with a yawn.

“There are a lot of Democrats in the New York 16th,” Alex mutters, eyes glued to the television.

“Yeah I got that part. Still, shouldn’t they have counted all the votes by now?”

“One would think.”

“You know I never used to vote in primaries,” Sonny comments and Alex, Rafael, and Olivia’s gazes immediately find him.

“What?” Rafael asks, eyes wide. 

“I mean I always voted in the general, even the midterms, and I thought that was pretty good.”

“You didn’t vote in the primaries?”

“I just always showed up in November and voted for the Democrat. I trust the more political people to pick the best Democrat. Like, I still don’t understand the difference between public option health care and Medicare for All, so do you really want  _ me  _ picking the nominee?”

“Okay, well first of all, public option just opens an alternative to private health insurance while Medicare for All  _ replaces _ -” Alex begins.

“We’re too tired right now, Al,” Olivia interrupts and Alex sighs.

“You have to vote in primaries,” Alex says simply.

“I’ll tell you who to vote for,” Rafael adds. Sonny is about to respond when there’s a yell from the back of the room.

“Everyone, shut up!” Angela calls. “Turn up the volume,” she says to Franco, and the entire room goes quiet.

“Well, with 99% of votes counted, we are finally ready to announce the result of one of the most contested primary elections in the country,” the newscaster begins. Alex grabs Olivia’s hand, squeezing so hard that she briefly worries Olivia might be in pain, but Olivia just squeezes her hand back. “The Democratic nominee for the 16th Congressional district of New York will be Assistant United States Attorney Alexandra Cabot-” 

The room explodes. Olivia pulls Alex into her arms, placing her hands on both sides of Alex’s face and pulling her in for a kiss. Alex pulls back for a moment to twirl Olivia into an awkward dance that almost makes her fall down. As soon as she lets go, Angela hugs her so hard she feels her ribs may crack. They exchange congratulations, and once Alex finally thinks she’ll be able to breathe Rafael almost tackles her in a hug. 

“Congratulations! I’m so proud of you!” he almost yells, but she barely hears him above the noise of the room. Franco is declaring that the next round of drinks are on the house, Sonny is trying to herd people together for a group photo, and Angela is ordering one of the lower-ranked staffers to get the victory speech and another to go give a preliminary statement to the reporters.

Alex realizes she finally has something to do. 

She turns to Angela, smiling widely.

“What’s next?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex for Congress!!! Yay!!! The general will be the second to last chapter. Next we have to deal with one of the two angst chapters of this season. It's for "Gone Baby Gone" so you'll probably be able to guess what happens. 
> 
> I'm still writing the last chapter!!! It's just taking forever because it's important and I'm going to be emotional writing it (though it is incredibly fluffy). 
> 
> After this story, I will probably do two more 5+1s (one Cabenson, one Barisi) to be released around Valentine's Day, I'm planning Black Mirror AUs (again one Cabenson, one Barisi, each corresponding to one episode) but I'm not sure how long those will be, either a few thousand words or much longer (not this story long, but still). And then in spring there's Purim and Passover, two excellent Jewish holidays, which will see the return of Jewish Rafael. I'll also probably write some "normal" one shots. So many plans. Will they all happen? No promises. But some will happen. My point is, if you like my writing, this story will not be the last you see of me.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	60. A child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael sits with Alex. Alex worries about finding Noah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 60!!! Holy crap!!! You might be tired of me getting excited every little thing but I never expected the fanfic to go this well when I started it so I will express my gratitude to all the excellent people who read my story and left kudos and comments. You really helped motivate me to keep writing and get this done!
> 
> This chapter is a real rollercoaster. We start with some angst and then finish with some family fluff featuring the entire team.

“He’s gone,” Alex whispers, digging her fingernails into her palms. She hasn’t left Rafael’s office since Olivia got the call. She’d been eating lunch with Rafael. 

It’s funny, because she was eating lunch with Rafael in his office when she got the call that Noah had entered her life, and she was eating lunch with Rafael in his office when she got the call that Noah may have exited her life. 

She can’t breathe. When the call first came, she had a panic attack. She practically collapsed, the tight pressure in her chest so intense that she was certain she was going to die. There was ringing in her ears and her mind could only summon one thought:  _ he’s gone _ . Rafael, bless him, has had his fair share of panic attacks and had learned even more about them over the last year, so he had immediately known what to do, gently guiding her back to the world. Now, he’s holding out a water bottle.

“Drink this,” he says. “Just a little. It will help.”

“He’s gone,” Alex repeats, her eyes fixed on her hands. 

“Alex, you need to drink.”

“I need my son.” That catches Rafael off guard, and he stares at her, his eyes wide, and Alex can practically hear his mind scrambling to come up with a response. 

“You need to be conscious when he comes back.”

“They don’t know where he is.”

“They’re looking for him. They’ll find him.”

“I should be looking for him.” Liv is out there. Liv is looking for Noah. Alex should be with her, but Alex has been in Rafael’s office, hiding from Liv as much as doing anything else. It’s safer here, because if she saw Liv, they would both break down. Possibly worse is that that image, parents breaking down in each other’s arms over a missing child, is not an uncommon sight at SVU. They would cease to be Alex and Liv and instead become The Parents. The Parents rarely find their child alive. But here, in Rafael’s office, separated from Liv, and the detectives, and the reporters who are disgustingly interested in covering the disappearance of a Congressional candidate’s son, Alex can allow herself to believe that Noah is different. 

“Please drink some water.”

Alex takes the bottle.

“They think that Sheila took him,” Rafael says, handing Alex one of the two cups of coffee in his hands. 

“Liv told me.” Liv had stopped by Rafael’s office. They had talked. Well, “talked” was a strong word. Alex had cried and Olivia had recited every reassuring statistic she knew while completely unable to stop her own tears, and then she had gotten called away again. Then Liv had called her, and told her about Sheila. 

Sheila. They had invited Sheila over for dinner. Sheila had met them. Sheila had been nice to them. And now Sheila has stolen their child. It doesn’t make sense. How could Alex not have predicted this? With all of the nightmares she’s had about completely meaningless things, how could she have missed something so apocalyptic and yet imminent?

“I should have seen this coming,” she mutters.

“There’s no way you could have known this would happen,” Rafael objects. “I’ve met her. She seemed normal, if a little sad.”

“I was the one who told Liv to allow Sheila more time with Noah,” Alex tells him. 

“Why?”

“We all thought Ellie’s mother was dead and she wasn’t dead, and then she came back just hoping that the doors to her family weren’t permanently closed. It struck a chord with me.” Rafael nods and Alex pinches the bridge of her nose. “I talked about that with her,” she sighs. “I talked about how she would always be able to see her grandson, that she would always be part of Noah’s life, that we wouldn’t just cut her off. Why would she do this?”

“It wasn’t enough for her, I guess.”

“She’s barely known him for a year. I’ve known him pretty much his entire life. He’s my son. Mine and Olivia’s. How could she do this to us? How could she figure that she could, that anyone could, love him more than we do?”

“He’s her blood.”

“So what? So because neither Olivia nor I gave birth to him he’s not our child? We don’t deserve him? We’re inherently less capable of love than his biological family?” Alex snaps. “Because I have bad news for you about your and Sonny’s potential children.”

“No, Alex, I’m just saying what she probably thinks.”

“I’m sorry,” Alex says after a moment. “I shouldn’t have gone after you.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I was rude.”

“Your son was kidnapped. You could throw your coffee cup at my head and I wouldn’t be mad.”

“Maybe that would be cathartic.”

“Well let me change out of this suit and you can have at it,” Rafael says with a smirk, and Alex laughs tiredly.

“They’ve found him!” Rafael says with a wide smile, running into his office where Alex is still waiting anxiously. 

“They did?” Alex asks, springing up from her seat and bolting over to Rafael, grabbing him by the shoulders. “You’re not fucking with me?”

“Of course not, I would never. They found him. Sonny called me. Apparently Olivia’s a little disoriented, there was an altercation between her and Sheila. But she’s fine, and Noah’s fine. Apparently he didn’t even know what was going on, he just thought he was on a surprise vacation to go see some deer.” Alex almost collapses into Rafael’s arms, letting out a choked sob of relief.

“He’s okay,” she breathes. “He’s okay. He’s coming back.”

“He’s fine, Alex. Not even scared.”

“And Sheila?” Alex asks, pulling away and looking directly at Rafael, a dark expression on her face.

“Tried to fight Olivia. Lost. Some minor bruises but otherwise in perfect health and ready to be tried.”

“When she comes here, tell Sonny not to let me see her. No matter what I say later, don’t let me see her.”

“Why?”

“I’ll probably do something that will jeopardize my status of not incarcerated.”

“Noted.”

“When will Noah be here?”

“A few hours. Olivia’s with him.”

“And then I can see him?”

“And then you can go home as a family. Apparently he’s already been checked out and deemed perfectly healthy.”

“Thank god.”

“I’ve been advised to tell you that you should go home. Sonny will drop Noah and Liv off at your apartment.”

“Really? That’s okay?”

“I assume so.”

“You’re going to stay here?”

“I’ll have to recuse myself for the actual trial but that doesn’t mean I can’t do a lot of yelling before the process officially begins. You go home, I’ll take care of the vengeance.”

“You’re the best, Rafi. Seriously, I don’t know how I would have survived this without you.”

“I’m just glad I could help,” Rafael says warmly as Alex grabs her things, pulls him into one last hug, and practically runs out the door.

“And then I use my super ion blaster, and I shoot you!” Noah says, mimicking an explosion sound and knocking his toy robot against Rafael’s. “You’re dead.”

“I block with my shield,” Rafael protests, manipulating his robot’s arm to rest in front of its face.

“You don’t have a shield, Uncle Rafa. You’re just dead.”

“I don’t know, I think I have an invisible shield.”

“That’s not a thing.”

“Who says?”

“I say. They’re my robots, and that one doesn’t have a shield. This one does,” Noah says, picking up Sonny’s robot. “But Uncle Sonny forgot.”

“Well I feel like I should get Uncle Sonny’s shield since he forgot to use his.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“Very well. I surrender. You’ve defeated me.”

“You’re pretty bad at playing robots, Uncle Rafa.”

“Well, we can’t all be connoisseurs like you,” Rafael sighs, setting down his robot. Noah turns to Alex.

“Mommy, what’s a cono-sewer?” 

“It means someone who knows a lot about something.”  
“I know a lot about robots.”

“Yes you do, which is why Uncle Rafa was right to use that word.”

“I am a cono-sewer of robots!” Noah declares. “I’m going to tell Ms. Green that I learned that word. She’ll think that’s so cool.”

“I bet she will. Noah, it’s almost time for bed.”

“But you said I could stay up late!”

“And you have. It’s 9:30, that’s very late. And besides, I bet Uncle Rafa and Uncle Sonny are getting sleepy, and they want to go home.” 

“She’s right,” Sonny adds with an exaggerated yawn. “Uncle Rafa and I are very tired, but we can’t go home until you agree to go to bed.”

“Well I don’t want Uncle Rafa and Uncle Sonny to be sad,” Noah tells Alex. “Can I have a story before bedtime?”

“If you brush your teeth for two whole minutes,” Alex promises, and Noah runs off. 

“I’ll read to him, if that’s okay,” Liv says, patting Alex on the shoulder. “And then I think I’ll turn in. It’s been… a long day.” 

“I’ll be right behind you,” Alex agrees, pecking Liv on the lips. “Thanks,” she says to Sonny, who just nods. Then she remembers something. She goes back into the kitchen and returns with a cake in a glass container. “We made this for you guys as a thank you. The frosting might be a little runny, we had to finish it right as people were coming over and the cake was still warm when we put it on.”

“When you say ‘we,’ do you mean that you or Liv baked it?” Rafael asks, taking the cake gingerly.

“I don’t see why that matters,” Sonny says. 

“Alex can’t cook for shit,” Rafael informs him bluntly, startling a laugh out of Alex while Sonny blanches.

“Raf! I’m sure-”

“No, he’s absolutely right,” Alex assures him. “Don’t worry, Rafa. Liv baked it. I just did the decorating.”

“Very well. You didn’t have to, by the way.”

“And you didn’t have to sit with me for hours on end. Consider us even.”

“Alright. Good night, Alex.”

“Good night, family.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rafael may be a champion lawyer but his robots game is lacking. Ah well. 
> 
> I don't want to spoil next chapter but it's very fluffy. Big developments coming for Barisi next chapter!
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	61. A favor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael asks Alex for help on an errand. Alex receives a surprise visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I am aware that this chapter title is a repeat! Yes, it is on purpose! 
> 
> This is another one of my favorites. I like fluff, what can I say.

Rafael has been doing some thinking about Sonny. 

Well, Rafael does a lot of thinking about Sonny. He thinks about Sonny when a movie has a sweet ending, he thinks about Sonny when he has a particularly good cup of coffee, and he thinks about Sonny at completely random times, when his eyes fix on nothing and he finds himself smiling. It costs him valuable time at work.

Rafael has never cared for anyone the way he cares for Sonny. In the past he’s looked at relationships as a way to fix himself, or a way to pass the time, or a way to force himself to forget about work, but his relationship with Sonny does more than that. It makes him happy. Really, truly, humming-love-songs-under-his-breath happy. 

He’s never felt as safe with anyone as he feels with Sonny. Even in their darkest moments, Rafael stayed, fought through the urge to run, because he knew that Sonny would never, ever hurt him on purpose. And he was right. Sonny is considerate. Sonny tries to protect him, in ways that Rafael would find annoying if they came from anyone else. Sonny puts his arm out in front of him whenever Rafael tries to engage in his favorite pastime of jaywalking. Sonny hesitates before disclosing potentially distressing case information, despite the fact that Rafael will be prosecuting the case and has been prosecuting similar cases since before Sonny even considered law school. Sonny buys him tulips because Rafael told him roses remind him of bad memories. 

Sonny buys him tulips and candies because it’s Monday, or because he heard a song that reminded him of Rafael, or because he just felt like it that particular morning. When Rafael stopped by the precinct on his night off to bring Sonny dinner about six months into their relationship, Sonny’s absolutely thrilled reaction impressed upon Rafael how much Rafael did not do those things. So Rafael decided to try. 

Rafael can draw, he learned in college and occasionally sketches things whenever he gets distracted at work. It’s a talent he had cast aside as useless but it was now clear to him how very unuseless it was. So he had started drawing Sonny little pictures and leaving them for him, and he reveled in the way Sonny’s face lit up whenever he found one. He was also a little proud of himself. Proud that he had found a way to convey his emotions to Sonny that wasn’t through muttered sentimental declarations or prolonged, helpless stares. Sonny makes him feel good about himself. Rafael has never really felt good about himself before.

And Rafael loves him. More than words can express.

So Rafael summons Alex to Forlini’s to ask her for a favor.

“You didn’t give me a lot of detail over the phone, is everything alright?” Alex asks, sitting down across from him.

“Everything’s better than alright, Alex,” Rafael answers, unable to stop the smile from spreading across his face.

“Did you get promoted?”

“No.”

“Did you win the lottery?”

“No.”

"Was John Buchanan found guilty of tax fraud?"

"No."

“Well then what is it because I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen that expression from you.”

“I need a favor.”

“Anything.”

“Can you help me look for engagement rings this weekend?” Rafael asks, lifting his gaze to Alex and laughing to himself as her eyes widen and she brings a hand to her mouth.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes, Alex. I’m serious.”

“Oh my god.”

“I’m going to ask Sonny to marry me.”

“Congratulations!” Alex exclaims happily. “This is huge. I’m so, so happy for you.”

“He hasn’t said yes yet.”

“I’m surprised he hasn’t proposed yet.”

“You’ll help, right?”

“Of course I’ll help. I’ll text you an itinerary of the best jewelry stores to visit later tonight. We’ll start at 9:00am Saturday morning so hopefully you can propose before the end of weekend if you want to. That gives me the entire week to plan a celebration before the election and then I will be giving you constant advice on the wedding like one of those talking birds from a Disney movie.”

“You really have this all planned out.”

“You asked me to help! And you’re my best friend, and I know how important this is for you. You asked me for help, and I will be the most helpful I have ever been.”

“Well then, I guess I’ll see you at 9:00am on Saturday.”

Alex hears a knock on her door the next night.

“Did you order food?” Alex asks Olivia, who shakes her head.

“Must be work,” Olivia sighs. “Don’t worry, I’ll get it.” Olivia opens the door and frowns in confusion.

“Carisi? Is everything okay?”

“Uh yeah, everything’s great, Lieu. Sorry to interrupt your night. I was wondering if I could talk to Alex.”

“Sure, she’s right in the living room. Alex!” Olivia calls.

“Sonny, what are you doing here?”

“I was wondering if we could talk.”

“At 8:00 on Friday night?”

“Well yeah, this is the only time I had off that Rafael didn’t.”

“Come inside,” Alex says, beckoning with one arm, trying to ignore the voice telling her something may have gone wrong.

“Hi, Uncle Sonny!” Noah greets happily.

“Hi, Noah. Any other time I’d love to play with you, buddy, but I need to talk to your mommy.”

“Okay, but hurry up. Mommy says that because it’s not a school night I can stay up to watch  _ Frozen _ .”

“That’s awesome. I love that movie.”

“Me too! I like Sven. He’s funny.”

“Noah, Mommy and Uncle Sonny need to talk,” Alex says with a smile. Alex leads Sonny to her office and shuts the door. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. There’s not a problem, or anything. I probably should have thought about what it might seem like just showing up here without Rafael. But we’re totally good, I promise.”

“So then why are you here? Not that I don’t enjoy your company, but usually you call.”

“You’re right, sorry.”

“It’s fine. What did you want to talk about?”

“I, uh,” Sonny stammers nervously. Well, I think I should show you. He rummages into his coat and retrieves a small box. Alex’s eyes widen when he opens it, revealing a platinum engagement ring. “You think he’ll like it, right? Bella and I picked it out.”

“It’s beautiful,” Alex says genuinely. “But why are you talking to me?”

“Well, I already talked to Rafael’s mom. And, well, this is kind of cheesy, but you’re the closest thing to a sister Rafael has-”

“You’re here to ask me for my blessing to marry Rafael?” Alex asks, thoroughly charmed.

“Well I’m going to ask him no matter what,” Sonny says confidently, and Alex laughs. “But yeah, I guess. I just wanted to check in that you’re good with it. That you don’t have any problems.”

“Of course I don’t have any problems.”

“Really?” Alex smiles. It appears Rafael isn’t the only one with nerves. They really are perfect for each other.

“Sonny, Liv and I love you. I couldn’t be happier that you’re going to propose.” Sonny blinks at her for a few moments and then pulls Alex into a hug.

“I’m not going to let you down. I’m going to love him, to be by his side, for the rest of my life.”

“I know you’re not going to let me down. You never have before.” With one last blinding smile, Sonny leaves the room.

“Uncle Sonny, do you want to stay for the movie? I can teach you the songs,” Alex hears Noah offer. 

“Ah, I can’t, Noah. Thank you for the opportunity but I’ve got something really important I have to prepare for at home.”

Alex gets a FaceTime call Saturday night. She’s only recently managed to decompress from a long day on her feet, going from store to store while Rafael ruminated that no ring was  _ the  _ ring yet. She had almost exhausted her list of stores when Rafael finally decided on a ring that Alex honestly couldn’t differentiate from the last two but which apparently had several important differences. With a sigh, she accepts the call. The first thing she notices is the ecstatic look in Rafael’s eyes. The second thing she notices is the ring that Sonny had shown her the night before, shining on Rafael’s finger. Regaining all of her energy in an instant, she springs up from her place on the couch.

“Sonny and I are engaged!” Rafael declares as Alex still flounders for words.

“...I can see that!”

“Is Alex on the phone?” she hears Sonny ask, and suddenly he appears on the camera, grinning happily and turning his hand to display the ring Rafael had picked out. 

“Congratulations!” Rafael laughs and then walks into his office. The first thing Alex notices is several large bouquets of tulips. “What’s with the flowers?”

“Sonny buys them for me, so I wanted to buy them for him. They each have a card that says ‘Will you marry me?’ on them. I had them delivered and put them in my private office. I was going to give them to him tomorrow.”

“Then why are you engaged today?” Alex asks to prevent herself from cooing at the story.

“Sonny scooped me,” Rafael sighs. “He cooked this huge dinner and then we danced. When we were dancing he pretended to trip and fall, and then instead of standing back up he got on one knee and proposed.”

“That’s the most Sonny Carisi proposal I think I’ve ever heard of.”

“It better be, because he told me that this is the only Sonny Carisi proposal that there’s ever been.” Alex laughs and Rafael joins in, smiling widely even after they quiet down. 

“I really am so happy for you, Rafa. You deserve all the happiness in the world.”

“I’m perfectly content with this amount of happiness,” Rafael says, looking at the ring on his finger. “But I do have one thing to ask: Did Sonny tell you he was going to propose to me last night?”

“Yes.”

“And you didn’t tell me?”

“I didn’t want to ruin the surprise!” Alex responds indignantly. “I mean just think about if you already knew this was coming. Would that honestly have been better than what just happened?”

“You’re right,” Rafael admits. 

“So, do you want a surprise engagement party or advance warning?”

“Advance warning would be nice.”

“Understood. Now, assuming I’m your Best Woman, which I better be, by the way, if you want my help on the wedding, do you have any preferences for your Bachelor Party?”

“I didn’t think I had to ask you to be Best Woman, I figured it was just implied with the whole getting engaged thing.”

“Good answer.”

“I would like steak and alcohol.”

“You will get those.”

“Thank you.” Rafael pauses. “Alex? Did you ever think we would get here?”

“I hoped we would.”

“Yeah, I did too. I don’t think I ever believed it though.”

“Stop it, Rafi, you’re going to make me cry.”

“I cried like an idiot when Sonny proposed. So join the club.”

“I can’t, I have too many things to start planning.”

“Remember, you have to give a speech.”

“I know, it’s going to be spectacular.”

“I’m sure it will be. Good night, Alex.”

“Good night, Rafa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All my proposal-related chapters are horribly cheesy. It is what it is. I hope everyone is hyped for Rafael and Sonny's wedding, because Alex certainly is.
> 
> In honor of this milestone, an owl picture: https://i.postimg.cc/kXz0jcx2/Image-1-25-21-at-3-22-PM.jpg
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


	62. Chapter 62

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael gets a job offer. Alex hosts dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have reached the "The Undiscovered Country" post-episode. However, fear not: Rafael does not unplug any life support in this timeline. He just gets a better job. You know, like the ending he deserved.

“That is not the face of someone who invited me here for wedding planning,” Alex says as she sits down, noting Rafael’s sad stare at the table.

“I got a job offer.”

“Good? I still don’t understand why you seem upset.”

“I think I might have to take it.”

“You don’t  _ have  _ to do anything.”

“I think I do.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I think… I think I might have gone as far as I can here at SVU.”

“What does that mean?”

“I mean I think this job might be taking more out of me than I previously understood.”

“Everyone has bad cases, Rafael.”

“I almost unplugged that child’s life support.” Alex starts at that.

“What?”

“In the hospital. Mrs. Householder asked me for help ending her son’s pain. I almost did it.”

“Rafael…”

“I’m not getting you in trouble. They can’t charge me for attempted murder or conspiracy to commit murder. I already thought about it.”

“Well yeah, they’d run into several problems, the most pressing one being that you can’t kill someone who’s already dead.”

“What?”

“Drew Householder was brain dead. I could summon dozens of doctors who would say that that counts as death. People turn off life support for brain dead people all the time.”

“You prosecuted the Sarah Miller case.”

“That was different. That girl wouldn’t have been brain dead for years, and even then I almost didn’t. I’m not sure if I would have prosecuted that case today.”

“You’re telling me that you wouldn’t have prosecuted me?”

“No. I wouldn’t have. You don’t try to send someone to jail for 20 years unless you’re 100% sure they belong there. I learned that lesson from the Cheryl Avery case. I wouldn’t try someone who I don’t believe committed a crime.”

“Okay.” Rafael is silent for a few moments. “My father died later than he would have because I couldn’t turn off his life support.”

“I know. You told me.”

“I did? When?”

“During my suspension. The second anniversary of his death.”

“Right. That seems so long ago.”

“It was a long time ago.”

“I didn’t think that child was anything like my father, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I didn’t think you did.”

“I don’t know what was in my head. It scares me slightly, what I came so close to doing. Just seeing all the machines, beeping, and the child lying there in a hospital bed, it brought back two different memories simultaneously. I was so close to doing it, Alex...” Rafael trails off, staring at the table again.

“Can I ask you something? It’s okay if you don’t want to answer,” Alex says softly.

“Ask me anything. I was worried you wouldn’t ever want to talk to me again, that you would think I was despicable,” Rafael responds, squeezing her hand.

“After everything we’ve been through together, you still worry about that?”

“It’s a hard thing to shake. A gift from my father. You had a question?” Rafael asks, looking up at her.

“Right. It sounds like you believe turning off Drew’s life support was the ethical thing to do, and you had trauma surrounding the situation compelling you to end his misery, so why didn’t you?” To Alex’s surprise, the question makes Rafael smile softly, and he shifts his gaze from where it had returned to the table to his engagement ring.

“I thought about Sonny. About you and Liv and Noah. About the harm I would be causing, forcing the people who care about me to watch a trial.” Rafael takes a deep breath and looks back up at Alex. “I finally have a family, something I never thought I’d have. I don’t want to wreck it. I won’t allow myself to wreck it.” Alex blinks tears out of her eyes.

“We should have family dinner this weekend. Liv will cook. Sonny can make dessert. Invite your mother if you want, Liv is getting complacent about her cooking. We should just get together. We haven’t properly gathered since your engagement party.”

“I would really like that.”

“That’s what we’ll do.”

“You mentioned a job offer?” Alex asks later, once the conversation has drifted into lighter subjects.

“I did.”

“Care to elaborate?”

“Senior trial lawyer for the ACLU in New York.”

“Holy crap.”

“They liked my work on the airline case.”

“Other cases too, I imagine.”

“It’s possible.”

“I’m going to need some details.”

“Well, it’s better hours. Slightly better pay, too. I’d have a couple people reporting to me. I’d personally prosecute some of the larger cases, but overall I wouldn’t have to endure the torture of individual SVU cases.”

“Sounds like a good move.”

“I don’t think I’ll get a better one.”

“You know, if you want to stay at SVU, I’m sure you can work through whatever’s going on right now.”

“That’s the problem, I don’t want to stay at SVU. And I feel so guilty about it, because I feel like I need to work at SVU, and I’ve done it for so long. But I just don’t want to work those cases anymore.”

“I’m familiar with the kind of burnout you’re describing, Rafael. It’s not that you don’t want to work those cases anymore, it’s that you can’t.”

“And that doesn’t make me weak?”

“It really doesn’t.”

“Thank you.”

“So, you leaving will leave a hole in the Manhattan DA’s office. You think Sonny will go for it?”

“I don’t think he’ll have the chance. I’m pretty sure McCoy is trying to recruit this Chicago prosecutor, Peter Stone.”

“Peter Stone? That’s his name?”

“Yes?”

“He sounds like a discount James Bond.”

“He really does,” Rafael chuckles.

“The name’s Stone. Peter Stone. Point me towards the nearest CrossFit location,” Alex says, lowering her voice and leaning forward.”

“I will have my BudLight Lime shaken, not stirred,” Rafael continues. “This feels mean.”

“Oh, whatever. You’ve had a long day and he’s stealing what is rightfully Sonny’s.”

“That’s true. Also for most of the conversations I had with him he was looking at me like he was thinking of ways to take my job.” Rafael pauses, and then begins his imitation again. “I thought the Black Friday J. Crew sale only comes once a year.” Alex cackles.

“Alex, for a dinner supposed to celebrate Raf getting an awesome job, this is pretty low key,” Sonny observes as Olivia sets down the last plate of pot roast.

“Don’t remind me, but I have a wedding to plan and even I can’t manage more than one binder at a time.”

“Besides, this is exactly what I asked Alex to arrange,” Rafael objects. “It’s relaxed on purpose.”

“Sorry,” Sonny apologizes. Alex laughs.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“We’re going to miss you, Rafa,” Olivia says warmly. Sonny nods.

“You’re still going to see me,” Rafael protests. “You especially,” he continues, pointing at Sonny. “Did you think I was going to move out?”

“You know what I mean. And I don’t know this new guy. I don’t trust him. He’s too tall.”

“Objection,” Rafael mutters and Alex laughs.

“SVU has a proud legacy of distrusting newcomers,” Olivia acknowledges. “But usually they work out for us. After all, Rafael replaced Alex. And you replaced Amaro, technically, Sonny.”

“Well I promise that I won’t leave him in lockup for hours if he gets pistol whipped,” Sonny grumbles.

“That was years ago,” Olivia laughs.

“It was two years, 10 months ago,” Sonny specifies. “And I swear, my nose still looks bent.”

“I like your nose,” Rafael chimes in.

“Yeah, I figured.”

“See, Sonny. Everything worked out,” Olivia says.

“I guess.”

“So, everyone will be cordial to the new ADA,” Olivia orders.

“But if he tries to steal your spot at Forlini’s, I’ll create an elaborate  _ Home Alone _ -esque booby trap in his office,” Alex tells Rafael.

“I approve. We must protect what is sacred.”

“Indeed. Forlini’s and our family.”

“But primarily Forlini’s.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not going to lie, 100% my favorite part of this chapter was writing Alex and Rafael hating on Peter Stone. I'm sorry if you like Peter Stone. He makes me angry, so he gets roasted. He'll probably get roasted in the final post-episode of the story: In Loco Parentis. 
> 
> Three more chapters after this one. Next chapter will be the election, the one after that will be the final post-episode featuring Alex getting settled in Washington and probably at least one of Sonny's sisters, and then the story will end with Sonny and Rafael's wedding.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	63. A congresswoman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael jokes about Congress. Alex wins an election.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is election time! 
> 
> I love writing election chapters, they are so much fun. Not to mention they're a chance for me to flaunt my political side. Added bonus. Anyway, Alex is a liberal Democrat and she is here to reform the criminal justice system and cleverly insult the Republicans. I did manage to find several excellent Republican jokes for this chapter so I hope you enjoy them.

CNN blares in the background, but Alex isn’t listening. They’re talking about Virginia now, and although she does care about the two or so competitive House races in Virginia, she does not have any brainspace for that right now. Instead, she allows herself a second drink from the bar, checks to make sure none of the journalists are bothering Olivia or Noah, and tries to practice her deep breathing exercises.

Rafael’s voice disrupts her relative peace. 

“How are you holding up?”

“I’m keeping it together, but barely. They aren’t covering New York that much.”

“They don’t view this race as competitive.”

“Still, I feel like it’s rude.”

“Oh well. Want company?”

“At least until Liv comes back.”

“I’m flattered.”

“Wait, hold on, are they covering New York?” Alex asks, squinting as CNN pulls up a graphic of the entire Northeast. “Nope. New Hampshire. Dammit. At this point I think they’re doing it on purpose.”

“Your awful college first date now works for CNN.”

“I don’t know, she was less ‘well-known news network’ and more ‘angry blog post.’”

“Stranger things have happened.”

“Please do not talk about plausible but unlikely outcomes right now.”

“Alright.”

“Hey, Alex!” Sonny calls, walking up to them with a big smile. “How does it feel to be the next Representative from the New York 16th?” Alex blanches.

“Did they call it?” she asks immediately. She probably would have heard Angela’s shriek of glee but maybe not.

“No, but c’mon, I mean the poll numbers-”

“So they didn’t call it,” Alex confirms.

“No.”

“Then why are you saying I won?” Alex asks.

“Well, like I said, because of the numbers…”

“Tell me Sonny, are the numbers finished yet?”

“No… Look, I don’t see why this is a big deal-”

“Because you never, ever, say you’re going to win an election before you’ve won,” Rafael informs him. “It’s bad luck.”

“But Raf, the pundits have been saying there’s like a 98% chance she wins this race for weeks.”

“98% chance of victory still means there’s a 2% chance I will lose,” Alex interrupts before Rafael can speak. “Sonny, have you watched  _ The West Wing _ yet?”

“Raf and I are still on season 1.”

“Well in season 4 a dead man named Horton Wilde, who is a Democrat, wins in a Republican +20 district. Anything can happen.”

“Wait, that happened in  _ The West Wing _ ?” Sonny asks.

“Yes.”

“So then it didn’t happen in real life,” he continues. Alex narrows her eyes.

“Well, no, but-” 

“Then it is fiction, purposefully dramatizing something by including an outcome that would be next to impossible in the real world,” Sonny concludes.

“I think you just got out-lawyered, Alex,” Rafael says gleefully. Alex glares.

“Anxiety doesn’t have to be rational,” she mumbles, turning her gaze back to CNN. Sonny chuckles and starts to leave. “Go find some wood to knock on, Sonny. I’m serious.”

“Nah, Alex, I think I’ll just go back to the party. Where people are partying. Because you’re going to win.” With a dramatic sigh, Alex looks around the room to find the nearest intern.

“Reggie, right?” she calls. The intern turns around.

“You remember my name?”

“Of course, you’ve been doing excellent work. I don’t mean to insult your professionalism, but would you please escort Mr. Carisi to the nearest wooden table and make sure that he knocks on it three times.”

“Alex-” Sonny sighs. Reggie nods enthusiastically.

“Did he say we were going to w-i-n?” Reggie asks in a hushed voice.

“He did.”

“Come on, Mr. Carisi, there’s a table right over here.”

“Fine.” Rafael laughs as Reggie leads Sonny away.

“You’re drunk on your own power,” he tells Alex.

“I’ll feel guilty about it later.”

Not even an hour later, Angela calls for silence. Franco turns the volume all the way up and the room is dead quiet, save for CNN.

“In one of the earliest calls of the night, it should come as no surprise that New York’s 16th Congressional District will go to Assistant United States Attorney Alexandra Cabot-”

Alex lets out an involuntary shout of delight. That seems to break the dam, because the room fills with noise. Music is playing, people are laughing, balloons are released. 

“Mommy! Mommy, you won!” Noah calls,and Alex nods, scooping Noah into her arms.

“Yes, we won! I couldn’t have done it without you!”

“I helped?”

“Yes you did, Sweetheart, you absolutely did!”

“I’m happy for you, Mommy.”

“Thank you, Noah.”

“Mommy? Since we won, can I have ice cream?”

“Oh, absolutely. I bet if you asked Franco very nicely, he’d let you have extra whipped cream.”

“Really?”

“It’s a special occasion.”

“Thanks!”

“Remember to say please and thank you.”

“I will!” 

“That was excellent parenting, babe,” Olivia says, pulling Alex in for a kiss. “That might be the most impressive thing you did tonight.”

“Oh really, did you miss the part where I get elected to the United States House of Representatives?” Alex asks, leaning in to kiss Olivia again.

“Oh, that’s what this party’s for?”

“I think so, yeah.”

“Well then, congratulations.” 

“Thank you. I hope I can count on you to contribute to my reelection campaign.”

“Already?”

“No rest for the wicked,” Alex says with a laugh pulling Olivia towards her. The music switches to something faster and Alex suddenly feels energized. “Wanna dance?”

“Oh, yes, absolutely.” Olivia takes Alex’s hand and pulls her towards the center of the room.

“Is Congresswoman Cabot going to show us the traditional American macarena?” Rafael asks, one eyebrow raised.

“You wish,” she snorts, and almost falls as Olivia spins her.

“Alex! No dancing!” Angela calls from the bar.

“What? Why not?” Alex demands.

“We want to be reelected.”

“And?”

“And you’re a terrible dancer.”

“I am not. I will have you know that I have attended many DA’s office functions, not to mention the events I myself have planned-”

“We don’t need the first story about you being about how you sprained your ankle in a stupid way. Haven’t you ever watched  _ The West Wing _ ?” Rafael laughs in the background and Alex wishes she had a rubber band to fire at him. 

“Have I ever… How could you ask me that? And it’s not at all similar...”

“Stick to the speeches, Congresswoman.”

“Fine.” She turns to Olivia, who tries to cover her laughter with her hand. “Since Angela has apparently become a  _ Footloose _ villain, do you want to get a head start on thanking the staff?”

“That sounds like a good idea.”

“So you’ll be headed to Washington,” Rafael sighs as Olivia thanks her detectives for coming by the door.

“Only for about half the time. And not for a few months.”

“You better be here for my wedding.”

“Trust me, you do not need to worry about that.”

“You realize that now you will have to deal with my mother sending you complaints about everything she doesn’t like with the city, expecting you to fix it?”

“Your mother doesn’t vote in my district.”

“Like that will stop her.”

“True,” Alex says with a laugh. 

“I really am incredibly proud of you, Alex,” Rafael says sincerely. “This… what you’ve just accomplished… is incredible.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” Alex responds in an instant, and when Rafael scoffs Alex narrows her eyes. “I mean it, you know. This whole thing was your idea, remember?”

“You’re talking about eight years ago? That one conversation?”

“One conversation is all it takes.”

“God, that’s cheesy,” Rafael says, rolling his eyes.

“Well I have to get my idealism out of the way before I enter the soul-sucking void of Washington, D.C.”

“I’ll tell Sonny to pray for you.”

“Thank you, I’ll need it.” Alex pauses, considering something. “Think I can beat your death threats record?” 

“What?” Rafael splutters.

“I mean, I still have the record for most intense death threats, and I have the shoulder scars to prove it, but you’ve beaten me at the numbers game. And while I’ve always preferred quality to quantity, I would like both records.”

“There is something deeply, deeply wrong with you.”

“I have been elected to Congress.”

“That proves my case.”

“Shut up. I thought you were happy for me,” Alex says, with a fake scowl.

“I am happy for you. But I won’t disclose how much of that is because I can now make Congress jokes at your expense.”

“I’ve already heard the ‘if con is the opposite of pro, then congress is the opposite of progress’ one at least five times.”

“Damn.”

“Do you want to hear my supply of Republicans jokes? I’ve been cultivating it for any events for freshman Democrats.”

“Sure.”

“Republicans are the party that says the government doesn’t work and then gets elected to prove it.” Rafael snorts. 

“That’s pretty good.”

“Okay, here’s one: how many Republicans does it take to fix a problem?”

“I don’t know.”

“None. It’s never happened.”

“I’m sure you’ll be very popular,” Rafael says with a laugh. Alex smiles, looking back at the red and white balloons hung up around Forlini's. 

“We shall see.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hell yes excessive The West Wing references! That show has a very dear place in my heart and I will inflict it on all my readers. 
> 
> Congresspeople frequently travel back to their home districts, so Alex won't just disappear. She still has to be around to talk to Rafael and also to give a speech at his wedding. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	64. A spot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael is concerned about his successor. Alex prepares for her new job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6000 hits guys, thanks so much!!!
> 
> Penultimate chapter time. This one isn't really fluff or angst, it's just humor and Peter Stone roasting. He deserves it. I'm not sorry.

“What’s with the face? Why aren’t you inside?” Alex asks, noting Rafael’s grim expression as he hovers in the doorway of Forlini’s.

“He stole my spot.”

“What? Who?”

“Peter Stone. He stole my spot.”

“We could just sit somewhere else. It’s not like we haven’t sat at tables before.” Rafael looks at her like she just proposed he wear his shoes on his head. 

“Are you not at all concerned about the precedent this will set?”

“I’m sorry Rafi, I’ve had a long day, you’re going to have to explain that to me.”

“He might get it into his head that it’s his spot. He might continue to sit there. Precedent.”

“Fine. You’re right. It sucks.”

“So what do we do?”

“I don’t know.”

“You’re supposed to be good at schemes.”

“If Carmen is still at the DA’s office we can probably ask her to coat all of his pencils in hot pepper juice. You know, in case he bites his pencils.”

“I meant something that could actually get him to leave my spot.”

“Have you considered asking him to move?”

“I can’t. That would be ridiculous and childish.”

“So why not just sit at a table?”

“I was waiting for you.”

“And?”

“You’re an elected official. Convince him that important government business relies on him leaving my seat.”

“You’re serious?”

“It’s not illegal,” Rafael says, lifting his chin. 

“No, it’s not, but it is unethical.”

“So? He  _ stole  _ my spot. Forlini’s is our tradition. Franco is invited to my wedding. I am not about to have Forlini’s ruined by a man who doesn’t even have the decency to wear a tie.” Alex looks at Rafael and then over at Peter Stone, completely unaware of the havoc he is causing. 

“Fine,” she sighs, and walks over to him. “Hi, I believe we’ve met. I’m Alex Cabot.” She says after tapping him on the shoulder. 

“Of course, it’s good to see you again, Congresswoman.”

“Congresswoman-elect, technically, anyway, I need to ask you for a favor.”

“What do you need?”

“This might sound ridiculous, but my friend Rafael and I have been visiting this bar for over 16 years, and we always have the same routine. And well, you’re kind of sitting in his seat. I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind moving.”

“Oh, uh, sure. No problem.” 

“Thank you.” Alex smiles as Peter moves to a nearby table and she beckons Rafael. Rafael sits down in his seat and flashes Alex a grateful smile.

“Now I see how you convinced people to vote for you.” 

“It’s called people skills, Rafi.”

“Well. Thank you.”

“Can I ask you why it bothered you so much?”

“I don’t know. It’s a lot of change. Me with my new job and you going to Washington in a couple weeks and now Teresa Carisi is in my life, having apparently lost all of her annoyance at Sonny for ‘provoking their parents’ with his existence now that she has use for him, and speaking of Sonny, Sonny is never around because of his niece’s case, and all of this with his niece is horrible, and it’s too much. So I was going to have drinks with my best friend at Forlini’s and that would be the one thing that is stable. And then he was there.”

“I get that.”

“But now he is gone. At least for now. And you are here. So balance is temporarily restored to the universe.”

“Good.”

“So I met Sonny’s niece a few days ago,” Rafael says a few minutes later, sipping his drink.

“How’d that go?”

“Okay. She doesn’t have her head up her ass like most of Sonny’s family.”

“Well that’s fortunate.”

“She’s bright. Conscientious.”

“I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming.”

“But what she has in intelligence she lacks in judgement.”

“Well I assume you’re not victim blaming, so did something happen?”  
“You can’t tell anyone.”

“I wasn’t planning on it.”

“I’m serious, Alex.”

“Rafa, when have I ever told anyone a secret of yours?”

“Fine. She may have not been entirely truthful.”

“Victims leave stuff out all the time.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“What do you mean?” Alex asks. Rafael sighs and takes a long drink.

“I can’t tell you. Really. It’s just weighing a lot on Sonny, so it’s weighing a lot on me.” Alex shrugs. 

“I’ll take your word for it. I hope it works out.”

“Thank you. I appreciate it.”

“What’s with the face?” Alex asks once her FaceTime camera fully loads. She’s in her new, uncomfortably empty DC office, her phone elevated on her desk so she can unpack while she talks to Rafael. Despite the change in setting, she gets a feeling of deja vu at Rafael’s bitter expression. 

“Grudging respect,” Rafael mutters, glaring and looking down slightly.

“Really?”

“Stone, who has no experience with sex crimes and the ingenuity of one of those inflatable car store creatures, managed to get an angry teenager to confess on the stand and apparently Sonny says I have to ‘appreciate that,’” he says, making air quotes. 

“You know, you left your job voluntarily.”

“I do know. It’s just, when you left, you got to have confidence in your successor. I have no such luck. He should wear a name tag that says ‘nepotism’ on it.”

“Surely he’s not that bad, I mean, he did win the case. And it was a tricky one.”

“Whose side are you on?”

“Yours,” Alex says immediately. “But that doesn’t mean I still don’t like to have support for my side.”

“I suppose that’s reasonable,” Rafael says with a melodramatic sigh. “It’s his attitude. It’s hard to define. He behaves as though the world should be honored by his presence.”

“You’re complaining about arrogance?”

“No, he’s not  _ arrogant _ per se, it’s just clear from how he behaves that he believes he’s God’s gift to existence. And he thinks that people should just inherently like him, before he even does anything. I feel like you and me, we had to  _ earn  _ the respect of SVU, and he’s just...entitled. Besides, I earned the right to my surface-level arrogance through almost getting strangled to death. So. There’s that.” 

“You want him to be almost strangled to death?”

“Possibly.”

“Well, I am sorry Sonny is forcing you to be nice to the man who locked up his niece’s rapist.”

“Don’t act like you’re not just as petty as I am.”

“I’m not. One of the Republicans on the Judiciary Committee with me sent me over some legislation he plans to introduce once session starts and said that if I didn’t understand it I could just have one of my aides read it and give me bullet points. And now I feel compelled by the laws of nature to replace all of his pens with dried out ones.”

“Don’t get censured before you even start, Alex.”

“Don’t get into a pointless feud with your replacement, Rafael.”

“But I want to.”

“But you shouldn’t.”

“Fine. I won’t impress my legal superiority upon Peter Stone if you don’t bully the Republicans.”

“I believe we’ve reached an accord.”

“Good.”

“Oh, before you go, I need your opinion on something,” Alex says, walking over to one of the boxes on her desk next to her phone and taking out two framed photos. “Which goes on my desk and which goes to my tiny apartment?” Rafael inspects the photos, one is of Rafael, Sonny, Alex, and Olivia on Noah’s birthday, the child wearing a ridiculous birthday hat and smiling in Alex’s arms. Olivia is resting her head on Alex’s free shoulder and Sonny has an arm slung around Rafael. The other is a Christmas photo, Rafael grimacing as Sonny attempts to put a Santa hat on his head, Alex laughing, Noah playing with his new polar bear stuffed animal, and Olivia in the foreground, smiling as she awkwardly attempts to take a selfie. 

“The birthday one.”

“Why?” Alex asks.

“I’m actually smiling.”

“Oh come on, the Christmas one is cute. And you started laughing like two seconds after that.”

“The birthday one is more secular. Your district is at least 30% Jewish and 10% Muslim.” Alex pauses, considering, before nodding and putting the Christmas one back into the box.

“Good point.”

“I possess a great amount of knowledge. More than Peter Stone, certainly.”

“I thought we settled that.”

“We agreed I wouldn’t snip at him around people. Talking to you about him is in bounds.”

“I can live with that.”

“I’m going to text you during session.”

“I’m going to turn my phone off.”

“I’m going to call your office number on your website.”

“Some poor intern is going to be the one actually listening to that.”

“Well then, they will know the evils of Peter Stone.”

“I suppose they will.” Alex hears her office phone ringing in the distance and sighs. “I’m afraid my reprieve is over. The work of the people is never done.”

“And I imagine the work of a Congresswoman isn’t either,” Rafael says, chuckling as Alex glares at him. “Good night, Alex.”

“Good night, Rafa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rafael is having minor adjustment issues. He'll be okay. And besides, being almost strangled to death builds character. 
> 
> This thing is officially written! After a long period of writer's block I finally was able to get the ending finished. The final update will be published the day after tomorrow.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	65. A wedding (and a finale)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael gets married. Alex gives a speech.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaa the final chapter. I'm low-key emotional right now. I don't know what to say except thank you so much for all the encouragement I've received. Know that I appreciated every single hit, kudos, and comment I received. This was an excellent experience and it's definitely made me more likely to write more fanfic for this fandom. 
> 
> The story ends in nearly the opposite way it began. Instead of Rafael in an abusive relationship, he's going to marry his partner who truly loves him. Instead of Alex only being able to talk to people through her work, she's going to have her actual family and talk to people at a social gathering. Everything's come full circle, and I really love this chapter.

It’s speech time. Alex has got this. She knows she’s got this, because she is quite good at public speaking, thank you very much. Also because she already cried during the ceremony and again in the bathroom right before Rafael and Sonny showed up for the reception, so she officially is not going to cry in the middle of her speech. She’s all cried out. It’s physics. She mentally recites her speech one last time, making sure to include more pauses. That is what Angela always reminds her whenever she gives a speech. More pauses. She feels Olivia squeeze her hand beside her and smiles. When it’s her time to speak, she stands and confidently walks over to her microphone.

_ “Alex, I need you to remind me that everything is going to work out okay,” Rafael says, pacing around the room in his tuxedo. Alex checks her watch. Twenty minutes before the ceremony.  _

_ “Everything’s going to work out okay.” _

_ “Sonny’s going to show up, right?” _

_ “Of course.” _

_ “I’m not going to trip over something?” _

_ “That would be hilarious.” _

_ “ _ Alexandra.”

“ _ You’re not going to trip over anything.” _

_ “There will be no interruptions? No one is going to object?” _

_ “I dare anyone to try.” _

_ “I mean it. You checked to make sure none of Sonny’s relatives are here except for his sisters?” _

_ “Oh trust me. I know the name, seating location, and food preference of every single person at this wedding.” _

_ “Okay, good.” _

_ “You doing alright, Rafi?” Alex asks, stopping his pacing by putting a hand on his shoulder. “I can send Sonny in if you want.” _

_ “No, don’t,” Rafael says, taking a deep breath. “I’m fine. It’s just… this is really happening.” Alex smiles when she notices the warm expression on Rafael’s face. “I just don’t want to mess it up.” _

_ “You won’t,” Alex promises.  _

_ “Okay, let’s do this!” Rafael says, nodding sharply. “I’m ready.” _

_ “We still have about fifteen minutes.” _

_ “Oh.” _

“Hello, everyone. I’d like to start by extending my warmest congratulations to my dearest friend, Rafael, and his husband, Sonny.” Alex pauses for clapping following the word ‘husband.’ She sees Sonny wrap an arm around Rafael’s shoulder and blinks back tears. Dammit. “To start, I’d like to tell you all the story of the first joke I ever made at the expense of Sonny Carisi.

“It was during a tough case, and Rafael was distracting me by telling me about the newest SVU detective. Among the things he told me was that Sonny had said he was sensitive and moody. And I said to Rafael, and this true, ‘So he’s your soulmate, then?’” Alex pauses once again as she hears laughter and a good-natured ‘hey!’ from Sonny. “I did not expect to be right, but I will take a ‘told you so’ moment whenever I can get one.”

_ Alex doesn’t bother to hide her emotion when it comes time for the vows. She doesn’t cry often, isn’t a very emotional person in general, she can’t be in her line of work. But none of that matters as she watches her best friend marry the love of his life.  _

_ They’re wearing matching black tuxedos, except Rafael is wearing a green tie and a blue pocket square and Sonny is wearing a blue tie with a green pocket square. It’s so sweet Alex thinks she’s about to die. Judge Barth, who agreed to officiate, is clearly of a similar mind, because her smile is wide as she informs Sonny and Rafael it is time for their vows.  _

_ “I, uh, I’ll start,” Sonny says, looking at his shoes for a moment and then back at Rafael. “You’re just, so great, Rafi. You’re great, and you make me feel great. And I just… I don’t know where I’d be without you. You’re the first person to make me feel like I ever really had a home, you know? And god, Raf, I just love you so much. So, yeah. I want to be tied to you. Legally. For our whole lives. Oh god, I fucked that up…” Alex smiles as she sees Rafael put his hand on top of Sonny’s. _

_ “No you didn’t,” he whispers and then takes a deep breath. “Expressing emotion in public is new to me, so bear with me. I’m not sure what to say other than there’s a reason I spent most of our relationship just staring at you half the time you said anything. You surprise me constantly in the best ways. You surprised me with your patience. You surprised me with your constant kindness. You surprised me with the emotions I felt towards you, even though I was convinced it was too late for me. You surprised me by returning those emotions. And even if you never surprise me again, I know more than enough that I can say with certainty that this, marrying you, is the best decision I will ever make. I love you, Sonny.” Alex wipes her eyes and turns her head when she feels Olivia squeeze her hand.  _

_ “You okay?” Olivia mouths silently and Alex nods. She re-focuses her attention on Judge Barth, who makes eye contact with both Sonny and Rafael before happily declaring, _

_ “You may now kiss the groom!” _

“But anyway, the fact that I will acknowledge that I was right is more of a testament to Sonny’s character. Because in my mind, the term soulmate invokes someone nearly equal in quality, at least. And Rafael, you are one of the strongest, kindest, overall best people I know. For someone to match that should be impossible, because if everyone was like you, we would all be out of jobs.” Alex makes eye contact with Rafael and smiles at him. “Honestly, Rafa, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. And you can protest this all you want, but you really do make everyone around you feel better just by being around them. With the possible exception of defense attorneys.” It’s a corny joke, but that was on purpose. The humor breaks up the heavy sentimentality. It allows the rest of the people at the wedding to take a break and grants her a moment where she knows only Rafael and Sonny will absorb the statement’s full weight. “You deserve happiness. You deserve everything you’ve ever wanted. And I feel like, today especially, it is all very much within your reach.”

_ “Okay I think we’re good,” Angela says, shutting her laptop with a dramatic  _ thump _. “I think I’ll head out of work before 7:00 for the first time in five years.” _

_ “Um, actually, if you don’t mind, I’d like your advice on something. Not professionally, and you don’t have to-” _

_“Sure. What do you need?”_ _  
__“My best friend, you know Rafael, is getting married in about a month. And I’m having difficulty with my Best Woman speech.”_

_ “He’s getting married? Good for him.” _

_ “Yeah. And I’m so happy for him, but we’ve been friends for so long, I’m having difficulty thinking of  _ new  _ things to say. You get to a point in a friendship where you’ve more or less said everything supportive you could possibly say.” _

_ “Well, keep in mind your speech is for two audiences. It’s for Rafael and soon-to-be husband, yes, but it’s also for the wedding party as a whole. That’s why there are usually so many jokes. So put some jokes, make some generic statements, because part of it is communicating to so-and-so’s cousin why you’re on the stage. And, also, it never hurts to hear those affirmations again. I’m sure he won’t mind a repeated compliment if he knows it’s sincere.” Alex nods, her brow furrowed in contemplation. _

_ “Thanks, Angela. You’ve been very helpful. Now go home, I’m sure that if I kept you here any later your husband would kill me.” _

_ “I’ll see you tomorrow, Alex.” _

“Sonny, my first impression of you was that you seemed nice. And that might seem generic, but in our line of work, it isn’t. It’s exceedingly rare to find someone who encounters the worst humanity has to offer on a daily basis and still finds time to bring in pastries for friends, or to replace the coffee filter even when he barely uses the machine. It’s rare to find someone so openly kind to others. It’s brave. 

“Before Rafael even first hinted at his interest in you to me, I knew that you would be a good part of our family, even in a strictly platonic sense. Because you are everything one could want in a family member. And once it became clear how much you cared for Rafa, I was moved. I know at times you’ve believed that I’ve doubted your integrity, or your character, but that has never once been true. I know how you love him, and how he loves you, and I appreciate you for it. It should be a sign of my confidence in you that I haven’t once had to give an exceedingly long and gruesome threat about the ramifications of hurting Rafael. Both because I didn’t feel it was necessary and also because you’re smart enough to understand the threat implicitly.

“So, Congratulations, Sonny and Rafael, from the bottom of my heart. May your lives be filled with laughter, happiness, and excessive legal jargon.” With that, she heads back to her seat. She looks over at Rafael, who is wiping a tear from his eyes. When he sees her, he gives her a small smile, and places a hand over his heart. 

_ “My wedding’s in three days,” Rafael muses, staring at the receipt from the steak house Alex had selected for his Bachelor Party.” _

_ “Well, two days, eight hours,” Alex clarifies. _

_ “I thought I’d be more scared than I am. I expected doubts.” _

_ “Really?” _

_ “I didn’t think I’d have  _ founded  _ doubts. I just expected more irrational, trauma-based fear.” _

_ “And you haven’t had that?” _

_ “No,” Rafael says with a smile. “I just feel good.” _

_ “You deserve that.” _

_ “I know. And I believe it, oddly enough.” _

_ “It’s not odd, Rafi. It’s good.” _

_ “Yeah.” _

_ “I’d just like to reiterate that everything is absolutely in place. Your cake will be ready on time, all the flowers are ordered, food is arranged. Everything.” _

_ “I knew I could count on you.” _

_ “Always, Rafi.” _

_ “Sonny came up with a very sweet idea for matching suits.” _

_ “Wait, you let  _ Sonny  _ pick the clothes?” _

_ “No!” Rafael says immediately, putting a hand to his chest and looking affronted. “Of course not. I picked out the suits. He consulted on the accessories.” _

_ “Oh. Good. Tell me more.” _

_ “It will be a surprise.” _

_ “You know how I feel about surprises, Rafael: I could do without them unless I’ve arranged for them.” _

_ “Oh, they totally clash with the flowers, you’ll love them.” _

_ “I hate you.” _

_ “No you don’t.” _

_ “No I don’t.” _

_ “I hate to bother you, but have you managed anything revolving around security? It might seem frivolous but some of Sonny’s aunts and cousins have been threatening to crash.” _

_ “I dare them to crash.” _

_ “Alex-” _

_ “I’m serious. If anyone tries to ruin your wedding my rage will supersede the laws of physics. I will infuse into them a curse that causes them a series of painful shocks until they finally fade from existence.” _

_ “That’s not possible.” _

_ “Watch me make it possible.” _

_ “Alex-” _

_ “I have some friends over at the FBI’s Organized Crime division who owe me favors and have vacation days stored up. No one’s getting in that isn’t invited.” _

_ “Thank you.” _

_ “I’ve got your back, Rafael. It’s going to be perfect.” _

“Everything was perfect, Alex. I feel like I owe you a million favors,” Rafael says, offering Alex a slice of cake and watching as Sonny laughs with Bella. 

“You owe me nothing, Rafa. It was my pleasure.” Rafael is silent for a few moments, not saying anything until Alex is starting to worry that something is wrong.

“I’m married,” Rafael says finally with a smile. 

“Welcome to the club.”

“It seems too good to be true.”

“I felt that way too, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. It never did. I was just happy.”

“That’s possible?”

“It really is.”

“I never used to believe you. When you said stuff like that. I always knew you believed it but I just thought that you had missed something about me, and that you were wrong.”

“I wasn’t wrong.”

“Hence the past tense.”

“Maybe  _ you _ were missing something about you.”

“Probably.” Rafael pauses. “You know, you really did plan a perfect event. Even my mother was thrilled by everything.”

“High praise.”

“You have no idea.” Rafael once again lapses into silence, and Alex is starting to wonder what’s on his mind. “Alex, your speech-”

“I’m sorry if it was overly generic. Angela had this whole thing about having two audiences and-”

“It was incredible. Sonny cried.”

“Well, good. That was the point of the whole wedding. To make Sonny cry.”

“Among other things.”

“Yes, Mr. Barba-Carisi. Two purposes: make Sonny cry, and eat good cake.”

“You picked out an amazing cake. Not that I doubted you. Cake selection has always been one of your more impressive talents.”

“I’m sure that will be helpful when I need to convince people to vote for my legislation.”

“Undoubtedly.” Rafael and Alex make eye contact with Sonny, who is gesturing them over, Bella waving happily by his side. “It looks like we’re needed elsewhere. We should probably head over there. You need to meet Bella before you inevitably get called in for the latest national security crisis.”

“Very well.” Alex follows Rafael, exchanging a warm smile with Olivia and Noah on her way. Even if she was called in, it wouldn’t matter, Alex realizes as she enthusiastically shakes hands with Bella.

Work isn’t her whole life anymore. Alex has an excellent social life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there you have it folks. 
> 
> I was kind of getting happy-sad alongside Alex when I was writing this. I hope it wasn't too corny, I just love all the characters so much. This chapter took forever to write because I wanted to end it well but also was having a difficult time just finishing it. Overall, I'm happy with it. 
> 
> Much love, and a final, emphatic thanks for reading!!!


End file.
